Thursday, March 17, 2011

Cold dishes

Who said this...revenge is a dish best served cold?  I have to look this up somewhere.  My table-sized Bartlett's is actually out on loan, so let me see...

Oh, who cares.

Anyway, even though I am trying to be as good a person as I can, I have revenge in my heart.  That person who claimed never to have told me a single lie after I found out that he had cheated, is sort of telling the truth in one respect.  He does not lie in ways that I will eventually be informed, but he does lie about me.  Like, a lot.  This week, after I heard him tell a lie about me I decided to keep count for a while.  You know, just in the spirit of being accurate. 

It is Thursday, and he has told people, in my presence, lies about me four times.  Four fucking times. 

Each time I just stood by and did nothing.  You know, just like I always do.  This must be a special week, because I usually only hear about the lies from his family or one of his friends.  When that happens, I do what I did this week.  I say nothing in my defense.  It just does not seem worth the hassle of saying anything.  When it happens, I feel as though I should be judged and treated on my own merits, the factors of how I am in relationship with that person and not in defense of myself.  Besides, defending one's self from that sort of thing is an exercise in heartbreak.

But, after having it happen again, just a half-hour ago, I am sitting here and feeling so badly about the whole damn thing.  When it happened, and I waited until the person was gone and asked why the lie had been told, I realized something.  I think that he wants me to respond when the person is still around.  I think that he wants me to be upset and maybe even cry or something.  I believe that he wants confirmation about how much this hurts me and that it makes him glad, like that is the payoff for him.  So, now I am even more sad.

But, just a few minutes ago I felt anger about this whole thing.  And, I was thinking that, oh, just you wait until you need me to do some dumb thing for you again.  Boy, I will show you by not doing that thing.  Yeah, I will show you.  Yeah, I am so mature.

And, the next time something is needed, and that happens several times a day it seems sometimes, I know that I will step up and not be all pissy, petty and revengeful and, well, like that.

So, what I have to do is find a way to not let any of this bother me anymore.  Right now I just hate my life a little bit.  Yeah, I know that this is my place to be upbeat and positive and hopeful.  So, maybe I am positive that I hate my life.  There is something seriously wrong with me that I do not leave him to handle his health problems and just go away somewhere where I do not have to deal with all of this.  I just totally suck at this.

No comments:

Post a Comment