Breakfast: Eggs, maybe a quarter cup of hash browns, a pancake with margarine and syrup, tons of coffee
Lunch: Restaurant meal, turkey breast, mashed potatoes, gravy, a tiny bit of cranberry sauce, some really excellent steamed, fresh broccoli, half a small roll, 2 glasses of diet cola, half a piece of french silk pie
Dinner: Shame and a carton of Häagen-Dazs
I had breakfast with the friends this morning, followed by an extra (and long) session with a client who cannot come during the week, as she does not want her current employer to know that she is pumping up her résumé for a possible new job. She is not sure she want to make the switch at this time, but has to make a decision by a deadline this week. She is under the impression that I did great things for her, but the truth is that the most important work that I do with clients is to help them open that part or parts of themselves where the work can be done. I am just the facilitator, just another tool.
Well, so far so good, yes? Yes. Then I picked up the woman that I take to lunch and her appointments and errands. It was so frustrating that I told her that today's lunch was our last. Today was the final scene that did me in. So, no more of her making a huge fuss about money and how much I tip and all the rest. The fussing she does with sales clerks is also to much of a strain. I know that it is selfish of me, I do, I am selfish, but being embarrassed by her tirades against me and others when we are out and about is just too, well, embarrassing. Humiliating to be on the receiving end of that all the time. It is over. From now on she gets three hours, door to door, no more meals, only errands and doctor appointments. I doubt that she is taking this seriously. And, you know, it is not my problem that she cannot get along well enough with her family to be able to live close to them. I am willing to be her friend, but not her servant.
So, anyway, by the time the nearly seven hours today was over, I was exhausted and firmly ashamed of myself for not being able to be more patient. I kept thinking today that I would want someone to be more patient and supportive of me when I am unable to get myself around comfortably, at least more so than I am able to be for her lately. Seriously, Universe, please help me to be a better person.
Then, I had to stop at the market because there is not much food around here and I was totally dreading it, knowing how likely it was that I would buy all kinds of inappropriate stuff. I mostly did fine, with lots of supportive self-talk and reminding myself that I will be traveling a bit over the next three weeks and that everything is going to be fine and 'no' I do not need that cake or those chewy rolls or that frozen pizza or even the chocolate covered strawberries in the produce department. Really, baby, those strawberries need to stay right there, really they do. It's O.K., put them back, you will be fine. Really. You will.
So, I went and got some meat and green peppers, cottage cheese, a few boxes of those low-calorie frozen meal things, eyeliner, cat food, more cat food and on the way to the checkout, I grabbed two cartons of ice cream. Granted, they are the little 14 ounce-ers, but they are each a freaking 14 ounces! Lordy.
I put them back. Then turned back and took three, turned again, put two back, turned once more and took one of them and finally checked-out. The interesting part, you know, aside from the total lack of self-control part, is that the four people in front of me were buying only alcohol. Three customers buying cases of beer and the guy right in front of me with a bottle of whiskey. I had the audacity to think to myself, hey, do you need any booze? I stayed in line, but just barely.
Dinner was a half-hour ago and it was one of the cartons of ice cream. I am wallowing in shame, spiralling in waves of shame and then I realize that it is only just a carton of ice cream. It is dairy and it had lots of fruit in it, and for the moment I am in denial about the sugar, although the eggs could redeem this a bit. It really could have been worse. I could have chowed down on so many other things and whilst there is still another ice cream in the freezer, I think that my melty fail just now is not the end of the world, much less the end of me.
I will have my meat, salad and vegetables tomorrow for dinner. I will choose healthy options when my daughter and I are out for lunch tomorrow. I will have fun at church and with the babies and this is just a minor setback.
And, I will stay out of the market because I saw that those chips in the can, the salt and vinegar ones, are on sale and, well, I will just stay out of the market.
GP. Simple, although I think a few more hearts might be in order.