Is there such a thing?
Still trying to eat well, but, gosh, it is so difficult. It is not like there is any real junk food or fun food in the house, but that is all that I want, desire, crave, crave, crave. As a result, I am overeating what is here. Not by much, but more than you need to eat is simply more than you should be eating, big-picture-wise.
Maybe if I keep a record it will help me to take responsibility for being such a, well, something, but not what I was going to write because I am also trying to stop calling myself names, you know, like the really disgusting ones I usually use. So, no name-calling, just the facts.
Let me see.
A four-inch square of leftover chicken and rice casserole.
6 individual pieces of the sugar-free chocolates that R gave me for Easter. That was lunch.
A whole bunch of those smiley-faced frozen potato things. Half is in the refrigerator, but I left them out for a while to cool, forgot about them, and might just toss them in the interest of not getting sick from them.
Lots of water. Then more water and then some more. Lots.
An apple, Ambrosia I think, that I will have before I go to bed.
I am hungry and am not sure that the apple is such a good idea because I still have that tummy trouble, the one where the remains of what you eat leaves your body sooner than is comfortable.
I tried to go, finally, and join Weight Watchers last Tuesday. It took me a couple of weeks to fool around and shake the numbers so that I could squeeze the fees into my budget.
So, anyway, I check the schedule, pick a time when they are having a meeting and haul myself over there. The introductory offer that waived the enrollment fee was over and the weekly prices have gone up. Not by much, but it was more than the cash I had with me, which was really all the cash I had. Have, until this month's social security check arrives in my bank account. There is nothing to do besides cancel or scale back my summer travel plans so that I can do this. Getting healthier is more important than escaping from here for a while.
It/they are the least expensive weight loss thing around here and I really need something to help me with this. I read a whole bunch of diet, weight loss, healthy eating books over the past month, and they all have something decent to share, but I have tried to do this by myself for the past several years and it is just not working. So, the whole group thing is still to be tried.
Tomorrow will find me at the bank, opening a checking account so that I can take advantage of the lower weekly price for the WW meetings. I am slightly miffed that they make you go through all of this nonsense just to get the lowest fees, although I really do understand that they do want to discourage their members from bringing cash that they then have to handle and eventually bank. I will get over that, especially if their program helps me. Although, if that perky Janet is there tomorrow, I will restrain myself from giving her a gentle shake, but with all of the tummy troubles I cannot promise not to barf. Really, she could get on your last nerve. I think that I should begin practicing a nice, relatively sincere smile right now. They say that if you smile, even when you do not feel like smiling, that using those particular muscles can induce a feeling that approximates being happy. Or happier. I believe that, but I am not happy about it.
Maybe I would not be so cranky if I felt better. I have not been able to shake this upper respiratory thing that I caught in January. Seriously, five months is long enough. I am guessing that each of those rounds of antibiotics has not been supportive of settling my stomach. Who knows. At least the infection seems to be under control. I feel slightly worse from being around the smokers on Friday. I am still coughing and my voice is raspy. I slept most of yesterday, all of last night and will be going off to read a bit before sleeping some more.
I just need enough time to rest and be well, or at least feel better. I swear, between the head and chest and throat stuff, the vision crap and my lack of energy, it would be so nice to run away somewhere for a week. Yeah, at least a week, with no responsibilities or opportunities to disappoint anyone. I mean, strangers do not give a crap about how you perform as a person and if, for some reason, they felt some distress at how miserable a human being you are, well, you cannot get all invested in that because they are strangers and you will be leaving them behind soon enough.
Work, however, is going better than ever and I am so grateful for having that part of my life. It is nice, even though it is in contrast to how lonely the rest of my life is. I am not complaining about any of that, truly. I know how fortunate I am to have the resources that I have. I see how lucky I am every day at work. I see it in the market and when I am driving, all the people who would give just about anything to have the life that I have. I am an ungrateful bitch to want more. Maybe it is because I am feverish and cranky and feeling like crap all of the time that just wears me down.
On the bright side, maybe I will be humiliated at Weight Watchers tomorrow and that will put all the rest of my life back into perspective. Yeah, that's the ticket! Something to look forward to.