Sunday, January 30, 2011

So, anyway

Everything is so not simple that I cannot make order of anything.  My ability to say no when necessary eroded somehow, not sure exactly what happened, but I had committed to too many things and was running ragged just trying to keep up.  I got rid of the worst and most stressful one, the one where I had gradually taken on the responsibilities of the other person.  Did not realize it until that person received some accolades for work that he had not done because he had shifted it over to me.  I do not think that has ever happened to me in such a dramatic way before. 

So, I quit the job.  Following that, the two of us had this long, torturous meeting where he tried to talk me into doing the job again.  He had to do it once, as in a single time, and did not like it, so I was sitting there, wondering why he seemed unable to understand exactly why I no longer wanted to do it, especially without the support he should have been supplying for the past how ever many months. 

It should be easy to see that taking advantage of people will eventually lead them to break down and just have to stop.  He went on and on about how much alike we are, and I guess that in many ways we are, as those are the aspects that draw people to such high-pressure work.  Unfortunately, he was doing that to make us seem more connected, bonded in the experience, but he missed one, essential thing, and it is that I keep my promises and meet my commitments, I never take advantage of other people, and I never leave anyone else to pick up the pieces.  And, I never take credit for the work of another person.  I guess that if four things.  And, I am feeling a bit chagrined about leaving him to do the work that I was doing, and if I may be allowed to express my inner cattiness, the work that I did for which he took credit.  I mean, I understand that his continued employment means that he provide visible proof of his success in that job, but what he did, well, that is stealing, plain and simple.   

Anyway, I caved, and said that I would think about resuming the darn thing, but even sitting there I knew that the future of this project is an exercise in frustration and heartbreak, and I will be unlikely to do it again.  It all just sucks so much.  I loved the assignments, but missed deadlines and insincere and eternally broken promises are no longer what I can accept in that job.  I get enough of that crap right here at home.  I do not need to go out looking for more.  Oh, and I quit another volunteer job, but have not yet found the guts to share that with the guy for whom I am working.  Well, I am not actually quitting the working part, I am just no longer going to be doing the managerial portion of it.

I am feeling like a totally loser quitter, like I have no staying power, no commitment to taking on a job and sticking with it.  It is just that both of these positions have evolved beyond the parameters of the original agreement, and completely without any input or agreement from me.  I mean, is that so much to ask for, too much to expect?  And, I think that both of them being male and talking credit for my work is irrelevant.  The same thing can happen with women in a position of authority and power. is always the eternal anyway...the result is that I am ill again.  In less than forty-eight hours I went from feeling great to finding myself in hospital emergency/urgent care for another bout with that whole upper-respiratory stuff I had for nearly three months last fall.  My immune system is totally fucked up and it seems that even exposure to a simple cold can result in this. 

I went to the hospital Saturday morning feeling sort of icky and I already had infections in my lungs, sinuses and both ears  I went home with lots of meds and to sleep, and awoke to gasping, wheezing and coughing that made me vomit.  This morning found me with a reduced temperature of only 102F and unable to speak.  When this clears up, they want me to have tests to search for some kind of fungal or bacterial stuff that might be lurking inside somewhere.  Like where?  In my fat ass?  I can only begin to imagine what that is going to cost.  I am totally creeped out by the entire process.  The doc assured me that the beginning four days of the course of antibiotics will render me safe/non-infectious enough to go to work on Wednesday, but that I will still feel as though I want to stay home and sleep and sleep and wake up for some tea and sleep some more.

My best guess is that guilt about being such a loser quitter contributed to being ill again.  If I felt better, I am certain that I could see my way through all of this.  What I really would like to do, what I want and desire to do is to go away and start someplace fresh.  It would not have to be all that far away, just another part of the state or even a few counties away.  A new beginning, fresh opportunities or even the chance to do nothing for a while.  But, that is the coward in me speaking.  Or writing.  And, I am too cowardly to begin again someplace new.  I am stuck here, in this town and in this house and there is no strength in me, no will, no gumption to do anything else except stay here and continue to be a disappointment to everyone around me.