100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 50

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  Nothing
Dinner:  Nothing, yet

So, anyway, Dear Diary, I have been feeling so good about just everything.  A life is not static.  Stuff happens.  Uncertainty is the one thing of which you can be certain, especially if you are going to do more than stay home in your little cave and not be involved in anything.  Oh, lordy, does stuff happen.  You know, I would not have it any other way.  Really.

A lot of days without serious problems, except for the usual ones around here.  I went to the fruit festival yesterday and it was great and then today happened.  It is not worth writing about here, but it was pretty terrible and it was made clear that it was, not exactly punishment for having a life, but sort of like the consequences of doing things that someone does not want me to do.  I kind of crumbled into pieces earlier, but am better now. 

I was trying so hard to make this work here and praying about it and asking for some way to resolves some of the stuff.  Well, you often get exactly what you ask for and that manifested early this morning.  It is just that I was unprepared for how it happened, as in caught completely off-guard.  You know, just when you think that being a good person, doing all of the right things for the right reasons, that all of that love and support will come back to you in some measure, it does not.  Well, that is the way it goes.  I should not ever be surprised, but I am.  Over and over. 

Once I recovered from the shock, I was fine.  I will be better, but, gosh, I do not think that I will ever get used to this and that I will always be stunned when it happens again.  The deliberate cruelty is, what, a new heartbreak every single time.  I have had hours to think about this and, whilst I am sort of, kind of all right with being a person who can still have the whole breaking of the heart thing, it would be fine with me if it never happened again.

I will be gone for three days this week, which will only make things worse, big-picture-wise, but it is too late to do anything about that.  I am going to think of it as the calm before the storm and enjoy as much of it as I can.  I need the time away to make some plans, figure out what to do, stay sane.  You know, like that.

It is interesting, though, that I am sort of, kind of back to feeling good.  The bad stuff is really only beginning, but I was, am, able to bounce back even though this sadness will be with me for a while I am guessing.  At some point, I am just going to have to accept that maybe what the heart wants is not what is best.  I am resisting that.  I have to, if only to know for certain that I did everything possible to make this work.  It is all so sad. 

But, I am strong, and strong in a way that I have not been for a long time.  Maybe I never had this kind of strength before.  It feels new, so perhaps that is true.  Anyway, nothing here is going to destroy me, not the stuff that happens, not the made-up stories, not the misunderstanding from others, none of it.  I have this crazy feeling that I do not have any responsibility to defend myself against any of the stories and the consequences of stories being told.  I know, Diary, that I am being obtuse, but I am doing that a lot lately.  Even writing this to myself in this manner seems like a defense, but I am hoping that it is not.  If I cannot be seen for who I am, then, well, so be it.  Hell, I do that for other people, they can do it for me, dammit!

Anyway, I am still not hungry, but might have some ice cream and go to bed early.  I have some serious divesting to do tomorrow.

And, bloody hell, I still feel good.  Man.

As for GP, the hearts are feeling as though they are part of the sadness, so I am off to make something more cheerful.  Be right back.
Alrighty, here goes.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 41

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch: Sushi and a salad
Dinner:  Japanese, what can I say, I am weak

Lunch was actually just the sushi, as the salad had been prepared by an idiot, or a really frugal person, of the jerk variety.  Oh, gods, name calling, but you would too, if you opened your salad, jammed your fork into the container and came up with wilted, oozy, slimy, seriously discolored something that used to be lettuces.  At least I think they used to be lettuces, it was hard to tell, that is how foul that container of muck was.

I cannot say how that happened to be mine, but it sickened my lunch companion at the gallery and did the same to the poor market clerk who had to give me my money back when I returned it on my way home tonight.  I exchanged it for chocolate to enjoy on my weekend away, and the guy behind me said that anyone who had to experience that salad deserved chocolate.  He was right.

Dinner was nice and I am glad that I went, but I have to cut back on going there.  This last time, tonight, I overate and the worst part is that I did not feel the teeniest bit guilty.  It was still healthy, but I ordered too much, intending to take some home, but then sat there and finished when I realized that I would be out of town for the next two days.  Yeah, I know, that is a crappy excuse.  So, sue me for still being a slab and a slob.

Healthy-feeling-wise, I am doing well.  The day was nice and easy and I did not need any extra meds and felt comfortable until I came back home here to the sauna.  I think that viewing this place as a sauna is another healthy step in the right direction.  I get the benefits of sweating toxins out of my body every single day and never have to pay club dues.  It is like a health club membership for free, but without the weight room, pool, smoothie/juice bar, massage therapists or personal trainer.  Other than that, it is the same thing.

So, GP, named, I used to be stars:

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 39

Breakfast:  Creamy, dreamy, perfectly over-easy eggs, small hard roll, sliced in three layers, buttered and sprinkled with truffle salt
Lunch:  Herb mix greens, about 4 oz. diced beef (more leftovers), 1 medium tomato, splosh of vinaigrette
Dinner:  Japanese

When I was at the bakery yesterday, picking up some of their yummy cookies to take for my anniversary treat at the library, I bought six of their wonderful, tiny hard rolls.  If they were less plate-tectonic-y and all flaky on the outside and less chewy in the inside, they would probably be a few bites for the average person.  But, unless you live near to the city that is near to where I live, you may never have the privilege of enjoying them.  They go all hard and impossible to eat in two days, but were perfect this morning for dunking into the warm, luscious yolks, and that bit of truffle salt, oh gosh, it is just the best way to start the day.

I knew that it would be a long day with many challenges.  Weird how I know how the day will go like that, and I am never wrong.  If I sense that it will be an easy day, with at least one no-show and no bummed out clients, I plan on what I will do to catch up on all of that work that really never gets done.  Last week was like that...or was it the week before...no matter.  I knew last night that today was going to be one of those days where I would likely miss lunch and have to work late.  I am not sure that I like knowing, but it is what it is.

Anyway, I did not get home until 10:00 and can hardly stay awake to write.  Barely three hours of sleep because it was so freaking hot in here.  Outside, it was perfect sleeping weather.  Cool, but not too cool, with a nice breeze, a precursor to today's bluster, but last night it was lovely.  Unfortunately, the heat was set to 80 degrees and I could not find relief anywhere.  I was about to go sleep in the car when I finally found a small fan. 

This is nuts, and I have to find a small, window unit air conditioner that I am able to lift into the damn window.  We have central air, but, as I am constantly reminded, no matter how hot it is during the day, it mostly gets cooler when the sun goes down, even if it is only a few degrees, and since it does get cooler (by some definition on another planet maybe?), it makes sense to turn the furnace on and bring the temperature up and over what it is outside.  I swear, if the heat in here does not fry my brain I am going to stab myself until I lose consciousness.  I really, really will.  I swear.

So, anyway, I love, love and truly love the juvenile rabbits.  They are so cute and so funny.  One of them is hanging around the rhubarb and the storybook aspect of that pleases me so much.  He sits just under the canopy of one of the large, outer leaves and thinks that he is invisible.  If I make a move in any direction when he is on the lawn, munching on the stuff the birds toss off of the feeding stations, he freezes.  I stop.  I can see his eyes darting to the side, either tracking me or looking for an escape route.  There have been times when the two of us just stayed in place for more than ten minutes.  If I stay still, he will go back to chowing down and if I move again, he takes off into the rhubarb patch.  I sort of hate to begin harvesting there and ruin his domain.

Tonight, when I rounded the back of the house, he was sitting, chewing something, out there in the open and the drizzle.  I really had to use the bathroom, so I moved forward sooner than usual and he took off.  Or, she.  He/she is not telling.

I am so tired that I would love to indulge in some serious crankiness, but it was a wonderful day, full of really cool, interesting and dear clients.  The Walmart woman showed up and brought her mother along to meet me.  I managed to make the designs and images she wanted and still had time to join knitting club for an hour.  I stopped at the Japanese place and had a wonderful dinner, not too much, not too little...just right.  Off to find something to wash down an antihistamine, but first, a word from our GP.  More nested hearts.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 31

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch #1:  Taco place, medium-sized burrito, water
Lunch #2:  Wendy's BLT salad, half dressing, 4 french fries, diet cola
Lunch #3:  Nachos, big serving, made from real and mostly scratch ingredients, amazing chips, grilled flank steak, queso fresco, avocado, onions, tomatoes, jalapenos, cilantro, water, diet cola
Dinner:  Nothing yet, but will likely have microwave popcorn and a Snapple or two, the no-sugar ones.  Note:  Added to say that I had a Snapple, did not make popcorn, but did broil a small steak that was about to go bad.  Whew...waste averted.

So, anyway, no breakfast because I knew that there would be at least two lunches today.

Meeting, mentoring, meeting.  All three were between 10:30 a.m. and 2:30 p.m.  Yikes!

I was really hungry for lunch #1, so I had a smallish burrito, not the huge ones they sell there.  I was feeling not too bad about it, at least it had beans, lettuce and tomatoes.

Lunch #2 was with my mentee.  Today was our last session of the school year.  She made a card and envelope for her mother's birthday and I gave her a pen, a click-able ball point, and asked her what other gift could come along with a pen.  She guessed paper and a book, and she was correct.  Both of those things were in the scrap-booking box that contained enough art materials to see her through the summer vacation.  She really, really liked it, but she did not like it even half as much as I enjoyed sharing and giving it to her.

The third lunch was with a gallery owner who wants me to exhibit at her place.  I am not doing that any more.  It is a long and boring story, but another gallery fucked me over in February and I do not seem to be making any forward movement in getting over it.  You know, it is difficult for anyone, engaged in any kind of work that is meaningful to them, when it, their work, is not appreciated.

It is a universal human experience.  We do what is important to us.  Yeah, we do it for the money, but if we are lucky, we also get to do it for love of the work, or at the very least, find a way to wrestle some decent experience out of a less fabulous job.

I am not saying, nor do I even believe, that art is any different from other work.  They are all the same.  We do good work, we appreciate being appreciated, we expect a fair wage/payment/fee.  It is as simple as that.  Well, no, it is as complicated at that!

So, when someone who is like, oh, the boss or supervisor or manager or gallery person, when they screw you every way possible and then expect you to thank them for it, it does not matter if you are plucking chickens, selling books or exhibiting your art.

Like I said, I no longer exhibit.  But, I did have those wonderful nachos.  She wanted to meet at her gallery and it was so hot here today, that we went to the mall where she had something fixed at Radio Shack and we ate at one of the food places, run by a family and using their own recipes.  If you want fast food, this is not where you will find it.

And, that is how I came to have three lunches in four hours in one day.

I am going to spend Sunday with my daughter, where we will go to her church, send the boys off to a car show, and then go off to do womanly things together...lunch and a gun show.  They do not let you shoot any, although it is being held in a community center and they could easily set aside a couple of the bowling lanes with targets, just saying.  Anyway, on-site shooting aside, I am looking forward to trying out a wider variety of product than I can find in a shop.  As a child I was a member of the national association, long before Charleston Heston messed them up, although, in the interest of truth, he did not do it alone.  I shot skeet as a young adult, shotguns, 22 rifles and pistols.  I kind of miss it.  I have to share, though, that I have had my eye on an awfully nice Sig Sauer, even though it might be out of my price range.

And, I am watching again, right now, Jane Goodall's When animals talk, and it is at the part where they are showing how giant, pouched rats (about the size of a house cat and very placid) are trained to scent out all the left-over land mines (more than 40 million from decades of conflict) in Africa.  I love rats and had forgotten how endearing this big rats are.  Is it selfish of me to want one?  I mean, I really, really want one.  Sigh.

All in all, a good day.

My daughter said that I sounded close to healthy today, which I am feeling and hope that this keeps moving in that direction.

I had three lunches!

No one tried to mess with me.

I am running out of stockpiled GPs, so here is another angel.  I saw one of those wooden shapes that you can paint or color of tart up any way you like.  I am not buying much these days, save for travel, but I liked the shape and so I drew my own, more suited to July, but here it is: If you feel patriotic and you know it, clap your hands.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 22

Breakfast: 2 small peaches, eggs two hours later
Lunch:  Scallops, grilled vegetables, spiced apple ring, baked potato (butter, sour cream), roll, mint ice cream, decaf coffee
Dinner:  Steak, cherries

Wow, when I look back over this diary, I am kind of amazed at the kinds of foods that I am eating.  They are, almost to a one, of higher quality than what I was putting in my body three weeks ago.  I mean, good seafood and a steak, not bad.  It is taking funds away from my big travel plans, but I am happy to stay home and eat great food in the business of becoming healthier.  A fine trade-off and plan, all around. 

My previous diet was heavy on carbohydrates, brown rice, whole wheat pasta and bread, oatmeal, beans, lentils, popcorn, with only the occasional meat.  Lots of soups and slow cooker meals, still mostly carbs.  It was cheap and filling.  It was also terrible for someone who has diabetes, and that someone would be me.  I have been having problems with dairy for a long time.  Milk, ice cream and cheese nearly always gave me serious gastrointestinal distress.

Factor in all of the drive-through meals, taken and eaten on the run because it really is difficult to plan ahead for carry along meals based on my old, regular diet, and it is a wonder I had just the one heart thing.  You know, eventually I will find a way to say and write the real word for what happened, but for now it is the heart thing.  I should be troubled by an inability to move beyond being so vague and indirect and avoiding about it, but I am not.  Troubled, that is, not in the least.  I am curious about why that is, but not enough to actually get any forward movement going there.  This attitude is likely to come and bite me in the ass, but not today.

Even though I am not keeping track, anyone could see that there were simply and plainly too many calories eaten today.  The portions were good, but there was a serious glut of butter, and there really is not any excuse for the ice cream.  Lunch was at 2 and dinner at 9.  Both late and both times I was hungry.  I will have to return to some kind of snacking when meals are going to be late like this.  Carrying around a zipper bag of raw almonds should help there.

So, I finally figured out that writing here and saving as a draft is, oh, I do not know, like saving as a draft.  There have been a couple of times when something caught in my craw and because I am dedicated to writing in this diary at the end of the day, most of those things or issues are long forgotten by the time I stumble in here to spew.  Granted, most of them are best left forgotten, but there is the occasional something or other that is worth reminding myself.

Anyway, I called my chatty, story-telling friend yesterday (one of the ss women) to ask her to lunch.  I had decided that keeping our outings short, as in less than the usual 10-12 hours would go a long way to reducing the problems.  Now, this part seems awfully manipulative, and that is probably because it is.  But, if I limit the time I spend taking her places to a reasonable length, then there will not be sufficient time for her to feel the need to fill the time with the same stories, and the same demands that I chime in with opinions.  I estimate that 3 hours is long enough for lunch or dinner and a stop at the market so that she can get some groceries.  The market could be replaced by the pharmacy, it is totally her choice.

We are trying that this afternoon.  She was not sure that she could make it today, so we spoke again this morning.  She really want to do this on Thursday, but that means another very long day.  I am going to stand firm on not doing that anymore.  All right, maybe I will cave and do that with her once a month or something.  But, not every week and certainly not twice in a week.  Today I told her that I had 3 hours for lunch and/or shopping and that she could choose what we did and where I took her.

It should have worked, but I underestimated her dedication to staying out and about as long as possible and her ability to stretch events to their fullest.  We did not have the 3 hours.  It was 4 1/4 from the time I picked her up until I dropped her off.  It would have been longer, but I finally walked away from all of the last minute things she needed to share with me.

O.K., there were two times today when I felt like a jerk, a heel, a selfish bitch, a terrible person.  The first was after two hours at the restaurant when I mentioned that there was still grocery shopping to be done.  The second was during the shopping when my protesting joints would not leave me alone and I checked out my crap and waited at the front of the store for her to finish.  Now, in my defense, I did not tell her about the pain and I did tell her that she should and could take as much time as she liked to finish.  She was another 30 minutes and I sat and read a magazine.  She wants to do this again on Thursday and Saturday.  I just cannot.  They will be longer days and I just do not have the energy and time now.  Yeah, the selfish bitch rears her terrible, jerky head again.  Too bad.  I cannot keep doing this.

What else...I guess that is all.  Oh, I heard the best linked stories program today on NPR. Had I been wearing socks, it would have totally knocked them off.  I am trying, right now, to download the mp3 version so that I can listen to it over and over.  There was so much information that I could not grasp all of it.

WPR
To the best of our knowledge
The Examined Life
Examined Life - James Miller
Growing Up Jung - Micah Toub
Bipolar Memories - Aubrey Ralph
Science of Self - David Eagleman
Life of Montaigne - Sarah Bakewell

Then, tonight I watched the screen adaption of Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go.  Holey-moley, what an amazing film.  Certainly, not exactly the book, but that movie did not a single thing to disgrace the original version.

Those two experiences, in the same day, were, still are, amazing.  Got to pay better attention to the stuff coming into my life.  I can be a better person if I just pay attention, listen, learn, take it all in and manifest it back out again.  I am also feeling marginally better, but that is preferable to moving backwards.  Fersure.

GP, yesterday's bran muffin.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 20

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch:  Huge salad, greens, vegetables, little bit of roast beef, no dressing
Dinner:  Crab legs, broccoli, 4 pieces of sushi, some pickled ginger, some wasabi

I did fairly well, considering the cravings that yesterday's first two meals brought.  I guess that I cannot eat off plan without paying some kind of consequences.  I am fine now, but slipping like that kind of scares me now.  I am being foolish, even for me, but I was thinking during dinner that maybe even a little bit of the right-now-wrong-foods might make me stroke out or something, especially this early in the whole weight loss thing because getting to reasonable health is a long way away.  I did not want this to be about losing weight, although becoming healthier hinges on exactly that.

I have to wonder why the concept and admitting that shedding some serious poundage is what I need to do and why I am so reluctant to just own up to that.  It does not help that two things, one last evening and one today, reminded me that I am just one, ugly person.  I guess I must have been feeling too self assured there for a few moments and forgot that.  For some reason, I need to keep reminding myself lately.  Should not be so hard.


I still need to sleep, although I wonder how possible it is to catch up on lost sleep, even in the very short term, like over a few days.  I think that I read that lost sleep cannot ever be regained by sleeping more or longer on subsequent days/nights.  It makes sense.  Not like a bank account or anything.

Speaking of which, my credit card company bumped me up to a higher level of membership, or whatever they call it, and sent me a new card, with an extended renewal date.  Cool.  Except I never received the new card and found out that it was all messed up when I called them for something else and was reminded that I had never activated the new card.  Uh, what new card?  Then the explanation, then the explaining that it was a security issue and now, on a long, holiday weekend, I am without a credit card because I authorized them to cancel the current one, create a new card number and overnight the new one to me.  The account stays the same, everything carries over, so no problems there.  But, with the holiday, the chances are excellent that the new card will arrive next week.  Still no problem, but I and my CC company are wondering what happened to the other one.

One funny thing from my conversation with their representative, or whatever they are called :), happened when she was explaining my options.  One was to do the cancel and reissue, one was to hold on until next week to do it and the third was, "Well, the other option is for you to activate the card you never received."  I started laughing and had to tell her why.  O.K., tiny, lame joke, but it still is funny to me.  Wonder what happened to that card?

I made reservations for three more day trips, which is how this whole thing with the CC started.  They are little excursions to fairly interesting places, but the main focus and energy for me is that I will be out of town and out of contact for three, lovely days over the next month or so.  Paradise.  Bliss.  And, I did not have to be left behind during the Rapture to experience being left alone.  Like I said, bliss.

Well, off to look at a few web sites, bother some people and an early bedtime, hopefully to pretend that I am catching up on all of that lost sleep.  Oh, and I am feeling better health-wise.  Less ear pain, less coughing, less goo clogging up/coming out of me.  More bliss.


Today does have a GP.  It is a thunderbird.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 19, actually

Breakfast: sandwich and soda at McDonald's
Lunch:  Big Mac, you guessed it...McDonald's
Dinner:  Sushi, red velvet apricots, blueberries, root beer

It was a very long day.  Three nights of not enough sleep, although there was nothing I could do about any of it.  Early commitments, late nights, all culminating in yesterday, spending the day with a friend who had minor surgery.  You know, sometimes you just do what you have to do, and that is what I did.  She lives an hour or so away and whilst I took apples, whole grain crackers (not homemade) and raw almonds with me to serve as breakfast, I have to say that by the time I had driven twenty minutes and was about to enter the interstate, that McDonald's, incandescent and beckoning in the misty dawn was more than I could resist.

Well, I could have resisted, but I did not.  Got me a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit and a quart of diet cola (only for the caffeine, of course) and I was ready to meet the challenge of driving amongst the people who do this drive every day and who know exactly how to do it and were zipping around me like knights seeking the grail.  The sandwich went quickly, and it was perfect, probably because I was hungry and they truly are yummy.  The soft drink did not last the drive, but it did perk me up a bit.

I was there to watch her small children and when her husband showed up at lunchtime with more take-out, I ate my sandwich like a big girl, but I did not have cola or fries.  They looked really good, though.  Dinnertime found me on my way home, and starving.  Those quick, drive-through foods are nice and all, they taste fine and fill you up, but they do not have any staying power.  For me there is too much refined carbs, lovely though they may be, but just do not work for me.  So, I stopped at a nice grocery, kind of a high-end one that I use to treat myself, and that is exactly what I did.  I bought freshly made sushi, some of those amazing apricots, peaches, blueberries, tomatoes, peas and some diet soft drinks.  I ate in the car and then drove home.

So, I kind of redeemed my good intentions at the end of the day.  I do worry about taking the easy way and going back to my drive-through glory days.  It was so easy to justify doing it yesterday.  It would be easy to do the same just about any other day when I am not eating all of my meals at home or am rushing around doing errands or from job to job.  I have to prepare better and stick to eating the foods that I haul around with me.  But, man, those apricots were delicious, practically drip down your arm juicy and just sweet enough, the way that apricots rarely are.

I got home at 8:00, checked in on the computer, intending to make this confession last night, but could hardly stay awake, partly because of the carbs.  Slept more than nine hours and am just now feeling awake and ready to get going.  To be honest, I would have slept longer, but I had the beginnings of a headache and know that more sleep would not be all that helpful.  My plans are eggs for breakfast, taking a salad of lots of greens, vegetables and some left-over deli roast beef for lunch at the gallery and then meeting a friend for dinner at that Japanese place. 

Well, we will see, I guess.  I am seeing and feeling some small changes in my body.  Encouraging.  Last night I felt like weighing myself, but that would likely set me back on my old dependence on what the scale shows for the whole self-esteem thing, so I am going to continue to resist doing that.

I am off to make my eggs and get going here.  A new brochure from the travel place came yesterday.  I have already seen two day trips that look interesting.  My fast and junk food money is being spent on these trips.  Good for my health, body related, and for keeping my brain juiced up and keeping my body moving, with all that walking.

Gods, I really want to go back to bed.  Lordy.  No GP.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 16

16Breakfast:  Yogurt, blueberries
Lunch:  Eggs, scrambled with jalapeno
Snack:  Most of an Atkins bar, some kind of caramel and nut thing; saving the rest for breakfast tomorrow.
Dinner:  Artichokes, big salad with mushrooms, zucchini, tomato, cauliflower, celery, bacon, iceberg

Since someone asked:
Egg = 1 egg
Eggs = 2 eggs
I think 2 eggs is my limit, but if it changes, I will say so.
I drink a lot of plain water, a lot, at least a gallon a day, and sometimes have a cup of coffee or tea, except on Saturday mornings when I try to behave as though I am training for the Olympic coffee swilling team.  I have coffee divas all over the Midwest, willing and able to keep my damn cup full of brew as bitter as their restaurants will allow to be sold.  I am never happier than when I get the bottom of the pot.  Yum.

I did only a little cleaning today and some gathering of art materials for donation.  But, I am feeling better.  Hooray!  Much less coughing and I think that, well, I do not know what the hell I know, but I feel better.

So, anyway, artichokes.  They are so beautiful.  It seems a shame to cook them sometimes.  Their perfect globeyness, that mossy green...or is it artichoke green...with those sweet purple accents.  I think that most people do not eat the outer leaves, but I do, loving that bitterness.  And, that is my ode to artichokes and still one more proof of what an idiot I truly am.  Fortunately, I do not care a whit and am happy to embrace my dorkiness.  Really.  It has taken me decades to be comfortable with all of it, although I wonder, sometimes, how easy it is to be my friend.  Oh, well.

No cake today.  Man, that was a rough two days.  Cake.  Like it more than artichokes.  Eating that first bit of cake on Saturday created two days of cravings.  They are gone today, although I feel hungrier.  Tomorrow is lunch out with a friend and a test of whether or not I have completely brought down my self control.  They have sushi there.  Lordy.

Oh, even though I am not going many places, if I were, I would not be using my cane.  And one of the retinal wafer thing detachments managed to fold itself in half during the night and is almost half the size it was.  Maybe now it will sink more quickly.  After all this time, you would think that I would stop responding to it and swatting at the air like there was a huge bug in front of my face.  No new blood splatters in either eye since a week ago.

I bought bilberry to help with my eyes and turmeric for my nerve damage...or, is it the other way around?  Anyway, I will start taking them sometimes this week.  The fiber tablets are keeping my colon happy.  What else?  Nothing, I guess.  Oh, one more thing.  There was this gel mat at the pharmacy that you can put under the sheets and it is supposed to help you stay cooler at night.  I bought the smaller, pillow-sized one and tonight will try it.  If it saves me from having to buy a window air conditioner, it will be twenty bucks well spent.

O.K., one more critter GP.  Named, Cock-a-doodle-don't:

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 14

Breakfast:  Eggs, bacon, coffee, many, many cups
Lunch:  Pho, half a bowl, half of a spring roll
Snack:  Cake on the drive home
Dinner:  Rest of the pho, rest of the spring rolls, more cake

Holy crap, it is now two weeks since I decided, reluctantly, to become a healthier person.  I hope that this is not a pattern, a continuing two-week of pretty dam good and then a backslide where the cake is concerned.  But, it is not my fault.

Really.  After breakfast and taking my friend on her errands, which I enjoyed very much, finding a few lovely craft materials things for myself and my mentee and the grandbabies.  Then, I dropped her at home and went for pho.  The older man there took my order and encouraged me to try a spring roll with pork.  It was very good and I think that I might ask for more help from him sometime.

I did have a moment today, though.  At breakfast, the errand friend needed change for a ten dollar bill.  I gave it to her in singles and a dollar's worth of change.  Cool, yes?  Then, I went to pay my bill for lunch and the ten spot was nowhere to be found.  I had left it on the table at the breakfast place.  With the tip I had already left, our lovely (truly, I like her very much) waitperson received a 150% tip today, just from me.

I was like totally freaked for a minute or two and then realized that it was likely the least expensive lesson I have ever learned.  It was offset by the mind-blowing sale that I got for a tiny, wooden barn and animals that I bought for our newest grand-nephew.  It was on sale for 50% off and then for another 75% off of the sale price because it was damaged.  I have to replace the screws in the hinges of one of the doors and two of the animals are missing, although the tractor was still there.  My mind is still blown over that one.

Where was I?  Lunch.  After, I walked to the Asian market next door and shopped for treats for my daughter and the boys, including daddy in that count, some herbs and a whole roasted duck.  You can choose your own duck from the pile of carcasses in the case, but I let the guy do it and he then hacks it to pieces and puts it into two, large carry-out boxes.  He does not give me the head, but that is fine.  Having my dinner looking back at me, bill and all, makes it impossible to disconnect myself from that lovely, rich, meaty goodness and the abrupt ending of the ducky's life.  He sure is delicious, though.

So.  The cake.  In this market you have to pay for the duck separately, as it is in the deli section.  No problem, except that today the corner of the place was packed, and I mean really, seriously packed, with sweets.  Asian sweets are not like those in any other part of the world.  They are made from sugar, of course, but also a stunning variety of starches, beans, rice and who knows what else.

I chose a wedge of this yellow cake that seemed strangely resilient in it's Styrofoam  and cellophane package.  Then, there were these rice things and those bean things and before I knew it, there were four small packages of sweets joining the hacked-up meat pieces, formerly known as ducky.

I sampled each one in the car on the way home.  The first taste is almost always the best, no matter what something is, and these were no exception.  Except for the cake.  Goodness.  And goodness does describe it.  It is moist.  It tastes of egg and not too much sugar.  It is sort of the airy, chewy texture of angel food cake, but more dense.  Lovely.  Charley and I have been snacking on it all evening.

I never should have bought it.  I will not buy it again.  I should not be eating it, but I am and the rest will be put out for the critters in the morning, along with the other sweets.  All of them, the sweets, cost only $6, so added to the lost $10, not a completely horrible day of wasted money, especially when I remember the huge meat waste I had a month or two ago.  Shudder.  That was shameful, but today's lapse is just a lapse.  Gonna move on.

I tried the new decongestants last night and have felt a little better all day.  Still not using my cane, and using less pain meds.  I bought fiber today and my colon is very happy.  It is a good day when your colon is not sad.  I am personally less sad today because I managed to get over the fact that my friend sort of stole my place to live in town.  At least I think that I am over it.  At this moment I no longer feel the need to stop helping at the gallery and I will try my best to not be upset and all grudge-holding with him when we next meet, which will be Friday.  Yeah, I am pretty sure that I am not upset about it anymore.  Pretty sure.  Maybe I do need a little more time to grieve the loss of that safe place, but I do not plan on using more than a few days for being sad about it.  Yeah, I can do that. No, he did not sort of steal it, he wrangled, pushed and punched my sorry ass right out of that place.  Bastard.  O.K., I am fine now.  Yeah.  I am, but that felt good.  Smiling now.

Tomorrow is back on the healthy wagon.  No cake for anyone.  I have some sewing that I would like to do and I promised to make some doll clothing patterns for a friend and, oh, there looks like there will be time for a nap in the early afternoon, altogether a fine prospect for a Sunday. 

On Monday I call the travel place and plan another short trip or two for the summer and I still have to join WW.  I am ditching the whole getting a new checking account and debit card thing and opting for paying the higher week-at-a-time fee for each week that I go there.  Maybe the extra $3.88 each time will help me value it more and make better use of the program.  That is an easier solution to the other stuff, and it is certainly much better than forgetting to keep enough money in that extra account so that I do not get hit with overdraft fees.  Now, that would seriously amp up my cranky-factor.

So, tonight's GP is one that makes me laugh.  A lot.  It is named Come here often? and there are several interpretations of what this depicts.

It might be:

1. Two of the microbes/germs/bacteria/bugs in my ailing body having a conversation whilst my white blood cells wander around taking long breaks, getting hyped on coffee and angsting about the meaning of life instead of doing their jobs.
2. A couple of citizens of other planetary systems, meeting out at Area 51, in honor of the couple of new books about the place.
3. Two Eastern European countries, redistricted by the machinations of their inbred leadership.
4. Two people from around here, transformed by the Rapture (or is it Raptor, I cannot ever remember),  making connections with the other left-behinds.
5. A pair of new lifeforms found in my refrigerator.

Simple thoughts

Did you hear the one about the old babe who had a PVD/Posterior Vitreous Detachment and then had a second one four days later?  Well, it seems that having that little heart thing a month ago, plus the joint pain, plus the nerve damage, and the high blood pressure was not enough to help her see (pun coming) that she needed to regain her healthy body and the general health that comes with it.

She needed to be faced with the risk of having the remains of her sight lost due to the little bleed-outs in her retinas and the detachments and the flashers before she was able to take all of this crap seriously.  Lordy.

The simple things in a life are what seem to matter the most.  Forgetting that is just a darn shame.  Big problems are reduced when a client keeps thanking you over and over and keeps asking to shake your hand just because of that little thing you did for them.

When the next client does a little of the same and tells you that you are a nice person and that you are the first person with whom he has felt comfortable in a very long time, well, that is the icing on that cookie and that cookie is one that you can safely enjoy without further assault to your vision.

It is a lovely thing when the person who felt most threatened by your volunteering has become one of your most ardent supporters, which is important in an increasingly uncertain, local government, economic environment.

That he has a larger pole up his ass than you do is an opportunity to mind your own hubris before it can come back and bite you in the ass.  Frankly, it is a blessing, and you get to be grateful not only for his transformation, but for the gentle reflection he offers to your own attitudes and behaviors.

So, anyway, there is this guy who comes into the library on a fairly regular basis.  I do not know who he is, but I see him there all the time.

Today he has a new haircut.  I see him walking towards me and I think, "Man, that is so cool...he is manifesting his inner Beatle."  The mop-top bowl cut is actually quite cute on him.

Then, we pass and I turn to look at the back of the new haircut and I think, "Man, do you not have any friends who are good enough friends to share with you that, from behind, your head looks like a furry penis?"

It is very sad, very, very sad, when a local organization, one dedicated to the needs of veterans, accepts the help of a good person in utilizing a significant part of their facility to bring in much needed funds, and then after learning from him, decide to eliminate him from the program he designed, built and successfully ran.

It would be fine if the reason for dumping the good person was other than intentionally using him to develop the program so that they could take over and run it themselves.  Had they been upfront about their plans, no one would have been surprised or hurt in the transition.  But, seriously, to use someone like that is just plain shameful.

I am dedicated to that organization and when I heard what had happened I went to the source, where the suspicions of the dumped, good person were confirmed.  Bad enough to do that, but how much worse to be so blasé, so matter-of-fact and unashamed about it.  I could not be more shocked if it had happened to me.  I am hoping that writing it down will help me to process what seems like a complete betrayal of principles, beliefs and honor.   I am stunned and see no future time when this is not going to bother me.  I have also severed my connection to them, which makes me more sad that I can even think about.

I want to be light-hearted about this, you know, how breaking up is so hard to do (feel free to sing along), but I thought that I could do my little, peripheral stuff there and it could be a sort of connection to my brother, and there just is not any reasonably light aspect that I can find, which is another disappointment for a positive view girl like me.  Heartbroken and a little scared that such a thing could happen.

I get to play with the babies and their mommy tomorrow.  She, the mommy, was ill last week and I could give her only one day.  Maybe she will feel well enough to play outside with us.  More likely, she will use the time to catch up on all the stuff that was put aside so that she and her babies could play outside every day.

She is a lovely mom and I adore her.  I think that we will surprise her with home-made pizza for lunch.  One of her favorites.

I am a big girl.  I can pull up my big girl panties and get on with whatever needs getting on.  Still, today's disappointment and subsequent split with one of my favorite organizations is so sad.  People get to be human.  I get to let them do that.  I get to accept people for who they are, because, you know, we are all simply doing the best that we can, here on this pretty, little planet.  I get all that.  But, if I really do, then why does my heart ache so much about something that did not directly happen to me?

I have to release this.  Holding on to it serves no one.  Besides, it feels as though I am giving some of my power away to them, and they do not deserve to have anything from me.  This totally and completely sucks.

I am practically atingle with happiness

Whilst I still have a load or two of laundry to do, no one has hassled me or given me grief or yelled at me about using the machines today.

If this is not pure, unadulterated bliss, well, I do not know what is.  Were I able to move with comfort, I would be happy-dancing all over the place, but really quiet, like a mouse.  Wee, tiny, little happy-dancing mice.  I would dance with them.  My peeps.

Ah, whatever happens for the other half of this day, I can survive it relatively unscathed because this early part is worth appreciating, seeking out and bringing on the dancing and very blissful little guys with the naked tails. 

To leap, to soar, without a care
Is a blessing of the rarest kind.
Through the air and in my soul,
One to be held in heart and mind

For times less peaceful,
Times less calm and quiet and gay,
When struggles are met
With the strength gathered today

It is life's dance, at least mine
To experience as best I am able.
And gather the soft remembrances
For future times unstable.

Dance, baby, whilst you can.

Simple Thoughts

Being a simpleton, I have simple thoughts.  I like to think of my self as complicated, but most of the time I am as complex as a box of rocks, and that is on a good day.

But, that does not stop me from having random ideas, notions and crackpot musings.  If nothing else, it keeps it interesting on this end.

So, anyway, one day last weekend was particularly challenging in the whole self-esteem departments.  My daughter is having a challenging time of her own and is using me as her safe place to let off steam.  No problem, because that is what mother's are designed to be for their children, the ultimate safe place.  Unfortunately, this has been going on for a considerable while now and I think that it has become more habit than genuine release for her.  I think that I might be at the end of my endurance for this.  Like seriously not able to continue to hold up my end of the dynamic.  It has gotten to the point where I am reluctant to visit her or talk on the telephone.  How fucking sad is that?

Which brings up another thing...I am trying to stop cursing.  I came to profanity late in life, as in only fifteen years ago, or so.  Factor in that I really, really and truly like swearing and I now have another serious dilemma.  I never curse in front of  family members, but my friends and my writing are fair game.  Add in the continuing drama in my personal environment, and by Saturday evening I was at the end of something, maybe my rope or my thread or something tenuous like that, hard to hold on to and, well, like that.

It is difficult to have any reasonable life if you think that you are letting down everyone around you and I was feeling worse than I have in a very long time.  Seriously worse.

Then I decided that as long as I was feeling so depressed that I might as well work on my budget, such as it is.  Turns out that I am not in as sad a financial shape as I thought.  Because I am old now and have accumulated a lot of crap stuff, I rarely have to buy anything.  Lye and oils for disastrous soap experiments, groceries and gasoline for the car that I use are my major expenses and do not have to be included in the not-buying crap stuff  issue. I am managing to put a little away each month for future traveling, as well.  I am keeping up with my medical costs and can continue to do that as long as I stop getting so sick.  I can still afford to have Saturday Morning Coffee with my friends.  I can still afford to volunteer instead of trying to find a real job that pays real money.  Makes me shudder just considering that possible task.

And, when I added it all up, I can manage very well, am managing very well indeed.  Who woulda thunk it.  Not me, and the simple act of doing that budget work made me feel better.  A lot better. 

I also took a look at my other relationships and I am doing outstanding in that area.  Yay for me.  Work is great and so is my other volunteering jobs.  Double-yay.  I have been asked to curate an exhibit early next year and the yay-for-mes add up nicely.

I guess I have to remember that even though I will never be able to fix some things in my life, I can still do the best of which I am capable, in each moment and just move on.    I have to remember that being dangerously depressed is not so much fun, but it is temporary, despite how unyielding it may seem in the moments that it holds dear.  There is always tomorrow and new opportunities.  It is enough.

One more thing.  I am not spell-checking this writing here.  Let the errors fall where they may.

Stupid "location" will not work, so I am in the moment.