My grasp on it, the whole reality thing, is not what I thought it to be. And, just when you think that things cannot get worse, they do.
It is the usual complicated playground here. It is like a person I know who lives in Australia, who says that she is a very responsible person...when something goes wrong, she is responsible. So, O.K., I get that, I accept it and I just move on. Except for today.
I had my driver's license renewed. I was all prepared. Like, totally.
I had my ophthalmologist complete the eye exam part of the renewal when I was there earlier this month when I had that bleeder in my eye.
I had the cash to pay for the renewal.
I arrived in plenty of time, and it went quickly, which it usually does at our DMV location.
I like to go and do this on my actual birthday, which I did today. It is a small and silly ritual about the moving into a new year, even though these driver's licenses are renewed only every eight years.
Then they gave me my license.
You know, I know that I am not beautiful or pretty or even cute. I know that whatever attractiveness I have in all on the inside and I do my best to be the best person that I am capable of being, then I go the extra distance to be just that little bit more of a good and decent, loving and supportive person. But, you know, you go along and you forget what you look like. You see yourself in the mirror at least twice a day when you brush your teeth. You look there to watch yourself brush your hair. But, you do not really look at yourself. At best, you focus in on a part or section. Eyelashes, chin, eyes, brows during plucking.
And, I guess that you just become accustomed to that mug looking back at you. You get used to what you look like and never pay much attention to what you really look like. And, since I know that I am just barely O.K. in the physical looks department, I thought that I had accepted and was able to honor my appearance.
Then, I looked at my license as I was walking out of the building and I thought that I was going to go into a fugue state or some damn thing, because I was stunned at what I really look like. I have been aware of people sort of staring at me over the past several months. At first it drew my attention and then when I could not explain it, you know, like you have noodles dangling from your incisors or a trail of toilet paper stuck in your pants and flowing behind you, I just let it go. Or it is because I am so fat, but I just let that go as well. But, now I know that the staring is because I am so ugly, like seriously, truly and really bad looking.
I am glad that people get to know me and can see that I am a good person. I really am. But, I also really thought that I was sort of not so bad. I guess that I thought that being well-groomed was enough. Clearly, it is not.
And, the worst part is that I believed that I was not a vain person, but I am, I have to be, otherwise I would not feel so bad about all of this. And, any time that I get to feeling too full of myself or prideful, all I have to do is look at that picture and be immediately brought back to reality. Rats. Double, fucking rats.
And, you know what? If you are attractive and looking nice, people will tell you that, they will compliment you, but when there is nothing short of a miracle that you could do to improve your appearance no one will say a complimentary word to you and you never even notice that. I feel such a fool for ever believing that I looked O.K.