100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 13

Breakfast:  Eggs, toast, butter
Lunch:  Subway foot-long, roast beef on whole grain (not so sure that it really is, you know?) bun/roll, spinach, green peppers, mild peppers, tomato, cucumber
Mid-afternoon:  My tummy was rumbling and the second half of that sandwich was happy to provide relief
Dinner:  2 ears of corn, butter, salt

I had intended to have the sandwich be lunch and dinner, but I ate the second half at around 4:30, and then just had the corn; it is after 8:30.  So, more food than I planned or wanted to have, but it is what it is.  I bought the corn and some other groceries on the way home from the gallery.  I have a nice rib steak, salad stuff, a couple of apples, blueberries, a nice as in really nice cauliflower and those artichokes from Sunday's shopping.  Oh, and the rest of the turkey necks. 

I have to say that shopping when hungry is not supposed to be a great idea, and it was doubly so today.  Every lovely, refined carb in the store called my name.  They had a special on dark chocolate pound cake, and those crazy muffins with the cheese and jalapenos.  I actually looked at the ice cream section and dairy makes me, you know.

It was not such a good day and I suppose that contributed to my yearnings at the store tonight.  Two people stopped in, regulars and one is a good friend, the other is a crazy guy that is a doctor who does not practice medicine anymore, and for very good reasons.  The friend is using me and I would rather just not be a friend anymore than address the issue.  Totally the coward's way out, but it is the best I can manage, at least whilst I am still sick.  The insane doctor blew in, paced and ranted, insulted the gallery owner (a truly dear friend) and blew out.  Good thing, because I was this close to opening the door and thanking him for dropping by.  All right, I would not have done that, but I was thinking about it in my head and enjoying it very much.  A very satisfying fantasy.

I no longer want to be the person who makes nice and makes everything fine for the crazy people.  Hell, I am crazy enough in my own right and no one does that for me.  It does not help that most of my craziness stays in my head, fueling my exceptionally rich fantasy life, but that is beside the point.  I am fairly certain that if I manifested my inner, firmly straight-jacked self that, first, no would would believe it, mostly, and secondly, no one would cut my any slack and make all nice and fine for me.  I am pretty certain of that.  I am.

So, subjecting myself to the grocery store was a big mistake.  I knew it as soon as I walked through the doorway.  I got what I needed and avoided all the good stuff that I really wanted, even some dark chocolate.  That I caved on my way to the checkout and bought the corn is bothersome, but, really, it could have been worse.  At least the corn was good.  And buttery and salty.  Good.

I am going to bed right after I finish this because my goo kept me up again last night.

I am too tired to make a GP, so will use one of the ones I made yesterday.  It is named Cream in my coffee:

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 12

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch: Toast, butter, turkey necks
Dinner: Small thing of yogurt

I sort of crashed today.  Too much stuff on two busy days.  Man, this should not knock the beans out of me like this.  I coughed, gagged and hacked all night.  How anyone got any rest here is a mystery.  My guess is that I got the most, but I am not asking because I do not want to be chided for disturbing everyone.  The cats do not care because it got me up early and they had their breakfast early.

I had just the eggs this morning because I figured that the protein would have more staying power whilst it decayed  digested in my gut.  Lunch rolled around, despite my dozing and resting, and by the time I was hungry enough to get up, I discovered that I had never put the turkey necks on to roast.

Now.  Turkey necks.  One of my all-time comfort foods.  The market chops them into 3-inch lengths, and put in a pan, sprinkled with a little salt, and roasted at 425 degrees for about an hour, they are little hunks of chewy delight.  They are so good.  They are also the kind of food that you never, ever can eat in front of anyone else.  Well, the cats do not mind because they get their own share, but other humans simply do not want to watch another human bite, tear, chew, suck and gnaw on those bony bits of heaven.

Anyway, they did not get bitten, torn, chewed, sucked or any of the rest until 2:30.  I kept my tummy satisfied with a piece of toast, then another piece of toast.  Later, there was one more piece of toast, and then I ate six pieces of neck, with three times that many now in the fridge.  I had the yogurt for dinner and am not hungry.  Mostly.  Either I am actually reducing my appetite with these smaller meals and no snacking, or I am still too sick to care about eating.  I am kind of concerned that this eating less food is so easy because I am so ill and that when (or if) I ever feel better that my old appetites will return.  Man, I hope not; I really, really hope that does not happen.  Would that not be, oh gosh, one of the most wonderful things ever?  That I could be satisfied with something approaching, approximating normal portion sizes?  It could happen.  It could.

Speaking of appetites, I have been thinking of another human one that is not so easily satisfied.  I have been without the benefits of a partner for a very long time.  Like really long.  Like bats in the belfry, cobwebs where there should not be cobwebs long.  Honestly, that long.  Most of the time I never give it a thought.  Sometimes, when my friend, D, the ancient horndog is lusting over some young woman (one whom, by the way, he has not a chance of getting even a tiny taste, although that does absolutely nothing to deter him), I do think about it and have had the occasional yearning for someone nice in my life.  However, I am a realist of the highest order and know that there is not a rat's ass chance of that ever happening.  It makes me sad, right this minute, just to think of how that is never going to happen for me.

Anyway, I am hoping that I can continue to eat less and get healthier when I finally return to more immediate health.  My dentist called to remind me of my appointment on Monday morning and it is a good thing, as I could cancel and not create an empty space that some other patient could use.  And, by the way, she called not because I forget, but to remind me that I was to hang around because we had plans for lunch.  She is an amazing dentist and an even better friend.  She is great.  Me, not so much, because I had completely forgotten. 

Staying home today meant that I did no errands.  I still have not had time to get the things I need from the pharmacy (including some fibery stuff,, which in another day I am going to need more than oxygen), find and buy a window-sized air conditioner, get any fresh vegetables or open that freaking checking account, get a debit card and finally be able to join WW.  This is insane.  You cannot hear this, but I am screaming in my head because this is so much more difficult that anything of this sort should be.  I have thought this before, but I am a bit O.K. with myself at how determined I am to do this.  So, I will get going early tomorrow, do all that and get to the gallery on time, where the ancient mariner horndog will likely show up and tell some damn story that will make my own longings manifest one more, damn time. 

I really suck and have a relatively suckly life right now.  Oh, the work and family and friends aspects are fine, but I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I cannot even add today as one without using my cane because I did not go anywhere, but I can count tomorrow, and I think, in celebration of not using my cane, actually getting dressed and leaving the house, and not being able to take my leftover turkey necks to have for lunch, that I will get a sandwich from Subway.  Hell, if that TV commercial guy can lose weight and get healthier eating those veggie subs, they certainly cannot hurt me.  That will be fun.

Since I did nothing useful, except for roasting the turkey necks, I had plenty of time to play mahjong, take a rest here and there and make some more of my current guilty pleasure/GP.

I made six, I think, with several of them primitive and silly, which is fine because I am primitive and more than a little silly.  I like this one.  A lot.  It is not silly.  It is named Mermother: