Friday, July 1, 2011

Just more

I rarely re-read what I write here.  Diary does not care about any of this, and neither do I.  Once in a while I check for comments, but the actual writing is done and gone as soon as I am finished, and I have no idea why I was inclined to read tonight's crap.

But, I did.  I made me feel sad, which is what I was feeling when I wrote it.  I would have been more sad, except that I stumbled across a blog that I created just for complaining.  I want very much to stop doing all of that whining and moaning and groaning and I thought, earlier this year, that if I had a place dedicated to my less supportive and productive aspects and inclinations that I would be a happier person, or that I would, at least, stop being such a freaking cry baby about everything.

So, I did that earlier this evening.  I went to that blog and I vented.  I wrote out many of the specifics of what happened yesterday and today and the terrible things that preceded them.  It felt wonderful to divest myself of that energy and spew out all the crap.  No filters.  No checking how or what I wrote or even if it made any sense.  And, I have no intention to going there to read any of it.  But, I read this nonsense just now and I guess that I really am reasonably sad.  I am trying to not express it, but it is what it is and right now I am feeling alone and not so wonderful.

And, that is fine, it is only that I want to stop doing the spewing here, on this blog, which is my diary.  And, you know, part of the process is getting rid of that stuff and the result is that I do feel better having done so.  So, I do feel not so horrible right now.

I think that my problem is that I am missing all of the stuff that is supposed to be part of a marriage, even a half-assed one.  I do not have a partner, I have a rule maker and enforcer, a judge, jury and jailer.  Were I so inclined, and if I had an actual backbone, I would already be out of here.  I stayed all of this time in the faint, although sincere and fierce hope that by sticking around, that I would be here to facilitate a relationship between someone who is not me and the one person in my life whom I love above all others, and that includes her own children and her wonderful husband.

I am coming to the realization that that is never going to happen.  I hate it, but I am hating myself for being so stuck here now.  I suppose that is why I am taking all of these inexpensive, like really cheap, trips.  Just to get out of Dodge.    I should move on, but I am not.  I am stuck here, chronicling this, probably last, part of this journey.  And, as I write to my Diary here I am releasing much of the energy that binds me here. 

I know that I will eventually leave, most likely with the clothes on my back, but hopefully with a few more resources than that.  And, I will leave with much less sadness.  Well, except for today, which seems especially sad since I figured out a few things today, things that I did not mention earlier.

I learned some stuff.  I learned that even though SWINM made a mess of things, that person still will not share essential information with me, is never going to do so.  Through the years I never noticed that he did that, but it is not a recent development.  I just, well, I just ignored it.  Maybe I was always hoping for the best, that things would improve or some damn thing.  But, it is never going to happen.  Not ever.  I think that is the source of my greatest sadness and unhappiness.  The realization that I never was important enough to be included in anything. 

I feel stupid for not recognizing that, or maybe seeing some part of that behavior and finding a way to live with it.  That is kind of sad, too, the thinking that living with so little from someone is acceptable in some way, that it is, was, fine and that it was all I was entitled to receive.  Perhaps the worst part is that I have invested the majority of my life, time, energy, heart and belief in someone who does not care about me at all, and that he mostly likely stayed all of these decades because I did what he wanted and never asked for, or expected, anything in return.  I mean, how stupid is it possible for one person to be?  I guess it is not so bad to be sad about that.

I am fortunate to have so many other people and work and experiences to help balance that.  I really am.  So, I guess that it is all right to be sad about this one thing.  What a mess.

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