Saturday, June 4, 2011

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 28

Breakfast:  Eggs, bacon
Lunch:  Roast beef, green beans, fudge frozen thing, 2 squares of a Lindt bar
Dinner:  Roast beef, brussels sprouts

Back on track, I guess.  Last night's bout with frantic and emotional eating in response to sad stuff was significant enough to cause me to be bloated today and I cannot tell if my face is fatter or just filled with guilt-fluids or something.  Tomorrow is lunch out with one of my ss women.  She is my most challenging one, so the chances are excellent that I will have another self-control fail in the realm of food consumption.

I am not handling stress well this week.  I cannot find what factor or aspect is different, but something is not the same. I have lost my equilibrium.  I think that sadness, loss and disappointment might be the source, but that really bothers me because I want to, need to, am desperate to get rid of all of that crap.  You know, my self-esteem or feelings of worth just have to stop being influenced by the crappy stuff that happens, because that stuff is always going to happen and I just cannot use it to defeat myself. 

Oh, man, I would love, like really and truly love to put the responsibility for all of this on someone else.  You know, like the crap distributors.  But, if were not me as the honored recipient, it would be someone else and to take it personally is just pointless.  Except that when someone says that you should not take it personally that is just more crap, because it is all personal.  I just wish that when someone gives you their word, that it actually meant something, that you could hold and trust that they mean what they say, what they promise, what they assure and insist is the truth and that you can trust them.

The truth is that trusting anyone is an exercise in heartbreak and disappointment, but mostly heartbreak.  I never break my work,  never promise or assure something and then go back on it.  Really, if we do not have our word, the sanctity and honor of holding and keeping what we say, then we do not have anything.  Still, to be upset, to be hurt by this is childish and immature in every way.  I wonder if anyone can be trusted, really.

Oh, well, my task for the next week is to grow up.

I finished buying the last few items for my end of season gift for my mentee today, on the way home from coffee with my friends.  I know that she is going to like the art supplies that I have pulled together for her, but she will not be nearly as thrilled as I am to share them with her.  Art and crafts has been the way to connect with her.  We have already talked about what we will do together when school begins in the fall.  We will do art every fourth session/visit and will play games or something the rest of the time.  She is going to think about what those other activities will be, during her summer break. 

Her mother's birthday is coming up soon and we will be making her a card this week.  She decorated a picture frame for her this week, and the card will complete the gift.  I have all kinds of stickers, markers, ribbons and embellishments from which she can choose.  It is going to be fun and I will miss seeing her during the next few months.  Although, it will be nice to have an extra day free for noodling around or sleeping late or just wasting any way I like.

Back to the sad stuff, but I am so disappointed in how circular my life is.  I manage to take a tiny step forward in my life and then slide back several paces.  There is some thing that I need to learn before I can even hope to have decent progress in my life. 

Why I am so dense that I cannot see any part of what that might be? 

Is it right here, close to me, at my side, breathing on me and I am not seeing it?  What is it?  Do I need more silence and a quiet heart to recognize it?  What is it; what do you want from me?

Oh, and yesterday was day 27.

GP, because I can.  It is a fields drawing, but it feels like vectors.  Hell, what do I know.  Yeah, I guess it is fields.

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