Monday, May 30, 2011

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 23

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  Corn, butter
Dinner:  Smoked pork chop, iceberg and celery salad, dressing, green beans, butter

Man, all the damn butter.  Too bad, I love it, try to use it responsibly and refuse to give it up.  So, there!

I learned something today.  Well, I actually learned several things today, but the first one is that if your lunch is four ears of corn over a period of slightly more than three hours, that is still too much corn.  At least I do not have to take any fiber tablets today, or even tomorrow, I am guessing.  I wish there were smileys or emoticons here, because I am still cracking up over how this all happened.

You know, I intended to have an ear for lunch, but it led to a second one 40 minutes later and then sort of went downhill after that.  I tried to resist, but all that I did was to stretch it out until the accumulated carbs made me drowsy.  I slept for nearly three hours and finally had dinner late.  It was like a carbohydrate avalanche, for heaven's sake.

Now, dinner is the way that I want to eat all the time.  A small portion of flesh and a lot of vegetables, filling, tasty and the good kind of carbohydrates that will keep me going and metabolizing well and not being so drowsy after.  I think that corn is measuring up to be my sweet craving.  I must resist buying it whenever it is cheap enough.  Gods help me when the harvest comes in this summer and the corn is local and ambrosiatic.

Back to feeling like crap, but I am determined to overcome this mess, especially the ear pain.  Allergies must surely be a part of it, so decongestants are always on my market list.

In addition to avoiding the lovely, golden corn, I think that I have to add romantic films to that list.  Today's torture was Tangled.  I love children's movies, but when did they become romantic?  For some reason, my longings to have someone in my life who gives a whit about me have been ignited somehow.  I am lonely in a more personal, intimate way that I have been for decades and decades.  I remember the early years of our marriage and how it was fine.  I felt loved and cherished.  That it was all in my head is irrelevant, and that he only cared about what I could do for him means nothing because it was my belief that there was true love, caring and affection coming in my direction.  Sometimes that kind of self-deception is just fine and it works for as long as it work, often a very, very long time.

Eventually I smartened up.  I did not like being wiser about any of this, but another eventuality is that I became accustomed to it, refused to think about anything other than just making it through whatever happened, and transferred my energies to our daughter, other people and lots and lots of work.  That has been functioning well.  Well, until recently. 

It is probably a year now that the status quo ante here is not working quite so well.  And, that film tonight, well, an adult woman, ancient really, should not be gently weeping, or feeling sympathetically parallel to the loss and yearning of an animated character.  She simply should not.  But, I am, and it totally sucks.  I am going to die without anyone loving me, not even in the way love manifests in a freaking Disney film.  I get it, you know?  I know that the chances of an ugly, useless person like me just does not have any chance in the realm of adult relationships.  I should be happy and satisfied that I have an amazing life, full of family and friends and truly kick-ass and meaningful work.  I am.  I am happy and satisfied and clearly grateful for every damn thing that I have.  I understand how seriously ungrateful I am to want more, when there are so many people who would give just about anything to have the wonderful life that I have.  I wish that I were not so greedy.

The coincidence of the GP is just, plain sad:

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