100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 48

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  2 hot dogs, relish, jalapenos, yellow mustard
Dinner:  Baked cod, baked potato (sour cream, butter, tons of pepper), cole slaw

Planning ahead for dinner, there would be no serious food during the day.  So, I had funny food, a pair of hot dogs from the gas station, one of my favorite guilty pleasures of all time.  In decades of having them, I have only gotten sick one time and that was earlier this year.  I have to admit that it put me on alert, but it never made me think of never having them again.  It is only every few months that I do so. 

My son-in-law's sister loves them, as well, and it was one of the ways that we bonded, because she did not really like me all that much.  She did not have much of a chance, though, because I am relentless and will wear you down until you simply cannot resist me.  It would be nice if some people just liked me for who I am, but if I have to persist, then that is what I am willing to do.  In my sixty-four years, there are only a handful of people who have not succumbed to my will, one of which you can guess, Dear Diary.  Yep.  No amount of anything has helped there.

So, anyway, dinner was to celebrate the birthday of a friend who I met on pilgrimage to England and Wales a long time ago.  She moved to the D.C. area to be closer to family a few years ago and when she comes back it is always worthy of celebration, but this time it coincided with her birthday so that is what we did.

The restaurant is kind of a bar/tavern that grew.  Years ago it was a nice place to go for lunch and have a nice burger or reuben sandwich and excellent fries.  Well, tonight, it looked the same from the front, but once inside, it was like stepping into an alternate universe.  I mean, the place was huge.  And, it was packed.  And, it was expensive.  Holey-moley.  It ended well, but tomorrow's trip to the fruit festival will find me with less cash.  Probably just as well, since the food there is supposed to be amazing.  Like, truly.

All in all, not a bad day, food wise.

However, I did learn a few things.

I learned that I could have an outstanding week, bi-polar issues aside, and I think that it was because I stood up for myself.  Twice.  Once last week when the most recent attack took place, and again this morning when an attempt to do it again happened.  I will never win even a moment's peace here, but, crap, I stood up for myself and the world did not end.  I know that retaliation is coming.  Not only because it always does, but because I overheard part of a telephone conversation.  At least I know part of what is coming.  Forewarned is forearmed, and all that jazz.  Anyway, I have to practice this standing up and make it a part of more of what happens around here.  After this thing this morning, I just sat there, here actually at my desk, and threw myself on the mercy of the Universe.  Oh, please, allow something or some way to manifest so that I can move on.

Which brings me to the second thing I learned today, and it is that it is fine to hold on to my dreams.  Wishes, hopes, dreams, they are all worth having, even when they are impossible, even when you probably do not deserve to have them come to pass.  Yeah, even then.  Sometimes they are all that keep me going, that yearning for a better life where there would not be all of this mess and stress.  The truth is that I could pack my crap and leave any time I wanted.  O.K. that is true, but it is not the whole truth.  Diary, you know what binds me here and when that is resolved, well, we will see what happens.

I learned that if your friend, the nun, tells you a story about one of the people she serves in her community and makes a stupid comment about how not bright one of the men is because he is a member of a minority, that I can ask her what that means and just let her talk until she realizes that her assessment of him is more related to inadequate educational opportunities than lack of intelligence.  However, there was nothing I could do to dissuade her from the whole race thing.  I mean, if you cannot count on a nun to be fair and balanced, then who can you count on? 

I learned that even when a friend is generally despicable, I can still find a way to be a friend.  It was not easy, but I did it. I think that feeling so good helped, but this has been a concern for me for a long time and it was nice to take the high road and try to get over some of the other stuff.

I learned that even when I feel like stabbing myself with a fork, that I can get through a dinner with her and still be friendly and conversational, even when the other her bails and moves to the end of the table to avoid her, the first one.  Hours later, still making me smile.  However, she...the first her...is not going to be a part of any of my future travel plans.  I go away to get away, not to take any of the stuff with me.

The birthday girl invited me to visit her and when two other of our friends overheard (not the her), they invited themselves along and the birthday girl was delighted.  I said that I would meet them all out there, D.C., since they prefer to fly and they decided that they would love to take the train, as well.  Sigh.  I am not all that worried, since I have months to make other arrangements to go alone and not hurt the feelings of anyone, all women that I love.  It will work out.  Yep.  Oh, and the learning here is that I now realize that I am not willing to spend my away time with anyone.  I mean, how selfish is that.  Really selfish.  I have some serious work to do here.

Alrighty, another heart.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 43

Breakfast:  Eggs, bacon, hash browns (icky, ate them anyway), raisin bread toast, coffee (lots)
Lunch:  Culver's bacon burger, sweet potato fries, diet cola, root beer float
Dinner:  Nothing - amended to add blueberry yogurt

Back home.  Had a good breakfast, except for the toast and hash browns.  My intentions were good, but not good enough.  Lunch was on the trip home and, frankly, there really is not any reasonable menu choice for seriously healthy eating.  There was one salad choice that I could see, and it was some berry thing.  They may have others, but I could not find any on the menu board whilst I was waiting in line, and since the lines were full of our coach members as well as the hapless locals that decided to eat when we were there, I was reluctant to engage in conversation with the counter staff about making modification to what I did see.  In my defense, I did not choose the grilled reuben sandwich, something I wanted very much since we were rushed at lunch on the trip up yesterday and I was able to eat only some of the inside of the reuben I ordered then.  I think I forgot to mention that.  Sad, really, because it was made with homemade marble rye bread.  I will bet it was delicious.

I did fall victim to the fries, but they were of a kinder, gentler potato.  I have absolutely no defense for the float, except that it was the smallest size.  Truth be told, I did not much enjoy the burger.  It had too much processed cheese and mayonnaise on it.  I scraped as much off as I could and then did not eat the last quarter of the thing anyway.  The float disappointed, as well.  Huh.

The tour director passed out more candy, chips and peanuts on the way home and I asked her if her final offering was going to be insulin.  She thought it only mildly amusing and I am guessing that was only because a fellow traveler laughed and she was trying to be a good sport to my smart-ass-ed-ness. 

I ate the little bag of chips, but not the rest.  Still, no dinner for me.  Rats, I still have to take my meds and they need to be taken with food, so it will have to be the little yogurt with blueberries. You know, if I do not start taking this healthy thing seriously, I am going to end up worse off than when I began over a month ago.  Hell, I am nearly halfway through the process and the only weight I have lost is where I did not want to lose any.    Sure, I do have one less chin and less flab in a couple of places.  Big deal.  Small victories, nearly insignificant in the larger war.  I seem to lack the will to do this getting healthier thing.  I sense sabotage from within.  A decidedly bigger deal.

As for feeling, well, I felt well during the weekend.  No stress, no thinking about stuff.  The new pain med worked great and my hips and knees did not bother me a bit until it was close to time for the next dose.  I could take another one now, but I am going to try to fall asleep without it, thinking that being back in my own, comfy bed will be enough to help me fall right to sleep.

I am feeling kind of cranky because it is steaming in here.  I will manage.  Two days away from everything should be two more notches on my Belt Of Courage.  I need to be more brave and every little bit helps.  I worried that these little trips were an attempt to escape from the here, but I think, I believe that they are steps towards being more self-sufficient and less dominated and afraid. 

On the way home, it was raining and I spent a lot of time looking out of the window at all the lovely countryside.  And, I kept thinking, oh, I could live there...and there...and that place...even there in the little town that flashed by.  I want so much to be somewhere, anywhere else.  Cannot do it.  The whole running away from things thing.  I have to find a way to live here, with everything, or I will never be able to settle somewhere else with comfort and confidence and the surety that comes from making the right decision at the right time and for the right reason.  I have the right reason, in spades, but the right time can come only when I have worked through all of this crap.  Just have to pull up my big girl panties and do it.  I need some serious therapy and have for a long time.  Wonder how to fit that in the budget, under the travel, of course, which is a sort of therapy of it's own.

I knit a wash cloth and the body and one sleeve of a really tiny sweater.  I think that it will end up being only two inches square, or not much more than that.  I am using four, 000 needles.  Very small and I have to really pay attention because whilst it is fairly easy to un-knit with larger needles and yarn, I am also using a very fine yard that is intended for making stretch socks.  My eyes finally gave out on that grey-skied, rainy ride home.

GP, which is kind of like the icing on the guilty pleasure of these little trips.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 35

Breakfast:  Eggs, maybe a quarter cup of hash browns, a pancake with margarine and syrup, tons of coffee
Lunch:  Restaurant meal, turkey breast, mashed potatoes, gravy, a tiny bit of cranberry sauce, some really excellent steamed, fresh broccoli, half a small roll, 2 glasses of diet cola, half a piece of french silk pie
Dinner:  Shame and a carton of Häagen-Dazs

I had breakfast with the friends this morning, followed by an extra (and long) session with a client who cannot come during the week, as she does not want her current employer to know that she is pumping up her résumé for a possible new job.  She is not sure she want to make the switch at this time, but has to make a decision by a deadline this week.  She is under the impression that I did great things for her, but the truth is that the most important work that I do with clients is to help them open that part or parts of themselves where the work can be done.  I am just the facilitator, just another tool.

Well, so far so good, yes?  Yes.  Then I picked up the woman that I take to lunch and her appointments and errands.  It was so frustrating that I told her that today's lunch was our last.  Today was the final scene that did me in.  So, no more of her making a huge fuss about money and how much I tip and all the rest.  The fussing she does with sales clerks is also to much of a strain.  I know that it is selfish of me, I do, I am selfish, but being embarrassed by her tirades against me and others when we are out and about is just too, well, embarrassing.  Humiliating to be on the receiving end of that all the time.  It is over.  From now on she gets three hours, door to door, no more meals, only errands and doctor appointments.  I doubt that she is taking this seriously.  And, you know, it is not my problem that she cannot get along well enough with her family to be able to live close to them.  I am willing to be her friend, but not her servant.

So, anyway, by the time the nearly seven hours today was over, I was exhausted and firmly ashamed of myself for not being able to be more patient.  I kept thinking today that I would want someone to be more patient and supportive of me when I am unable to get myself around comfortably, at least more so than I am able to be for her lately.  Seriously, Universe, please help me to be a better person.

Then, I had to stop at the market because there is not much food around here and I was totally dreading it, knowing how likely it was that I would buy all kinds of inappropriate stuff.  I mostly did fine, with lots of supportive self-talk and reminding myself that I will be traveling a bit over the next three weeks and that everything is going to be fine and 'no' I do not need that cake or those chewy rolls or that frozen pizza or even the chocolate covered strawberries in the produce department.  Really, baby, those strawberries need to stay right there, really they do.  It's O.K., put them back, you will be fine.  Really.  You will.

So, I went and got some meat and green peppers, cottage cheese, a few boxes of those low-calorie frozen meal things, eyeliner, cat food, more cat food and on the way to the checkout, I grabbed two cartons of ice cream.  Granted, they are the little 14 ounce-ers, but they are each a freaking 14 ounces!  Lordy.

I put them back.  Then turned back and took three, turned again, put two back, turned once more and took one of them and finally checked-out.  The interesting part, you know, aside from the total lack of self-control part, is that the four people in front of me were buying only alcohol.  Three customers buying cases of beer and the guy right in front of me with a bottle of whiskey.  I had the audacity to think to myself, hey, do you need any booze?  I stayed in line, but just barely.

Dinner was a half-hour ago and it was one of the cartons of ice cream.  I am wallowing in shame, spiralling in waves of shame and then I realize that it is only just a carton of ice cream.  It is dairy and it had lots of fruit in it, and for the moment I am in denial about the sugar, although the eggs could redeem this a bit.  It really could have been worse.  I could have chowed down on so many other things and whilst there is still another ice cream in the freezer, I think that my melty fail just now is not the end of the world, much less the end of me.

I will have my meat, salad and vegetables tomorrow for dinner.  I will choose healthy options when my daughter and I are out for lunch tomorrow.  I will have fun at church and with the babies and this is just a minor setback.

And, I will stay out of the market because I saw that those chips in the can, the salt and vinegar ones, are on sale and, well, I will just stay out of the market.

GP.  Simple, although I think a few more hearts might be in order.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 26

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch:  Japanese place, usual
Dinner:  Sushi

Lunch today was the usual healthy stuff there, not as much fruit, but some noodles and rice.  Our waiter mentioned that I never order any rice or noodles and asked why.  I told him that there was too much carbs, they were not so great for me and that when I start eating them that I begin to crave them and that simply avoiding them was better all round. 

When he brought our food, he had a small plate with some cellophane noodles that had been sautéd with green onions, surimi and a bit of egg, and rice, again sautéd, but with fresh edamame, onions and green beans.  Like some robotic people-pleaser, I tried them and eventually ate most of it.  You know, I am accustomed to ordering just enough food to satisfy without stuffing myself, like I almost always did before starting this thing.  I never clean my plate anymore, well, most of the time.  And, it is working.  I am satisfied by making careful food choices whenever possible, eating enough to keep me going, stopping eating before I feel full and drinking lots of water during the day.  I cannot remember when I last felt the urge to eat anything between meals.  I bought some of my favorite chocolate more than a month ago and have not felt more than the merest desire to eat any, and resisting even that. 

So, all in all, I am doing well.  I feel the urge to weigh myself on occasion, but since I did not do that at the beginning, it would not be all that helpful, since I am not keeping track.  I am paying attention to portions, although not considering what calories they might contain.  That part is probably foolish, but it has not been a problem...yet.  If I am forced to keep track of calories, I will do it, but I will not be very happy about it; my reasoning being that I have no intention of counting calories for the rest of my life.  I am trying to think long term.

I wonder how responsible I am being with all of this.  I think about how I might be pandering to some screwed-up notions about what becoming healthier means to me, particularly in relation to all of the recent health issues. 

Anyway, it got me to thinking about responsibility.  I had a client yesterday with some particularly difficult personal and legal issues that are having a serious consequence where new employment is concerned.  It is certainly none of my business, and I am not judging him, but he is staunchly avoiding taking responsibility for some of the things that brought him to this point.  If that is where he is, then that is where he is.  The difficulty is that I can do and help only so much unless the other person does their part of the work.  So, we are kind of stuck, and I offered to have an extra session with him this morning.  Thursday is not one of my regular days there, so I had to rearrange my schedule to accommodate his.

He never showed up.  Yesterday, as he was leaving, he joked that I had better be there when he showed up.  It was kind of funny, because he was comfortable joking with me after only one session.  So, anyway, I waited for him.  He was not late, he just never came, nor did he call.  I waited thirty minutes, packed up my stuff, and left.  Now, I have a policy about not calling people to remind them of their appointments or calling to find out why someone is late.  I know that medical offices do this all the time, but they have to maintain tight schedules and make as certain as possible that their patients actually show up and not waste the time that could be given to another patient.

I do not have that scheduling and attendant financial aspect.  Besides, I think that if you cannot show up, maybe developing some good habits along the way, how are you going to be responsible to show up for work every day.  It is difficult enough to find a job and it is in one's best interest to be responsible and to inform prospective employers that you have some commitment and dedication to being reliable.  He will call and make another appointment and will likely show up, but I will not be offering any additional, off-schedule time to him.  No more coming in on my day off.  And, it is too bad, because I know that I could be of significant assistance to him.  However, I cannot make anyone want or use what I have to offer.

Oh, in honor of my second anniversary doing this work, I am ordering some business cards.  I am trying very hard to not tart them up, though.  I will be working on knitting more wash cloths tomorrow at the gallery.  Maybe when my friend comes in to fuck me over again I can point my needles at him and say, "Hey, friend, you got no power over me, so just go work your mean mojo somewhere else.  My heart is enough to hold you and give back, but taking crap is no longer what I do."  Fine.  I will not say that or anything close to it.  Still have to find a way to help that world go away.  Get it off of my shoulder.

I came home, worked a bit, read a bit and took a nap.  Very nice.  Then, just an hour ago I had the California Roll that I brought home from the restaurant.  Very nice. 

All in all, a great day.  Still coughing like a bitch, although my ear feels better.  It might be time to find a new allergy doctor.  I have not needed one for decades, but this icky illness stuff has to be allergies.  Sort of like being responsible to myself, especially in this journey to better health. 

Guilty Pleasure for today.  Heart enough to hold and give:

 I am a foolish person.  I am not saying that is bad or anything, although it probably is, bad that is.  It is just who I am most of the time lately.   My preference would be lighthearted, joyful, pleasant, sweet and fun-loving.  I can get there, be those things, but often I just miss my marks and am foolish by default.  I guess that it is better than cranky or bitchy.  It is just that people may enjoy the antics of a fool, but they just do not take them seriously.  You know?

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 23

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  Corn, butter
Dinner:  Smoked pork chop, iceberg and celery salad, dressing, green beans, butter

Man, all the damn butter.  Too bad, I love it, try to use it responsibly and refuse to give it up.  So, there!

I learned something today.  Well, I actually learned several things today, but the first one is that if your lunch is four ears of corn over a period of slightly more than three hours, that is still too much corn.  At least I do not have to take any fiber tablets today, or even tomorrow, I am guessing.  I wish there were smileys or emoticons here, because I am still cracking up over how this all happened.

You know, I intended to have an ear for lunch, but it led to a second one 40 minutes later and then sort of went downhill after that.  I tried to resist, but all that I did was to stretch it out until the accumulated carbs made me drowsy.  I slept for nearly three hours and finally had dinner late.  It was like a carbohydrate avalanche, for heaven's sake.

Now, dinner is the way that I want to eat all the time.  A small portion of flesh and a lot of vegetables, filling, tasty and the good kind of carbohydrates that will keep me going and metabolizing well and not being so drowsy after.  I think that corn is measuring up to be my sweet craving.  I must resist buying it whenever it is cheap enough.  Gods help me when the harvest comes in this summer and the corn is local and ambrosiatic.

Back to feeling like crap, but I am determined to overcome this mess, especially the ear pain.  Allergies must surely be a part of it, so decongestants are always on my market list.

In addition to avoiding the lovely, golden corn, I think that I have to add romantic films to that list.  Today's torture was Tangled.  I love children's movies, but when did they become so...so...adult-y romantic?  For some reason, my longings to have someone in my life who gives a whit about me have been ignited somehow.  I am lonely in a more personal, intimate way that I have been for decades and decades.  I remember the early years of our marriage and how it was fine.  I felt loved and cherished.  That it was all in my head is irrelevant, and that he only cared about what I could do for him means nothing because it was my belief that there was true love, caring and affection coming in my direction.  Sometimes that kind of self-deception is just fine and it works for as long as it work, often a very, very long time.

Eventually I smartened up.  I did not like being wiser about any of this, but another eventuality is that I became accustomed to it, refused to think about anything other than just making it through whatever happened, and transferred my energies to our daughter, other people and lots and lots of work.  That has been functioning well.  Well, until recently. 

It is probably a year now that the status quo ante here is not working quite so well.  And, that film tonight, well, an adult woman, ancient really, should not be gently weeping, or feeling sympathetically parallel to the loss and yearning of an animated character.  She simply should not.  But, I am, and it totally sucks.  I am going to die without anyone loving me, not even in the way love manifests in a freaking Disney film.  I get it, you know?  I know that the chances of an ugly, useless person like me just does not have any chance in the realm of adult relationships.  I should be happy and satisfied that I have an amazing life, full of family and friends and truly kick-ass and meaningful work.  I am.  I am happy and satisfied and clearly grateful for every damn thing that I have.  I understand how seriously ungrateful I am to want more, when there are so many people who would give just about anything to have the wonderful life that I have.  I wish that I were not so greedy.

The coincidence of the GP is just, plain sad:

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 21

Breakfast:  Eggs, steak, fruit, freaking bran muffin
Lunch:  Lobster, cauliflower, yogurt dip
Dinner:  Cauliflower, yogurt dip

So, anyway, Saturday is coffee and breakfast with my friends.  It used to be just coffee, but we ran out of just plain coffee shops and started going to places where they serve more than muffins and bagels and stuff like that.  I think that I am quitting the group because two of them are so rude to the wait staff and all complainy and generally being pains in the ass. It is uncomfortable all of the time, and downright embarrassing some of the time.  No one will say anything to either of them, and I am no exception, mostly because I do not want anyone else to call me out on any of my crap.  One of them is late for everything.  Really, everything.  Yet, each week she complains to us and sometimes to a waiter about how long it takes for her to get her food.  This one makes me laugh...a lot...because she groused about how it took ten minutes for her to get her pot of tea, even after the waiter shared with her that it was taking a little longer to be prepared.  Yeah, she is mostly amusing; so is the other woman.  I like them so much, but really, the Universe does not revolve around any of us, particularly in a busy restaurant.  Yes?  Aw, more likely I am being too critical, to judgmental, to much of a bitch.  Either way, staying home will be better for everyone.

I guess that will eliminate the muffin issue I faced today.  The place they chose does not have any à la carte items.  You have to order a whole, pre-designed meal.  You can try to ask to not have some of the items, like fried or hashed potatoes, toast, English muffins and regular muffins, but they sometime bring them to the table anyway.  I am guessing that bringing everything eliminates any fuss from their customers about paying for a whole meal and not ordering all of it's components.  So, they give you everything and you get to decide if you want to eat it.

Yeah, great solution to bartering customers, but there is that toast or some kind of muffin sitting there, a little glossy on top, raisins poking out from the branny and delicious smelling goodness.  My goodness.  I offered the muffin to the table, but because all of them got their whole meal, there were no takers, not even to take it home for later.

I ate my eggs and the tiny, rare, tender steak.  I nibbled at the sliced and diced fruit, then ate most of it.  I drank cup after cup of coffee (easy to do as they leave pots of it at the table), hoping to fill myself up so that there would be no room for muffins.  Man.  There was room for muffins.  I ate nearly half of it.  It was wonderful, nice and crumbly because of all the bran, just enough raisins.  But, it also had sugar in it, and some regular flour to hold it all together.  No bliss there.

Even worse than eating half is that I brought the other half home and ate it mid-afternoon, although I am counting it as breakfast.

Why, after three weeks of this do I have such a ridiculously low amount of self control?  I suck.  Really.

Alrighty, then, the lobster.  I have been tossing out too much food that has gone bad waiting for me to cook it.  I could pack those things away in the freezer, but I have only a small, bottom of the fridge freezer and it is already full of food that I never cooked and have socked away in there so that I would not have to throw it in the garbage.  Now, if I would actually thaw some of that crap and cook it, there would be room for more potential garbage, but I do not thaw and cook for the very same reason that all of that stuff ended up in the freezer in the first place.

I run out of energy to do much actual cooking.  For a while, I was buying frozen meals when they were on sale and eating those.  It was great.  They start off in the freezer and they eventually get eaten and there is no waste.  But, then I decided to eat more healthy food and that is why the freezer is at full capacity.

My solution is to shop for just a couple of days at a time.  So far it is working fine.  I have thrown away only some leftovers and some greens that went all wonky.  It means more stops on the way home from work and stuff, but that is not a problem, except when my energy fails and it is too difficult to stop, shop and haul my sorry behind in and out of the store.  For those days, I have filled a small shelf with canned soup, microwave popcorn and crackers.  There is iceberg lettuce, apples and some kind of hardy vegetable in the refrigerator almost all of the time, just to give the healthy food thing some credibility.

Got all my bases covered.

The  larder here was pretty empty.  Condiments, sugar-free syrups (for making plain water more appealing), pre-cooked bacon, and some cilantro is what was in there.  So, I stopped at a market on the way home from coffee this morning.  They were having a sale on lobster.  You paid $10 for one, about a pound each I guess, they cooked it for you in these huge cauldrons in front of the store, chilled them in ice water and you were set to go.

It was really good, that poor dead creature.  It was perfectly cooked and I ate everything edible, including the coral, which I really like.  It was a late lunch, after 3:00, but so filling and satisfying, juicy and, like, perfect.  So, not hungry much at dinner, and more cauliflower and some yogurt with ranch dressing powder was fine.

I have to take one of my ss women to lunch tomorrow, but for the next few days I am all set.  I have individually portioned, frozen beef patties, a couple of smoked port chops, green beans, the rest of the cauliflower (a bit more than half), peaches for breakfast or dinner tomorrow, 2 dozen eggs (some of which I will hard cook), celery, a tomato, asparagus, lemon juice for making rosewater lemonade, plenty of yogurt, blueberries, and the iceberg lettuce.

You know, I do not want to eliminate all sweets and other pleasurable foods from what I eat.  I do not want to make this about sacrifice so severe that I am afraid to enjoy myself and what I eat.  I have several trips scheduled for next month, August and October, and I want to eat the meals they provide and not get all angsty about what I am eating or not eating.

What I am doing now has to be a way of eating that I can comfortably follow for the rest of my life.  That is supposed to be the path to healthful eating that can last a lifetime.  Anything else will not work, and I have decades of proof that drastically changing to only certain foods is an exercise in failure on a grand scale.  I have already lost enough weight to notice it.  My clothes feel slightly looser and there is a reduction in the bulge-age in a certain area.  My bra is too big and some of my big girl panties are in danger of dropping when I least expect or desire them to do so.

So, this is working, and I would like to keep it that way.  I do not want to deprive myself of yummy and delicious alternatives to the junk and carbs that have been the mainstay of my diet for so long.  I am spending more money on groceries, but the quality of food has dramatically increased.  So, it is all good.  No one knows how much longer they will live, I am no exception to that, and I would very much like to spend the remaining time that I have not being fat.  I would like that very, very much.

Maybe every incidence of slippage in the whole will-power failures has been an opportunity to examine what food means to me beyond something that keeps you alive.  Maybe I need to pay closer attention to those incidents.  Not let them discourage or define me.

There are moments when this seems too difficult.  A month ago I would have sworn that I was not a person who ate in response to emotions.  An emotional eater?  Not me.  Now I know that I eat according to how I feel, particularly when I am feeling frightened, threatened and lonely.  That is such a difficult thing to accept.  Yet, if this is going to work this time, I have to find a way to deal with this, understand and resolve it and then get rid of it, once and for all.  Oh, maybe not completely, I know myself fairly well, but I would dearly love to leave most of that baggage behind me, along with the flab.

That would be so lovely.  Finding a way to care about myself enough to make choices that are truly in my own, best self interest.  I help my clients manifest that in their lives, perhaps I can do it for myself, too.  I had no intention to get all serious about this process. I wanted it to be easier than that, more like, well, just easier.  I am avoiding the scale, which has never been my friend.  I am not measuring and weighing portions, allowing my tummy to alert me when it is full, or at least satisfied.  I am still walking without my cane.  I lost count of how many days, but is is more than a week.  I did too much last Tuesday and took it in to work with me, concerned that a twelve-hour day at two locations might prove more than my knees and hip could handle on their own.  I will admit that I am taking more pain medication, but I think that cane made it possible for me to walk with less energy and certainly much less assurance.  By the end of the day my knees are not too bad, but my hips are, only sometimes, an agony.  This, too, will pass, yes?

All of this, the entire process, just seems right.  I am not stressed about it, well, except for my problems with the damn sweets.  I always believed that I was not a fan of sweet stuff.  Given a choice, I would always choose something salty, crunchy, and if you could put sour cream on it, that was even better.  I am simply going to trust that this works out the way it is supposed to and that this weakness for sweet stuff will pass.

I have three new GPs.  This is one of them.  It is named, Karma-O-Whirl:

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 20

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch:  Huge salad, greens, vegetables, little bit of roast beef, no dressing
Dinner:  Crab legs, broccoli, 4 pieces of sushi, some pickled ginger, some wasabi

I did fairly well, considering the cravings that yesterday's first two meals brought.  I guess that I cannot eat off plan without paying some kind of consequences.  I am fine now, but slipping like that kind of scares me now.  I am being foolish, even for me, but I was thinking during dinner that maybe even a little bit of the right-now-wrong-foods might make me stroke out or something, especially this early in the whole weight loss thing because getting to reasonable health is a long way away.  I did not want this to be about losing weight, although becoming healthier hinges on exactly that.

I have to wonder why the concept and admitting that shedding some serious poundage is what I need to do and why I am so reluctant to just own up to that.  It does not help that two things, one last evening and one today, reminded me that I am just one, ugly person.  I guess I must have been feeling too self assured there for a few moments and forgot that.  For some reason, I need to keep reminding myself lately.  Should not be so hard.


I still need to sleep, although I wonder how possible it is to catch up on lost sleep, even in the very short term, like over a few days.  I think that I read that lost sleep cannot ever be regained by sleeping more or longer on subsequent days/nights.  It makes sense.  Not like a bank account or anything.

Speaking of which, my credit card company bumped me up to a higher level of membership, or whatever they call it, and sent me a new card, with an extended renewal date.  Cool.  Except I never received the new card and found out that it was all messed up when I called them for something else and was reminded that I had never activated the new card.  Uh, what new card?  Then the explanation, then the explaining that it was a security issue and now, on a long, holiday weekend, I am without a credit card because I authorized them to cancel the current one, create a new card number and overnight the new one to me.  The account stays the same, everything carries over, so no problems there.  But, with the holiday, the chances are excellent that the new card will arrive next week.  Still no problem, but I and my CC company are wondering what happened to the other one.

One funny thing from my conversation with their representative, or whatever they are called :), happened when she was explaining my options.  One was to do the cancel and reissue, one was to hold on until next week to do it and the third was, "Well, the other option is for you to activate the card you never received."  I started laughing and had to tell her why.  O.K., tiny, lame joke, but it still is funny to me.  Wonder what happened to that card?

I made reservations for three more day trips, which is how this whole thing with the CC started.  They are little excursions to fairly interesting places, but the main focus and energy for me is that I will be out of town and out of contact for three, lovely days over the next month or so.  Paradise.  Bliss.  And, I did not have to be left behind during the Rapture to experience being left alone.  Like I said, bliss.

Well, off to look at a few web sites, bother some people and an early bedtime, hopefully to pretend that I am catching up on all of that lost sleep.  Oh, and I am feeling better health-wise.  Less ear pain, less coughing, less goo clogging up/coming out of me.  More bliss.


Today does have a GP.  It is a thunderbird.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 19, actually

Breakfast: sandwich and soda at McDonald's
Lunch:  Big Mac, you guessed it...McDonald's
Dinner:  Sushi, red velvet apricots, blueberries, root beer

It was a very long day.  Three nights of not enough sleep, although there was nothing I could do about any of it.  Early commitments, late nights, all culminating in yesterday, spending the day with a friend who had minor surgery.  You know, sometimes you just do what you have to do, and that is what I did.  She lives an hour or so away and whilst I took apples, whole grain crackers (not homemade) and raw almonds with me to serve as breakfast, I have to say that by the time I had driven twenty minutes and was about to enter the interstate, that McDonald's, incandescent and beckoning in the misty dawn was more than I could resist.

Well, I could have resisted, but I did not.  Got me a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit and a quart of diet cola (only for the caffeine, of course) and I was ready to meet the challenge of driving amongst the people who do this drive every day and who know exactly how to do it and were zipping around me like knights seeking the grail.  The sandwich went quickly, and it was perfect, probably because I was hungry and they truly are yummy.  The soft drink did not last the drive, but it did perk me up a bit.

I was there to watch her small children and when her husband showed up at lunchtime with more take-out, I ate my sandwich like a big girl, but I did not have cola or fries.  They looked really good, though.  Dinnertime found me on my way home, and starving.  Those quick, drive-through foods are nice and all, they taste fine and fill you up, but they do not have any staying power.  For me there is too much refined carbs, lovely though they may be, but just do not work for me.  So, I stopped at a nice grocery, kind of a high-end one that I use to treat myself, and that is exactly what I did.  I bought freshly made sushi, some of those amazing apricots, peaches, blueberries, tomatoes, peas and some diet soft drinks.  I ate in the car and then drove home.

So, I kind of redeemed my good intentions at the end of the day.  I do worry about taking the easy way and going back to my drive-through glory days.  It was so easy to justify doing it yesterday.  It would be easy to do the same just about any other day when I am not eating all of my meals at home or am rushing around doing errands or from job to job.  I have to prepare better and stick to eating the foods that I haul around with me.  But, man, those apricots were delicious, practically drip down your arm juicy and just sweet enough, the way that apricots rarely are.

I got home at 8:00, checked in on the computer, intending to make this confession last night, but could hardly stay awake, partly because of the carbs.  Slept more than nine hours and am just now feeling awake and ready to get going.  To be honest, I would have slept longer, but I had the beginnings of a headache and know that more sleep would not be all that helpful.  My plans are eggs for breakfast, taking a salad of lots of greens, vegetables and some left-over deli roast beef for lunch at the gallery and then meeting a friend for dinner at that Japanese place. 

Well, we will see, I guess.  I am seeing and feeling some small changes in my body.  Encouraging.  Last night I felt like weighing myself, but that would likely set me back on my old dependence on what the scale shows for the whole self-esteem thing, so I am going to continue to resist doing that.

I am off to make my eggs and get going here.  A new brochure from the travel place came yesterday.  I have already seen two day trips that look interesting.  My fast and junk food money is being spent on these trips.  Good for my health, body related, and for keeping my brain juiced up and keeping my body moving, with all that walking.

Gods, I really want to go back to bed.  Lordy.  No GP.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 17

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch:  Japanese restaurant, whole bunch of vegetables, some pork, sushi, two chicken wing parts, fruit, diet cola
Dinner: Sushi, toast

All right.  It is always cheaper to eat at home than it is to eat where you show up, sit down (mostly), and eat food that someone else cooked or otherwise prepared.  Well, if you give them money, of course.

Except, today I spent less on eating out food than I would have for staying home food.  Yep.  Especially when you factor in how much food I throw away because I never get around to cooking the stuff.  Oh, the shame of it all!  Yep.

I kind of wondered if I would have any self control, but I did.  This place has sushi, of course, and they cook your food to order.  So, I gathered together the same, as in nearly, practically, almost exactly the same ingredients that I use at home for dinner many nights.  Cool.  Plus, I had nice fruit.  Plus, I had as much diet cola as I wanted.  Way cool.  Plus, I bought some extra sushi to bring home for dinner.

So, it was not all that bad, but sushi is much better freshly made.  Just saying.  Yep.  I have some left, in anticipation of taking it to work tomorrow for lunch.  Uh, I think not.  Man.  More wasted food for the trash.  Shame redux.  Argh.

Between mentoring, lunch, Walmart and groceries, I walked nearly all day.  But, I refused to take the cane.  I am stupid.  I did redeem myself by buying a decent keyboard...smarter...which I would not have needed if I had not tried to be frugal when buying the other one...back to stupid.

Let's see if Photobucket works tonight.  Named, well, it does not have a name.  Does not need a name.  It is only a pumpkin.  Yep.

Woo-hoo!!!