Tuesday, March 29, 2011


My grasp on it, the whole reality thing, is not what I thought it to be.  And, just when you think that things cannot get worse, they do.

It is the usual complicated playground here.  It is like a person I know who lives in Australia, who says that she is a very responsible person...when something goes wrong, she is responsible.  So, O.K., I get that, I accept it and I just move on.  Except for today.

I had my driver's license renewed.  I was all prepared.  Like, totally. 
I had my ophthalmologist complete the eye exam part of the renewal when I was there earlier this month when I had that bleeder in my eye. 
I had the cash to pay for the renewal.
I arrived in plenty of time, and it went quickly, which it usually does at our DMV location.
I like to go and do this on my actual birthday, which I did today.  It is a small and silly ritual about the moving into a new year, even though these driver's licenses are renewed only every eight years.  
Then they gave me my license.

You know, I know that I am not beautiful or pretty or even cute.  I know that whatever attractiveness I have in all on the inside and I do my best to be the best person that I am capable of being, then I go the extra distance to be just that little bit more of a good and decent, loving and supportive person.  But, you know, you go along and you forget what you look like.  You see yourself in the mirror at least twice a day when you brush your teeth.  You look there to watch yourself brush your hair.  But, you do not really look at yourself.  At best, you focus in on a part or section.  Eyelashes, chin, eyes, brows during plucking. 

And, I guess that you just become accustomed to that mug looking back at you.  You get used to what you look like and never pay much attention to what you really look like.  And, since I know that I am just barely O.K. in the physical looks department, I thought that I had accepted and was able to honor my appearance.

Then, I looked at my license as I was walking out of the building and I thought that I was going to go into a fugue state or some damn thing, because I was stunned at what I really look like.  I have been aware of people sort of staring at me over the past several months.  At first it drew my attention and then when I could not explain it, you know, like you have noodles dangling from your incisors or a trail of toilet paper stuck in your pants and flowing behind you, I just let it go.  Or it is because I am so fat, but I just let that go as well.  But, now I know that the staring is because I am so ugly, like seriously, truly and really bad looking.

I am glad that people get to know me and can see that I am a good person.  I really am.  But, I also really thought that I was sort of not so bad.  I guess that I thought that being well-groomed was enough.  Clearly, it is not. 

And, the worst part is that I believed that I was not a vain person, but I am, I have to be, otherwise I would not feel so bad about all of this.  And, any time that I get to feeling too full of myself or prideful, all I have to do is look at that picture and be immediately brought back to reality.  Rats.  Double, fucking rats.

And, you know what?  If you are attractive and looking nice, people will tell you that, they will compliment you, but when there is nothing short of a miracle that you could do to improve your appearance no one will say a complimentary word to you and you never even notice that.  I feel such a fool for ever believing that I looked O.K.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

A couple of hours, a piece of cake and a beer later

Having just eaten a poorly conceived dinner, I am off to bed.  I think that another reason that I am feeling so badly about this is that I do not have anyone that I can trust to not hurt me here.  There is not, never will be, a moment when I am able to feel safe.  I suck.

Cold dishes

Who said this...revenge is a dish best served cold?  I have to look this up somewhere.  My table-sized Bartlett's is actually out on loan, so let me see...

Oh, who cares.

Anyway, even though I am trying to be as good a person as I can, I have revenge in my heart.  That person who claimed never to have told me a single lie after I found out that he had cheated, is sort of telling the truth in one respect.  He does not lie in ways that I will eventually be informed, but he does lie about me.  Like, a lot.  This week, after I heard him tell a lie about me I decided to keep count for a while.  You know, just in the spirit of being accurate. 

It is Thursday, and he has told people, in my presence, lies about me four times.  Four fucking times. 

Each time I just stood by and did nothing.  You know, just like I always do.  This must be a special week, because I usually only hear about the lies from his family or one of his friends.  When that happens, I do what I did this week.  I say nothing in my defense.  It just does not seem worth the hassle of saying anything.  When it happens, I feel as though I should be judged and treated on my own merits, the factors of how I am in relationship with that person and not in defense of myself.  Besides, defending one's self from that sort of thing is an exercise in heartbreak.

But, after having it happen again, just a half-hour ago, I am sitting here and feeling so badly about the whole damn thing.  When it happened, and I waited until the person was gone and asked why the lie had been told, I realized something.  I think that he wants me to respond when the person is still around.  I think that he wants me to be upset and maybe even cry or something.  I believe that he wants confirmation about how much this hurts me and that it makes him glad, like that is the payoff for him.  So, now I am even more sad.

But, just a few minutes ago I felt anger about this whole thing.  And, I was thinking that, oh, just you wait until you need me to do some dumb thing for you again.  Boy, I will show you by not doing that thing.  Yeah, I will show you.  Yeah, I am so mature.

And, the next time something is needed, and that happens several times a day it seems sometimes, I know that I will step up and not be all pissy, petty and revengeful and, well, like that.

So, what I have to do is find a way to not let any of this bother me anymore.  Right now I just hate my life a little bit.  Yeah, I know that this is my place to be upbeat and positive and hopeful.  So, maybe I am positive that I hate my life.  There is something seriously wrong with me that I do not leave him to handle his health problems and just go away somewhere where I do not have to deal with all of this.  I just totally suck at this.

Thursday, March 10, 2011


It is impossible to avoid finding pleasure in a day.  Sometime I have to look for it, on occasion it is necessary to wrestle it out of the mess that a day can be.  So, I should be writing here more often.

I do not because I am weak and the end of the day finds me too exhausted from all of the things that are not pleasurable.  Still, I should make the effort.

Yesterday found me without any scheduled clients.  In itself, it is a cause for unbounded joy, because it means that I have an entire day to catch up on all of the things that never seem to get finished in a normal day.  So, yeah, that was really great.  I did have two short, impromptu meetings with other staff, but I managed to bring everything up to speed, including the forum site that I created for clients. 

The two previous weeks were full of clients, and they were all, with a single exception, my most favorite type.  They come in, do the work and pull together all of the adjunct work they need to do. 

Ah, my exception.  He is the man who rarely shows up, often sleeps/dozes, and is very resistant to doing his own work.  We have established that he does not have any reading or behavioral deficits, and my best guess is that he really does not embrace forward movement in his life right now.  When he shows up, we work; when he stays home, I am able to take walk-ins and do more catch-up stuff.  My supervisor believes that I should have fired him as a client long ago, but, truth be told, I kind of look forward to what he will do next.  He is also a bit dramatic, and wails that if he forgets his appointments that I will be mad at him.  Frankly, I find him amusing, but if that is what he needs to feel about it, then that is just fine.  He missed his appointment this week.  I am looking forward to the next installment.

What else.  I am still infusing hydration liquids into a cat with kidney failure.  She is doing well and is so sweet about allowing me to poke her with a huge needle and then fill the space above her shoulders with cooler than body temperature liquid.  She tolerates the entire procedure and then takes a step or two away from me, plops down and sits and rests whilst I put all of the equipment away.  Her owner is calming down a bit and the two of them are often the sweetest part of my week.

I received a call this morning from the social service agency for which I sometimes volunteer.  One of my old clients has been diagnosed with cancer and I am taking her to an out of town appointment tomorrow.  I think that I am also going to be designated as her person qualified to accompany her and take notes during her doctor visits.  I am saddened by her illness, but thrilled to be involved with her again.  If she is strong enough, I will offer to take her to lunch before returning her to her home.

The kitties are fine, although C seems to be having trouble with his colon again and is vomiting a fair amount.  Sad for the process of his health, but also because it means that he cannot sleep in my room whenever he likes.  I have no desire to clean up the effluence from either end of that wonderful guy, so he must stay on the wrong side of that door.  It means that both cats cannot go there, and that makes for sadness for all of us.

I am trying to stay upbeat here, but I had an issue with my good, as in decent vision, eye last week.  It has not resolved and there is not explanation of the cause or how to fix or prevent the bastardly issue.  So, I am concentrating on enjoying the vision that I have now and not stressing about something which is unknown and might not fully manifest anyway. 

I am weary of my weight, as in huge body, and am trying to move in the direction of doing something about it.  I have good intentions, really and truly I do.  Moving from intention, desire and need is difficult for me.  It is as though I do not feel deserving of a healthy life.  It is like I deserve to have a sad body to match my sad life.  I cannot control or really even affect the life part, but I could and can do something about my physical aspect.  Why is this so hard and why does it make me weep.  I have to move beyond this barrier.  If I do not, I will die long before I want or need.