100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 48

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  2 hot dogs, relish, jalapenos, yellow mustard
Dinner:  Baked cod, baked potato (sour cream, butter, tons of pepper), cole slaw

Planning ahead for dinner, there would be no serious food during the day.  So, I had funny food, a pair of hot dogs from the gas station, one of my favorite guilty pleasures of all time.  In decades of having them, I have only gotten sick one time and that was earlier this year.  I have to admit that it put me on alert, but it never made me think of never having them again.  It is only every few months that I do so. 

My son-in-law's sister loves them, as well, and it was one of the ways that we bonded, because she did not really like me all that much.  She did not have much of a chance, though, because I am relentless and will wear you down until you simply cannot resist me.  It would be nice if some people just liked me for who I am, but if I have to persist, then that is what I am willing to do.  In my sixty-four years, there are only a handful of people who have not succumbed to my will, one of which you can guess, Dear Diary.  Yep.  No amount of anything has helped there.

So, anyway, dinner was to celebrate the birthday of a friend who I met on pilgrimage to England and Wales a long time ago.  She moved to the D.C. area to be closer to family a few years ago and when she comes back it is always worthy of celebration, but this time it coincided with her birthday so that is what we did.

The restaurant is kind of a bar/tavern that grew.  Years ago it was a nice place to go for lunch and have a nice burger or reuben sandwich and excellent fries.  Well, tonight, it looked the same from the front, but once inside, it was like stepping into an alternate universe.  I mean, the place was huge.  And, it was packed.  And, it was expensive.  Holey-moley.  It ended well, but tomorrow's trip to the fruit festival will find me with less cash.  Probably just as well, since the food there is supposed to be amazing.  Like, truly.

All in all, not a bad day, food wise.

However, I did learn a few things.

I learned that I could have an outstanding week, bi-polar issues aside, and I think that it was because I stood up for myself.  Twice.  Once last week when the most recent attack took place, and again this morning when an attempt to do it again happened.  I will never win even a moment's peace here, but, crap, I stood up for myself and the world did not end.  I know that retaliation is coming.  Not only because it always does, but because I overheard part of a telephone conversation.  At least I know part of what is coming.  Forewarned is forearmed, and all that jazz.  Anyway, I have to practice this standing up and make it a part of more of what happens around here.  After this thing this morning, I just sat there, here actually at my desk, and threw myself on the mercy of the Universe.  Oh, please, allow something or some way to manifest so that I can move on.

Which brings me to the second thing I learned today, and it is that it is fine to hold on to my dreams.  Wishes, hopes, dreams, they are all worth having, even when they are impossible, even when you probably do not deserve to have them come to pass.  Yeah, even then.  Sometimes they are all that keep me going, that yearning for a better life where there would not be all of this mess and stress.  The truth is that I could pack my crap and leave any time I wanted.  O.K. that is true, but it is not the whole truth.  Diary, you know what binds me here and when that is resolved, well, we will see what happens.

I learned that if your friend, the nun, tells you a story about one of the people she serves in her community and makes a stupid comment about how not bright one of the men is because he is a member of a minority, that I can ask her what that means and just let her talk until she realizes that her assessment of him is more related to inadequate educational opportunities than lack of intelligence.  However, there was nothing I could do to dissuade her from the whole race thing.  I mean, if you cannot count on a nun to be fair and balanced, then who can you count on? 

I learned that even when a friend is generally despicable, I can still find a way to be a friend.  It was not easy, but I did it. I think that feeling so good helped, but this has been a concern for me for a long time and it was nice to take the high road and try to get over some of the other stuff.

I learned that even when I feel like stabbing myself with a fork, that I can get through a dinner with her and still be friendly and conversational, even when the other her bails and moves to the end of the table to avoid her, the first one.  Hours later, still making me smile.  However, she...the first her...is not going to be a part of any of my future travel plans.  I go away to get away, not to take any of the stuff with me.

The birthday girl invited me to visit her and when two other of our friends overheard (not the her), they invited themselves along and the birthday girl was delighted.  I said that I would meet them all out there, D.C., since they prefer to fly and they decided that they would love to take the train, as well.  Sigh.  I am not all that worried, since I have months to make other arrangements to go alone and not hurt the feelings of anyone, all women that I love.  It will work out.  Yep.  Oh, and the learning here is that I now realize that I am not willing to spend my away time with anyone.  I mean, how selfish is that.  Really selfish.  I have some serious work to do here.

Alrighty, another heart.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 23

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  Corn, butter
Dinner:  Smoked pork chop, iceberg and celery salad, dressing, green beans, butter

Man, all the damn butter.  Too bad, I love it, try to use it responsibly and refuse to give it up.  So, there!

I learned something today.  Well, I actually learned several things today, but the first one is that if your lunch is four ears of corn over a period of slightly more than three hours, that is still too much corn.  At least I do not have to take any fiber tablets today, or even tomorrow, I am guessing.  I wish there were smileys or emoticons here, because I am still cracking up over how this all happened.

You know, I intended to have an ear for lunch, but it led to a second one 40 minutes later and then sort of went downhill after that.  I tried to resist, but all that I did was to stretch it out until the accumulated carbs made me drowsy.  I slept for nearly three hours and finally had dinner late.  It was like a carbohydrate avalanche, for heaven's sake.

Now, dinner is the way that I want to eat all the time.  A small portion of flesh and a lot of vegetables, filling, tasty and the good kind of carbohydrates that will keep me going and metabolizing well and not being so drowsy after.  I think that corn is measuring up to be my sweet craving.  I must resist buying it whenever it is cheap enough.  Gods help me when the harvest comes in this summer and the corn is local and ambrosiatic.

Back to feeling like crap, but I am determined to overcome this mess, especially the ear pain.  Allergies must surely be a part of it, so decongestants are always on my market list.

In addition to avoiding the lovely, golden corn, I think that I have to add romantic films to that list.  Today's torture was Tangled.  I love children's movies, but when did they become so...so...adult-y romantic?  For some reason, my longings to have someone in my life who gives a whit about me have been ignited somehow.  I am lonely in a more personal, intimate way that I have been for decades and decades.  I remember the early years of our marriage and how it was fine.  I felt loved and cherished.  That it was all in my head is irrelevant, and that he only cared about what I could do for him means nothing because it was my belief that there was true love, caring and affection coming in my direction.  Sometimes that kind of self-deception is just fine and it works for as long as it work, often a very, very long time.

Eventually I smartened up.  I did not like being wiser about any of this, but another eventuality is that I became accustomed to it, refused to think about anything other than just making it through whatever happened, and transferred my energies to our daughter, other people and lots and lots of work.  That has been functioning well.  Well, until recently. 

It is probably a year now that the status quo ante here is not working quite so well.  And, that film tonight, well, an adult woman, ancient really, should not be gently weeping, or feeling sympathetically parallel to the loss and yearning of an animated character.  She simply should not.  But, I am, and it totally sucks.  I am going to die without anyone loving me, not even in the way love manifests in a freaking Disney film.  I get it, you know?  I know that the chances of an ugly, useless person like me just does not have any chance in the realm of adult relationships.  I should be happy and satisfied that I have an amazing life, full of family and friends and truly kick-ass and meaningful work.  I am.  I am happy and satisfied and clearly grateful for every damn thing that I have.  I understand how seriously ungrateful I am to want more, when there are so many people who would give just about anything to have the wonderful life that I have.  I wish that I were not so greedy.

The coincidence of the GP is just, plain sad: