Saturday, September 10, 2011

All the things I can(not)

This unposted space mocks me.  I had plans, kind of nice, sort of big, mostly challenging plans and it is all fucked up, at least for the time being.

I cannot knit or sew or make those damn porcelain bowls I promised everyone for Yule.

I cannot make any stuff at all.

I cannot make sense of what is happening here, much less wrestle some forward movement out of it.

I cannot visit anyone, not my friends for Saturday morning coffee and, so much worse, not my grandbabies and their mommy and daddy.

I can keep saving money to have his car fixed so that I will be able to resume, at the very least, visits to the babies.  I am slightly more than half-way there and if I had not already paid for those stupid, non-refundable trips, I would be 3/4 of the way there.

I can be grateful for being allowed to use his car, so I just have to get over my selfish irritation about paying for all of the repairs this time.  It is a pittance compared to buying, registering, insurance-ing-up, gassing and maintaining a different car.  Big-girl-panties-pull-up-time.

I can go to work and do fine there.  I can go to fiber club afterwards, but not for long.  I get too hungry and antsy and cannot sit still.

I can work on the computer, so that is great, as I am mostly up to speed, like really, really close, on the sites I manage, and totally up to speed on all of the projects to which I committed.  Nice to have that one place where I am not failing.  So, I am also very grateful that I do have this computer and the Internet to help me with my work and help provide a place where I can go and disappear into the bits and bytes to have some fun.

I can manage on the money that I have and am grateful that I have simple tastes.  I never really thought about it in those terms until fairly recently, but it is true.  I am satisfied with simple things and simple pursuits, although I am not averse to having the Universe drop a whole, stunningly decadent and huge amount of resources on me so that I could take a break from being frugal and have the ability to indulge myself and those I love once in a while.  I would love to help my daughter with stuff and maybe send her and my sweet son-in-law away for a responsibility-free weekend once in a while.  I am glad and satisfied that I have always been glad, satisfied and grateful for what I do have, but that would be totally wonderful.  There is that platitude that money cannot buy happiness, but that is a lie.  It is also mean because it makes those who could really use more monetary resources feel like selfish pigs, which they/me/I are not.  Money can buy the release of terrible worry and the peace of mind that supports happiness, which is pretty much the same thing.

I have so many more of my 'can' than my 'cannot' and that is fine, but not fun.

Everything in it's time.  Right?  Yes?

I had to come back and add the most important thing that money can do.

It can provide safety. 

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