100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 62

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  Japanese restaurant, where I was a good and healthy eater, without any icky stuff...health-wise, that is
Dinner:  2 smoked port chops

This might not work because my computer is being all wonky.  It has for the past two days and I am so hoping that it is my connection or something and not the machine.  Fixing this, my sweet baby, is possible, but it will severely cut into my traveling money.  Oh, no!!!

I just ran a full scan and nothing came up, except for a few dozen tracking cookies.  I am hoping that it is all of the research I have been doing here for work.  Lordy.  It might also mean that I cannot upload a GP today.  Frankly, I am still fighting that exhaustion from a few days ago and cannot dredge up the energy to really care.

So, anyway, I had to go out and get stuff for the weekend with the babies and decided to have lunch at my favorite place.  I heard, whilst dining there, that there might be a Chinese buffet place opening up in the near vicinity.  If that happens, and it is a nice place, I am going to have another temptation with which to struggle.  I will worry about that if and when it happens.  It is just that it is wonderful to go there, eat only what I want and have absolutely no waste.  Today was garbage day and I had to toss out too many things again.  There was all that lovely lettuce and greens that the refrigerator froze, which is guess is not exactly my fault, but our crappy appliance.  But, there were berries, a whole bunch of fresh ginger and the turkey that I had frozen a few months ago, taken out to cook yesterday and then forgot about it in the microwave until this morning when I had to heat up the cats' breakfast.  What a freaking waste, and it is usually worse than that.  So, dining out at a cheap place actually saves me money, and, I mean, how messed up is that?

Next was the actual errands, the market, where I bought food for me and for all of the special meals that I want to make for the babies and their parents this weekend.  I have offered take the babies tomorrow and send mommy and daddy out to play and then stay overnight so that they can either stay overnight somewhere else, or sleep in on Sunday whilst I wrangle the babies. 

So, I bought some of their favorite stuff and got home and there is not any of those cooler boxes anywhere.  The largest one I found was the one in which I take my lunch to work.  Clearly, the berries, tomatoes and other vegetables for the lunch kabobs, the thick slices of ham and roast beef, and let me not forget the frozen pizzas they love, well none of that, except for a few of the vegetables, is going to fit in my tiny cooler thing.

Where the heck are those things?  Maybe I got rid of them during the last big divestment, but I doubt it.  Wherever they are, they are in a place where I cannot find them.  That means that I have to stop at another market on the way to their house tomorrow to re-buy all of the fresh stuff, which was most of what I bought today.  Not a huge problem, because I can eat that stuff, and there is always a chance that it will actually be eaten and not tossed in a week.  I guess.  It just seems like a huge waste of money to have to buy that stuff twice.  I will get over it.  Sigh.

This is such a small problem and I am obsessing about it.  What a dork.  Besides, something came back to bite me in the ass today.  I have been keeping a relatively low profile and minding my own business ever since the whole threats from my friend's boyfriend a while back.  You know, even if someone asks for your help with something, they might have some other agenda that prevents them from being nice when you do exactly what they ask you to do, and then their boyfriend calls you and says seriously unkind stuff to you and, well, it is just a mess.  Kind of like that sentence.  Sorry, Diary.

Anyway, I offered help, support and a bit of advice to someone yesterday, prefacing it with apologies about how I hope I did not overstep anything.   I heard back from that person and it seems that I was, despite my cautionary stuff, completely misunderstood and that was shared with me with a huge helping of snark.  So, I apologized again, as sincerely and genuinely as possible, but I think that this whole mess might have irreparably damaged what, to this point, was only a tentative relationship.  Big picture wise, I guess that I took a risk, was rebuffed and no real loss for either of us, but it still bothers me that I upset that person whilst simply trying to be myself.  I think that is the most painful part of this, that being me is enough to make some go all snarkalicious on my ass.  It was a huge 'ouch' and since I rarely have to learn that kind of lesson twice, that person should be pretty darn safe from me from now on. 

It still stings a little, but I guess that is part of the learning process for me.  I just need to mind my own business.  Plain and simple.  Even if someone asks me to get involved (friend/boyfriend/crappy telephone message), I will resist and change the subject by pretending to have a stroke or an aneurysm or rabies.

So, early day tomorrow, and a busy one, too.  'Nighty-nite, Diary.  Maybe I will get lucky and have a dream about how I helped someone and did not make a huge mess of it.  Yeah, like that could happen, even in my dreams.  Lots more sighs.

Location is still broken, so here I am, all scrambled up, which is also part of the name of the GP that is slowly loading.  It is named Scrambled Hearts and, seriously, how appropriate is that!  You probably cannot see it, Diary, but in addition to the wonky heart in the middle, there are smooth places and choppy chopped-up places and part of hearts all over the place.

Well, let me give that GP a try.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 57

Breakfast:   Oh, why bother!

Today was, still is a little bit, one of my stomach anxiety days...SAD, fer short.  I just made that up.  Lordy.  They do not happen often, but they are a source of uncertainty for me.  It begins with strong dream images that carry over into the morning.

No breakfast, but not because I am not hungry.  I feel hunger, but I am afraid to eat because it will begin an avalanche of eating.

There will not be any food choices that will sate my hunger.  No matter what I eat, healthy or crappy, substantial or light, there will be no lessening of feeling hungry.

When this happens, I try to eat very little and spread out what I am eating over a long period of time.  I am never successful at appeasing my need for food and the gnawing in my stomach, the growling and all that, but I always hold the hope that if I keep at it, that it will work on one of the SADs.  There is often a significant amount of swearing on SADs.  I make no apologies.

So, Diary, this is what happened and what I ate today.

I awoke and did my best to divest myself of the dream images.  I waited a couple of hours before eating and then I ate.  And ate.  It seemed like I was hungry beyond comfort every hour or so.  And, so I ate something every hour or so.  I managed a couple of two-hour gaps, but it was a struggle.

2 ears of corn, with a little butter and even less salt
3-inch thick slice of a small, seedless watermelon, with a little salt
Some crackers, really nice whole grain ones that are very, very satisfying, well, at least on a normal day
About a dozen cherries  I would have eaten more, but that is all that was left from yesterday.
8 ounce lobster tail, with butter
Sugar-free ice cream bar
Sugar-free ice cream bar
6 ounce steak, rare
More of the Kruncher chips, which really bothered me, so I smashed them up and put them out at the feeding stations for the raccoons and the crows.
In addition, I have been drinking even more water than I usually do, in the vain hope that it would keep me topped off and unable to feel hunger.

At the steak, I was up to 6:00 p.m., and I have managed to not eat anything else, but it has not been easy.  I am looking at that list and I am thinking holy crap.  Even worst is that, here I am at 8:30 and I could easily eat something.  I know that I will want to eat again before I go to bed, and that is just insane, and that I will cave and have something.

And, I have messed-up my meal plans, well, not as though I do any actual meal planning, but I had a generalized plan for the groceries I bought when I was out taking care of a friend yesterday.  The lobster was to be tonight's dinner and the steak was for tomorrow.  I also bought plenty of greens for salads, but none of that would do to satisfy me today, so I left them alone, knowing that I would still eat other stuff.

This has been happening for the past year or so (maybe longer, I really cannot remember), every few months and it is driving me crazy.  It is not so horrible when I am at home, but it has happened twice when I was at work.  The first time I had to go downstairs to the employee lounge and buy a couple of packets of crap from the vending machine.  The second time I was prepared, because I kept a bag of raw almonds in my office stuff just in case it happened again.  A much healthier choice, but just as upsetting.

This is nuts.  I suspect that it might be hormonal, if only because I cannot think of anything else.  How dumb.  For a while I thought that it had something to do with particularly vivid dreams, but I remember many of my dreams, sometimes several each night, and there are plenty of times when disturbing dream images follow me through my day, but there is not the insane hunger problem on those days.  Maybe I have some kind of imbalance or some dumb thing.  I bought some probiotics, bilberry, turmeric and some mixed vitamins for diabetics yesterday and will start with those tomorrow.

It only happens occasionally, and without any warning.  And, I am spending too much time thinking and writing about this.  But, it bugs me because it is such an out of control feeling, desperate and some other stuff that I am unable to define.  Just plain nuts.  As soon as I finished the meat, I felt better, as in much better.  Now I am wondering if I finally ran out of room in my stomach or if it had something to do with the protein.  Nah, if that were so, it would have been like that with the seafood earlier.  Even so, I might try meat or eggs the next time this strikes.  I just wrote a note in my planner.  It might be time to accept that this might happen again and to track it more carefully.

Aside from manifesting my inner Cookie Monster, without the cookies, I fell sort of all right.  I still have this hope thing going and since no one bothered me today, well, it is all good, you know?  I have an inner smile to keep CM company, and here it is:

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 56

Breakfast:  Eggs, bacon, hash browns
Lunch:  Taco Taco, small burrito, two crunchy tacos, huge soda
Dinner:  Crappy, limp salad, a couple of spoons/tastes of some truly heinous clam chowder, some oyster crackers and three lemon wedges
Snack:  The better part of a pound of cherries on the way home from my crappy day, some Kruncher chips

Breakfast with my friends, great coffee, lousy and surly service.  What the hell is wrong with people?  Seriously, the world seems to be full of seriously cranky people, which is somewhat comforting because I can be very cranky and cranked-up, although I keep it to myself, well, most of the time. 

I ate out three times today and accept how messed-up that is.  The lunch one was a place where you are not allowed to give tips, and the counter guy there left his counter during a lull and went around asking everyone if their food was O.K., and if they needed anything, which is totally not the kind of sweet service one would expect in such a humble place, but there it was and the guy was so nice.  When I had ordered and paid for my food, I saw a sign for a lemonade drink that had fruit, as in actual fruit and juice, in it and asked if it had been sweetened, and when the counter guy confirmed that, I mentioned that it looked really great, but that I had to avoid sugar and his reply was, "Well, in that case, just to help you feel better, that stuff is nasty, nasty, nasty!"  He referenced it again when he wandered by to ask if we needed anything.  Such a nice touch.  It happened again later at the drug store when a young guy came up to me and asked if he could help me find anything, which he could and which he did, telling me a couple of cool stories about rock climbing in the process of being super-duper helpful. 

The world is full of nice people like that, which makes the perpetual corps of doofuses (or, is it doofi?) just that much more noticeable.  Dinner with the friend that needs hauling everywhere had the same kind of person.  Sad service and really bad soup.  And, you know, when it comes to receiving service, I am a very low maintenance diner/customer/client/ordinary person.  I never send stuff back when dining.  I am a good consumer so that I never, ever, ever have to return anything to a store.  I do not request any kind of special attention and just go with the flow as much as possible so as to avoid even the merest suggestion of any problem.  I am just as non-confrontational in public as I am in the more private parts of my life.  That makes me sound like a doormat, and I guess that I mostly am that.

Whatever.  You know, I get to where I can stand up and then it just drifts away, that feeling that I have the ability and self-responsibility to do it.  Just...drifts...away...poof...there it goes.

And, it is not helping that I was clearing out some of the junk that I never revisit from my computer files and stumbled into the writings of a friend who lost her son a few years ago.  I read and then went back in time and read from the beginning of that loss, the tragedy and pain of losing that lovely boy.  Then, I was no longer weeping for my own losses and problems, but for the absence of that sweet and wonderful boy and all of the people and places and things that we no longer have in our lives, individually and collectively, all that stuff that makes life worth the struggle, at least it did before it came up missing. 

I know that my sorrow is not unique, at least in the larger aspect of a life, mine, yours, the lives of everyone.   You know that saying about how happy families are alike in their happiness, but unhappy families are unique in their unhappiness.  Yeah, like that.  But, even though our individual pain is specific to the qualities and experiences of each of our lives, the entirety of sadness connects us because we all feel loss and sorrow and pain pretty much the same, as only human bodies and minds and hearts can...that is what connects us.

So, my friend's pain at losing her son is sort of my pain, too, because I knew and loved him in my own way, but it mirrors all of the suffering of my own life.  I feel the same qualities of pain for her loss as I do for my own. 

It is like this stupid visual disorder that I have and that other people, not many, but more than enough, have and when someone reads about what another person's symptoms are like and how it fucks up their life, someone else might say that they really do not have anything to complain about because they view their own symptoms as being less somehow, and that is total bullshit.  The difficulty each person has is equal in significance to that of another person and to compare them is pointless.  We all suffer at our own level of discomfort, pain.  And, it is, it is how we are connected.  

So, I am feeling sad about all of this stuff again, and instead of trying to get rid of it, I think that I might want to, might actually honor it a bit tonight.  I do not intend to wallow, but I am going to allow myself to feel it as fully as possible, immerse myself in the experience, re-experience it as completely as I can, acknowledge it and then let it pass through me, fall away from my physical body and into the earth, my planet, our Mother, where it can be honored and transformed into something good, something wonderful, something life-affirming.  I can do that.

I did not draw this GP, but I did pay for it in a collection of clip art and it (and the slight alteration I made to it) perfectly suits my general lack of understanding and intelligence today.  Yep.  It does.  But, I can transcend it, yes? 

Yes.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Days 52 - 53 - 54

I cannot remember what I have been eating for the past three days.

I know that there were, for breakfasts:
some hard-boiled eggs
some instant oatmeal
a tiny poppy seed muffin
lots of coffee
2 bananas
orange juice
more boiled eggs

What the heck did I have for lunches?

Oh:
a six-inch roast beef flatbread thing from Subway at a tollway rest stop, and a couple of apples and another hard-boiled egg for lunch yesterday.

Then, today, it was Perkins, the senior turkey dinner, with fresh broccoli, mashed potatoes and a roll, but the food was cold and I did not eat the dressing or the roll, but did manage to choke down most of the rest.

Dinners were better.  Two fabulous Amish meals, one hosted at a working farm and the other at a nice, family style restaurant last night.

There were plenty of temptations along the way, but I totally resisted most of them, and only partially caved on two others.  One was an amazing donut with the best pastry cream ever, and a piece of pie last night, from which I took two nice bites and a third of just the whipped topping.  It was a thin layer of the best cheesecake I have ever tasted, a layer of freshly made raspberry jam, pastry cream, the whipped topping and a drizzle of more jam.  It was delicious and the pride of eating just a couple of tastes was the most delicious part.  As we were leaving, they gave each of us a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie that was more shortbread than cookie and I left that behind.

Still, even with all of the will power, I know that my calorie intake (even though I am not counting them) must have been in the stratosphere.  Oh, well.

So, anyway, I was in Amish country for the better part of the past three days.  It was nice to be away, but I worried the entire time about the consequences...here...of actually daring to go on this little trip.  And, I am going to share, Dear Diary, that that particular problem resolved itself.  I am not saying that it will not rear it's huge head again at some future time, but, for now, it is a sleeping monster.  And, all I have to say about any of it is that sometimes, doing the right things for the right reasons and being assured that you will still have to pay some insane and unnamed price for some equally insane and unnamed violation will come to naught.  That means that nothing horrible happened when I returned home late this afternoon.  Nothing.

Unfortunately, it is not because I am a decent person, you know, that right-thing/right-reason person.  Nope, it is because someone who is not me tried to betray me and in the process totally and completely messed up on the betrayal thing and ended up messing up his own plans.  Unfortunately, that still turned out to be my fault, and whilst I am not certain exactly how that is supposed to have happened, I am fine with it.

Besides, when I found out about how messed up the other stuff got, like really and truly messed up, like huge issue messed up and financially seriously messed up, it was impossible to take any relief, much less any pleasure in what happened whist I was away.  And, even though I am very relieved about much of it, I have already tried to help remedy it.  There is no doubt in my mind that being supportive and helpful will still come back to bite me, it is what I am going to do.

And, I am going to schedule and pay for more of these little trips.  It was fun going someplace very different and meeting lots of cool people, well, except for the woman who kept trying to push me out of the way all the time.  I had such a wonderful time, that when everyone else went on a whole bunch of shuttle trips and did all kinds of fun shopping and stuff, I stayed at the hotel, had a couple of apples for lunch, read a huge portion of one of the books I took along and fell asleep whilst reading.  Right there on my bed.  Freaking glorious.

When the tour director person (or whatever her job title is) walked around on the coach asking each person what their favorite part of the trip was, my answer was the nap.  No one to bother me, interrupt me or do anything to me.  It was an absolutely heavenly experience and I hope to have at least two more this year...trips and naps!

It will be interesting to see what happens around here over the next few days.  Tomorrow will find me booking two more trips, both longer than this one (3 days), and the consequence chips may fall where they like.  Not worrying my pretty, little head about any of it.

Now I just have to figure out what there is around here for dinner tonight.  Maybe some soup or something.

GP?  Neigh...errrr...yep!

A couple of final thoughts.  One is that, in the interest and service of honestly, I have to admit that I have caught myself smiling a couple of times whilst typing this.  Yeah, I am glad to have avoided the whole promised/threatened consequence thing, but I am a little amused that things turned out the way they have.  I sincerely do not wish anything bad on anyone, not even someone who is not me (SWINM). Really.  That said, I am smiling about some aspects of the stuff that got messed up.  

I know that makes me a bad person, but I seem unable to stop those muscles from making that face, the smiling one.

The other thought is that maybe something changed.  Maybe it is me.  Maybe not, but something did.  It will be interesting to see how this manifests, and if it will help me stay on course here and actually be healthier at the end of this project.  

I feel hopeful. 

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 48

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  2 hot dogs, relish, jalapenos, yellow mustard
Dinner:  Baked cod, baked potato (sour cream, butter, tons of pepper), cole slaw

Planning ahead for dinner, there would be no serious food during the day.  So, I had funny food, a pair of hot dogs from the gas station, one of my favorite guilty pleasures of all time.  In decades of having them, I have only gotten sick one time and that was earlier this year.  I have to admit that it put me on alert, but it never made me think of never having them again.  It is only every few months that I do so. 

My son-in-law's sister loves them, as well, and it was one of the ways that we bonded, because she did not really like me all that much.  She did not have much of a chance, though, because I am relentless and will wear you down until you simply cannot resist me.  It would be nice if some people just liked me for who I am, but if I have to persist, then that is what I am willing to do.  In my sixty-four years, there are only a handful of people who have not succumbed to my will, one of which you can guess, Dear Diary.  Yep.  No amount of anything has helped there.

So, anyway, dinner was to celebrate the birthday of a friend who I met on pilgrimage to England and Wales a long time ago.  She moved to the D.C. area to be closer to family a few years ago and when she comes back it is always worthy of celebration, but this time it coincided with her birthday so that is what we did.

The restaurant is kind of a bar/tavern that grew.  Years ago it was a nice place to go for lunch and have a nice burger or reuben sandwich and excellent fries.  Well, tonight, it looked the same from the front, but once inside, it was like stepping into an alternate universe.  I mean, the place was huge.  And, it was packed.  And, it was expensive.  Holey-moley.  It ended well, but tomorrow's trip to the fruit festival will find me with less cash.  Probably just as well, since the food there is supposed to be amazing.  Like, truly.

All in all, not a bad day, food wise.

However, I did learn a few things.

I learned that I could have an outstanding week, bi-polar issues aside, and I think that it was because I stood up for myself.  Twice.  Once last week when the most recent attack took place, and again this morning when an attempt to do it again happened.  I will never win even a moment's peace here, but, crap, I stood up for myself and the world did not end.  I know that retaliation is coming.  Not only because it always does, but because I overheard part of a telephone conversation.  At least I know part of what is coming.  Forewarned is forearmed, and all that jazz.  Anyway, I have to practice this standing up and make it a part of more of what happens around here.  After this thing this morning, I just sat there, here actually at my desk, and threw myself on the mercy of the Universe.  Oh, please, allow something or some way to manifest so that I can move on.

Which brings me to the second thing I learned today, and it is that it is fine to hold on to my dreams.  Wishes, hopes, dreams, they are all worth having, even when they are impossible, even when you probably do not deserve to have them come to pass.  Yeah, even then.  Sometimes they are all that keep me going, that yearning for a better life where there would not be all of this mess and stress.  The truth is that I could pack my crap and leave any time I wanted.  O.K. that is true, but it is not the whole truth.  Diary, you know what binds me here and when that is resolved, well, we will see what happens.

I learned that if your friend, the nun, tells you a story about one of the people she serves in her community and makes a stupid comment about how not bright one of the men is because he is a member of a minority, that I can ask her what that means and just let her talk until she realizes that her assessment of him is more related to inadequate educational opportunities than lack of intelligence.  However, there was nothing I could do to dissuade her from the whole race thing.  I mean, if you cannot count on a nun to be fair and balanced, then who can you count on? 

I learned that even when a friend is generally despicable, I can still find a way to be a friend.  It was not easy, but I did it. I think that feeling so good helped, but this has been a concern for me for a long time and it was nice to take the high road and try to get over some of the other stuff.

I learned that even when I feel like stabbing myself with a fork, that I can get through a dinner with her and still be friendly and conversational, even when the other her bails and moves to the end of the table to avoid her, the first one.  Hours later, still making me smile.  However, she...the first her...is not going to be a part of any of my future travel plans.  I go away to get away, not to take any of the stuff with me.

The birthday girl invited me to visit her and when two other of our friends overheard (not the her), they invited themselves along and the birthday girl was delighted.  I said that I would meet them all out there, D.C., since they prefer to fly and they decided that they would love to take the train, as well.  Sigh.  I am not all that worried, since I have months to make other arrangements to go alone and not hurt the feelings of anyone, all women that I love.  It will work out.  Yep.  Oh, and the learning here is that I now realize that I am not willing to spend my away time with anyone.  I mean, how selfish is that.  Really selfish.  I have some serious work to do here.

Alrighty, another heart.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 44

Breakfast:  Lean Cuisine dinner, pecan chicken something, I think
Lunch:  3 natural hot dogs, mustard, canned beets
Dinner:  Cashews, 2 crackers with peanut butter on them

I spent today using as few calories as possible.  Both of my legs hurt from all of the walking this weekend.  Swollen and sore, joints and muscles.  So, it seemed to be a good idea to not eat very much.  I am not counting calories, but I have done so for most of my adult life, and I estimate that there were somewhere around 900 of them in today's foods.  That seems close enough.  I could check, but then I would have to use some of those calories to haul myself out of this chair and go look.  Rats.  I just checked and it was 1150 calories.  Too many to even think about having lost any tonnage.  Even though that, the weight, is not supposed to be my focus, it is disheartening to find that today was most likely, at best (a hopeful best), a draw in the in and out department.  F.  (I am trying to not curse.)

Tomorrow is not going to help any.  It is a day of volunteering for the big city near me.  It is part of their summer employment training program for young people.  We did all of the interviewing weeks ago and their training began today with a week's worth of orientation.  I have not any idea what they did today, but tomorrow is like a job fair, if you know what is.  Each of the tables/stations will not be hosted by potential employers, but with information and help related to finances, how to choose a job category (like that is even possible these days, but bless their hearts for building the concept into the program), and all of the expenses that are part of living.  Housing, health care/insurance, vehicles, clothing, household expenses, families, pets, the whole works.  They will have to set up an actual savings and checking accounts with representatives of a local credit union (like a bank), do the paperwork for a 401k account and a lot more.  It should be interesting, especially since they did not notify the volunteers that they were chosen to participate (that would be me and other hapless souls), and aside from arriving a half hour before the participants, there does not seem to be any training that I can tell. 

They are going to give us a light breakfast, whatever the hell that means.  My guess is that it will be coffee and donuts.  My guess is that I will try to get up extra early and make some eggs, or that I will dilly-dally and have to drive-through for some more of those yummy breakfast sandwiches and a big, steaming cup of fairly decent coffee.  Honestly, tomorrow is laundry day, so it is more important to get a load running before I leave home.  There is a lunch offering, but I am guessing that it is more of the same sub sandwiches, chips, cookies, canned soft drinks and other snack things.  So, I will probably be skipping that as well and getting one of those great salads from Wendy's.  I hate to miss that part, though, because sitting around with the other volunteers is a great resource opportunity for me.  Those people are all professionals and I have much to learn from them that could help me with my clients. 

It really is a surreal experience.  There they all are, HR people, executives, radio personalities, and then there is me.  The same thing used to happen to me when I was part of the RIF (Reading is Fundamental) program in the elementary schools in another big city near me.  Doctors, lawyers, police officers, bank officials, veterinarians, businessmen of all kinds.  Then, me.  I am hoping it means that they keep asking me to do these things because they believe that I have something to offer, but it is very humbling to be in the company of such important people.

I should have enough time to come home, toss in more laundry, maybe heat up another of those frozen diet meals and get going to pick up one of my women, who has a doctor's appointment in the afternoon.  Then home again, to shower, wash hair and do one last load of linens, since I am nearly out of clean towels.

On a more personal note, something sad happened today.  The woman who owns the gallery has been expecting some important mail and was not certain if it would come to her place here or the one in another state, which is where she is now.  Something did come last week, and I called her to let her know that it was there and had to leave a message on her voice mail. 

I hate voice mail.  You never know if someone is going to check or if it actually will be there when they do check or some damn thing.  I do not have it, so I always figure that no news is good news, which in my life is pretty much the case.  But, she does have it and she was concerned and I called and left a message.  She did not call back, even though I left my phone on until after midnight.  She knew that I was out of town, but did not call in to ask for more information, which, frankly, I would not have had because I did not open the mail.

This afternoon I heard my phone beeping and when I checked, there were two messages.  Apparently, my friend was not able to reach anyone who could check on the darn mail (there are four of us) and was frantic worrying about what it was.  So, being the good boyfriend that he is, her boyfriend (I digress, but I love that us older babes can still have boyfriends and actually call them that.) called my cell phone and left a stunning message about how upset she was and then made a couple of mild threats.  Yeah, stunning.  I was guessing that the second message was also from him, adding the few things he might have missed saying in the first message, but it was from my friend, who assured me that I had done the right thing and not to worry.  This was later followed by another call from her, where she raged about all kinds of things and the bottom line is that I was the recipient of a whole bunch of frustration about a whole bunch of things. 

I think I have to be finished there, at the gallery.  I am not looking forward to seeing her boyfriend again, although I will miss seeing her.  I have Thursday off and think that I might take the morning to gather my work and leave my keys there.  She is in another state and I am the only person who keeps the gallery open during the week, so I will not risk running into anyone.  This is all too complicated and today was kind of scary.  No, it was a lot scary and I have enough to deal with in my own life, without taking on the pathology of another relationship. 

I am really going to miss going there.  I like welcoming people and talking about the art there and just art in general.  I like having my stuff there and having people like it and sometimes buy some of it.  Yeah, that extra money is nice.  It paid for most of my traveling.  I will miss the other artists and the, gosh, so wonderful discussions we have, and the musicians that drop by to play and I will even miss the street people who stop in to chat a while.  I am going to miss all of it so much.  Even on slow days, there is hardly a more lovely place to sit and knit or read or just sit.  I can still do art stuff, and I still exhibit other places, but this place, this gallery, was special.  It still is special, it is just that I will no longer be a part of it.

Well, you cannot have everything, but it was a little piece of heaven in contrast to much of the rest of my life.  Everything comes to an end of some sort and I have to allow myself to experience this break and be patient for the next thing that might come along.  You know, if I were still busy with the gallery, I might miss that next thing or things.  So, in the end, big picture and all, it is a good thing.  Sad, but ultimately good.  I hope.

So, aside from the food issue, not a bad day.  Well, I guess it sort of was, but I am not going to dwell on it.

What's left?  Ah, GP.  I have a bunch of hearts in the guilty pleasure realm and after the happenings of the past couple of weeks, I need all the hearts I can get, so that is what it will be for the next week or so.  Hearts.  Some of them are on the dark side, but I guess that is appropriate, as well.

What the hell happened to being all light and happy about this?  You know, my intent was to stop complaining all the damn time, but I seem to be stuck on the pain and not able to concentrate on the gain, gaining of better health and a more healthy attitude and outlook.  That is/was my goal, if I actually had goals, I mean.  I kind of suck, yes?  Yes, I do.  I am sorry, I do not mean to be so sucky.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 43

Breakfast:  Eggs, bacon, hash browns (icky, ate them anyway), raisin bread toast, coffee (lots)
Lunch:  Culver's bacon burger, sweet potato fries, diet cola, root beer float
Dinner:  Nothing - amended to add blueberry yogurt

Back home.  Had a good breakfast, except for the toast and hash browns.  My intentions were good, but not good enough.  Lunch was on the trip home and, frankly, there really is not any reasonable menu choice for seriously healthy eating.  There was one salad choice that I could see, and it was some berry thing.  They may have others, but I could not find any on the menu board whilst I was waiting in line, and since the lines were full of our coach members as well as the hapless locals that decided to eat when we were there, I was reluctant to engage in conversation with the counter staff about making modification to what I did see.  In my defense, I did not choose the grilled reuben sandwich, something I wanted very much since we were rushed at lunch on the trip up yesterday and I was able to eat only some of the inside of the reuben I ordered then.  I think I forgot to mention that.  Sad, really, because it was made with homemade marble rye bread.  I will bet it was delicious.

I did fall victim to the fries, but they were of a kinder, gentler potato.  I have absolutely no defense for the float, except that it was the smallest size.  Truth be told, I did not much enjoy the burger.  It had too much processed cheese and mayonnaise on it.  I scraped as much off as I could and then did not eat the last quarter of the thing anyway.  The float disappointed, as well.  Huh.

The tour director passed out more candy, chips and peanuts on the way home and I asked her if her final offering was going to be insulin.  She thought it only mildly amusing and I am guessing that was only because a fellow traveler laughed and she was trying to be a good sport to my smart-ass-ed-ness. 

I ate the little bag of chips, but not the rest.  Still, no dinner for me.  Rats, I still have to take my meds and they need to be taken with food, so it will have to be the little yogurt with blueberries. You know, if I do not start taking this healthy thing seriously, I am going to end up worse off than when I began over a month ago.  Hell, I am nearly halfway through the process and the only weight I have lost is where I did not want to lose any.    Sure, I do have one less chin and less flab in a couple of places.  Big deal.  Small victories, nearly insignificant in the larger war.  I seem to lack the will to do this getting healthier thing.  I sense sabotage from within.  A decidedly bigger deal.

As for feeling, well, I felt well during the weekend.  No stress, no thinking about stuff.  The new pain med worked great and my hips and knees did not bother me a bit until it was close to time for the next dose.  I could take another one now, but I am going to try to fall asleep without it, thinking that being back in my own, comfy bed will be enough to help me fall right to sleep.

I am feeling kind of cranky because it is steaming in here.  I will manage.  Two days away from everything should be two more notches on my Belt Of Courage.  I need to be more brave and every little bit helps.  I worried that these little trips were an attempt to escape from the here, but I think, I believe that they are steps towards being more self-sufficient and less dominated and afraid. 

On the way home, it was raining and I spent a lot of time looking out of the window at all the lovely countryside.  And, I kept thinking, oh, I could live there...and there...and that place...even there in the little town that flashed by.  I want so much to be somewhere, anywhere else.  Cannot do it.  The whole running away from things thing.  I have to find a way to live here, with everything, or I will never be able to settle somewhere else with comfort and confidence and the surety that comes from making the right decision at the right time and for the right reason.  I have the right reason, in spades, but the right time can come only when I have worked through all of this crap.  Just have to pull up my big girl panties and do it.  I need some serious therapy and have for a long time.  Wonder how to fit that in the budget, under the travel, of course, which is a sort of therapy of it's own.

I knit a wash cloth and the body and one sleeve of a really tiny sweater.  I think that it will end up being only two inches square, or not much more than that.  I am using four, 000 needles.  Very small and I have to really pay attention because whilst it is fairly easy to un-knit with larger needles and yarn, I am also using a very fine yard that is intended for making stretch socks.  My eyes finally gave out on that grey-skied, rainy ride home.

GP, which is kind of like the icing on the guilty pleasure of these little trips.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 38

Breakfast:  Eggs, bacon
Lunch: Green pepper, cottage cheese
Dinner:  Leftover beef, horseradish in mayonnaise, green tea ice cream, glass of wine

I managed to choke down breakfast, but I am not using the bacon up before it goes bad.  I cooked it anyway, but it tasted just wrong enough to get tossed.  Lunch was supposed to be light and quick so that I could dash out between loads of laundry to fetch some things I needed for work tomorrow.

That did not work out because as I was beginning to brush my teeth, Lili came strolling by and yelled for me to open my door and when I did, she jumped up on the bed and yelled at me some more, so I laid down to pet her and the next thing I knew, it was after 4:30 and I just, barely, made it to the bakery to buy cookies for my second anniversary at work.  That is my main volunteer job and it is important enough to me to mark the occasion somehow.  I should have made something, but if I cannot cook every meal, then there certainly is not any energy to make something extra.  So, I bought them from a wonderful bakery and I am happy, the recipients will be happy and we all will be thrilled that I did not attempt to make something and end up giving everyone tummy distress.  It is always a good day when no one is upset with you over food poisoning, you know?

By the time I ran my errands, I was starved, but I did not buy any groceries that could be eaten on the way home, and did not drive-through anywhere.  I came home and prepared my lunch for tomorrow and then sliced some of the beef and dunked it into the horseradish/mayo.  There was a wee bit of ice cream left in the freezer, so I made sure that it did not go to waste. smiley: tongue

Today was not enough calories, which I know even though I am not counting them.  The ice cream helped, but it is not exactly the kind of nutrition or calories that I would prefer to eat.  I should be fine over the weekend, when I am away from home, because I bought a jar of ground-peanuts-only peanut butter, and some really healthy crackers that are probably icky, but will be fine with the peanut butter.  I also have water to take along, apples and a small carton of yogurt.  If I am careful and proactive about the food we will be served, I should be fine.  If not, then it is no greater a fail than the ones I have been having lately.

I did my stuff-for-work shopping at Walmart and whilst I was looking for some cute trim to tart up my new flip flops, a woman asked me how to make maroon colored paint.  What she wanted to do was not possible, mostly because it involves a great deal of text to be painted on T-shirts for her son's graduation on Saturday.  We discussed lots of options, stamping, using fabric paints in the bottles with the thin/pointy tops, even throwing herself on the mercy of a place that does graphics and printing, and I finally asked if she had access to a computer, an ink jet printer and the Internet.

She has a friend who might be able to help her, so I suggested she talk to her friend and find out if she had the time to help her create a nice design that could be printed on those iron-on transfer sheets that you can use in your computer printer.  I am going to do a few designs and then have her come to where I work tomorrow and I will e-mail them to her friend, who can then print them and someone can iron them onto the shirts.

I checked with work, and my schedule is full of clients, but I can squeeze her in at the end of the day, before knitting club.  Frankly, I wish that I had run into her last week; there would have been plenty of time to do all of this, but I am out of town on Thursday, part of Friday and the entire weekend.

I do not know why, but I am asked for help in stores all the time.  Even in the market where I am pushing a cart and noodling around looking at things.  I must just look like an employee wherever I go.  I do not shop in many different places, so usually know where most things are and I am happy to help.  When I cannot, I do know where to direct someone.

Which reminds me of a funny encounter sometime during the holiday period last year.  I was shopping at a fabric and craft store and a woman asked me to help her find some specialized sewing notions.  Clearly, she did not see the cart, my cart between us or notice that it contained my crap as well as my really big, like humongous, purse.  Nor did she notice that I was not wearing the uniform shirt that employees wear and that I was, instead, wearing my coat and scarf.

When I told that I was sorry, that I was not familiar with the brand of the items, and that I was not an employee there, but that she could find help by going over three aisles and asking the person who runs that department, she was incensed enough to point her finger and tell me that she was a very busy person, but she was going to make sure to stop and tell the manager that he should hire better people than me.

I really wanted to follow her and observe her scolding the manager about me, but I was afraid to upset her more, so I just re-joined my shopping friend and told her about it.  She agreed, that they really should have better employees than me. smiley: laugh

I arrived home too late to do more laundry, so it will have to wait until next Tuesday, which is the only day that I can use the equipment.  Long story, sad story, although I do come out looking quite good, but that would still be another story, yes?

I watched, well, mostly listened (although that was not helpful in that the dialogue was mostly in Portuguese...I think), to a film about Vik Muniz.  Very inspiring and making me want to get back to my own found-objects work.  I demurred with that gallery owner recently, although I know that I can renew that conversation any time I like.  I was even thinking about doing a series of divestment works where I would incorporate some of the stuff that needs to go, but for which I am too attached.  Hmmmm, I wonder how you attach a loom to a canvas?  Or, maybe I could just tart up the loom and let it speak for itself.

Whatever work I decide to do, if I decide anything, it will be what it is supposed to be.  Painting, sculpting and combining are hard work, but there are those crystalline moments when it seems as though I am channeling something.  So lovely to feel that, being caught up in the energy of the work, carried along, manifesting the crap out of every internally held/captured emotion.

I sometimes think that being fucked over by that gallery guy back in February is not, might not be the whole reason why I am not working in the studio.  Maybe I am wary of releasing the bad stuff in my life because I know that even more bad stuff will happen around here to take it's place.  This sounds supremely stupid, but it feels like when I am packed full of sadness, pain and worry, fear and all the rest, that there is no more room for more of the same and that the new stuff will sort of roll off of me because there is not any place to put any more of it.  Like I said, stupid, simply does not work like that.

Today's GP is more optimistic.  It deserves a real and true name, but it is only Smile 1.  Maybe that is because I am hopeful for more.  Maybe.  You know?

And, because Lili was in here today, there is also a sketch of her.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 37

Breakfast:  Fresh corn
Lunch:  Crackers and, later, chocolate
Dinner:  Meat

So, I wonder if it is true that things fall apart so that other things can fall together.  I hope so, because that old interpersonal stuff is crumbling like the proverbial cookie.  You know, I am trying to minimize the stressors here and I am also wondering about that.  Maybe making nice and always defusing stuff is not the best way to handle that person.  I just do not know.

What I do know is that someone who is not me is trying to mess with some of my projects, most especially a couple of the travel ones.  Someone who is not me refuses to come along on any of these tiny trips, even if I pay for everything, and even though someone who is not me has more resources than any six people could ever use.  Just shakin' my noggin about all of the crap that went down today.

I am not much for praying, although I believe it to be a worthy endeavour.  Still, given the dynamics around here lately, I was totally enchanted by this poster I saw on Pinterest tonight.  And, clearly, I am incapable of leaving something worthy alone and changed the obvious parts.  Still works, though.

I pray

...for my someone-who-is-not-me to have a relationship with a higher power.
...that blessings would shower on my someone-who-is-not-me.
...for my someone-who-is-not-me to be a strong and ethical leader for our family.
...for my someone-who-is-not-me to love me deeply, but really, I would settle for even a bit less dislike.
...for my someone-who-is-not-me to have a heart for our children and their children.
...for my someone-who-is-not-me to make wise (and did I mention ethical) choices.
...for my someone-who-is-not-me to experience wonderful physical, emotional and mental health.
...for my someone-who-is-not-me to prosper at everything desired, work, play, everything.
...for my someone-who-is-not-me to manifest ethical interpersonal relationships.
...that I will always feel and express respect, grace, kindness and flat-out love for someone-who-is-not-me, always and most especially when none of that is offered to me, yeah, most especially then.

Anyway, not too badly of the whole eating thing today, although there seems to be a serious lack of vegetables lately, and, seriously, corn does not qualify as a healthy vegetable.  Really.   I guess it has to count for at least eating breakfast, though, yes?

I am planning on concentrating on the remote possibility that some new things will fall into something useful.  Not holding my breath, but still holding the hope.  I am holding and grateful to the Universe that I have my work and friends and stuff, because I am sorely tested here at home and as unsuccessful at making this work that it is possible to be.  Back on the better track tomorrow and the next day and...

GP.  One of my most favorite so far.  Softly.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 35

Breakfast:  Eggs, maybe a quarter cup of hash browns, a pancake with margarine and syrup, tons of coffee
Lunch:  Restaurant meal, turkey breast, mashed potatoes, gravy, a tiny bit of cranberry sauce, some really excellent steamed, fresh broccoli, half a small roll, 2 glasses of diet cola, half a piece of french silk pie
Dinner:  Shame and a carton of Häagen-Dazs

I had breakfast with the friends this morning, followed by an extra (and long) session with a client who cannot come during the week, as she does not want her current employer to know that she is pumping up her résumé for a possible new job.  She is not sure she want to make the switch at this time, but has to make a decision by a deadline this week.  She is under the impression that I did great things for her, but the truth is that the most important work that I do with clients is to help them open that part or parts of themselves where the work can be done.  I am just the facilitator, just another tool.

Well, so far so good, yes?  Yes.  Then I picked up the woman that I take to lunch and her appointments and errands.  It was so frustrating that I told her that today's lunch was our last.  Today was the final scene that did me in.  So, no more of her making a huge fuss about money and how much I tip and all the rest.  The fussing she does with sales clerks is also to much of a strain.  I know that it is selfish of me, I do, I am selfish, but being embarrassed by her tirades against me and others when we are out and about is just too, well, embarrassing.  Humiliating to be on the receiving end of that all the time.  It is over.  From now on she gets three hours, door to door, no more meals, only errands and doctor appointments.  I doubt that she is taking this seriously.  And, you know, it is not my problem that she cannot get along well enough with her family to be able to live close to them.  I am willing to be her friend, but not her servant.

So, anyway, by the time the nearly seven hours today was over, I was exhausted and firmly ashamed of myself for not being able to be more patient.  I kept thinking today that I would want someone to be more patient and supportive of me when I am unable to get myself around comfortably, at least more so than I am able to be for her lately.  Seriously, Universe, please help me to be a better person.

Then, I had to stop at the market because there is not much food around here and I was totally dreading it, knowing how likely it was that I would buy all kinds of inappropriate stuff.  I mostly did fine, with lots of supportive self-talk and reminding myself that I will be traveling a bit over the next three weeks and that everything is going to be fine and 'no' I do not need that cake or those chewy rolls or that frozen pizza or even the chocolate covered strawberries in the produce department.  Really, baby, those strawberries need to stay right there, really they do.  It's O.K., put them back, you will be fine.  Really.  You will.

So, I went and got some meat and green peppers, cottage cheese, a few boxes of those low-calorie frozen meal things, eyeliner, cat food, more cat food and on the way to the checkout, I grabbed two cartons of ice cream.  Granted, they are the little 14 ounce-ers, but they are each a freaking 14 ounces!  Lordy.

I put them back.  Then turned back and took three, turned again, put two back, turned once more and took one of them and finally checked-out.  The interesting part, you know, aside from the total lack of self-control part, is that the four people in front of me were buying only alcohol.  Three customers buying cases of beer and the guy right in front of me with a bottle of whiskey.  I had the audacity to think to myself, hey, do you need any booze?  I stayed in line, but just barely.

Dinner was a half-hour ago and it was one of the cartons of ice cream.  I am wallowing in shame, spiralling in waves of shame and then I realize that it is only just a carton of ice cream.  It is dairy and it had lots of fruit in it, and for the moment I am in denial about the sugar, although the eggs could redeem this a bit.  It really could have been worse.  I could have chowed down on so many other things and whilst there is still another ice cream in the freezer, I think that my melty fail just now is not the end of the world, much less the end of me.

I will have my meat, salad and vegetables tomorrow for dinner.  I will choose healthy options when my daughter and I are out for lunch tomorrow.  I will have fun at church and with the babies and this is just a minor setback.

And, I will stay out of the market because I saw that those chips in the can, the salt and vinegar ones, are on sale and, well, I will just stay out of the market.

GP.  Simple, although I think a few more hearts might be in order.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 34

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  Subway, roast beef and a bowl of soup
Dinner:  Tuna salad sandwich, a cup or so of chips, hardboiled egg, cup or so of pineapple

So, this breakfast, the not having any has to stop.  I feel hunger when I awake, but it is gone by the time I am up and moving around, feeding the cats and going you know where.

It is supposed to be the most important meal of the day, breaking the overnight fast and all that.  I just kind of forget about it.  Not good.  Gotta stop.  Make the effort.  Eat something, dammit.

Slow day at the gallery, which was nice, as I was able to finish my library book and can get a new one when I go in tomorrow for a special session with a client.  She does not want her current employer to know that she is looking for a new job, totally understandable, especially if the new position does not work out.  Normally, even this sort of a kinder-gentler sort of subterfuge would bother me and I would be wishing that she had kept that information to herself, but if she had, I would not have been able to suggest a Saturday appointment.

It means that I will have to give up my afternoon with a friend, but this seems more important, particularly since her current work and future plans are with disadvantaged persons.  That speaks to my heart and the work that I do, making this a noble effort for both of us.  Crafting what she needs will be easy, because she has qualifications upon qualifications and those are stacked atop the energy and knowledge she brings to her work.  It is very satisfying to work with someone like her.  Oh yeah, everyone needs a job and deserves to have one worthy of them, but this kind of expansion into the realms of serious public service, even though it brings a paycheck with it, is worth whatever it takes to help someone.

One of my other clients stopped in to visit.  He is of an entirely different type of person, both in the work he would like to do and how he seems to be doing his best to avoid actually getting an actual job.  He showed up with a haircut, of the stunning and wonderful kind and told me that he is serious about making his life better, so it looks like we will be working together again.  The person who cut his hair, however, did a not so great job and when he shows up next week, we will step outside and I will trim and try to fix the small mess the stylist made in the back of his head.  Yeah, we run an all-inclusive-services kind of operation there.

Those two are one of the reasons that I proposed this service to our library and have kept on doing it for two years.  I hope to do it for as long as it is needed, which, Universe willing, will not be forever.

Dear kind and loving Universe, people need jobs, so if there is anything you can do about it, I would be so appreciative.

I have finished three bath wash cloths for the babies.  Two are the half-sized and ribbed ones, and I started a fish-shaped one at knitting club on Wednesday, finished it today at the gallery and an half-way into the second one.  The babies and I will be making bathtub soap paints next week and then they can take a bath with those and their new wash cloths.  I stopped at a tiny variety kind of store on my way home from the city tonight and bought a couple of crochet hooks so that I can make nice, loopy hangers for them, and was looking around at all the lovely yarns and found some more cotton yarn.  Huge surprise, but I bought some, only two balls, in colors that I think the babies might like.

I also found, on-line, patterns for knitting letter and initials into a cloth, and will go back when I have used up the yarns I have now and am feeling more confident about this whole knitting thing and get some solid colors so that I can make some with their initials.  Might make some for mommy and daddy, too.

I used to knit.  It is sort of like the whole shooting thing, I did it long ago, then more recently and am wanting to do it now.  Again.  It is fun.  It keeps me busy when I am feeling too exhausted to do anything else.  I am making cool and useful stuff.  If I start to feel hungry, I pick up the needles and yarn and keep my hands occupied.  And, it is pretty darn cheap.  But, the best part is staying busy and doing something useful when I am unable to do anything else and can at least manage the needles and yarn.  I know that it is stupid, but it helps me to feel like less of a waste of ectoplasm, you know?

I am feeling like a waste where all my crap is concerned.  I have divested myself of so much stuff and yet I still feel burdened.  I have to keep going and become more ruthless with this.  Someone who is not me continues to take things out of the garbage and charity boxes and squirrel it away somewhere, but I am getting more clever.  I have again begun just keeping an eye on things and then packing them in a box and taking it immediately out of the house and to the charity shops when I have the time and energy to do so.  I still have nearly a couple thousand books to get rid of.  Just shameful.

I was thinking, only thinking, about hiring one of those pack-em-up-and-haul-it-out places to come in when I am away and take everything.  I have even thought it through to the part about how I could take the essentials, like some art stuff, my favorite sewing machine, some clothes, my toiletries, and a few books and stuff like that and putting it all in one room and then just letting those guy have their way with everything else.  I would still want my bed and the computer and some furniture left, and suppose I could label those big things or something.

It would be like having some kind of natural disaster coming along and taking everything away and leaving a clean slate.  That is very appealing, especially since I have so much stuff and have been doing this for a freaking year and a half.  Something has to give and I think that it is going to be me just packing shit and releasing it into the ether or something.  

I wonder if anyone else has done something like that and how it worked for her/him. 

Anyway, it is kind of exhilarating to think about and I just might do it or something similar.

Or not.  Cripes.  I am just so sick and tired of this whole stuff stuff.  I mean, am I serious about being healthier or not?

Someone told me that reading about my efforts towards a healthier life was helpful to her, that it inspired and encouraged her.  Frankly, I think that it is more likely that it makes her feel better because she is not nearly as fucked up as I am.  Yeah, I am pretty positive about that.

GP.  Bluebodies.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 33

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  Tater Tots, chocolate
Dinner:  Bag of salad, kind of large tomato, salad dressing

The Tots were eaten over several hours, a whole plate, as in an actual plate, of them.  They are just as good cold as when piping hot from the oven, or at least pretty close.  When I finished them, I had some 86% cocoa mass chocolate, and some lemonade that I made from frozen lemon juice and Splenda.

I am trying to keep a decent perspective about this eating thing, but I really should be ashamed of how badly I eat some days.  Even I know that I have to create and follow a more balanced and reasonable way of eating, you know, like a decent diet, for crying out loud. 

You know, I go to the store and I look at all the food and try to buy stuff that I will actually eat and that will not, ultimately, get tossed into the garbage because I am too tired and tired out to cook the damn stuff.  There is still too much waste going on around here.  It is not like I have a ton of money and a complete lack of conscience that would facilitate not feeling so freaking guilty about all of this.

I need to buy food.  I need to eat it.  It is as simple as that.  And, yet, it is not.  It is supremely difficult and complicated to do.  I think that is why, heck, I know that it is why I am eating out several times each week.  I know that there is not any reasonably easy to cook food at home and so I go to a restaurant and have a nice, healthy meal and it satisfies me because I know that there will not be any waste.  If I stop at the market, there is an excellent chance that I will be too exhausted to actually cook what I have just bought by the time I get home and drag myself and everything else into the house.  This totally sucks.

I tried buying just frozen stuff, like meals and parts of meals, things that are already cooked and just need heating in the microwave.  I guess that is how the Tater Tots got into the freezer.

Unfortunately, there is not all that much in the realm of frozen foods that are as healthy as anyone, especially old and diabetic me, would prefer.  More than a month ago I bought a package of pre-formed beef patties.  All you have to do is to take one of the things out of the bag and cook it in a frying pan.  You do not even have to thaw them, just grab them frozen.  Seriously, that is all you have to do.  I think that you can also broil them or bake them in the oven, but those things are more steps than I can handle most days.

I have a pound of asparagus in the refrigerator right now.  I have, probably, two more days before I will have to trash it and all I have to do to eat them is to wash, snap the end, pop into a roasting pan, sprinkle and roll them around in a bit of olive oil, sprinkle with salt and bake them for a half hour.  As simple as that is, they are still likely to be tossed.  That is how little energy I have.  I can sit here and type.  I can rest and read.  But, that is all that I can manage most days here at home.  I am busy enough on my out-of-the-house days that I need the opportunity to rest and gather my strength.  Man, even to me that sounds so pathetic and excuse-laden.

I have to fix this.  I have to figure out a way to eat properly, not waste food and to spend as little as possible.  I just have to figure this out.  Even today was supposed to be a day of catching up and that seemed like it might happen after a neighbor cancelled our lunch plans.  But, it was just another day of feeling crappy, so I did very little and tried very hard to not take a nap.  Which, I did not.  Maybe I should go back to my doctor and throw myself on her mercy and ask for happy drugs or, hell, I do not know how to properly explain how tired I am all the time, much less figure out how to ask for help.

So, there is nothing left except Guilty Pleasure.  Shell Game.  I like the colors.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 30

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  A frozen low-calorie dinner thing, chicken (I think it was chicken, hard to tell), rice, carrot shreds, peas and some lemony or lemon-like sauce
Dinner:  Two hot dogs, buns, brown mustard, jalapeno, dill pickle slices, cherries

I was surprised to not be hungry this morning, given the single glass of wine that I had for dinner.  I guess the bacchanalia that was lunch kept me going.  Granted, lunch yesterday was all pretty healthy, and not huge portions, but there was a stunning variety of smaller bits of this and that.  Still, skipping breakfast is not a good idea.   The frozen thing for lunch was a left-over from when I was buying only frozen things because I was so disgusted about wasting so much food.

Speaking of which, I bought only two smoked pork chops last week and still tossed one of them, along with some cauliflower, iceberg, and a half each of onion and zucchini.  Man.

So, now that a month has passed, I am wondering what healthy eating, as in life-long food is going to be.

I am thinking about adding a couple of foods to my regular schedule.  Well, it is not exactly a schedule, but I am trying so very hard to not use the word diet, you know?

Anyway, I am thinking about the following foods.

Hard cooked eggs - You can eat them on the run, they travel well, they are cheap and, most importantly, I like them.  It may be that I like them too much, which is why I have started to cook them several times and just stopped myself.  Since this is partly about learning new portion control stuff, I should at least give them a try.  If it turns out that I eat all six at a single sitting  (And, that could really happen), then this is probably not such a good idea.  But, I should at least try it.  It would be great for the long days at work when I have not given any advance thought to what to take for lunch.

Nuts - I like nuts, all nuts, especially those that are high in fat, like macadamia and pine.  If I stick to walnuts, almonds and peanuts, I should be fine.  They are also good travelers and keep well.  Not cheap, though.  I always take them along on trips, but never really thought about daily or occasional use here at home.


Nut butters - I have been looking for those individual portion size packs of peanut butter, but despite assurances that they are on the next truck, they never seem to be on the shelf at the two markets where I usually shop.  I have a 35 year old Salton peanut butter machine around here, somewhere.  It is a stunningly simple machine.  Just a plastic housing for an electric powered grinder.  Easy to use, easy to clean, just need to find it and buy nuts and grind them and find tiny containers in which to put the butters and then remember to make some whole grain crackers and then actually take them along with me.  Should be a snap.

Chickpeas - Now, you cannot eat the dried ones, nor can you eat them right out of the can (shudder), but you can drain the canned ones, toss them with spices like turmeric, chili powder, garlic powder, spicy paprika, salt, pepper, or any combination, spread out on a pan and roast them until they get dry and a little crispy on the outsides.  They do not keep long, about a week in the refrigerator, but they are cheap and easy to tote around. 

Looking at that list, it is all about the protein, which is good, because protein-rich foods are excellent for the whole diabetes thing.  I am digressing, but I just ordered refills on the three meds I take, and the diabetes med is the only one that did not triple in price.  One of them is now more than $150 per refill.  Yikes!

So, anyway, I still almost always have crispy apples in the house for taking along.  Sometimes a bell pepper or two.  I just planted two tomato plants last night.  A Roma and a Black Krim.  The rhubarb is doing very well, especially since it has not yet been trampled this year.  I am going to try to sneak in some bell pepper and chili plants in between the bushes at the front of the house and maybe some green beans where the magic iris grow.  Those things will help with easy to grab and eat foods, as well.  

I will have to use Google to find more to help diversify what I am eating.  I am kind of wondering if my recent fails have something to do with not enough variety.  The only problem with variety is waste.  Just trading one issue for another.

I have pretty much given up on Weight Watchers.  By the time I figured out what I was going to do, I had lost interest.  I suspect that I might still give it a try, but not likely until this project is over.  I know that I could benefit from some kind of structure and guidance.  It is just that they are so disorganized over there, no one person seems to know about all of the financial stuff and I have had to cobble the stuff together for myself.  That said, I still think that I would find something helpful within a group dynamic of some kind, but I need to find some people who are less messed up than I am.  Should be a snap.  Ack.

What else.  I think that I have a solution for the lunch-going-out-for-problems with my ss friend.  I am going to propose that we alternate choosing a place to eat each time we get together.  I never really got into the problems we encounter each time I take her somewhere, but this should be a good solution for that problem.  This one should not be a snap, but it might be forward movement, especially if I intentionally choose places that she would not like to go.

Then, there would not be the whole changing her mind issue on the drive to wherever she initially chose, which, in actuality, turns into the drive to hell and no place in particular.  It is mean of me to do it this way, but every other way, advance planning, menus, letting her always choose, discussing, discussing and discussing it...until I just want to grab a fork and stab myself...might become a distant and less-heartbreaking memory.  I am willing to be mean in the desire to hold on to the remaining shreds of my sanity.

O.K., I just reread this next part and I have no idea where it came from or what it is doing in my head.  It is like this overwhelming heaviness just dropped down on me and brought a whole shitload of sadness with it.  So, I am going to make it really tiny so that no one reads it.  I would delete it, but it seems to be needing expression, you know?  For any hapless person who stumbles on this, just ignore me.  Ahhh, better.  You know, I am really not such a downer person.  Really.  It is true.  I swear.


One last thing is safe to share here because I am the only person who ever comes here and reads this dreck.  I mean, I wish that I could say even a bit of this to my friends, but, honestly, no one wants you to ever change or to share this sort of thing.  They just do not want to hear it.  Ever.
I am sorry for no longer being the person that you want me to be.  It is too difficult to always be the girl in who's world it is always high noon, the sun is always shining, the birds are singing and the unicorns are eating wildflowers and pooping rainbows.  It is too hard.  
It is also too hard to be the person that makes everyone laugh, soothes hurt or injured feelings and mediates between the rest of you.  I am not Switzerland.  I cannot do it anymore.  Well, maybe I can once in a while, but I cannot be that ray of eternal bliss and bandages that makes everything nice.  Not anymore.  You can want it, but I am no longer able to do it.
The truth is that I am sad, sad about a lot of things.  I might even be in a medium or serious depression.  There are parts of my life that are totally not wonderful.  My sadness is legitimate.  You are not the only ones who get to share the crap about your lives.  I am not the only method of transportation for those of you who have chosen to not spend your money on cars or bus passes or taxicabs, preferring to use that money for travel, fancy restaurants and travel.  
And, you, you in particular, if I have to listen to you tell me how much money you have saved over the past forty years by not having a car, whilst I am driving you all over the kingdom so that you can do your errands in the city where you live, which is a forty-five minute drive from the city where I live, and doing it on my day off, well, I do not know what I might do, but it certainly would not be driving you all over the damn place.
I am not anyone's ray of sunshine,  I am a busy person who has problems of my own, but you do not want to hear that, preferring only smiles, jokes and happy stories, and I understand that you have come to expect that from me. 
I have pulled back from a relatively significant number of my volunteer jobs.  I am not calling or calling on most of you, even my family, been staying home a lot, trying to be well or at least the kinds of not-well that I have been for months now.  I have cleared the decks, so to speak, and am coming back a bit. 
It is just that I am coming back as a bit of a different person.  You might not like me as much; I am not so happy-go-lucky and carefree.  But, I like myself better this way, I think I do, I think I could.  And, I am not sure where this came from all of a sudden.  Whatever.  So be it.

I do have a GP, but it is kind of weird.  It was supposed to be another coffee thing, but something happened.

Not just weird, kind of creepy, too.  Wonder what it is saying about my internal process

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 29

Breakfast:  Eggs, 4 strips of pre-cooked bacon (yes, I am lazy on top of everything else), 4 squared of chocolate
Lunch: A lot of wonderful food, but slightly too much of it, at one of those really good buffet places.
Dinner:  Glass of red wine to help wash down the shame of lunch

I am doing this differently today.  Since I am not doing anything useful, I thought that I would write this in segments, as drafts are allowed here.  That is one of the things I most like about Google.  Whatever the product, you can always save in draft form.

So, anyway, I am just about to get ready to take one of my ss women to lunch.  I have limited these excursions to three hours, but she drags them out for at least an additional hour, which is still much better than the usual six to twelve hours she prefers.  I feel exceptionally mean about making these time restrictions.  She has only one other friend.  That friend is often cross and impatient with her, but if you have only just the two friends and one of them (me) has other things scheduled during the week, the one that is left is still your only other friend.

Now, with this time thing, I am going to be one of her cross and impatient friends, too, I guess.  I do not want to be that kind of friend.  It sucks to be that kind of friend.  But, I have to be, otherwise I would never have any time for myself.  This friend, today's friend, would prefer that I pick her up and take her places two or three times a week, not for appointments or anything, but just for social contact.  If I were not responsible for three other people just like her, I might be willing to do that.  But, I cannot, I simply cannot do all of that.  I can squeeze three such visits/trips into a week, but they cannot be all for one person.

Besides, none of the four people for whom I do this is willing to just go to the park and sit or take a lunch from home.  They are not interested in going to a mall or some other public place and just sitting and talking.  They all want to eat out and go shopping.  They can afford it, I cannot.  What they cannot do is to drive themselves.  For that they need me.  Well, I hope that they need and want me for more than that, but the truth is that I am not sure that it is for anything more than the driving aspect.  Even if that is so, I can still do this with one of them during the week.  Whilst I can often manage to avoid spending anything when they shop, it is nearly impossible to avoid having to fork out money at a restaurant, and it is absolutely impossible for me to take food from home along.  I try to eat before I leave to fetch them so that I will not arrive someplace and be ravenous, and then find the least expensive thing on the menu, but it still adds up.

I have no idea where she wants to go today.  She want to surprise me.  Yeah, she is sweet like that and looks to make these outings fun for me, too.  She buys a coupon book every year from some non-profit organization and likes to use those things to try new restaurants.  One of them, last month, was a hour and a half drive away, but it turned out to be one of the best places we have ever been.

Off to have fun!

It is official.  I totally suck at having a backbone.  I do and it is time that I just gave in and admitted it.  No freaking backbone, and to illustrate how that is, today's three hour lunch just ended at seven and a half hours.  It included a trip to a medium box store, where I found heirloom Roma tomatoes and a Black Krim.  Both are strong and sturdy and double-stemmed plants and are in the ground and awaiting a nice, deep watering in the morning.  Yeah, even people without backbones know not to water this close to nighttime.

As for the three hour limit on taking someone out, I really do give up.  I will save it for the times when I really cannot afford a minute more, as well as limiting these excursions to once every other week. 

So, I am wondering what the friendship of some of the people in my life means and where those relationships are going, if they are going anywhere.  The one who screwed me over is pretty much history.  We will still have to see each other at the gallery, but the connection is severed, at least on my end.  Frankly, if he could treat me like he did, there never existed any kind of relationship between us.  All in all, no loss for him and only some residual sadness for me.

And, today's friend, the older woman that I take places, well, what is that all about anyway.  I have to decided if I really am her friend and how I am going to accept who she is and just get the hell over myself.  I can do that.

Today's GP is an angel, just in case you cannot figure out what it is.

Yes, this really is an angel!

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 27

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch:  Subway roast beef, provolone, lots of veggies, no dressing or mustard or other junk
Dinner:  Steak, meatloaf, green beans, mixed vegetables, carrots, sugar-free fudge frozen thing, 3 cans of diet orange soda

So, anyway, the day went well, until the friend who is, I guess not my friend showed up.  We had a brief conversation and I left because it just makes me so sad and I keep pulling up my big girl panties and trying to move beyond this and, gosh, I just cannot pull those panties up any further without risking a trip to the emergency room.

Why is this so difficult for me?  I am foolish.  I really am.  I should not be caring about someone who is willing to fuck me over without a second thought and who finds it amazing that I would have the nerve to be sensitive about it.  You know, I just have to wonder why I even care about this.  And, this goes way beyond betrayal and marginalization and all that stuff.  Like I said, foolish, that is me.

So, I am driving home and I have a huge craving for ice cream.  I think about stopping for a cone or something at Dairy Queen, but it is not on my way home and I think that I will stop at the grocery store to buy some.  I start in saying, aloud, that I deserve to be healthy and I deserve to be slimmer and weigh less and deserve to have healthy lungs and heart and deserve to have less pain in my knees, hip and feet and I deserve to be healthy.

I stop at the grocery store and I fill my cart with diet soft drinks.  Orange (cans), cola (bottles) and three kinds of diet Snapple, all fruit flavors.  Next stop is the meat case where I buy three steaks, on sale and lots cheaper than the amount of ice cream that I would be more than happy to eat.  Meat is next to the bakery.  How mean is that?  I walk past it, gazing longingly at the breads and death by chocolate cake and lemon bars and fruit tarts and tolero rolls and triple chocolate muffins and croissants.  Lordy.  There were other things that I do not even like and they looked great, too.  But, I kept on walking to the dairy section to get more eggs.  Coming around the front end I pass the liquor department and think, "Oh, a nice glass of bourbon would be nice," and I finally cave and turn right into the frozen treat aisle.  I look at all of it and grab a box of sugar-free fudge things.

Then, I go directly to the check-out lanes, tossing two 86% cocoa chocolate bars on top of everything else, pay for my stuff and go home.  Narrow escape, yes?  No.  Once home, I broil the steak, cook some frozen green beans, portion out some of the steak for the cats, sprinkle a little fleur de sel on the rest and eat.  Really, really good, mostly because I did not, for once, overcook the meat.

Half an hour later I am starving, so I get one of those fudge things.  Twenty minutes later I am starving so I have two cans of that orange soda and a couple of ounces of tumbled carrots.  Finishing the last can, I am starving.  It has now been ninety minutes since I had dinner and I am hungry.  I go and stand in front of the refrigerator, just daring myself to open it.  I do not, but I do open the freezer.  I take out some frozen meatloaf and a little baggie of mixed vegetables, leftovers from who know when, nuke them, eat them and wait.  I have another orange soda.  I wait.  It has now been two hours and I think that I am finally finished eating for the night.  Another orange soda, just opened, to take my meds. 

For dinner I ate two portions of steak (half was supposed to be for lunch tomorrow), a portion of meat loaf, four portions of vegetables, a frozen fudge thing and am now on my 4th soda.  Good freaking grief.

And, why?  Because I am heartsick at this whole, stoopid friend thing and I am a freaking emotional eater.  This is why I need to join a program or get a therapist or some damn thing. 

You know, I recognized that I was over-reactive and hungry because I was upset on the drive home.  I planned on healthy food and bought mostly that, if you discount the chocolate (which I still have not eaten, by the way, and have no desire for) and the diet sodas.  I did all kinds of positive self-talk and affirmed the crap out of myself and I still was ravenous to fill that empty space and fill it I did, with food.  I am fine now, but when it was happening I was frantic with hunger. 

I am not a kid.  I am smart enough to figure this out, with or without a group or program or shrink.  I am.  I am hoping that tonight was some kind of liminal experience and that I learned whatever I was intended to learn and that I can hold on to whatever that was.  I feel like I am running in circles, a bit of forward movement, but not straight ahead, rounding back on myself to begin again, over and over.  I want this 100 days to be a time for developing new habits, ones that will serve me instead of serving me cake and chips and dip.  Tonight felt like a fail when I was caught in its thrall, but now it feels like a gift.

I can do this.  I can...I can...I can.  I am.  I believe in myself, even if there is not anyone else who does.  I deserve this getting healthier thing.  I do.

GP, interestingly enough, is supportive of this.  Huh.