100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 61

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  Frozen dinner, enchilada thing, 2 snack bags of cranberries
Dinner:  Last of the roast beef, horseradish/mayonnaise mixture, green beans
Snack:  Cheddar Crackefuls, 2

In the past 24 hours I have slept for more than 14.  I woke early, was up for a few minutes and went back to bed, sleeping until noon.  I have managed to stay up all day, and whilst I do not feel ill, I know that I could have easily gone for a nap or two.  I am headed off in a few minutes, but I only got up at noon because the telephone rang.  I always answer the phone, you just never know when it will be important, although it rarely is.  This is going to be long and it is all the fault of that telephone call.  (Note:  I just re-read this, sort of, and it is long and boring and biased.  Even so, I stand by it, typos, rotten syntax, rambling, confusion, preachiness and all.)

I think that the most important work that we do in our lives is to live the best life that we can, take care of our families, even the members who drive us insane.  So, family first.

Next is our faith community, which does not even have to be the church to which we belong, just a place that does good works.  Even if you are of a different spiritual path, they will be happy to welcome you into their social service work.  I accept that many people will always put God first, but that is not my way.  Whether you believe anything about a higher power or not, the first thing most of us experience is family, and to my mind, even with a God, that God gave us family...and later friends...first, long before we could even begin to come to faith, so that must mean something, yes?

The next step outwards is our neighborhoods.  Over the years I have lost contact with the people who lived nearest to me, as they moved away and other people moved in.  We live in a sort of transitional area, with people stopping here on their way to someplace better.  We are here because it was the only location we could afford and it has served us well for nearly 36 years.  I know and am conversant with only four other families.  That is kind of shameful, because I do not know if there is anyone around here who does not have family or friends that check up on them.  I would just hate to find out that someone needed help and did not know any of us well enough to reach out.  It makes me think of that woman in Australia that died and no one missed her for years.  I mean, how sad and unfortunate is that. 

So, anyway, this is inspired by a telephone call requesting a charitable donation.  When I expressed my inability to help them, the woman was nice enough, though clearly disappointed that I did not hand over my inconsiderable wealth to her.  That, the last part, is not true, but when I asked to be put on their no-call list, because receiving these calls is so distressing to me, she got all snarky and called me selfish before she disconnected.

That reminded me of a similar call, oh, about ten years ago, from our state's public radio system.  I had been a regular contributor for decades, but that time was one of struggle for me and I just could not make even a small donation.  This was around the time of the annual fund drive (they only had one each year then), and the station or a volunteer, most likely, was making cold calls to former contributors, and when I explained that I could not donate anything that year, her response was something like, oh, surely you can't be so cheap that you can't send five dollars or something, and, well, that stung a bit, too. 

An earlier experience, around 35 years ago was a call-center call for the Special Olympics.  The guy who called was really rude and pushy and when I kept trying to explain that we figured out what we could afford to donate each year and then chose a few organizations to whom we would make that donation, and that I was happy to add them to the list for the following year because we have donated to them in the past, he called me a couple of names, ones I am unwilling to share here, mostly because I am trying so hard to not curse any more.

Even though those three incidents were locally based, they did nothing to diminish me desire to do stuff that was not about me.  You know?  And, see, I am all over the place today, Diary, so sorry about that.

Over the years I have participated in tons of local and far-flung charitable programs.  I think that being involved in stuff beyond my own, personal needs is important, maybe even essential for my own well being.  I have volunteered and donated for all of my adult life, and began taking my daughter to things like the community food programs in the city near us, when she was nearly five years old and allowed to participate.  She helped to read the recipes and create a shopping list, do the shopping and the cooking, and come along to the sites.  There she could only help to clean up the tables and bring extras to the participants, but it was one of the things that helped her to become the generous and careful person that she is today.

All of this brings me to where I am on this issue today.   I suspect that few people will agree with me, Diary, but I have some strong feelings about this.

If you are going to be charitable, then do it locally.  It is my belief that the only exception should be for any service, product or other support for our military personnel and their families.  As far as the governments of the world are concerned, if they are going to use military force to solve, ameliorate or defer their issues with other governments or groups, then, as far as I am concerned those creeps are on their own.  Unfortunately, in order to play their little war games, they need bodies to become fodder for their dreams of manifesting on the big stage their own insecurities and shortcomings, aspects they are unable to manage in their personal lives.

Seriously.  All of that filters down to individual people suffering.  I care about that aspect, I really and truly do.  If anyone cares to dispute my dedication to helping wherever help is needed, I am perfectly ready, more than willing, and able, to duke it out with you in person.  I do not consider myself a particularly violent person, nor do I endorse or support violence of any kind, and I am not the teeniest bit comfortable handling up-close-and-personal weapons, much less those of mass destruction, but I am willing to stand up for my beliefs, and this is one of them.  Alrighty, I am being ironical about the whole duking it out part.  I would not hit anyone or even have an argument because I do not do conflict of any kind, but just because I am a pacifist, it does not mean that I am a doormat.

The keep it local thing extends to adoptions, disaster relief, world-wide relief efforts and anything else of which you can think or find an organization willing to lend a helping hand.  Seriously.  I feel that strictly and that strongly about this.  I empathize as much as anyone when the call comes for assistance to a far-flung country experiencing a natural disaster or governmental screw-up or, well, anything.  I used to do that, too, jump to put in my pittance so that it would join all of the other pittances to make enough to feed the hungry, support medical aid, send blankets, baby clothes, clean drinking water, encourage and support local-based enterprises and the entrepreneurial spirit, animal husbandry and all the rest.  I used to financially support the efforts of a whole bunch of organizations, both local and all over the planet.

I know that giving is essential to living for me.  I need to share what I have with other people and organizations that help those who have even less than I do.  Were I lucky enough to have more money than I knew what to do with, I would be even more generous.  Frankly, I am more prosperous than many of the people on the planet, but whilst that is not an entirely separate issue, this is already too long and even I am losing interest in this, so much the worse for you, Diary.

However, during all of that donating, there were always situations, circumstances or conditions in my own community that went begging for funds.  I have always supported local needs, whatever they might be, but not to the extent that I could have, because my efforts were diluted by all of the other stuff I was supporting.  The truth is that even when you know about something or a lot of somethings, you simply cannot help everyone.

As for the arguments that there will always be countries who simply cannot help their own people, that is certainly true, but it is often the consequence of poorly designed or implemented efforts, and way too often corrupt officials and governments.  Frankly, the keep sending aid to those places means that you are actually supporting the local despots and that little, if any, of the money and supplies sent to those places ever filters down to the people who really need it.  Any doubts about that can quickly be shattered by a little research.  And, the plain and simple truth is that corrupt or clueless officials never seem to be educated and encouraged, much less censured or punished in an effort to change their ways, meaning that the people will always be suffering with no end possible or in sight.  

I know that makes me sound supremely selfish, but it is not possible to do everything and I decided to have more focus and immediacy in how I donate and volunteer.  I honor whatever and however other people choose to use their resources, but this is what works for me; my preference is to be as up close and personal with my giving as I am with everything else in my life.  Whatever you do, great, and there are sufficient personal opportunities for you to help someone, because your own community is full of volunteer opportunities just waiting to be filled.  Some of the more easily found are your faith community, veteran's organizations (even our tiny village has one), schools, hospitals, your local volunteer center, correctional facility, and so much more.

I care about people first, but just as important is your local humane society/organization, and whilst this is an issue that deserves it's own conversation, I am going to share a bit of what I have learned from 28 years of rescue work.  One of the more important things I learned from all of those years is that if it is possible to influence and teach children about humane treatment of animals, it often filters into the home, and through that child's life, how essential it is to be a good caretaker and steward of every living thing.  If you fall under the thrall of a group that claims to be a non-kill shelter/group, it is certainly better than nothing, because even a group that claims to be no-kill, well, the first time they turn away any animal (any condition, temperament, health) and even if that is related to the limits of their resources, that animal has to go to a municipal shelter or organization, which takes in every animal that comes to their door.  No-kill groups/shelters have the luxury of taking only the animals for which they have a decent chance of finding permanent homes, but that means that they are simply passing the burden to a facility that often has no alternative but the euthanize animals who are not lucky enough to find decent homes.  Municipal shelters have limited resources, as well, but they never turn anyone or any animal away from their doors.  If a no-kill organization passes on a single animal, for whatever reason, then they, and everyone who works or volunteers with them, hold the same responsibility for the eventual death of that animal, just the same as if you had been there, held the animal and used the drugs to end it's life.  No different.  Clearly this holds a large amount of energy for me, but right is right, no matter how one tries to nuance it.

So.

There are local volunteer centers all over the world.  Just go to Google and type in

volunteer center (then add your city, town, county, whatever)

You will find links to your center and they are wonderful at matching the interests and skills of volunteers to the needs in your own community.

Here are some links to find local places that could really use your help and/or donations.

Big Brothers Big Sisters
http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.9iILI3NGKhK6F/b.5962335/k.BE16/Home.htm

Habitat for Humanity
One of the many great things about Habitat is their ReStores, where they sell materials that were left over from projects and/or donated materials that they cannot use in their projects.  This is a great opportunity for volunteering, as well as finding home building and repair materials for your own projects, whilst support some seriously wonderful work.
http://www.habitat.org/default.aspx

American Red Cross (There is likely to be a similar organization where you live.)
http://www.redcross.org/

Volunteer Match
http://www.volunteermatch.org/

Corporation for National and Community Service
This includes:

•     AmeriCorps
•     Citizen Corps
•     Learn and Serve America
•     National Conference on Volunteering and Service
•     Peace Corps
•     Senior Corps
•     Volunteers for Prosperity
•     Federal Civil Service
•     Foreign Service
•     Military
•     State and Local Government
•     U. S. Public Health Service
•     Veterans Affairs
•     Volunteer.gov/gov

http://www.serve.gov/

This kind of mess is what happens when you are not getting the right amount of sleep.  Just saying.


Location still broken.  Alas.  How will I know where I am? 

GP
Bloom where you are planted.

Oh, I like this one

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 56

Breakfast:  Eggs, bacon, hash browns
Lunch:  Taco Taco, small burrito, two crunchy tacos, huge soda
Dinner:  Crappy, limp salad, a couple of spoons/tastes of some truly heinous clam chowder, some oyster crackers and three lemon wedges
Snack:  The better part of a pound of cherries on the way home from my crappy day, some Kruncher chips

Breakfast with my friends, great coffee, lousy and surly service.  What the hell is wrong with people?  Seriously, the world seems to be full of seriously cranky people, which is somewhat comforting because I can be very cranky and cranked-up, although I keep it to myself, well, most of the time. 

I ate out three times today and accept how messed-up that is.  The lunch one was a place where you are not allowed to give tips, and the counter guy there left his counter during a lull and went around asking everyone if their food was O.K., and if they needed anything, which is totally not the kind of sweet service one would expect in such a humble place, but there it was and the guy was so nice.  When I had ordered and paid for my food, I saw a sign for a lemonade drink that had fruit, as in actual fruit and juice, in it and asked if it had been sweetened, and when the counter guy confirmed that, I mentioned that it looked really great, but that I had to avoid sugar and his reply was, "Well, in that case, just to help you feel better, that stuff is nasty, nasty, nasty!"  He referenced it again when he wandered by to ask if we needed anything.  Such a nice touch.  It happened again later at the drug store when a young guy came up to me and asked if he could help me find anything, which he could and which he did, telling me a couple of cool stories about rock climbing in the process of being super-duper helpful. 

The world is full of nice people like that, which makes the perpetual corps of doofuses (or, is it doofi?) just that much more noticeable.  Dinner with the friend that needs hauling everywhere had the same kind of person.  Sad service and really bad soup.  And, you know, when it comes to receiving service, I am a very low maintenance diner/customer/client/ordinary person.  I never send stuff back when dining.  I am a good consumer so that I never, ever, ever have to return anything to a store.  I do not request any kind of special attention and just go with the flow as much as possible so as to avoid even the merest suggestion of any problem.  I am just as non-confrontational in public as I am in the more private parts of my life.  That makes me sound like a doormat, and I guess that I mostly am that.

Whatever.  You know, I get to where I can stand up and then it just drifts away, that feeling that I have the ability and self-responsibility to do it.  Just...drifts...away...poof...there it goes.

And, it is not helping that I was clearing out some of the junk that I never revisit from my computer files and stumbled into the writings of a friend who lost her son a few years ago.  I read and then went back in time and read from the beginning of that loss, the tragedy and pain of losing that lovely boy.  Then, I was no longer weeping for my own losses and problems, but for the absence of that sweet and wonderful boy and all of the people and places and things that we no longer have in our lives, individually and collectively, all that stuff that makes life worth the struggle, at least it did before it came up missing. 

I know that my sorrow is not unique, at least in the larger aspect of a life, mine, yours, the lives of everyone.   You know that saying about how happy families are alike in their happiness, but unhappy families are unique in their unhappiness.  Yeah, like that.  But, even though our individual pain is specific to the qualities and experiences of each of our lives, the entirety of sadness connects us because we all feel loss and sorrow and pain pretty much the same, as only human bodies and minds and hearts can...that is what connects us.

So, my friend's pain at losing her son is sort of my pain, too, because I knew and loved him in my own way, but it mirrors all of the suffering of my own life.  I feel the same qualities of pain for her loss as I do for my own. 

It is like this stupid visual disorder that I have and that other people, not many, but more than enough, have and when someone reads about what another person's symptoms are like and how it fucks up their life, someone else might say that they really do not have anything to complain about because they view their own symptoms as being less somehow, and that is total bullshit.  The difficulty each person has is equal in significance to that of another person and to compare them is pointless.  We all suffer at our own level of discomfort, pain.  And, it is, it is how we are connected.  

So, I am feeling sad about all of this stuff again, and instead of trying to get rid of it, I think that I might want to, might actually honor it a bit tonight.  I do not intend to wallow, but I am going to allow myself to feel it as fully as possible, immerse myself in the experience, re-experience it as completely as I can, acknowledge it and then let it pass through me, fall away from my physical body and into the earth, my planet, our Mother, where it can be honored and transformed into something good, something wonderful, something life-affirming.  I can do that.

I did not draw this GP, but I did pay for it in a collection of clip art and it (and the slight alteration I made to it) perfectly suits my general lack of understanding and intelligence today.  Yep.  It does.  But, I can transcend it, yes? 

Yes.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Days 52 - 53 - 54

I cannot remember what I have been eating for the past three days.

I know that there were, for breakfasts:
some hard-boiled eggs
some instant oatmeal
a tiny poppy seed muffin
lots of coffee
2 bananas
orange juice
more boiled eggs

What the heck did I have for lunches?

Oh:
a six-inch roast beef flatbread thing from Subway at a tollway rest stop, and a couple of apples and another hard-boiled egg for lunch yesterday.

Then, today, it was Perkins, the senior turkey dinner, with fresh broccoli, mashed potatoes and a roll, but the food was cold and I did not eat the dressing or the roll, but did manage to choke down most of the rest.

Dinners were better.  Two fabulous Amish meals, one hosted at a working farm and the other at a nice, family style restaurant last night.

There were plenty of temptations along the way, but I totally resisted most of them, and only partially caved on two others.  One was an amazing donut with the best pastry cream ever, and a piece of pie last night, from which I took two nice bites and a third of just the whipped topping.  It was a thin layer of the best cheesecake I have ever tasted, a layer of freshly made raspberry jam, pastry cream, the whipped topping and a drizzle of more jam.  It was delicious and the pride of eating just a couple of tastes was the most delicious part.  As we were leaving, they gave each of us a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie that was more shortbread than cookie and I left that behind.

Still, even with all of the will power, I know that my calorie intake (even though I am not counting them) must have been in the stratosphere.  Oh, well.

So, anyway, I was in Amish country for the better part of the past three days.  It was nice to be away, but I worried the entire time about the consequences...here...of actually daring to go on this little trip.  And, I am going to share, Dear Diary, that that particular problem resolved itself.  I am not saying that it will not rear it's huge head again at some future time, but, for now, it is a sleeping monster.  And, all I have to say about any of it is that sometimes, doing the right things for the right reasons and being assured that you will still have to pay some insane and unnamed price for some equally insane and unnamed violation will come to naught.  That means that nothing horrible happened when I returned home late this afternoon.  Nothing.

Unfortunately, it is not because I am a decent person, you know, that right-thing/right-reason person.  Nope, it is because someone who is not me tried to betray me and in the process totally and completely messed up on the betrayal thing and ended up messing up his own plans.  Unfortunately, that still turned out to be my fault, and whilst I am not certain exactly how that is supposed to have happened, I am fine with it.

Besides, when I found out about how messed up the other stuff got, like really and truly messed up, like huge issue messed up and financially seriously messed up, it was impossible to take any relief, much less any pleasure in what happened whist I was away.  And, even though I am very relieved about much of it, I have already tried to help remedy it.  There is no doubt in my mind that being supportive and helpful will still come back to bite me, it is what I am going to do.

And, I am going to schedule and pay for more of these little trips.  It was fun going someplace very different and meeting lots of cool people, well, except for the woman who kept trying to push me out of the way all the time.  I had such a wonderful time, that when everyone else went on a whole bunch of shuttle trips and did all kinds of fun shopping and stuff, I stayed at the hotel, had a couple of apples for lunch, read a huge portion of one of the books I took along and fell asleep whilst reading.  Right there on my bed.  Freaking glorious.

When the tour director person (or whatever her job title is) walked around on the coach asking each person what their favorite part of the trip was, my answer was the nap.  No one to bother me, interrupt me or do anything to me.  It was an absolutely heavenly experience and I hope to have at least two more this year...trips and naps!

It will be interesting to see what happens around here over the next few days.  Tomorrow will find me booking two more trips, both longer than this one (3 days), and the consequence chips may fall where they like.  Not worrying my pretty, little head about any of it.

Now I just have to figure out what there is around here for dinner tonight.  Maybe some soup or something.

GP?  Neigh...errrr...yep!

A couple of final thoughts.  One is that, in the interest and service of honestly, I have to admit that I have caught myself smiling a couple of times whilst typing this.  Yeah, I am glad to have avoided the whole promised/threatened consequence thing, but I am a little amused that things turned out the way they have.  I sincerely do not wish anything bad on anyone, not even someone who is not me (SWINM). Really.  That said, I am smiling about some aspects of the stuff that got messed up.  

I know that makes me a bad person, but I seem unable to stop those muscles from making that face, the smiling one.

The other thought is that maybe something changed.  Maybe it is me.  Maybe not, but something did.  It will be interesting to see how this manifests, and if it will help me stay on course here and actually be healthier at the end of this project.  

I feel hopeful. 

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 50

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  Nothing
Dinner:  Nothing, yet

So, anyway, Dear Diary, I have been feeling so good about just everything.  A life is not static.  Stuff happens.  Uncertainty is the one thing of which you can be certain, especially if you are going to do more than stay home in your little cave and not be involved in anything.  Oh, lordy, does stuff happen.  You know, I would not have it any other way.  Really.

A lot of days without serious problems, except for the usual ones around here.  I went to the fruit festival yesterday and it was great and then today happened.  It is not worth writing about here, but it was pretty terrible and it was made clear that it was, not exactly punishment for having a life, but sort of like the consequences of doing things that someone does not want me to do.  I kind of crumbled into pieces earlier, but am better now. 

I was trying so hard to make this work here and praying about it and asking for some way to resolves some of the stuff.  Well, you often get exactly what you ask for and that manifested early this morning.  It is just that I was unprepared for how it happened, as in caught completely off-guard.  You know, just when you think that being a good person, doing all of the right things for the right reasons, that all of that love and support will come back to you in some measure, it does not.  Well, that is the way it goes.  I should not ever be surprised, but I am.  Over and over. 

Once I recovered from the shock, I was fine.  I will be better, but, gosh, I do not think that I will ever get used to this and that I will always be stunned when it happens again.  The deliberate cruelty is, what, a new heartbreak every single time.  I have had hours to think about this and, whilst I am sort of, kind of all right with being a person who can still have the whole breaking of the heart thing, it would be fine with me if it never happened again.

I will be gone for three days this week, which will only make things worse, big-picture-wise, but it is too late to do anything about that.  I am going to think of it as the calm before the storm and enjoy as much of it as I can.  I need the time away to make some plans, figure out what to do, stay sane.  You know, like that.

It is interesting, though, that I am sort of, kind of back to feeling good.  The bad stuff is really only beginning, but I was, am, able to bounce back even though this sadness will be with me for a while I am guessing.  At some point, I am just going to have to accept that maybe what the heart wants is not what is best.  I am resisting that.  I have to, if only to know for certain that I did everything possible to make this work.  It is all so sad. 

But, I am strong, and strong in a way that I have not been for a long time.  Maybe I never had this kind of strength before.  It feels new, so perhaps that is true.  Anyway, nothing here is going to destroy me, not the stuff that happens, not the made-up stories, not the misunderstanding from others, none of it.  I have this crazy feeling that I do not have any responsibility to defend myself against any of the stories and the consequences of stories being told.  I know, Diary, that I am being obtuse, but I am doing that a lot lately.  Even writing this to myself in this manner seems like a defense, but I am hoping that it is not.  If I cannot be seen for who I am, then, well, so be it.  Hell, I do that for other people, they can do it for me, dammit!

Anyway, I am still not hungry, but might have some ice cream and go to bed early.  I have some serious divesting to do tomorrow.

And, bloody hell, I still feel good.  Man.

As for GP, the hearts are feeling as though they are part of the sadness, so I am off to make something more cheerful.  Be right back.
Alrighty, here goes.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 46

Brealfast: 3 eggs
Lunch:  1/2 roast beef sandwich, 3 strawberries
Dinner:  Japanese place

I am feeling pretty darn good.  I wish that I was not such an emotionally responsive person.  It would make my life much easier.  I would not over-eat when I am sad.  I would not over-eat in celebration when something great happens.  I would not cry all the freaking time.  I would not be so moody, cranky, bitchy or all over the place all the time.  I would not be so sensitive that the slightest disapproval from anyone would not send me shame-spiralling all over the place.  I would not worry about a tiny percentage of the stuff that has me stressing all over the place.

But, then again, I would also not be feeling so nice today.

I had the opportunity to be the person I believe myself to be, you know, that person who does the right things for the right reasons and is able to put others above her own, petty concerns and really do some thing meaningful.  I cannot give any details, but I was able to do that today.  I helped two people who have extraordinary life, cognitive and emotional challenges.  It was sensitive and difficult work, but I did exactly what I believe that 'good' person inside of me is capable of doing.

There is hardly a better feeling.  Tomorrow might be back to the same old crap, but, at least for today, I shone like a freaking star, hell, an entire constellation...nah, like a galaxy.  Yay me!

I do not even care that my hips hurts like a bitch or that my computer seems on the edge of a major breakdown and keeps disconnecting itself every ten seconds.

More GP hearts on the way, but for today it is all about the eyes.  Looking inwards or out upon the world, the eyes truly have it.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 45

Breakfast:  Eggs
Breakfast:  Bagel, cream cheese, 1 bite of a chocolate donut hole, which I immediately spit out, too icky for even me
Lunch:  Small turkey sub sandwich, chocolate chip cookie
Dinner: Japanese place

I fell and failed at the volunteer thing when I saw that they had bagels and cream cheese from Panera.  That the donut hole was fairly heinous is of small consolation.

I flew home afterwards to do more laundry and then took my friend to her doctor appointment.  She had plans, unshared by the way, of a big, long, late lunch and then shopping.  My compromise (another way of saying that I kind of refused to do the other stuff, but in a nice way) was to drop off her new eyeglass prescription and pick up some fast food for her to take home.  She was hugely disappointed and, I think, a little angry with me.  I felt badly about that, the whole disappointing her part, still do feel some guilt in not just going along with what she wanted, but I have to do this tough love stuff with her.  As it was, just the appointment, dropping the prescription and doing the drive-through at Culvers took more than three hours, mostly because she dawdled and had to talk to every stranger we encountered.  I promised to take her to lunch when we pick up her eyeglasses next week, but did not mention shopping and am hoping to avoid any more of those 8 to 12 hour days.  I simply cannot do those long days anymore, and if that makes me a shitty friend, then, so be it.

I really did not have much time, but it was going to take less time to eat out than to shop and cook something, so I took the easy way and went to the Japanese place.  A quick in, order, eat and I was on my way in barely more than a half hour.  Nice.

I managed to finish the laundry only 25 minutes past deadline and shower and all the rest before anyone else went to bed, but I was unable to find my lost library book.  It is backstock, so I was able to renew it five times before someone else wanted to borrow it, as I kept hoping that I would stumble across it and not have to pay for the darn thing.  I have never lost a library book before, so I guess it was time to add that to my life experiences.  Having to pay the replacement and processing costs is a good lesson in responsibility, but one that I would have preferred not to need.  If I ever find the darn thing, I will donate it back to the library.

So, I ate too much today...huge, freaking surprise...and was not a good friend and did not finish the laundry on time.  Triple fail.  However, the morning's volunteer thing was amazing and one of the organizers told me that since I seem to be doing so much for them, they might as well hire me.  I laughed, but I think that he might have been just a little serious about it.  I am not sure that I am interested in working for the government, but it might be worth considering, especially since I would like to move, sometime before I die.

Gosh, it is late and I have an early and long day tomorrow.  One of my favorite clients has an appointment tomorrow, and whilst she might be trying to scam me, she is so charming that I do not mind. 

'nother heart.  It is broken because I am saying more goodbyes.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 44

Breakfast:  Lean Cuisine dinner, pecan chicken something, I think
Lunch:  3 natural hot dogs, mustard, canned beets
Dinner:  Cashews, 2 crackers with peanut butter on them

I spent today using as few calories as possible.  Both of my legs hurt from all of the walking this weekend.  Swollen and sore, joints and muscles.  So, it seemed to be a good idea to not eat very much.  I am not counting calories, but I have done so for most of my adult life, and I estimate that there were somewhere around 900 of them in today's foods.  That seems close enough.  I could check, but then I would have to use some of those calories to haul myself out of this chair and go look.  Rats.  I just checked and it was 1150 calories.  Too many to even think about having lost any tonnage.  Even though that, the weight, is not supposed to be my focus, it is disheartening to find that today was most likely, at best (a hopeful best), a draw in the in and out department.  F.  (I am trying to not curse.)

Tomorrow is not going to help any.  It is a day of volunteering for the big city near me.  It is part of their summer employment training program for young people.  We did all of the interviewing weeks ago and their training began today with a week's worth of orientation.  I have not any idea what they did today, but tomorrow is like a job fair, if you know what is.  Each of the tables/stations will not be hosted by potential employers, but with information and help related to finances, how to choose a job category (like that is even possible these days, but bless their hearts for building the concept into the program), and all of the expenses that are part of living.  Housing, health care/insurance, vehicles, clothing, household expenses, families, pets, the whole works.  They will have to set up an actual savings and checking accounts with representatives of a local credit union (like a bank), do the paperwork for a 401k account and a lot more.  It should be interesting, especially since they did not notify the volunteers that they were chosen to participate (that would be me and other hapless souls), and aside from arriving a half hour before the participants, there does not seem to be any training that I can tell. 

They are going to give us a light breakfast, whatever the hell that means.  My guess is that it will be coffee and donuts.  My guess is that I will try to get up extra early and make some eggs, or that I will dilly-dally and have to drive-through for some more of those yummy breakfast sandwiches and a big, steaming cup of fairly decent coffee.  Honestly, tomorrow is laundry day, so it is more important to get a load running before I leave home.  There is a lunch offering, but I am guessing that it is more of the same sub sandwiches, chips, cookies, canned soft drinks and other snack things.  So, I will probably be skipping that as well and getting one of those great salads from Wendy's.  I hate to miss that part, though, because sitting around with the other volunteers is a great resource opportunity for me.  Those people are all professionals and I have much to learn from them that could help me with my clients. 

It really is a surreal experience.  There they all are, HR people, executives, radio personalities, and then there is me.  The same thing used to happen to me when I was part of the RIF (Reading is Fundamental) program in the elementary schools in another big city near me.  Doctors, lawyers, police officers, bank officials, veterinarians, businessmen of all kinds.  Then, me.  I am hoping it means that they keep asking me to do these things because they believe that I have something to offer, but it is very humbling to be in the company of such important people.

I should have enough time to come home, toss in more laundry, maybe heat up another of those frozen diet meals and get going to pick up one of my women, who has a doctor's appointment in the afternoon.  Then home again, to shower, wash hair and do one last load of linens, since I am nearly out of clean towels.

On a more personal note, something sad happened today.  The woman who owns the gallery has been expecting some important mail and was not certain if it would come to her place here or the one in another state, which is where she is now.  Something did come last week, and I called her to let her know that it was there and had to leave a message on her voice mail. 

I hate voice mail.  You never know if someone is going to check or if it actually will be there when they do check or some damn thing.  I do not have it, so I always figure that no news is good news, which in my life is pretty much the case.  But, she does have it and she was concerned and I called and left a message.  She did not call back, even though I left my phone on until after midnight.  She knew that I was out of town, but did not call in to ask for more information, which, frankly, I would not have had because I did not open the mail.

This afternoon I heard my phone beeping and when I checked, there were two messages.  Apparently, my friend was not able to reach anyone who could check on the darn mail (there are four of us) and was frantic worrying about what it was.  So, being the good boyfriend that he is, her boyfriend (I digress, but I love that us older babes can still have boyfriends and actually call them that.) called my cell phone and left a stunning message about how upset she was and then made a couple of mild threats.  Yeah, stunning.  I was guessing that the second message was also from him, adding the few things he might have missed saying in the first message, but it was from my friend, who assured me that I had done the right thing and not to worry.  This was later followed by another call from her, where she raged about all kinds of things and the bottom line is that I was the recipient of a whole bunch of frustration about a whole bunch of things. 

I think I have to be finished there, at the gallery.  I am not looking forward to seeing her boyfriend again, although I will miss seeing her.  I have Thursday off and think that I might take the morning to gather my work and leave my keys there.  She is in another state and I am the only person who keeps the gallery open during the week, so I will not risk running into anyone.  This is all too complicated and today was kind of scary.  No, it was a lot scary and I have enough to deal with in my own life, without taking on the pathology of another relationship. 

I am really going to miss going there.  I like welcoming people and talking about the art there and just art in general.  I like having my stuff there and having people like it and sometimes buy some of it.  Yeah, that extra money is nice.  It paid for most of my traveling.  I will miss the other artists and the, gosh, so wonderful discussions we have, and the musicians that drop by to play and I will even miss the street people who stop in to chat a while.  I am going to miss all of it so much.  Even on slow days, there is hardly a more lovely place to sit and knit or read or just sit.  I can still do art stuff, and I still exhibit other places, but this place, this gallery, was special.  It still is special, it is just that I will no longer be a part of it.

Well, you cannot have everything, but it was a little piece of heaven in contrast to much of the rest of my life.  Everything comes to an end of some sort and I have to allow myself to experience this break and be patient for the next thing that might come along.  You know, if I were still busy with the gallery, I might miss that next thing or things.  So, in the end, big picture and all, it is a good thing.  Sad, but ultimately good.  I hope.

So, aside from the food issue, not a bad day.  Well, I guess it sort of was, but I am not going to dwell on it.

What's left?  Ah, GP.  I have a bunch of hearts in the guilty pleasure realm and after the happenings of the past couple of weeks, I need all the hearts I can get, so that is what it will be for the next week or so.  Hearts.  Some of them are on the dark side, but I guess that is appropriate, as well.

What the hell happened to being all light and happy about this?  You know, my intent was to stop complaining all the damn time, but I seem to be stuck on the pain and not able to concentrate on the gain, gaining of better health and a more healthy attitude and outlook.  That is/was my goal, if I actually had goals, I mean.  I kind of suck, yes?  Yes, I do.  I am sorry, I do not mean to be so sucky.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 43

Breakfast:  Eggs, bacon, hash browns (icky, ate them anyway), raisin bread toast, coffee (lots)
Lunch:  Culver's bacon burger, sweet potato fries, diet cola, root beer float
Dinner:  Nothing - amended to add blueberry yogurt

Back home.  Had a good breakfast, except for the toast and hash browns.  My intentions were good, but not good enough.  Lunch was on the trip home and, frankly, there really is not any reasonable menu choice for seriously healthy eating.  There was one salad choice that I could see, and it was some berry thing.  They may have others, but I could not find any on the menu board whilst I was waiting in line, and since the lines were full of our coach members as well as the hapless locals that decided to eat when we were there, I was reluctant to engage in conversation with the counter staff about making modification to what I did see.  In my defense, I did not choose the grilled reuben sandwich, something I wanted very much since we were rushed at lunch on the trip up yesterday and I was able to eat only some of the inside of the reuben I ordered then.  I think I forgot to mention that.  Sad, really, because it was made with homemade marble rye bread.  I will bet it was delicious.

I did fall victim to the fries, but they were of a kinder, gentler potato.  I have absolutely no defense for the float, except that it was the smallest size.  Truth be told, I did not much enjoy the burger.  It had too much processed cheese and mayonnaise on it.  I scraped as much off as I could and then did not eat the last quarter of the thing anyway.  The float disappointed, as well.  Huh.

The tour director passed out more candy, chips and peanuts on the way home and I asked her if her final offering was going to be insulin.  She thought it only mildly amusing and I am guessing that was only because a fellow traveler laughed and she was trying to be a good sport to my smart-ass-ed-ness. 

I ate the little bag of chips, but not the rest.  Still, no dinner for me.  Rats, I still have to take my meds and they need to be taken with food, so it will have to be the little yogurt with blueberries. You know, if I do not start taking this healthy thing seriously, I am going to end up worse off than when I began over a month ago.  Hell, I am nearly halfway through the process and the only weight I have lost is where I did not want to lose any.    Sure, I do have one less chin and less flab in a couple of places.  Big deal.  Small victories, nearly insignificant in the larger war.  I seem to lack the will to do this getting healthier thing.  I sense sabotage from within.  A decidedly bigger deal.

As for feeling, well, I felt well during the weekend.  No stress, no thinking about stuff.  The new pain med worked great and my hips and knees did not bother me a bit until it was close to time for the next dose.  I could take another one now, but I am going to try to fall asleep without it, thinking that being back in my own, comfy bed will be enough to help me fall right to sleep.

I am feeling kind of cranky because it is steaming in here.  I will manage.  Two days away from everything should be two more notches on my Belt Of Courage.  I need to be more brave and every little bit helps.  I worried that these little trips were an attempt to escape from the here, but I think, I believe that they are steps towards being more self-sufficient and less dominated and afraid. 

On the way home, it was raining and I spent a lot of time looking out of the window at all the lovely countryside.  And, I kept thinking, oh, I could live there...and there...and that place...even there in the little town that flashed by.  I want so much to be somewhere, anywhere else.  Cannot do it.  The whole running away from things thing.  I have to find a way to live here, with everything, or I will never be able to settle somewhere else with comfort and confidence and the surety that comes from making the right decision at the right time and for the right reason.  I have the right reason, in spades, but the right time can come only when I have worked through all of this crap.  Just have to pull up my big girl panties and do it.  I need some serious therapy and have for a long time.  Wonder how to fit that in the budget, under the travel, of course, which is a sort of therapy of it's own.

I knit a wash cloth and the body and one sleeve of a really tiny sweater.  I think that it will end up being only two inches square, or not much more than that.  I am using four, 000 needles.  Very small and I have to really pay attention because whilst it is fairly easy to un-knit with larger needles and yarn, I am also using a very fine yard that is intended for making stretch socks.  My eyes finally gave out on that grey-skied, rainy ride home.

GP, which is kind of like the icing on the guilty pleasure of these little trips.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 35

Breakfast:  Eggs, maybe a quarter cup of hash browns, a pancake with margarine and syrup, tons of coffee
Lunch:  Restaurant meal, turkey breast, mashed potatoes, gravy, a tiny bit of cranberry sauce, some really excellent steamed, fresh broccoli, half a small roll, 2 glasses of diet cola, half a piece of french silk pie
Dinner:  Shame and a carton of Häagen-Dazs

I had breakfast with the friends this morning, followed by an extra (and long) session with a client who cannot come during the week, as she does not want her current employer to know that she is pumping up her résumé for a possible new job.  She is not sure she want to make the switch at this time, but has to make a decision by a deadline this week.  She is under the impression that I did great things for her, but the truth is that the most important work that I do with clients is to help them open that part or parts of themselves where the work can be done.  I am just the facilitator, just another tool.

Well, so far so good, yes?  Yes.  Then I picked up the woman that I take to lunch and her appointments and errands.  It was so frustrating that I told her that today's lunch was our last.  Today was the final scene that did me in.  So, no more of her making a huge fuss about money and how much I tip and all the rest.  The fussing she does with sales clerks is also to much of a strain.  I know that it is selfish of me, I do, I am selfish, but being embarrassed by her tirades against me and others when we are out and about is just too, well, embarrassing.  Humiliating to be on the receiving end of that all the time.  It is over.  From now on she gets three hours, door to door, no more meals, only errands and doctor appointments.  I doubt that she is taking this seriously.  And, you know, it is not my problem that she cannot get along well enough with her family to be able to live close to them.  I am willing to be her friend, but not her servant.

So, anyway, by the time the nearly seven hours today was over, I was exhausted and firmly ashamed of myself for not being able to be more patient.  I kept thinking today that I would want someone to be more patient and supportive of me when I am unable to get myself around comfortably, at least more so than I am able to be for her lately.  Seriously, Universe, please help me to be a better person.

Then, I had to stop at the market because there is not much food around here and I was totally dreading it, knowing how likely it was that I would buy all kinds of inappropriate stuff.  I mostly did fine, with lots of supportive self-talk and reminding myself that I will be traveling a bit over the next three weeks and that everything is going to be fine and 'no' I do not need that cake or those chewy rolls or that frozen pizza or even the chocolate covered strawberries in the produce department.  Really, baby, those strawberries need to stay right there, really they do.  It's O.K., put them back, you will be fine.  Really.  You will.

So, I went and got some meat and green peppers, cottage cheese, a few boxes of those low-calorie frozen meal things, eyeliner, cat food, more cat food and on the way to the checkout, I grabbed two cartons of ice cream.  Granted, they are the little 14 ounce-ers, but they are each a freaking 14 ounces!  Lordy.

I put them back.  Then turned back and took three, turned again, put two back, turned once more and took one of them and finally checked-out.  The interesting part, you know, aside from the total lack of self-control part, is that the four people in front of me were buying only alcohol.  Three customers buying cases of beer and the guy right in front of me with a bottle of whiskey.  I had the audacity to think to myself, hey, do you need any booze?  I stayed in line, but just barely.

Dinner was a half-hour ago and it was one of the cartons of ice cream.  I am wallowing in shame, spiralling in waves of shame and then I realize that it is only just a carton of ice cream.  It is dairy and it had lots of fruit in it, and for the moment I am in denial about the sugar, although the eggs could redeem this a bit.  It really could have been worse.  I could have chowed down on so many other things and whilst there is still another ice cream in the freezer, I think that my melty fail just now is not the end of the world, much less the end of me.

I will have my meat, salad and vegetables tomorrow for dinner.  I will choose healthy options when my daughter and I are out for lunch tomorrow.  I will have fun at church and with the babies and this is just a minor setback.

And, I will stay out of the market because I saw that those chips in the can, the salt and vinegar ones, are on sale and, well, I will just stay out of the market.

GP.  Simple, although I think a few more hearts might be in order.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 34

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  Subway, roast beef and a bowl of soup
Dinner:  Tuna salad sandwich, a cup or so of chips, hardboiled egg, cup or so of pineapple

So, this breakfast, the not having any has to stop.  I feel hunger when I awake, but it is gone by the time I am up and moving around, feeding the cats and going you know where.

It is supposed to be the most important meal of the day, breaking the overnight fast and all that.  I just kind of forget about it.  Not good.  Gotta stop.  Make the effort.  Eat something, dammit.

Slow day at the gallery, which was nice, as I was able to finish my library book and can get a new one when I go in tomorrow for a special session with a client.  She does not want her current employer to know that she is looking for a new job, totally understandable, especially if the new position does not work out.  Normally, even this sort of a kinder-gentler sort of subterfuge would bother me and I would be wishing that she had kept that information to herself, but if she had, I would not have been able to suggest a Saturday appointment.

It means that I will have to give up my afternoon with a friend, but this seems more important, particularly since her current work and future plans are with disadvantaged persons.  That speaks to my heart and the work that I do, making this a noble effort for both of us.  Crafting what she needs will be easy, because she has qualifications upon qualifications and those are stacked atop the energy and knowledge she brings to her work.  It is very satisfying to work with someone like her.  Oh yeah, everyone needs a job and deserves to have one worthy of them, but this kind of expansion into the realms of serious public service, even though it brings a paycheck with it, is worth whatever it takes to help someone.

One of my other clients stopped in to visit.  He is of an entirely different type of person, both in the work he would like to do and how he seems to be doing his best to avoid actually getting an actual job.  He showed up with a haircut, of the stunning and wonderful kind and told me that he is serious about making his life better, so it looks like we will be working together again.  The person who cut his hair, however, did a not so great job and when he shows up next week, we will step outside and I will trim and try to fix the small mess the stylist made in the back of his head.  Yeah, we run an all-inclusive-services kind of operation there.

Those two are one of the reasons that I proposed this service to our library and have kept on doing it for two years.  I hope to do it for as long as it is needed, which, Universe willing, will not be forever.

Dear kind and loving Universe, people need jobs, so if there is anything you can do about it, I would be so appreciative.

I have finished three bath wash cloths for the babies.  Two are the half-sized and ribbed ones, and I started a fish-shaped one at knitting club on Wednesday, finished it today at the gallery and an half-way into the second one.  The babies and I will be making bathtub soap paints next week and then they can take a bath with those and their new wash cloths.  I stopped at a tiny variety kind of store on my way home from the city tonight and bought a couple of crochet hooks so that I can make nice, loopy hangers for them, and was looking around at all the lovely yarns and found some more cotton yarn.  Huge surprise, but I bought some, only two balls, in colors that I think the babies might like.

I also found, on-line, patterns for knitting letter and initials into a cloth, and will go back when I have used up the yarns I have now and am feeling more confident about this whole knitting thing and get some solid colors so that I can make some with their initials.  Might make some for mommy and daddy, too.

I used to knit.  It is sort of like the whole shooting thing, I did it long ago, then more recently and am wanting to do it now.  Again.  It is fun.  It keeps me busy when I am feeling too exhausted to do anything else.  I am making cool and useful stuff.  If I start to feel hungry, I pick up the needles and yarn and keep my hands occupied.  And, it is pretty darn cheap.  But, the best part is staying busy and doing something useful when I am unable to do anything else and can at least manage the needles and yarn.  I know that it is stupid, but it helps me to feel like less of a waste of ectoplasm, you know?

I am feeling like a waste where all my crap is concerned.  I have divested myself of so much stuff and yet I still feel burdened.  I have to keep going and become more ruthless with this.  Someone who is not me continues to take things out of the garbage and charity boxes and squirrel it away somewhere, but I am getting more clever.  I have again begun just keeping an eye on things and then packing them in a box and taking it immediately out of the house and to the charity shops when I have the time and energy to do so.  I still have nearly a couple thousand books to get rid of.  Just shameful.

I was thinking, only thinking, about hiring one of those pack-em-up-and-haul-it-out places to come in when I am away and take everything.  I have even thought it through to the part about how I could take the essentials, like some art stuff, my favorite sewing machine, some clothes, my toiletries, and a few books and stuff like that and putting it all in one room and then just letting those guy have their way with everything else.  I would still want my bed and the computer and some furniture left, and suppose I could label those big things or something.

It would be like having some kind of natural disaster coming along and taking everything away and leaving a clean slate.  That is very appealing, especially since I have so much stuff and have been doing this for a freaking year and a half.  Something has to give and I think that it is going to be me just packing shit and releasing it into the ether or something.  

I wonder if anyone else has done something like that and how it worked for her/him. 

Anyway, it is kind of exhilarating to think about and I just might do it or something similar.

Or not.  Cripes.  I am just so sick and tired of this whole stuff stuff.  I mean, am I serious about being healthier or not?

Someone told me that reading about my efforts towards a healthier life was helpful to her, that it inspired and encouraged her.  Frankly, I think that it is more likely that it makes her feel better because she is not nearly as fucked up as I am.  Yeah, I am pretty positive about that.

GP.  Bluebodies.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 30

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  A frozen low-calorie dinner thing, chicken (I think it was chicken, hard to tell), rice, carrot shreds, peas and some lemony or lemon-like sauce
Dinner:  Two hot dogs, buns, brown mustard, jalapeno, dill pickle slices, cherries

I was surprised to not be hungry this morning, given the single glass of wine that I had for dinner.  I guess the bacchanalia that was lunch kept me going.  Granted, lunch yesterday was all pretty healthy, and not huge portions, but there was a stunning variety of smaller bits of this and that.  Still, skipping breakfast is not a good idea.   The frozen thing for lunch was a left-over from when I was buying only frozen things because I was so disgusted about wasting so much food.

Speaking of which, I bought only two smoked pork chops last week and still tossed one of them, along with some cauliflower, iceberg, and a half each of onion and zucchini.  Man.

So, now that a month has passed, I am wondering what healthy eating, as in life-long food is going to be.

I am thinking about adding a couple of foods to my regular schedule.  Well, it is not exactly a schedule, but I am trying so very hard to not use the word diet, you know?

Anyway, I am thinking about the following foods.

Hard cooked eggs - You can eat them on the run, they travel well, they are cheap and, most importantly, I like them.  It may be that I like them too much, which is why I have started to cook them several times and just stopped myself.  Since this is partly about learning new portion control stuff, I should at least give them a try.  If it turns out that I eat all six at a single sitting  (And, that could really happen), then this is probably not such a good idea.  But, I should at least try it.  It would be great for the long days at work when I have not given any advance thought to what to take for lunch.

Nuts - I like nuts, all nuts, especially those that are high in fat, like macadamia and pine.  If I stick to walnuts, almonds and peanuts, I should be fine.  They are also good travelers and keep well.  Not cheap, though.  I always take them along on trips, but never really thought about daily or occasional use here at home.


Nut butters - I have been looking for those individual portion size packs of peanut butter, but despite assurances that they are on the next truck, they never seem to be on the shelf at the two markets where I usually shop.  I have a 35 year old Salton peanut butter machine around here, somewhere.  It is a stunningly simple machine.  Just a plastic housing for an electric powered grinder.  Easy to use, easy to clean, just need to find it and buy nuts and grind them and find tiny containers in which to put the butters and then remember to make some whole grain crackers and then actually take them along with me.  Should be a snap.

Chickpeas - Now, you cannot eat the dried ones, nor can you eat them right out of the can (shudder), but you can drain the canned ones, toss them with spices like turmeric, chili powder, garlic powder, spicy paprika, salt, pepper, or any combination, spread out on a pan and roast them until they get dry and a little crispy on the outsides.  They do not keep long, about a week in the refrigerator, but they are cheap and easy to tote around. 

Looking at that list, it is all about the protein, which is good, because protein-rich foods are excellent for the whole diabetes thing.  I am digressing, but I just ordered refills on the three meds I take, and the diabetes med is the only one that did not triple in price.  One of them is now more than $150 per refill.  Yikes!

So, anyway, I still almost always have crispy apples in the house for taking along.  Sometimes a bell pepper or two.  I just planted two tomato plants last night.  A Roma and a Black Krim.  The rhubarb is doing very well, especially since it has not yet been trampled this year.  I am going to try to sneak in some bell pepper and chili plants in between the bushes at the front of the house and maybe some green beans where the magic iris grow.  Those things will help with easy to grab and eat foods, as well.  

I will have to use Google to find more to help diversify what I am eating.  I am kind of wondering if my recent fails have something to do with not enough variety.  The only problem with variety is waste.  Just trading one issue for another.

I have pretty much given up on Weight Watchers.  By the time I figured out what I was going to do, I had lost interest.  I suspect that I might still give it a try, but not likely until this project is over.  I know that I could benefit from some kind of structure and guidance.  It is just that they are so disorganized over there, no one person seems to know about all of the financial stuff and I have had to cobble the stuff together for myself.  That said, I still think that I would find something helpful within a group dynamic of some kind, but I need to find some people who are less messed up than I am.  Should be a snap.  Ack.

What else.  I think that I have a solution for the lunch-going-out-for-problems with my ss friend.  I am going to propose that we alternate choosing a place to eat each time we get together.  I never really got into the problems we encounter each time I take her somewhere, but this should be a good solution for that problem.  This one should not be a snap, but it might be forward movement, especially if I intentionally choose places that she would not like to go.

Then, there would not be the whole changing her mind issue on the drive to wherever she initially chose, which, in actuality, turns into the drive to hell and no place in particular.  It is mean of me to do it this way, but every other way, advance planning, menus, letting her always choose, discussing, discussing and discussing it...until I just want to grab a fork and stab myself...might become a distant and less-heartbreaking memory.  I am willing to be mean in the desire to hold on to the remaining shreds of my sanity.

O.K., I just reread this next part and I have no idea where it came from or what it is doing in my head.  It is like this overwhelming heaviness just dropped down on me and brought a whole shitload of sadness with it.  So, I am going to make it really tiny so that no one reads it.  I would delete it, but it seems to be needing expression, you know?  For any hapless person who stumbles on this, just ignore me.  Ahhh, better.  You know, I am really not such a downer person.  Really.  It is true.  I swear.


One last thing is safe to share here because I am the only person who ever comes here and reads this dreck.  I mean, I wish that I could say even a bit of this to my friends, but, honestly, no one wants you to ever change or to share this sort of thing.  They just do not want to hear it.  Ever.
I am sorry for no longer being the person that you want me to be.  It is too difficult to always be the girl in who's world it is always high noon, the sun is always shining, the birds are singing and the unicorns are eating wildflowers and pooping rainbows.  It is too hard.  
It is also too hard to be the person that makes everyone laugh, soothes hurt or injured feelings and mediates between the rest of you.  I am not Switzerland.  I cannot do it anymore.  Well, maybe I can once in a while, but I cannot be that ray of eternal bliss and bandages that makes everything nice.  Not anymore.  You can want it, but I am no longer able to do it.
The truth is that I am sad, sad about a lot of things.  I might even be in a medium or serious depression.  There are parts of my life that are totally not wonderful.  My sadness is legitimate.  You are not the only ones who get to share the crap about your lives.  I am not the only method of transportation for those of you who have chosen to not spend your money on cars or bus passes or taxicabs, preferring to use that money for travel, fancy restaurants and travel.  
And, you, you in particular, if I have to listen to you tell me how much money you have saved over the past forty years by not having a car, whilst I am driving you all over the kingdom so that you can do your errands in the city where you live, which is a forty-five minute drive from the city where I live, and doing it on my day off, well, I do not know what I might do, but it certainly would not be driving you all over the damn place.
I am not anyone's ray of sunshine,  I am a busy person who has problems of my own, but you do not want to hear that, preferring only smiles, jokes and happy stories, and I understand that you have come to expect that from me. 
I have pulled back from a relatively significant number of my volunteer jobs.  I am not calling or calling on most of you, even my family, been staying home a lot, trying to be well or at least the kinds of not-well that I have been for months now.  I have cleared the decks, so to speak, and am coming back a bit. 
It is just that I am coming back as a bit of a different person.  You might not like me as much; I am not so happy-go-lucky and carefree.  But, I like myself better this way, I think I do, I think I could.  And, I am not sure where this came from all of a sudden.  Whatever.  So be it.

I do have a GP, but it is kind of weird.  It was supposed to be another coffee thing, but something happened.

Not just weird, kind of creepy, too.  Wonder what it is saying about my internal process

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 29

Breakfast:  Eggs, 4 strips of pre-cooked bacon (yes, I am lazy on top of everything else), 4 squared of chocolate
Lunch: A lot of wonderful food, but slightly too much of it, at one of those really good buffet places.
Dinner:  Glass of red wine to help wash down the shame of lunch

I am doing this differently today.  Since I am not doing anything useful, I thought that I would write this in segments, as drafts are allowed here.  That is one of the things I most like about Google.  Whatever the product, you can always save in draft form.

So, anyway, I am just about to get ready to take one of my ss women to lunch.  I have limited these excursions to three hours, but she drags them out for at least an additional hour, which is still much better than the usual six to twelve hours she prefers.  I feel exceptionally mean about making these time restrictions.  She has only one other friend.  That friend is often cross and impatient with her, but if you have only just the two friends and one of them (me) has other things scheduled during the week, the one that is left is still your only other friend.

Now, with this time thing, I am going to be one of her cross and impatient friends, too, I guess.  I do not want to be that kind of friend.  It sucks to be that kind of friend.  But, I have to be, otherwise I would never have any time for myself.  This friend, today's friend, would prefer that I pick her up and take her places two or three times a week, not for appointments or anything, but just for social contact.  If I were not responsible for three other people just like her, I might be willing to do that.  But, I cannot, I simply cannot do all of that.  I can squeeze three such visits/trips into a week, but they cannot be all for one person.

Besides, none of the four people for whom I do this is willing to just go to the park and sit or take a lunch from home.  They are not interested in going to a mall or some other public place and just sitting and talking.  They all want to eat out and go shopping.  They can afford it, I cannot.  What they cannot do is to drive themselves.  For that they need me.  Well, I hope that they need and want me for more than that, but the truth is that I am not sure that it is for anything more than the driving aspect.  Even if that is so, I can still do this with one of them during the week.  Whilst I can often manage to avoid spending anything when they shop, it is nearly impossible to avoid having to fork out money at a restaurant, and it is absolutely impossible for me to take food from home along.  I try to eat before I leave to fetch them so that I will not arrive someplace and be ravenous, and then find the least expensive thing on the menu, but it still adds up.

I have no idea where she wants to go today.  She want to surprise me.  Yeah, she is sweet like that and looks to make these outings fun for me, too.  She buys a coupon book every year from some non-profit organization and likes to use those things to try new restaurants.  One of them, last month, was a hour and a half drive away, but it turned out to be one of the best places we have ever been.

Off to have fun!

It is official.  I totally suck at having a backbone.  I do and it is time that I just gave in and admitted it.  No freaking backbone, and to illustrate how that is, today's three hour lunch just ended at seven and a half hours.  It included a trip to a medium box store, where I found heirloom Roma tomatoes and a Black Krim.  Both are strong and sturdy and double-stemmed plants and are in the ground and awaiting a nice, deep watering in the morning.  Yeah, even people without backbones know not to water this close to nighttime.

As for the three hour limit on taking someone out, I really do give up.  I will save it for the times when I really cannot afford a minute more, as well as limiting these excursions to once every other week. 

So, I am wondering what the friendship of some of the people in my life means and where those relationships are going, if they are going anywhere.  The one who screwed me over is pretty much history.  We will still have to see each other at the gallery, but the connection is severed, at least on my end.  Frankly, if he could treat me like he did, there never existed any kind of relationship between us.  All in all, no loss for him and only some residual sadness for me.

And, today's friend, the older woman that I take places, well, what is that all about anyway.  I have to decided if I really am her friend and how I am going to accept who she is and just get the hell over myself.  I can do that.

Today's GP is an angel, just in case you cannot figure out what it is.

Yes, this really is an angel!

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 28

Breakfast:  Eggs, bacon
Lunch:  Roast beef, green beans, fudge frozen thing, 2 squares of a Lindt bar
Dinner:  Roast beef, brussels sprouts

Back on track, I guess.  Last night's bout with frantic and emotional eating in response to sad stuff was significant enough to cause me to be bloated today and I cannot tell if my face is fatter or just filled with guilt-fluids or something.  Tomorrow is lunch out with one of my ss women.  She is my most challenging one, so the chances are excellent that I will have another self-control fail in the realm of food consumption.

I am not handling stress well this week.  I cannot find what factor or aspect is different, but something is not the same. I have lost my equilibrium.  I think that sadness, loss and disappointment might be the source, but that really bothers me because I want to, need to, am desperate to get rid of all of that crap.  You know, my self-esteem or feelings of worth just have to stop being influenced by the crappy stuff that happens, because that stuff is always going to happen and I just cannot use it to defeat myself. 

Oh, man, I would love, like really and truly love to put the responsibility for all of this on someone else.  You know, like the crap distributors.  But, if were not me as the honored recipient, it would be someone else and to take it personally is just pointless.  Except that when someone says that you should not take it personally that is just more crap, because it is all personal.  I just wish that when someone gives you their word, that it actually meant something, that you could hold and trust that they mean what they say, what they promise, what they assure and insist is the truth and that you can trust them.

The truth is that trusting anyone is an exercise in heartbreak and disappointment, but mostly heartbreak.  I never break my work,  never promise or assure something and then go back on it.  Really, if we do not have our word, the sanctity and honor of holding and keeping what we say, then we do not have anything.  Still, to be upset, to be hurt by this is childish and immature in every way.  I wonder if anyone can be trusted, really.

Oh, well, my task for the next week is to grow up.

I finished buying the last few items for my end of season gift for my mentee today, on the way home from coffee with my friends.  I know that she is going to like the art supplies that I have pulled together for her, but she will not be nearly as thrilled as I am to share them with her.  Art and crafts has been the way to connect with her.  We have already talked about what we will do together when school begins in the fall.  We will do art every fourth session/visit and will play games or something the rest of the time.  She is going to think about what those other activities will be, during her summer break. 

Her mother's birthday is coming up soon and we will be making her a card this week.  She decorated a picture frame for her this week, and the card will complete the gift.  I have all kinds of stickers, markers, ribbons and embellishments from which she can choose.  It is going to be fun and I will miss seeing her during the next few months.  Although, it will be nice to have an extra day free for noodling around or sleeping late or just wasting any way I like.

Back to the sad stuff, but I am so disappointed in how circular my life is.  I manage to take a tiny step forward in my life and then slide back several paces.  There is some thing that I need to learn before I can even hope to have decent progress in my life. 

Why I am so dense that I cannot see any part of what that might be? 

Is it right here, close to me, at my side, breathing on me and I am not seeing it?  What is it?  Do I need more silence and a quiet heart to recognize it?  What is it; what do you want from me?

Oh, and yesterday was day 27.

GP, because I can.  It is a fields drawing, but it feels like vectors.  Hell, what do I know.  Yeah, I guess it is fields.

Dear Diary

O.K., I pulled up my big girl panties and thought that I was fine, but I am not.  More action from that friend that fucked me over last week.  I am so sad.  I feel kind of weepy, but not like actually crying.  My heart hurts too much to allow any liquid to escape.

If I could cry I might be able to get beyond this.  Maybe I am not sad enough to shed any tears.  Maybe I am not surprised enough to be as upset as I think I should be.  But, it is not as though I have so many friends to not miss having one of them.

Fine.  What am I, 12 freaking years old?  Lordy.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 20

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch:  Huge salad, greens, vegetables, little bit of roast beef, no dressing
Dinner:  Crab legs, broccoli, 4 pieces of sushi, some pickled ginger, some wasabi

I did fairly well, considering the cravings that yesterday's first two meals brought.  I guess that I cannot eat off plan without paying some kind of consequences.  I am fine now, but slipping like that kind of scares me now.  I am being foolish, even for me, but I was thinking during dinner that maybe even a little bit of the right-now-wrong-foods might make me stroke out or something, especially this early in the whole weight loss thing because getting to reasonable health is a long way away.  I did not want this to be about losing weight, although becoming healthier hinges on exactly that.

I have to wonder why the concept and admitting that shedding some serious poundage is what I need to do and why I am so reluctant to just own up to that.  It does not help that two things, one last evening and one today, reminded me that I am just one, ugly person.  I guess I must have been feeling too self assured there for a few moments and forgot that.  For some reason, I need to keep reminding myself lately.  Should not be so hard.


I still need to sleep, although I wonder how possible it is to catch up on lost sleep, even in the very short term, like over a few days.  I think that I read that lost sleep cannot ever be regained by sleeping more or longer on subsequent days/nights.  It makes sense.  Not like a bank account or anything.

Speaking of which, my credit card company bumped me up to a higher level of membership, or whatever they call it, and sent me a new card, with an extended renewal date.  Cool.  Except I never received the new card and found out that it was all messed up when I called them for something else and was reminded that I had never activated the new card.  Uh, what new card?  Then the explanation, then the explaining that it was a security issue and now, on a long, holiday weekend, I am without a credit card because I authorized them to cancel the current one, create a new card number and overnight the new one to me.  The account stays the same, everything carries over, so no problems there.  But, with the holiday, the chances are excellent that the new card will arrive next week.  Still no problem, but I and my CC company are wondering what happened to the other one.

One funny thing from my conversation with their representative, or whatever they are called :), happened when she was explaining my options.  One was to do the cancel and reissue, one was to hold on until next week to do it and the third was, "Well, the other option is for you to activate the card you never received."  I started laughing and had to tell her why.  O.K., tiny, lame joke, but it still is funny to me.  Wonder what happened to that card?

I made reservations for three more day trips, which is how this whole thing with the CC started.  They are little excursions to fairly interesting places, but the main focus and energy for me is that I will be out of town and out of contact for three, lovely days over the next month or so.  Paradise.  Bliss.  And, I did not have to be left behind during the Rapture to experience being left alone.  Like I said, bliss.

Well, off to look at a few web sites, bother some people and an early bedtime, hopefully to pretend that I am catching up on all of that lost sleep.  Oh, and I am feeling better health-wise.  Less ear pain, less coughing, less goo clogging up/coming out of me.  More bliss.


Today does have a GP.  It is a thunderbird.