100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 60

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch:  Frozen chicken pecan thing, 8 ounce can of pineapple, cuppy thing of applesauce
Dinner:  Japanese

Busy day at work, and less time than usual for lunch, so that was wolfed down posthaste.  Two less than sane clients, but both are harmless.  It is just so frustrating to know that there are always going to be people that I am unable to help.  One of them is now convinced that she can get a job that requires specific certification without having to actually take the training and pass the certification testing.  I did not even try to disavow her of that notion.  It would have made absolutely no difference, and so I saved myself the heartbreak of trying to help her with this hurdle.  I know that she will be back and I know how unlikely it is that I will be able to help her then. 

I was able to go to fiber club after and finally finished the tiny sweater.  I crocheted a nice collar on it and finally gave up with half of the top row to do because I simply could not see those teeny stitches.  I left early to get home and detoured to my favorite place and had a quick and satisfying dinner.  No extras, no fruit for dessert, no tea, nothing, just an entree and I was out of there.  I wanted to stop at the pharmacy on the way home, but sort of crashed and by the time I got here I was done, and well done at that. 

Straight to bed.  And, just my luck at trying to post during the changes.  Not sure I like all of them, but it is pointless to worry about something over which I have no control...just like everything else.  Rats, the location thingy is broken.  Great.

There must be a GP in here someplace.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 49

Breakfast:  2 breakfast sandwiches
Lunch:  Some kind of ravioli with goat cheese, herbs and a pale pink sauce, 2 slices of a baguette
Dinner:  Caramel apple with nuts, some Pringles
Snacks:  Fruit ice cream, chocolate dipped, several samples of salsa, fruit donut, fruit daiquiri

Today was all non-home food.  I think that the caramel apple has done me in, because I can barely stay awake.  So, this will be short and sweet...fruit festival pun!

Early day, lots of fun and plenty of butter and fruity olive oil on my bread.  The village had several shops dedicated to European countries.  One was Irish and I bought truly cool  family heraldic things for someone who is not me, some cool toys and name pictures for the babies and a necklace for me, which I promptly deconstructed to free the two elements that I wanted from it.  Shortly after that, we saw a sign for daiquiris of the festival fruit, which we had.  It was a cool place and we decided to return for lunch, which was amazing, even though the waitperson brought me the wrong thing. 

After that we wandered around, visiting shops, sampling an stunning array of salsas (one of which had a delayed effect and left me sweating, a habanero mixture that really was not all that hot to begin), buying small gifts and listening to music.  At one area there were musicians that are likely to have little work other than festivals and another area featuring a group that would have kept us sitting and listening for hours, which we did not have.

I really, really wanted an ear of freshly roasted corn, but lunch filled us and ice cream bars freshly dipped in dark chocolate finished us off.  So, no corn for me, or anything else for that matter.

When I arrived home, I found that one of my friends had bought a caramel apple and slipped it into my bag.  You know, strictly in the spirit of being a good friend, it only made sense to have it for dinner.  Now I need a serious nap, and I am guessing that it will be only a few more minutes before I fall asleep.  I wonder what my blood sugar level is.  Lordy.

It was a nice day.  I am glad that I went and I think it might be worth a return next year.  And, it involved walking nearly all of the time, like six hours of trekking around.  No wonder I am tired.

Another GP heart. 

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 39

Breakfast:  Creamy, dreamy, perfectly over-easy eggs, small hard roll, sliced in three layers, buttered and sprinkled with truffle salt
Lunch:  Herb mix greens, about 4 oz. diced beef (more leftovers), 1 medium tomato, splosh of vinaigrette
Dinner:  Japanese

When I was at the bakery yesterday, picking up some of their yummy cookies to take for my anniversary treat at the library, I bought six of their wonderful, tiny hard rolls.  If they were less plate-tectonic-y and all flaky on the outside and less chewy in the inside, they would probably be a few bites for the average person.  But, unless you live near to the city that is near to where I live, you may never have the privilege of enjoying them.  They go all hard and impossible to eat in two days, but were perfect this morning for dunking into the warm, luscious yolks, and that bit of truffle salt, oh gosh, it is just the best way to start the day.

I knew that it would be a long day with many challenges.  Weird how I know how the day will go like that, and I am never wrong.  If I sense that it will be an easy day, with at least one no-show and no bummed out clients, I plan on what I will do to catch up on all of that work that really never gets done.  Last week was like that...or was it the week before...no matter.  I knew last night that today was going to be one of those days where I would likely miss lunch and have to work late.  I am not sure that I like knowing, but it is what it is.

Anyway, I did not get home until 10:00 and can hardly stay awake to write.  Barely three hours of sleep because it was so freaking hot in here.  Outside, it was perfect sleeping weather.  Cool, but not too cool, with a nice breeze, a precursor to today's bluster, but last night it was lovely.  Unfortunately, the heat was set to 80 degrees and I could not find relief anywhere.  I was about to go sleep in the car when I finally found a small fan. 

This is nuts, and I have to find a small, window unit air conditioner that I am able to lift into the damn window.  We have central air, but, as I am constantly reminded, no matter how hot it is during the day, it mostly gets cooler when the sun goes down, even if it is only a few degrees, and since it does get cooler (by some definition on another planet maybe?), it makes sense to turn the furnace on and bring the temperature up and over what it is outside.  I swear, if the heat in here does not fry my brain I am going to stab myself until I lose consciousness.  I really, really will.  I swear.

So, anyway, I love, love and truly love the juvenile rabbits.  They are so cute and so funny.  One of them is hanging around the rhubarb and the storybook aspect of that pleases me so much.  He sits just under the canopy of one of the large, outer leaves and thinks that he is invisible.  If I make a move in any direction when he is on the lawn, munching on the stuff the birds toss off of the feeding stations, he freezes.  I stop.  I can see his eyes darting to the side, either tracking me or looking for an escape route.  There have been times when the two of us just stayed in place for more than ten minutes.  If I stay still, he will go back to chowing down and if I move again, he takes off into the rhubarb patch.  I sort of hate to begin harvesting there and ruin his domain.

Tonight, when I rounded the back of the house, he was sitting, chewing something, out there in the open and the drizzle.  I really had to use the bathroom, so I moved forward sooner than usual and he took off.  Or, she.  He/she is not telling.

I am so tired that I would love to indulge in some serious crankiness, but it was a wonderful day, full of really cool, interesting and dear clients.  The Walmart woman showed up and brought her mother along to meet me.  I managed to make the designs and images she wanted and still had time to join knitting club for an hour.  I stopped at the Japanese place and had a wonderful dinner, not too much, not too little...just right.  Off to find something to wash down an antihistamine, but first, a word from our GP.  More nested hearts.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 33

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  Tater Tots, chocolate
Dinner:  Bag of salad, kind of large tomato, salad dressing

The Tots were eaten over several hours, a whole plate, as in an actual plate, of them.  They are just as good cold as when piping hot from the oven, or at least pretty close.  When I finished them, I had some 86% cocoa mass chocolate, and some lemonade that I made from frozen lemon juice and Splenda.

I am trying to keep a decent perspective about this eating thing, but I really should be ashamed of how badly I eat some days.  Even I know that I have to create and follow a more balanced and reasonable way of eating, you know, like a decent diet, for crying out loud. 

You know, I go to the store and I look at all the food and try to buy stuff that I will actually eat and that will not, ultimately, get tossed into the garbage because I am too tired and tired out to cook the damn stuff.  There is still too much waste going on around here.  It is not like I have a ton of money and a complete lack of conscience that would facilitate not feeling so freaking guilty about all of this.

I need to buy food.  I need to eat it.  It is as simple as that.  And, yet, it is not.  It is supremely difficult and complicated to do.  I think that is why, heck, I know that it is why I am eating out several times each week.  I know that there is not any reasonably easy to cook food at home and so I go to a restaurant and have a nice, healthy meal and it satisfies me because I know that there will not be any waste.  If I stop at the market, there is an excellent chance that I will be too exhausted to actually cook what I have just bought by the time I get home and drag myself and everything else into the house.  This totally sucks.

I tried buying just frozen stuff, like meals and parts of meals, things that are already cooked and just need heating in the microwave.  I guess that is how the Tater Tots got into the freezer.

Unfortunately, there is not all that much in the realm of frozen foods that are as healthy as anyone, especially old and diabetic me, would prefer.  More than a month ago I bought a package of pre-formed beef patties.  All you have to do is to take one of the things out of the bag and cook it in a frying pan.  You do not even have to thaw them, just grab them frozen.  Seriously, that is all you have to do.  I think that you can also broil them or bake them in the oven, but those things are more steps than I can handle most days.

I have a pound of asparagus in the refrigerator right now.  I have, probably, two more days before I will have to trash it and all I have to do to eat them is to wash, snap the end, pop into a roasting pan, sprinkle and roll them around in a bit of olive oil, sprinkle with salt and bake them for a half hour.  As simple as that is, they are still likely to be tossed.  That is how little energy I have.  I can sit here and type.  I can rest and read.  But, that is all that I can manage most days here at home.  I am busy enough on my out-of-the-house days that I need the opportunity to rest and gather my strength.  Man, even to me that sounds so pathetic and excuse-laden.

I have to fix this.  I have to figure out a way to eat properly, not waste food and to spend as little as possible.  I just have to figure this out.  Even today was supposed to be a day of catching up and that seemed like it might happen after a neighbor cancelled our lunch plans.  But, it was just another day of feeling crappy, so I did very little and tried very hard to not take a nap.  Which, I did not.  Maybe I should go back to my doctor and throw myself on her mercy and ask for happy drugs or, hell, I do not know how to properly explain how tired I am all the time, much less figure out how to ask for help.

So, there is nothing left except Guilty Pleasure.  Shell Game.  I like the colors.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 25

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch:  Salad, 3 old chicken wing parts (over-microwaved), a couple of pecan halves, a couple of tiny, tumbled carrots
Dinner:  2 dollar menu chicken sandwiches (jalapenos added at home), small fries

Good grief, a quarter of the way through.  If I were not already feeling and seeing changes, for the better by the way, in my body, I think that I would be discouraged with so little time left.  I know that I am invested in making life-long changes and that I did not gain all of the tonnage in a few months, but I am a bit discouraged.  Not much, just a little.

Still walking without my cane and I actually felt confident tooling around work today.  I must have made a dozen or more trips to various parts of the building.  I still took the elevator between floors, often enviously watching other people take the stairs.  Too much bone-on-bone in my knees and hip to be able to navigate them quickly enough to stay out of the way of people who can use them with ease.

I remember thinking, during one of those waiting for the elevator moments that I will be able to fly up and down in another month or so, then remembering that that is simply not going to happen for me, not with these joints. 

The fiber babes met again at the end of the day.  I have been wanting to take on knitting again, so this is the perfect opportunity.  I am the second last person with experience, but did not feel intimidated by the skill levels of the other women.  I took out my cotton yarn and my number 4 needles and cast on for a wash cloth.  I made it halfway and will finish it at the gallery on Friday and begin a second one.

I decided that it was so cute that it and the second one could be for my grandbabies.  I just bought them Cars strawberry shampoo and we will be making bath paints next week.  With the wash cloths, they will be set to go.  I thought about making some swirled soap in the colors of the yarn, but quickly abandoned the idea.  Just too tired to mess with lye.

I scheduled an extra session with a client for tomorrow morning, and, huge surprise, have been invited to lunch at the Japanese restaurant.  I might not go, just have to see how the energy develops tomorrow.

What else...nothing.  I am tired and going to bed.  Watched the De Niro, Edward Norton film, Stone tonight.  Very film noir, but really, ponderous.  I liked it, sort of, decent acting, mostly, and Norton is as mesmerizing to watch as ever, but it seemed full of lost opportunities.  Or, I am just too tired and did not get any of it.  Probably the latter.  Maybe not. 

I am hungry.  My feet hurt.

I think this is the last stockpiled GP. 

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 13

Breakfast:  Eggs, toast, butter
Lunch:  Subway foot-long, roast beef on whole grain (not so sure that it really is, you know?) bun/roll, spinach, green peppers, mild peppers, tomato, cucumber
Mid-afternoon:  My tummy was rumbling and the second half of that sandwich was happy to provide relief
Dinner:  2 ears of corn, butter, salt

I had intended to have the sandwich be lunch and dinner, but I ate the second half at around 4:30, and then just had the corn; it is after 8:30.  So, more food than I planned or wanted to have, but it is what it is.  I bought the corn and some other groceries on the way home from the gallery.  I have a nice rib steak, salad stuff, a couple of apples, blueberries, a nice as in really nice cauliflower and those artichokes from Sunday's shopping.  Oh, and the rest of the turkey necks. 

I have to say that shopping when hungry is not supposed to be a great idea, and it was doubly so today.  Every lovely, refined carb in the store called my name.  They had a special on dark chocolate pound cake, and those crazy muffins with the cheese and jalapenos.  I actually looked at the ice cream section and dairy makes me, you know.

It was not such a good day and I suppose that contributed to my yearnings at the store tonight.  Two people stopped in, regulars and one is a good friend, the other is a crazy guy that is a doctor who does not practice medicine anymore, and for very good reasons.  The friend is using me and I would rather just not be a friend anymore than address the issue.  Totally the coward's way out, but it is the best I can manage, at least whilst I am still sick.  The insane doctor blew in, paced and ranted, insulted the gallery owner (a truly dear friend) and blew out.  Good thing, because I was this close to opening the door and thanking him for dropping by.  All right, I would not have done that, but I was thinking about it in my head and enjoying it very much.  A very satisfying fantasy.

I no longer want to be the person who makes nice and makes everything fine for the crazy people.  Hell, I am crazy enough in my own right and no one does that for me.  It does not help that most of my craziness stays in my head, fueling my exceptionally rich fantasy life, but that is beside the point.  I am fairly certain that if I manifested my inner, firmly straight-jacked self that, first, no would would believe it, mostly, and secondly, no one would cut my any slack and make all nice and fine for me.  I am pretty certain of that.  I am.

So, subjecting myself to the grocery store was a big mistake.  I knew it as soon as I walked through the doorway.  I got what I needed and avoided all the good stuff that I really wanted, even some dark chocolate.  That I caved on my way to the checkout and bought the corn is bothersome, but, really, it could have been worse.  At least the corn was good.  And buttery and salty.  Good.

I am going to bed right after I finish this because my goo kept me up again last night.

I am too tired to make a GP, so will use one of the ones I made yesterday.  It is named Cream in my coffee:

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 12

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch: Toast, butter, turkey necks
Dinner: Small thing of yogurt

I sort of crashed today.  Too much stuff on two busy days.  Man, this should not knock the beans out of me like this.  I coughed, gagged and hacked all night.  How anyone got any rest here is a mystery.  My guess is that I got the most, but I am not asking because I do not want to be chided for disturbing everyone.  The cats do not care because it got me up early and they had their breakfast early.

I had just the eggs this morning because I figured that the protein would have more staying power whilst it decayed  digested in my gut.  Lunch rolled around, despite my dozing and resting, and by the time I was hungry enough to get up, I discovered that I had never put the turkey necks on to roast.

Now.  Turkey necks.  One of my all-time comfort foods.  The market chops them into 3-inch lengths, and put in a pan, sprinkled with a little salt, and roasted at 425 degrees for about an hour, they are little hunks of chewy delight.  They are so good.  They are also the kind of food that you never, ever can eat in front of anyone else.  Well, the cats do not mind because they get their own share, but other humans simply do not want to watch another human bite, tear, chew, suck and gnaw on those bony bits of heaven.

Anyway, they did not get bitten, torn, chewed, sucked or any of the rest until 2:30.  I kept my tummy satisfied with a piece of toast, then another piece of toast.  Later, there was one more piece of toast, and then I ate six pieces of neck, with three times that many now in the fridge.  I had the yogurt for dinner and am not hungry.  Mostly.  Either I am actually reducing my appetite with these smaller meals and no snacking, or I am still too sick to care about eating.  I am kind of concerned that this eating less food is so easy because I am so ill and that when (or if) I ever feel better that my old appetites will return.  Man, I hope not; I really, really hope that does not happen.  Would that not be, oh gosh, one of the most wonderful things ever?  That I could be satisfied with something approaching, approximating normal portion sizes?  It could happen.  It could.

Speaking of appetites, I have been thinking of another human one that is not so easily satisfied.  I have been without the benefits of a partner for a very long time.  Like really long.  Like bats in the belfry, cobwebs where there should not be cobwebs long.  Honestly, that long.  Most of the time I never give it a thought.  Sometimes, when my friend, D, the ancient horndog is lusting over some young woman (one whom, by the way, he has not a chance of getting even a tiny taste, although that does absolutely nothing to deter him), I do think about it and have had the occasional yearning for someone nice in my life.  However, I am a realist of the highest order and know that there is not a rat's ass chance of that ever happening.  It makes me sad, right this minute, just to think of how that is never going to happen for me.

Anyway, I am hoping that I can continue to eat less and get healthier when I finally return to more immediate health.  My dentist called to remind me of my appointment on Monday morning and it is a good thing, as I could cancel and not create an empty space that some other patient could use.  And, by the way, she called not because I forget, but to remind me that I was to hang around because we had plans for lunch.  She is an amazing dentist and an even better friend.  She is great.  Me, not so much, because I had completely forgotten. 

Staying home today meant that I did no errands.  I still have not had time to get the things I need from the pharmacy (including some fibery stuff,, which in another day I am going to need more than oxygen), find and buy a window-sized air conditioner, get any fresh vegetables or open that freaking checking account, get a debit card and finally be able to join WW.  This is insane.  You cannot hear this, but I am screaming in my head because this is so much more difficult that anything of this sort should be.  I have thought this before, but I am a bit O.K. with myself at how determined I am to do this.  So, I will get going early tomorrow, do all that and get to the gallery on time, where the ancient mariner horndog will likely show up and tell some damn story that will make my own longings manifest one more, damn time. 

I really suck and have a relatively suckly life right now.  Oh, the work and family and friends aspects are fine, but I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I cannot even add today as one without using my cane because I did not go anywhere, but I can count tomorrow, and I think, in celebration of not using my cane, actually getting dressed and leaving the house, and not being able to take my leftover turkey necks to have for lunch, that I will get a sandwich from Subway.  Hell, if that TV commercial guy can lose weight and get healthier eating those veggie subs, they certainly cannot hurt me.  That will be fun.

Since I did nothing useful, except for roasting the turkey necks, I had plenty of time to play mahjong, take a rest here and there and make some more of my current guilty pleasure/GP.

I made six, I think, with several of them primitive and silly, which is fine because I am primitive and more than a little silly.  I like this one.  A lot.  It is not silly.  It is named Mermother:

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 11

Breakfast:  eggs, toast, butter, tea
Lunch:  Roast beef sandwich, whole wheat bread, grainy mustard, mild pepper slices, romaine lettuce
Dinner:  Last of the chicken, last of the pea pods, last of the rice that I had cooked and frozen, last of the mushrooms, last of the strawberries (2) and pineapple (1 cup)

I am so tired.  Eleven and a half hour day, with the last client running three hours.  We were on a roll, he was doing his part of the work, he laughed at my lame jokes, I mean, how could I just end the session and go home when the time was up.  He was entirely too humble, but I nagged that right out of him.  More on him another day when I can keep my eyes open.

Oh, and it my eighth day walking without the use of my cane.  It hurts like a bitch, but I keep telling myself that every step that I take without it is a step towards greater strength.  Yeah, I guess I am the only person gullible to believe that.  Well, could work, unless I finish off my liver with the OTCs.

I need to get more fiber in my body.  Colon not happy tonight.  Need that goopy powder stuff. 

My ears are taking turns with holding fluid.  When I turn my head, I can hear it sloshing around in there.  How nice that they share so nicely.


We who are about to do battle with WW salute you.  Please remember us in your prayers.  Maybe the fourth time is the charm.  Fuck.


Thank goodness I did two GPs yesterday (It is one of my lotsa dotsa and I lurve it):

100 Days Redux

The 100 days idea worked really well for getting me started in divesting all of my crap and actually doing a significant amount of said divesting.  So, I thought, just this minute when beginning this little posting, hell, why not try that again, babycakes!

Today is Day 3, mostly since I had two great days previous to now.

I am hungry all the time.  I know that this damned appetite of mine will settle down eventually, but if today had not been so busy that I could not fit in everything I wanted to do, well, I would have eaten stuff.

The day began with having an obligation to someone else, so no breakfast.  There was a tiny break in between that and the next thing, so I did what I had to do and used the drive-through at the only restaurant available.  There was a diner or coffee house or something right there, as well, but I did not have enough time to use either of them.  A quarter pound hamburger and a huge diet cola, which I needed as much...if not more...than the sandwich. 

I then did the second thing and moved on to buy the keyboard I need for one of the computers I use at the library, get new socks and, since I needed a flash drive I bought a Hello Kitty one.  I have to say that between socks without holes and that cute, little Kitty and her matching ear buds, I was having a very nice time.  Yes.  I was.

On to the grocery store for cash for WW and as long as I was there, I decided to shop for groceries.  Man, what a concept.  Anyway, fruit was not on the shopping list, vegetables were, but the sales were too good to pass up.  Strawberries, blackberries, avocado and tomatoes.  A huge box of spring greens and a small container of crumbled bleu cheese.  Salad dressing.  Chicken thighs, artichokes and asparagus.  Oh, dear, how did vegetables sneak in there?  More plain yogurt to have with the fruit, some eggs for hard cooking, and a package of those frozen hamburger patties.  I see people buying them all the time, so they must be good, plus they are easy to cook and because they are frozen patties to begin with, they will not rot in the refrigerator before I get around to cooking and eating them.  I threw out a stunning and shameful amount of food-gone-bad today.  Meat, cauliflower, eggs, cheese, salad greens.  Just fucking shameful.  I may not have bought the optimally healthy kinds of foods today, but I think that I did well enough to get by and it is my hope that none of it gets tossed because it is to smelly or oozy to eat.

The best part of shopping was that the drive-through burger gave me a little gastric upset and I had to spend more time in the grocery store restroom that anyone should have to spend.  I am kind of glad that it happened.  It is a nice reminder that that kind of food does not agree with my tummy.  I think that I will keep almonds and walnuts in the car just in case that fierce kind of hunger strikes again and I am not at home to take proper care of it.

Then, my energy broke and I went straight home, skipping the pharmacy and the WW meeting.  Fine.  That sort of thing is going to keep happening, although I am hoping to not dump the meetings any more than necessary.  If their process is going to work for me I have to go to the meetings. 

As I was sitting in the car, waiting to feel well enough to drive home, the radio was on and there was a news item about weight loss programs.  Jenny Craig was on the top of the good results of the study, and Weight Watchers was not.  WW got points for their new plus-something-something, but low marks for the lack of supporting research or something like that.  Whatever.  JC requires that you buy their food, and their membership fee is a whopping $400.00 per year.  Maybe that is why it works, it limits your choices and your ability to do other stuff.  Exactly how does that help me learn to eat in what passes for my real world?

As a bonus for not making everything happen today, when I was off to do the first thing for someone, I had my arms full of stuff for the second obligation.  In the process, I put a huge compartment box of beads on the roof of the car, along with a brand-new tube of jewelry adhesive.  They were the project for the second thing.  It was going to be cool.  Making as many bracelets and/or necklaces as the students could make in the time we have together. 

So, anyway, you have to know where this is going, I get to the school and, wonder of wonders, the huge box of beads is nowhere to be found.  I look everywhere, in every bag.  No beads.  Then, I stand back and stare at the car, like it is going to start talking to me.  And, then I see the space on the roof where the beads no longer reside because they fell off sometime during the early part of driving away from home this morning. 

Wherever they are, they are not going to be part of anything I do.  They were, still are, nice beads, really nice beads and whomever found the box is going to have big fun with them.  Taking them to the school was part of divesting them.  With any luck, most of them would have been gobbled up during the project.  They are still gone, just by a different route.

We were still able to do something, because I had a small ton of ribbons in the car, leftovers from another project.  We made braided key chains and bracelets.  I made a thing to attach my purse/bag to the chair when I go to restaurants.  Will not need it for the drive-through, but nice to have anyway.

I did not get what I needed from the pharmacy, nor was I able to go to a meeting or look for shoes in which I can walk with relative comfort.  I did, however, eat fairly well.

Very late breakfast:  drive-through burger and a large diet cola.
Late lunch a chicken thigh, two ears of corn, a cup of blackberries.
Late dinner was a huge salad, four cups of loosely shaken into the bowl greens, a medium tomato (which tasted divine), half a small avocado, two or three tablespoons crumbled bleu cheese, splash of oil dressing.
Lots of water all day.

Tomorrow is going to be more difficult.  I usually reward myself with dinner out, Asian, for a very busy and stressful workday.  I order mostly vegetables, a little shrimp and a bunch of sushi.  No sauces.  Maybe a soft roll and some rice, but not always.  Almost always fresh fruit for dessert when I actually order dessert.  Lots of lovely tea. 

Man, that choice, whether to go home for a late dinner or go out for a late dinner is slightly less than 24 hours in the future and I am already conflicted about what I am going to do.  I suck.  In my defense, my day is from shortly after 8 a.m. until after 7 p.m., a long, long day, with only a lunch break.  By the time I leave there, the prospect of a nice, mostly healthy dinner is one that is not easy to entertain.

I give up.  Going to bed, to try to find that darn library book that I have to keep renewing because I cannot find the darn thing, take a quick shower, read a bit and hope that I make the right dinner choice tomorrow.

Gosh, only 97 more days of this.  Thud.

Seconds on that responsibility, please

Day two of accountability.

Needed a nap again today.  Just a short one, but, gosh, this tired babe needs to be less tired.  It might be time for another sleep study or some damn thing.  Whatever it needs to be, it is certain to need a chunk of money.  At this rate, the only travel I will be able to afford is back and forth to the medics.

Two corn dogs (the frozen kind) for breakfast.
Microwave popcorn for lunch. 
Three half-strength mugs of instant, sugar-free hot cocoa throughout the afternoon.
A WW frozen meal for dinner.  Followed by a cup of plain yogurt with a cup of frozen raspberries (no sugar), and another mug of the aforementioned hot cocoa.  The yogurt/fruit mix was surprisingly satisfying.  I might consider that as an entire dinner, along with some soothing tea.
Lots of water during the day.  Sure am missing soft drinks, though.

I think that I need to transition to hot, decaffeinated tea, instead of the cocoa mix.  I also need to get some fresh vegetables and more whole grains into the mix.  However, I am trying to use up the food that is already here before buying more.  I have whole wheat pasta, canned beans and tomatoes, canned pumpkin and boxes of stock.  More microwave popcorn.  More hot cocoa mix.  Plenty of tea.  Three apples, mostly because I did not eat an apple on Sunday.

I think that those corn dogs are going to tempt me more than I want.  Why did I buy them and the other frozen meals?  Yeah, I remember.  It is because I am often too tired and in pain from all my body problems, which are not weight related, to actually cook fresh food and it, the fresh foods, eventually get tossed in the compost or trash. What a shameful waste.

There must be an easier way to do this.  I was in enough pain today to keep me from going anywhere, much less the WW meeting.  I have to go out to mentor tomorrow and will try to stop in afterward. 

And, this pain stuff.  I can no longer take some of the over-the-counter analgesics.  That leaves the prescription meds.  I cannot even begin to consider all of that right now.

I know that thing about how we either try or we just do.  Well, just doing does not always work when you cannot walk long or far enough to actually do something.  Some days the best I can do is to try.  Is there not a way to make that work?

So, tomorrow:
Buy some damn vegetables.  Then, eat them.
Find a meeting time and actually go.
First go to the bank and get some damn cash or open a damn checking account to keep the meeting people happy.  When they are happy, all of us are happy.
As long as I am out, I should stop at the mall and try to find some walking shoes to help minimize the foot pain.

I will be less cranky and more everything that I want to be when I am healthier.  I can do this. 

Oh, and I took a single Benadryl tablet before bed last night and did not wake up choking on mucus. 

Not...one...single...time!!!  Wow, a plan, albeit short-term, to make one thing better.