Tuesday, August 9, 2011

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 94

7 days and counting

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch:  2 frozen burritos, salsa (still yummy), sour cream
Snack:  Microwave popcorn
Dinner:  Smoked pork chop, braised cabbage, beets
Snack:  Chocolate, 9/10 of a serving because I ate one of the little squares last night

So, almost done with this hundred days.  I am off in a few days to help with a workshop and am tacking an extra day on each end to be gone from here as long as possible.  So, from Thursday, no whining  moaning  groaning  griping writing for three days at least.  This ends on Monday, but I think I might re-purpose it into something that continues, especially since it does not appear that my personal life will improve anytime soon, not to mention how far I still am from being as healthier in mind and soul as I would like. 

And, that is just plain horrible.  All I do is whine, weep and wait...for the next thing to happen.  You know, I am the perfect example, the poster child if you will, for the proof that we really never know what another person's personal crap is.  No matter how someone seems on the outside, to the outside world, you just never, ever really know.  I am out doing all of my work and having friends and family stuff, volunteering and no one has a clue about what happens when I come home, walk through that door.  Sometimes, when it is all wonky, even I have trouble believing all of it. 

I live in a crazy house, and since I stay here I guess that makes me the head crazy person.  So, I just keep telling myself that all of this will pass and that there will be, if not a happy ending, then at least a decent one.  Because the reason I stay is because I want to be a decent person, someone who sticks around when the going gets tough and then even when it gets truly fucked up. 

I do not bail or run away, no matter how appealing that is.  I took my vows seriously and I am in this for the long haul.  I am not a quitter.  I would like to be, but I just am not. 

What I am, though, is really tired.  I weary of all of this stuff, the over and over and over again of it all. It simply never ends and even so, I am not broken, at least not completely, just kind of scuffed up.  Each new thing helps me to grow a little stronger.  There are days when I think that my heart cannot take another blow, but it does and I go on, maybe only marginally more capable of taking more, but each little bit helps.  I guess.

So, tomorrow my long day at work and then I leave the next morning for four full days of not being here.  The car is not being fixed, ever, or so I am told, so I will be very careful driving tomorrow and will have a rental car for the weekend.  I have two more trips booked and fully paid, but no more after that.  One is next week and the other is in October.  I am spending the rest of my savings on getting the van (which I do not own, only allowed to use) fixed or looking for something I can afford to buy.  I think that I will be riding my bike for a while until I figure how to fix this mess.  I might have to come out of retirement and find a paid job, but that would be fine.  It would keep me out of here more often.  That could work.  Just when I thought that I could settle into less activity, along comes life.  Yeah, life.  Gotta love it, much more so than the alternative.  Now, how's that for a positive attitude!!!

Having this quasi-Diary place is a great thing.  I get to come here, spew out everything, work out and noodle around with possibilities, and end up feeling better for having divested all of it.  Nice.  Now, if the Universe would just help me out with the money stuff.  Puhhhhhleeeeeeeeeez.  (Dear Diary, please insert huge, albeit tired, smile here.)

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