Today was, still is a little bit, one of my stomach anxiety days...SAD, fer short. I just made that up. Lordy. They do not happen often, but they are a source of uncertainty for me. It begins with strong dream images that carry over into the morning.
No breakfast, but not because I am not hungry. I feel hunger, but I am afraid to eat because it will begin an avalanche of eating.
There will not be any food choices that will sate my hunger. No matter what I eat, healthy or crappy, substantial or light, there will be no lessening of feeling hungry.
When this happens, I try to eat very little and spread out what I am eating over a long period of time. I am never successful at appeasing my need for food and the gnawing in my stomach, the growling and all that, but I always hold the hope that if I keep at it, that it will work on one of the SADs. There is often a significant amount of swearing on SADs. I make no apologies.
So, Diary, this is what happened and what I ate today.
I awoke and did my best to divest myself of the dream images. I waited a couple of hours before eating and then I ate. And ate. It seemed like I was hungry beyond comfort every hour or so. And, so I ate something every hour or so. I managed a couple of two-hour gaps, but it was a struggle.
2 ears of corn, with a little butter and even less salt
3-inch thick slice of a small, seedless watermelon, with a little salt
Some crackers, really nice whole grain ones that are very, very satisfying, well, at least on a normal day
About a dozen cherries I would have eaten more, but that is all that was left from yesterday.
8 ounce lobster tail, with butter
Sugar-free ice cream bar
Sugar-free ice cream bar
6 ounce steak, rare
More of the Kruncher chips, which really bothered me, so I smashed them up and put them out at the feeding stations for the raccoons and the crows.
In addition, I have been drinking even more water than I usually do, in the vain hope that it would keep me topped off and unable to feel hunger.
At the steak, I was up to 6:00 p.m., and I have managed to not eat anything else, but it has not been easy. I am looking at that list and I am thinking holy crap. Even worst is that, here I am at 8:30 and I could easily eat something. I know that I will want to eat again before I go to bed, and that is just insane, and that I will cave and have something.
And, I have messed-up my meal plans, well, not as though I do any actual meal planning, but I had a generalized plan for the groceries I bought when I was out taking care of a friend yesterday. The lobster was to be tonight's dinner and the steak was for tomorrow. I also bought plenty of greens for salads, but none of that would do to satisfy me today, so I left them alone, knowing that I would still eat other stuff.
This has been happening for the past year or so (maybe longer, I really cannot remember), every few months and it is driving me crazy. It is not so horrible when I am at home, but it has happened twice when I was at work. The first time I had to go downstairs to the employee lounge and buy a couple of packets of crap from the vending machine. The second time I was prepared, because I kept a bag of raw almonds in my office stuff just in case it happened again. A much healthier choice, but just as upsetting.
This is nuts. I suspect that it might be hormonal, if only because I cannot think of anything else. How dumb. For a while I thought that it had something to do with particularly vivid dreams, but I remember many of my dreams, sometimes several each night, and there are plenty of times when disturbing dream images follow me through my day, but there is not the insane hunger problem on those days. Maybe I have some kind of imbalance or some dumb thing. I bought some probiotics, bilberry, turmeric and some mixed vitamins for diabetics yesterday and will start with those tomorrow.
It only happens occasionally, and without any warning. And, I am spending too much time thinking and writing about this. But, it bugs me because it is such an out of control feeling, desperate and some other stuff that I am unable to define. Just plain nuts. As soon as I finished the meat, I felt better, as in much better. Now I am wondering if I finally ran out of room in my stomach or if it had something to do with the protein. Nah, if that were so, it would have been like that with the seafood earlier. Even so, I might try meat or eggs the next time this strikes. I just wrote a note in my planner. It might be time to accept that this might happen again and to track it more carefully.
Aside from manifesting my inner Cookie Monster, without the cookies, I fell sort of all right. I still have this hope thing going and since no one bothered me today, well, it is all good, you know? I have an inner smile to keep CM company, and here it is:
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