This unposted space mocks me. I had plans, kind of nice, sort of big, mostly challenging plans and it is all fucked up, at least for the time being.
I cannot knit or sew or make those damn porcelain bowls I promised everyone for Yule.
I cannot make any stuff at all.
I cannot make sense of what is happening here, much less wrestle some forward movement out of it.
I cannot visit anyone, not my friends for Saturday morning coffee and, so much worse, not my grandbabies and their mommy and daddy.
I can keep saving money to have his car fixed so that I will be able to resume, at the very least, visits to the babies. I am slightly more than half-way there and if I had not already paid for those stupid, non-refundable trips, I would be 3/4 of the way there.
I can be grateful for being allowed to use his car, so I just have to get over my selfish irritation about paying for all of the repairs this time. It is a pittance compared to buying, registering, insurance-ing-up, gassing and maintaining a different car. Big-girl-panties-pull-up-time.
I can go to work and do fine there. I can go to fiber club afterwards, but not for long. I get too hungry and antsy and cannot sit still.
I can work on the computer, so that is great, as I am mostly up to speed, like really, really close, on the sites I manage, and totally up to speed on all of the projects to which I committed. Nice to have that one place where I am not failing. So, I am also very grateful that I do have this computer and the Internet to help me with my work and help provide a place where I can go and disappear into the bits and bytes to have some fun.
I can manage on the money that I have and am grateful that I have simple tastes. I never really thought about it in those terms until fairly recently, but it is true. I am satisfied with simple things and simple pursuits, although I am not averse to having the Universe drop a whole, stunningly decadent and huge amount of resources on me so that I could take a break from being frugal and have the ability to indulge myself and those I love once in a while. I would love to help my daughter with stuff and maybe send her and my sweet son-in-law away for a responsibility-free weekend once in a while. I am glad and satisfied that I have always been glad, satisfied and grateful for what I do have, but that would be totally wonderful. There is that platitude that money cannot buy happiness, but that is a lie. It is also mean because it makes those who could really use more monetary resources feel like selfish pigs, which they/me/I are not. Money can buy the release of terrible worry and the peace of mind that supports happiness, which is pretty much the same thing.
I have so many more of my 'can' than my 'cannot' and that is fine, but not fun.
Everything in it's time. Right? Yes?
I had to come back and add the most important thing that money can do.
It can provide safety.