100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 60

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch:  Frozen chicken pecan thing, 8 ounce can of pineapple, cuppy thing of applesauce
Dinner:  Japanese

Busy day at work, and less time than usual for lunch, so that was wolfed down posthaste.  Two less than sane clients, but both are harmless.  It is just so frustrating to know that there are always going to be people that I am unable to help.  One of them is now convinced that she can get a job that requires specific certification without having to actually take the training and pass the certification testing.  I did not even try to disavow her of that notion.  It would have made absolutely no difference, and so I saved myself the heartbreak of trying to help her with this hurdle.  I know that she will be back and I know how unlikely it is that I will be able to help her then. 

I was able to go to fiber club after and finally finished the tiny sweater.  I crocheted a nice collar on it and finally gave up with half of the top row to do because I simply could not see those teeny stitches.  I left early to get home and detoured to my favorite place and had a quick and satisfying dinner.  No extras, no fruit for dessert, no tea, nothing, just an entree and I was out of there.  I wanted to stop at the pharmacy on the way home, but sort of crashed and by the time I got here I was done, and well done at that. 

Straight to bed.  And, just my luck at trying to post during the changes.  Not sure I like all of them, but it is pointless to worry about something over which I have no control...just like everything else.  Rats, the location thingy is broken.  Great.

There must be a GP in here someplace.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 32

Breakfast:  Eggs, bacon, tea
Lunch:  2 hot dogs, 1 bun, dill pickle slices, jalapeno slices, carrot sticks
Dinner:  Japanese place, usual stuff, usual behaving myself...yay me

This is the short and sweet of my day, because I am Ecks Hoss Ted, but my friends just call me Ecks.

Work was great, and with a no-show, I was able to do more work on that web site and catch up on a few other things.  The gift of empty time to fill is something that I will never take for granted.  It is that wonderful.  Clients were the usual mix.  I cannot define exactly what that is, but there is a customary mix and today was it.

Knitting club after work.  I have finished two of the half-size bath cloths and started on one that is shaped like a fish.  It is 2/3 of the way done and already cute.  I should have a few more pairs done by the time we make bathtub soap paint again.  Maybe the end of next week.

On my way out of the library today, the cover of a sewing book caught my eye.  It was on the new releases shelves and it is for small or scrap fabric projects.  I think that most of them, maybe all, just not sure, use a fat quarter or less of fabric.  I will check tomorrow when I am more alert.

Still walking without my cane, but, man, does it ever hurt like a bitch.  Those hip joints are rubbing bone-to-bone in a few places and it is taking large amounts of pain relief to make this walking unaided possible, but I just know that it will help with keeping me more mobile and less crippled.  I just know it and have to be patient until my supporting muscles pack on the fast and slow twitch fibers. I just know it.

There are some big storms in the area tonight.  It has been beastly hot for a few days, like dangerous to old folk and pets, or something.  On my way home I was stuck in traffic a block away from the tornado sirens.  What a pain, literally.  My left ear is still ringing and I have to wonder how the people who live near those things can stand it.  No tornadoes, but high winds, like in excess of 85 miles per hour, which blew a semi-truck on it's side whilst I was driving home.  Supposed to be bringing quarter-sized hail, too.  I am sort of sorry to have to miss that, because it sounds like the storm is going around us.

That is it, bed for me and the kitties, reading whilst the storm blasts through here.  My life seems so much better today than it has for a while.  I am going to keep myself occupied with gratitude.  Yep.

GP.  Nested hearts, I think.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 25

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch:  Salad, 3 old chicken wing parts (over-microwaved), a couple of pecan halves, a couple of tiny, tumbled carrots
Dinner:  2 dollar menu chicken sandwiches (jalapenos added at home), small fries

Good grief, a quarter of the way through.  If I were not already feeling and seeing changes, for the better by the way, in my body, I think that I would be discouraged with so little time left.  I know that I am invested in making life-long changes and that I did not gain all of the tonnage in a few months, but I am a bit discouraged.  Not much, just a little.

Still walking without my cane and I actually felt confident tooling around work today.  I must have made a dozen or more trips to various parts of the building.  I still took the elevator between floors, often enviously watching other people take the stairs.  Too much bone-on-bone in my knees and hip to be able to navigate them quickly enough to stay out of the way of people who can use them with ease.

I remember thinking, during one of those waiting for the elevator moments that I will be able to fly up and down in another month or so, then remembering that that is simply not going to happen for me, not with these joints. 

The fiber babes met again at the end of the day.  I have been wanting to take on knitting again, so this is the perfect opportunity.  I am the second last person with experience, but did not feel intimidated by the skill levels of the other women.  I took out my cotton yarn and my number 4 needles and cast on for a wash cloth.  I made it halfway and will finish it at the gallery on Friday and begin a second one.

I decided that it was so cute that it and the second one could be for my grandbabies.  I just bought them Cars strawberry shampoo and we will be making bath paints next week.  With the wash cloths, they will be set to go.  I thought about making some swirled soap in the colors of the yarn, but quickly abandoned the idea.  Just too tired to mess with lye.

I scheduled an extra session with a client for tomorrow morning, and, huge surprise, have been invited to lunch at the Japanese restaurant.  I might not go, just have to see how the energy develops tomorrow.

What else...nothing.  I am tired and going to bed.  Watched the De Niro, Edward Norton film, Stone tonight.  Very film noir, but really, ponderous.  I liked it, sort of, decent acting, mostly, and Norton is as mesmerizing to watch as ever, but it seemed full of lost opportunities.  Or, I am just too tired and did not get any of it.  Probably the latter.  Maybe not. 

I am hungry.  My feet hurt.

I think this is the last stockpiled GP. 

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 20

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch:  Huge salad, greens, vegetables, little bit of roast beef, no dressing
Dinner:  Crab legs, broccoli, 4 pieces of sushi, some pickled ginger, some wasabi

I did fairly well, considering the cravings that yesterday's first two meals brought.  I guess that I cannot eat off plan without paying some kind of consequences.  I am fine now, but slipping like that kind of scares me now.  I am being foolish, even for me, but I was thinking during dinner that maybe even a little bit of the right-now-wrong-foods might make me stroke out or something, especially this early in the whole weight loss thing because getting to reasonable health is a long way away.  I did not want this to be about losing weight, although becoming healthier hinges on exactly that.

I have to wonder why the concept and admitting that shedding some serious poundage is what I need to do and why I am so reluctant to just own up to that.  It does not help that two things, one last evening and one today, reminded me that I am just one, ugly person.  I guess I must have been feeling too self assured there for a few moments and forgot that.  For some reason, I need to keep reminding myself lately.  Should not be so hard.


I still need to sleep, although I wonder how possible it is to catch up on lost sleep, even in the very short term, like over a few days.  I think that I read that lost sleep cannot ever be regained by sleeping more or longer on subsequent days/nights.  It makes sense.  Not like a bank account or anything.

Speaking of which, my credit card company bumped me up to a higher level of membership, or whatever they call it, and sent me a new card, with an extended renewal date.  Cool.  Except I never received the new card and found out that it was all messed up when I called them for something else and was reminded that I had never activated the new card.  Uh, what new card?  Then the explanation, then the explaining that it was a security issue and now, on a long, holiday weekend, I am without a credit card because I authorized them to cancel the current one, create a new card number and overnight the new one to me.  The account stays the same, everything carries over, so no problems there.  But, with the holiday, the chances are excellent that the new card will arrive next week.  Still no problem, but I and my CC company are wondering what happened to the other one.

One funny thing from my conversation with their representative, or whatever they are called :), happened when she was explaining my options.  One was to do the cancel and reissue, one was to hold on until next week to do it and the third was, "Well, the other option is for you to activate the card you never received."  I started laughing and had to tell her why.  O.K., tiny, lame joke, but it still is funny to me.  Wonder what happened to that card?

I made reservations for three more day trips, which is how this whole thing with the CC started.  They are little excursions to fairly interesting places, but the main focus and energy for me is that I will be out of town and out of contact for three, lovely days over the next month or so.  Paradise.  Bliss.  And, I did not have to be left behind during the Rapture to experience being left alone.  Like I said, bliss.

Well, off to look at a few web sites, bother some people and an early bedtime, hopefully to pretend that I am catching up on all of that lost sleep.  Oh, and I am feeling better health-wise.  Less ear pain, less coughing, less goo clogging up/coming out of me.  More bliss.


Today does have a GP.  It is a thunderbird.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 19, actually

Breakfast: sandwich and soda at McDonald's
Lunch:  Big Mac, you guessed it...McDonald's
Dinner:  Sushi, red velvet apricots, blueberries, root beer

It was a very long day.  Three nights of not enough sleep, although there was nothing I could do about any of it.  Early commitments, late nights, all culminating in yesterday, spending the day with a friend who had minor surgery.  You know, sometimes you just do what you have to do, and that is what I did.  She lives an hour or so away and whilst I took apples, whole grain crackers (not homemade) and raw almonds with me to serve as breakfast, I have to say that by the time I had driven twenty minutes and was about to enter the interstate, that McDonald's, incandescent and beckoning in the misty dawn was more than I could resist.

Well, I could have resisted, but I did not.  Got me a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit and a quart of diet cola (only for the caffeine, of course) and I was ready to meet the challenge of driving amongst the people who do this drive every day and who know exactly how to do it and were zipping around me like knights seeking the grail.  The sandwich went quickly, and it was perfect, probably because I was hungry and they truly are yummy.  The soft drink did not last the drive, but it did perk me up a bit.

I was there to watch her small children and when her husband showed up at lunchtime with more take-out, I ate my sandwich like a big girl, but I did not have cola or fries.  They looked really good, though.  Dinnertime found me on my way home, and starving.  Those quick, drive-through foods are nice and all, they taste fine and fill you up, but they do not have any staying power.  For me there is too much refined carbs, lovely though they may be, but just do not work for me.  So, I stopped at a nice grocery, kind of a high-end one that I use to treat myself, and that is exactly what I did.  I bought freshly made sushi, some of those amazing apricots, peaches, blueberries, tomatoes, peas and some diet soft drinks.  I ate in the car and then drove home.

So, I kind of redeemed my good intentions at the end of the day.  I do worry about taking the easy way and going back to my drive-through glory days.  It was so easy to justify doing it yesterday.  It would be easy to do the same just about any other day when I am not eating all of my meals at home or am rushing around doing errands or from job to job.  I have to prepare better and stick to eating the foods that I haul around with me.  But, man, those apricots were delicious, practically drip down your arm juicy and just sweet enough, the way that apricots rarely are.

I got home at 8:00, checked in on the computer, intending to make this confession last night, but could hardly stay awake, partly because of the carbs.  Slept more than nine hours and am just now feeling awake and ready to get going.  To be honest, I would have slept longer, but I had the beginnings of a headache and know that more sleep would not be all that helpful.  My plans are eggs for breakfast, taking a salad of lots of greens, vegetables and some left-over deli roast beef for lunch at the gallery and then meeting a friend for dinner at that Japanese place. 

Well, we will see, I guess.  I am seeing and feeling some small changes in my body.  Encouraging.  Last night I felt like weighing myself, but that would likely set me back on my old dependence on what the scale shows for the whole self-esteem thing, so I am going to continue to resist doing that.

I am off to make my eggs and get going here.  A new brochure from the travel place came yesterday.  I have already seen two day trips that look interesting.  My fast and junk food money is being spent on these trips.  Good for my health, body related, and for keeping my brain juiced up and keeping my body moving, with all that walking.

Gods, I really want to go back to bed.  Lordy.  No GP.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 18

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch:  Roast beef sandwich, whole grain bread (homemade), lettuce, mild pepper rings
Dinner: Taco Taco

Today was one of my long days, 12+ hours working, so this will be short because I have to be up and out of the house by 4:30 in the morning.  Long story, boring.

By the time my day was finished, it was nearly 8:30 and I was starving.  Fine.  I was not actually starving, mostly because I have enough flab to keep a small village going for at least a couple of weeks, were they so inclined.

But, I was hungry.  Stunningly so, headache and everything.  It must be because there is absolutely no snacking or between meal eating going on here.  Had I had dinner at a reasonable time, all would have been well.  I stopped at McDonald's for a couple of the dollar menu cheeseburgers.  I love those little squashy burgers.  Thin meat, smashededy buns, fake cheese, all hot and greasy, oh, yum.  Took one bite and spit it out.  Took a bite of the other one.  Chewed a bit.  Swallowed.  Took another bite.  Spit it out.

Oh...my...god!!  I do not like them anymore, Sam I Am.  What the hell happened?  They were fine, just tasting the same as always, but having it in my mouth was revolting.  After that first swallow, even the smell of them made me queasy. 

Alas, poor squishy burgers, I knew and loved you well.  But, it is clear that you are not on my top taste hit parade anymore.  So sad.

So, I sat there, in the parking lot, looking at my bag of never to be eaten smasholiciousness-filled burger buddies.  But, I was still hungry and very far from my home, which, by the way, does not have any easily eaten foodstuffs anymore since I decided to go all healthy on myself.  After yesterday's mistakes in walking too much I knew that I could not just stop and get something quick at the market, especially if it needed any heating or cooking at all. 

So, I did the next best thing.  I went to Taco Taco, got two tacos and a small meat and bean burrito.  I have to say that I took the first bite with some trepidation.  Was this going to be a repeat of the blasted burger bungle?  The tension built, my stomach grumbled, my hand shook, dribbling bits of cheese and teeny-tiny chunks of tomato on my lap, or where a lap will be when I get more healthy-er. 

Finally, my headache could take no more and told me to just bite the bullet  taco, and I did.  It seems as though I have, at least temporarily, lost my taste for fast food.  However, I was able to eat the tacos and burrito.  I did not barf.  My tummy is happy, my head is slightly happy and I just took two antihistamines so that I can go to sleep soon.

Lordy.

Tonight's GP is, well, I am not sure what it is.  Kind of looks like an iris or something.  Maybe.  Has no name, though.  You know, now that I look at it, it sort of resembles the love child of an iris and a snapdragon.  Kind of creepy, huh?

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 12

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch: Toast, butter, turkey necks
Dinner: Small thing of yogurt

I sort of crashed today.  Too much stuff on two busy days.  Man, this should not knock the beans out of me like this.  I coughed, gagged and hacked all night.  How anyone got any rest here is a mystery.  My guess is that I got the most, but I am not asking because I do not want to be chided for disturbing everyone.  The cats do not care because it got me up early and they had their breakfast early.

I had just the eggs this morning because I figured that the protein would have more staying power whilst it decayed  digested in my gut.  Lunch rolled around, despite my dozing and resting, and by the time I was hungry enough to get up, I discovered that I had never put the turkey necks on to roast.

Now.  Turkey necks.  One of my all-time comfort foods.  The market chops them into 3-inch lengths, and put in a pan, sprinkled with a little salt, and roasted at 425 degrees for about an hour, they are little hunks of chewy delight.  They are so good.  They are also the kind of food that you never, ever can eat in front of anyone else.  Well, the cats do not mind because they get their own share, but other humans simply do not want to watch another human bite, tear, chew, suck and gnaw on those bony bits of heaven.

Anyway, they did not get bitten, torn, chewed, sucked or any of the rest until 2:30.  I kept my tummy satisfied with a piece of toast, then another piece of toast.  Later, there was one more piece of toast, and then I ate six pieces of neck, with three times that many now in the fridge.  I had the yogurt for dinner and am not hungry.  Mostly.  Either I am actually reducing my appetite with these smaller meals and no snacking, or I am still too sick to care about eating.  I am kind of concerned that this eating less food is so easy because I am so ill and that when (or if) I ever feel better that my old appetites will return.  Man, I hope not; I really, really hope that does not happen.  Would that not be, oh gosh, one of the most wonderful things ever?  That I could be satisfied with something approaching, approximating normal portion sizes?  It could happen.  It could.

Speaking of appetites, I have been thinking of another human one that is not so easily satisfied.  I have been without the benefits of a partner for a very long time.  Like really long.  Like bats in the belfry, cobwebs where there should not be cobwebs long.  Honestly, that long.  Most of the time I never give it a thought.  Sometimes, when my friend, D, the ancient horndog is lusting over some young woman (one whom, by the way, he has not a chance of getting even a tiny taste, although that does absolutely nothing to deter him), I do think about it and have had the occasional yearning for someone nice in my life.  However, I am a realist of the highest order and know that there is not a rat's ass chance of that ever happening.  It makes me sad, right this minute, just to think of how that is never going to happen for me.

Anyway, I am hoping that I can continue to eat less and get healthier when I finally return to more immediate health.  My dentist called to remind me of my appointment on Monday morning and it is a good thing, as I could cancel and not create an empty space that some other patient could use.  And, by the way, she called not because I forget, but to remind me that I was to hang around because we had plans for lunch.  She is an amazing dentist and an even better friend.  She is great.  Me, not so much, because I had completely forgotten. 

Staying home today meant that I did no errands.  I still have not had time to get the things I need from the pharmacy (including some fibery stuff,, which in another day I am going to need more than oxygen), find and buy a window-sized air conditioner, get any fresh vegetables or open that freaking checking account, get a debit card and finally be able to join WW.  This is insane.  You cannot hear this, but I am screaming in my head because this is so much more difficult that anything of this sort should be.  I have thought this before, but I am a bit O.K. with myself at how determined I am to do this.  So, I will get going early tomorrow, do all that and get to the gallery on time, where the ancient mariner horndog will likely show up and tell some damn story that will make my own longings manifest one more, damn time. 

I really suck and have a relatively suckly life right now.  Oh, the work and family and friends aspects are fine, but I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I cannot even add today as one without using my cane because I did not go anywhere, but I can count tomorrow, and I think, in celebration of not using my cane, actually getting dressed and leaving the house, and not being able to take my leftover turkey necks to have for lunch, that I will get a sandwich from Subway.  Hell, if that TV commercial guy can lose weight and get healthier eating those veggie subs, they certainly cannot hurt me.  That will be fun.

Since I did nothing useful, except for roasting the turkey necks, I had plenty of time to play mahjong, take a rest here and there and make some more of my current guilty pleasure/GP.

I made six, I think, with several of them primitive and silly, which is fine because I am primitive and more than a little silly.  I like this one.  A lot.  It is not silly.  It is named Mermother:

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 9

Breakfast:  2 corn dogs, 2 mugs of instant cocoa/no sugar
Lunch: Nothing
Dinner:  2 cans of chicken soup, 2 slices of whole wheat toast, buttered, 2 mugs of decaf green tea, 3 RS sugar-free chocolates

It was a slow day, although it began at 2:00 a.m., when I woke gagging on mucus and then kept up by hunger.  I finally gave in and had the corn dogs and cocoa because they were the most quiet and least scent-creating things to make at that hour.

Went back to bed and slept until eight, back to rest, read and mostly doze at eleven.  Finally got up at 3:00 p.m.  Ate dinner at, around 7:00 and am ready for bed again.  I was not hungry, even after not eating, but made myself heat up the soup.  Then, heat up another one and have toast with it.  On a roll for twos, I guess.  The Russel Stover chocolates were for medicinal purposes only.  Honest.  The sugar alcohols are slightly, ummm, well, they help you, well, I just have to say it, poop, and with so little fiber in my body today, my colon will thank me tomorrow, fersure.

It was nice to sleep so much today.  You just cannot discount the benefits of naps.

I am taking all of my meds.  I have stopped with the antihistamines because I think they are blocking the fluids in my middle ears from draining.  Just popped a couple of generic decongestants, and hope that works.  I really am not fond of waking up with the whole mucus gagging thing.  Enough fun already.

Off to bed.

Oh, og, oog, I called yesterday's friend.  As assertive as I was with her at lunch about making a big freaking deal about who pays, she is just the same old person today again.  We have an agreement that we each pay our own whatever, lunch, snacks, beverages, stuff.  And still she creates a little scene each time, dragging in whatever poor, hapless clerk, waiter, salesperson is stuck taking care of us.

So, yesterday I took a stand, one that I have taken twice before, but she is such a backslider about this stuff.  The stand is that if she fusses about paying for my meal, that the meal (or snack or whatever) about which she is fussing and making a scene will be the last one that we have together.  Today I had to make the same standard for telephone conversations.  Lordy.  It is too much.  My guess is that, from her relating familial things, this is the way they all do business.  Everyone having a long, torturous scene over who pays for whatever.  Same thing for where to go or what to do together.

It is too much.  I cannot have this keep happening.  I just cannot.  And, it is not because I am feeling so crappy.  Hell, even when I am well, this just wears me down all the time, all the long days that she needs for all her stuff.  I am certain that this makes me a selfish, opinionated freaked-out brat.  So be it.  Fuck.

Today's GP (You know, I think that making one of these is the highpoint of each day.  How sad is that.):

Simple eating

Is there such a thing?

Still trying to eat well, but, gosh, it is so difficult.  It is not like there is any real junk food or fun food in the house, but that is all that I want, desire, crave, crave, crave.  As a result, I am overeating what is here.  Not by much, but more than you need to eat is simply more than you should be eating, big-picture-wise.

Maybe if I keep a record it will help me to take responsibility for being such a, well, something, but not what I was going to write because I am also trying to stop calling myself names, you know, like the really disgusting ones I usually use.  So, no name-calling, just the facts.

Let me see.
A four-inch square of leftover chicken and rice casserole.
6 individual pieces of the sugar-free chocolates that R gave me for Easter.  That was lunch.
A whole bunch of those smiley-faced frozen potato things.  Half is in the refrigerator, but I left them out for a while to cool, forgot about them, and might just toss them in the interest of not getting sick from them.
Lots of water.  Then  more water and then some more.  Lots.
An apple, Ambrosia I think, that I will have before I go to bed.

I am hungry and am not sure that the apple is such a good idea because I still have that tummy trouble, the one where the remains of what you eat leaves your body sooner than is comfortable.

I tried to go, finally, and join Weight Watchers last Tuesday.  It took me a couple of weeks to fool around and shake the numbers so that I could squeeze the fees into my budget. 

So, anyway, I check the schedule, pick a time when they are having a meeting and haul myself over there.  The introductory offer that waived the enrollment fee was over and the weekly prices have gone up.  Not by much, but it was more than the cash I had with me, which was really all the cash I had.  Have, until this month's social security check arrives in my bank account.  There is nothing to do besides cancel or scale back my summer travel plans so that I can do this.  Getting healthier is more important than escaping from here for a while.

It/they are the least expensive weight loss thing around here and I really need something to help me with this.  I read a whole bunch of diet, weight loss, healthy eating books over the past month, and they all have something decent to share, but I have tried to do this by myself for the past several years and it is just not working.  So, the whole group thing is still to be tried.

Tomorrow will find me at the bank, opening a checking account so that I can take advantage of the lower weekly price for the WW meetings.  I am slightly miffed that they make you go through all of this nonsense just to get the lowest fees, although I really do understand that they do want to discourage their members from bringing cash that they then have to handle and eventually bank.  I will get over that, especially if their program helps me.  Although, if that perky Janet is there tomorrow, I will restrain myself from giving her a gentle shake, but with all of the tummy troubles I cannot promise not to barf.  Really, she could get on your last nerve.  I think that I should begin practicing a nice, relatively sincere smile right now.  They say that if you smile, even when you do not feel like smiling, that using those particular muscles can induce a feeling that approximates being happy.  Or happier.  I believe that, but I am not happy about it.

Maybe I would not be so cranky if I felt better.  I have not been able to shake this upper respiratory thing that I caught in January.  Seriously, five months is long enough.  I am guessing that each of those rounds of antibiotics has not been supportive of settling my stomach.  Who knows.  At least the infection seems to be under control.  I feel slightly worse from being around the smokers on Friday.  I am still coughing and my voice is raspy.  I slept most of yesterday, all of last night and will be going off to read a bit before sleeping some more.

I just need enough time to rest and be well, or at least feel better.  I swear, between the head and chest and throat stuff, the vision crap and my lack of energy, it would be so nice to run away somewhere for a week.  Yeah, at least a week, with no responsibilities or opportunities to disappoint anyone.  I mean, strangers do not give a crap about how you perform as a person and if, for some reason, they felt some distress at how miserable a human being you are, well, you cannot get all invested in that because they are strangers and you will be leaving them behind soon enough.

Work, however, is going better than ever and I am so grateful for having that part of my life.  It is nice, even though it is in contrast to how lonely the rest of my life is.  I am not complaining about any of that, truly.  I know how fortunate I am to have the resources that I have.  I see how lucky I am every day at work.  I see it in the market and when I am driving, all the people who would give just about anything to have the life that I have.  I am an ungrateful bitch to want more.  Maybe it is because I am feverish and cranky and feeling like crap all of the time that just wears me down. 

On the bright side, maybe I will be humiliated at Weight Watchers tomorrow and that will put all the rest of my life back into perspective.  Yeah, that's the ticket!  Something to look forward to.

Simple thoughts

McDonald's will not serve you water.  They have water, they just will not let you have any.

The robins thought it was safe enough to come back north.  I am guessing that the past 2 1/2 days of snow and freezing temperatures were not on this year's schedule.  I know that it was not on the rhubarb's schedule.

Yesterday was A's birthday.  His friend, M, from school, was cute, funny and a handful.  His parents are sure to age prematurely.  I hope they have factored that into their life plan.  I really do.  My C was a handful and I never thought to plan ahead.

I am weary of sitting here at McDonald's, and my soon to be accomplished return to the car repair place seem to be almost more than I can handle.  Last night, when my sore throat, sore glands, sore sinuses and sore head were making sleep impossible, I begged to not be sick again.  Please, I implore you, body, do not be sick.  I do not have time to be sick.  More importantly, I do not have the heart to keep getting sick.  I accept a crappy immune system and seriously impaired mucus membranes.  I do.

Last night, the prospect of being ill again, so soon, only since the end of January, for cryingoutloud, was discouraging enough to have me thinking about an overdose of something.  That I do not have anything capable of producing an overdose seemed to not be an obstacle last night.  Today, the daylight, gloomy as it is, allows me to see the flaws in that plan.

I mean, you can no longer overdose on acetaminophen any more.  At best, you will just lose a leg and the final shreds of respect that your family holds for you.  If you have any doubts, just ask S.

When you are visiting your daughter and her family for three months, just following Christmas, it is not in your best interest to precede your departure to her house with a week's worth of fighting. 

If you do, on the two days when you have your catarracts removed, your daughter will refuse to hire someone to come in and be with you whilst everyone else in the household is at work or school, and she will leave you to spend the remainder of each surgery day in a restaurant.

You will have money for lunch and coffee and, maybe, cake, but you will not be able to see well enough to find your way to the restroom.  You and your ancient bladder will have to rely on the kindness of strangers to help you pee.  This one is not about me.

It is important, if not actually essential, to avoid laughing out loud when two men in very expensive suits walk into the McDonald's (where you are waiting whilst your car is being repaired next door) and one of them asks the counter clerk, "So, what's good today?" and then stands there and stares at her until she begins to recite the menu, which is posted on the wall behind her.

Especially when that man orders for the other man, and they end up with fries, one Big Mac (which they split), two soft drinks and a dipped cone.  Lordy.

Especially when he turns and you see that it is your old boss.  I mean, you heard his voice every day, for years.  Failing to recognize him sooner must be your heart, trying to protect your psyche from those memories.

This simple girl is taking her prescription cough medicine, her antihistamines, her nose goo, her pain meds, her mentholated chest rub, her snugly blankie, her book, a couple of cats, her simple thoughts and going to bed.

Mah-ah-ah-ahmmmmm...Please!

Seriously.

Just go and find something useful to do.

Really.

Go away.

Too early

I am a night owl.  Always have been. 

Living a simple life seems to carry a lot of emotionally embarrassing baggage.  It is my experience that those who truly live a simple life seem to be so judgmental about the daily habits of what that entails.  And, I can never decide if sharing my thoughts about such aspects of how a life is going along is simple observation or judgment in itself.  I mean, how does one separate the two, or is it even possible to do so?  I just do not know about that aspect, but I do know that I can never figure that out.  Maybe it has something to do with those who husband animals and large-ish crops and have so much responsibility every day.

Anyway, I offered extra time to a client yesterday and we are meeting at the Library at nine o'clock this morning.  I could have slept in for another hour or so, but us night owls need lots of preparation time for early in the day stuff.  I have been up for more than an hour and am finally able to do more than sit and try to stay awake.

A nap later in the day would help, but that is another embarrassing thing to do, much less admit to doing, although I will likely partake of that guilty pleasure anyway, even though I have tons of unfinished stuff around here.  I have not even reached that part of today and am already manifesting my inner slacker.  And, feeling guilty about it, too boot.

I have always wanted to be a morning person.  On the few occasions when I am up early enough to see the day begin, sunrise and all that jazz, I love it.  In the moment, I love it, but I guess not enough to make it a regular enough practice so that it seems more natural to me.

I have always been intrigued with circadian rhythm experiments and thought that I would like to participate in one.  I wish that I had a life that allowed me to find my own rhythms, on my own.  I kind of worry that I would discover that I am a true child of the night, that my nature is to sleep all day long and arise only near dusk.  Maybe I would have to live a life more alone than the one I now have.  Maybe my only human contact would be other owls when I go out for provisions from the 24-hour gas station convenience stores, silently wandering the two or three aisles of cereals, canned soups, snack foods and motor oil and those dangle-y, evergreen-tree-shaped auto air fresheners.

Maybe I need to find other children of the night.  I wonder where they hang out.  I cannot even think of any all-night places, so maybe they just congregate in the park or the parking lot at the mall or the cemeteries.  Or, where?

Or, maybe I live in the wrong latitude and should have been born (or move to) another hemisphere.  Maybe I am the classic lost zygote.

I am either not living according to my natural needs or I am emotionally or intellectually fighting against my own best interests in my struggles to avoid the dawn.  I guess that after more than six decades of messing around with this that I should have come to some, oh, I do not know, perhaps some kind of uneasy, but doable, peace about this.

Well, I had better finish my breakfast, and get ready for the day.  Lordy.