100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 56

Breakfast:  Eggs, bacon, hash browns
Lunch:  Taco Taco, small burrito, two crunchy tacos, huge soda
Dinner:  Crappy, limp salad, a couple of spoons/tastes of some truly heinous clam chowder, some oyster crackers and three lemon wedges
Snack:  The better part of a pound of cherries on the way home from my crappy day, some Kruncher chips

Breakfast with my friends, great coffee, lousy and surly service.  What the hell is wrong with people?  Seriously, the world seems to be full of seriously cranky people, which is somewhat comforting because I can be very cranky and cranked-up, although I keep it to myself, well, most of the time. 

I ate out three times today and accept how messed-up that is.  The lunch one was a place where you are not allowed to give tips, and the counter guy there left his counter during a lull and went around asking everyone if their food was O.K., and if they needed anything, which is totally not the kind of sweet service one would expect in such a humble place, but there it was and the guy was so nice.  When I had ordered and paid for my food, I saw a sign for a lemonade drink that had fruit, as in actual fruit and juice, in it and asked if it had been sweetened, and when the counter guy confirmed that, I mentioned that it looked really great, but that I had to avoid sugar and his reply was, "Well, in that case, just to help you feel better, that stuff is nasty, nasty, nasty!"  He referenced it again when he wandered by to ask if we needed anything.  Such a nice touch.  It happened again later at the drug store when a young guy came up to me and asked if he could help me find anything, which he could and which he did, telling me a couple of cool stories about rock climbing in the process of being super-duper helpful. 

The world is full of nice people like that, which makes the perpetual corps of doofuses (or, is it doofi?) just that much more noticeable.  Dinner with the friend that needs hauling everywhere had the same kind of person.  Sad service and really bad soup.  And, you know, when it comes to receiving service, I am a very low maintenance diner/customer/client/ordinary person.  I never send stuff back when dining.  I am a good consumer so that I never, ever, ever have to return anything to a store.  I do not request any kind of special attention and just go with the flow as much as possible so as to avoid even the merest suggestion of any problem.  I am just as non-confrontational in public as I am in the more private parts of my life.  That makes me sound like a doormat, and I guess that I mostly am that.

Whatever.  You know, I get to where I can stand up and then it just drifts away, that feeling that I have the ability and self-responsibility to do it.  Just...drifts...away...poof...there it goes.

And, it is not helping that I was clearing out some of the junk that I never revisit from my computer files and stumbled into the writings of a friend who lost her son a few years ago.  I read and then went back in time and read from the beginning of that loss, the tragedy and pain of losing that lovely boy.  Then, I was no longer weeping for my own losses and problems, but for the absence of that sweet and wonderful boy and all of the people and places and things that we no longer have in our lives, individually and collectively, all that stuff that makes life worth the struggle, at least it did before it came up missing. 

I know that my sorrow is not unique, at least in the larger aspect of a life, mine, yours, the lives of everyone.   You know that saying about how happy families are alike in their happiness, but unhappy families are unique in their unhappiness.  Yeah, like that.  But, even though our individual pain is specific to the qualities and experiences of each of our lives, the entirety of sadness connects us because we all feel loss and sorrow and pain pretty much the same, as only human bodies and minds and hearts can...that is what connects us.

So, my friend's pain at losing her son is sort of my pain, too, because I knew and loved him in my own way, but it mirrors all of the suffering of my own life.  I feel the same qualities of pain for her loss as I do for my own. 

It is like this stupid visual disorder that I have and that other people, not many, but more than enough, have and when someone reads about what another person's symptoms are like and how it fucks up their life, someone else might say that they really do not have anything to complain about because they view their own symptoms as being less somehow, and that is total bullshit.  The difficulty each person has is equal in significance to that of another person and to compare them is pointless.  We all suffer at our own level of discomfort, pain.  And, it is, it is how we are connected.  

So, I am feeling sad about all of this stuff again, and instead of trying to get rid of it, I think that I might want to, might actually honor it a bit tonight.  I do not intend to wallow, but I am going to allow myself to feel it as fully as possible, immerse myself in the experience, re-experience it as completely as I can, acknowledge it and then let it pass through me, fall away from my physical body and into the earth, my planet, our Mother, where it can be honored and transformed into something good, something wonderful, something life-affirming.  I can do that.

I did not draw this GP, but I did pay for it in a collection of clip art and it (and the slight alteration I made to it) perfectly suits my general lack of understanding and intelligence today.  Yep.  It does.  But, I can transcend it, yes? 

Yes.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Days 52 - 53 - 54

I cannot remember what I have been eating for the past three days.

I know that there were, for breakfasts:
some hard-boiled eggs
some instant oatmeal
a tiny poppy seed muffin
lots of coffee
2 bananas
orange juice
more boiled eggs

What the heck did I have for lunches?

Oh:
a six-inch roast beef flatbread thing from Subway at a tollway rest stop, and a couple of apples and another hard-boiled egg for lunch yesterday.

Then, today, it was Perkins, the senior turkey dinner, with fresh broccoli, mashed potatoes and a roll, but the food was cold and I did not eat the dressing or the roll, but did manage to choke down most of the rest.

Dinners were better.  Two fabulous Amish meals, one hosted at a working farm and the other at a nice, family style restaurant last night.

There were plenty of temptations along the way, but I totally resisted most of them, and only partially caved on two others.  One was an amazing donut with the best pastry cream ever, and a piece of pie last night, from which I took two nice bites and a third of just the whipped topping.  It was a thin layer of the best cheesecake I have ever tasted, a layer of freshly made raspberry jam, pastry cream, the whipped topping and a drizzle of more jam.  It was delicious and the pride of eating just a couple of tastes was the most delicious part.  As we were leaving, they gave each of us a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie that was more shortbread than cookie and I left that behind.

Still, even with all of the will power, I know that my calorie intake (even though I am not counting them) must have been in the stratosphere.  Oh, well.

So, anyway, I was in Amish country for the better part of the past three days.  It was nice to be away, but I worried the entire time about the consequences...here...of actually daring to go on this little trip.  And, I am going to share, Dear Diary, that that particular problem resolved itself.  I am not saying that it will not rear it's huge head again at some future time, but, for now, it is a sleeping monster.  And, all I have to say about any of it is that sometimes, doing the right things for the right reasons and being assured that you will still have to pay some insane and unnamed price for some equally insane and unnamed violation will come to naught.  That means that nothing horrible happened when I returned home late this afternoon.  Nothing.

Unfortunately, it is not because I am a decent person, you know, that right-thing/right-reason person.  Nope, it is because someone who is not me tried to betray me and in the process totally and completely messed up on the betrayal thing and ended up messing up his own plans.  Unfortunately, that still turned out to be my fault, and whilst I am not certain exactly how that is supposed to have happened, I am fine with it.

Besides, when I found out about how messed up the other stuff got, like really and truly messed up, like huge issue messed up and financially seriously messed up, it was impossible to take any relief, much less any pleasure in what happened whist I was away.  And, even though I am very relieved about much of it, I have already tried to help remedy it.  There is no doubt in my mind that being supportive and helpful will still come back to bite me, it is what I am going to do.

And, I am going to schedule and pay for more of these little trips.  It was fun going someplace very different and meeting lots of cool people, well, except for the woman who kept trying to push me out of the way all the time.  I had such a wonderful time, that when everyone else went on a whole bunch of shuttle trips and did all kinds of fun shopping and stuff, I stayed at the hotel, had a couple of apples for lunch, read a huge portion of one of the books I took along and fell asleep whilst reading.  Right there on my bed.  Freaking glorious.

When the tour director person (or whatever her job title is) walked around on the coach asking each person what their favorite part of the trip was, my answer was the nap.  No one to bother me, interrupt me or do anything to me.  It was an absolutely heavenly experience and I hope to have at least two more this year...trips and naps!

It will be interesting to see what happens around here over the next few days.  Tomorrow will find me booking two more trips, both longer than this one (3 days), and the consequence chips may fall where they like.  Not worrying my pretty, little head about any of it.

Now I just have to figure out what there is around here for dinner tonight.  Maybe some soup or something.

GP?  Neigh...errrr...yep!

A couple of final thoughts.  One is that, in the interest and service of honestly, I have to admit that I have caught myself smiling a couple of times whilst typing this.  Yeah, I am glad to have avoided the whole promised/threatened consequence thing, but I am a little amused that things turned out the way they have.  I sincerely do not wish anything bad on anyone, not even someone who is not me (SWINM). Really.  That said, I am smiling about some aspects of the stuff that got messed up.  

I know that makes me a bad person, but I seem unable to stop those muscles from making that face, the smiling one.

The other thought is that maybe something changed.  Maybe it is me.  Maybe not, but something did.  It will be interesting to see how this manifests, and if it will help me stay on course here and actually be healthier at the end of this project.  

I feel hopeful. 

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 37

Breakfast:  Fresh corn
Lunch:  Crackers and, later, chocolate
Dinner:  Meat

So, I wonder if it is true that things fall apart so that other things can fall together.  I hope so, because that old interpersonal stuff is crumbling like the proverbial cookie.  You know, I am trying to minimize the stressors here and I am also wondering about that.  Maybe making nice and always defusing stuff is not the best way to handle that person.  I just do not know.

What I do know is that someone who is not me is trying to mess with some of my projects, most especially a couple of the travel ones.  Someone who is not me refuses to come along on any of these tiny trips, even if I pay for everything, and even though someone who is not me has more resources than any six people could ever use.  Just shakin' my noggin about all of the crap that went down today.

I am not much for praying, although I believe it to be a worthy endeavour.  Still, given the dynamics around here lately, I was totally enchanted by this poster I saw on Pinterest tonight.  And, clearly, I am incapable of leaving something worthy alone and changed the obvious parts.  Still works, though.

I pray

...for my someone-who-is-not-me to have a relationship with a higher power.
...that blessings would shower on my someone-who-is-not-me.
...for my someone-who-is-not-me to be a strong and ethical leader for our family.
...for my someone-who-is-not-me to love me deeply, but really, I would settle for even a bit less dislike.
...for my someone-who-is-not-me to have a heart for our children and their children.
...for my someone-who-is-not-me to make wise (and did I mention ethical) choices.
...for my someone-who-is-not-me to experience wonderful physical, emotional and mental health.
...for my someone-who-is-not-me to prosper at everything desired, work, play, everything.
...for my someone-who-is-not-me to manifest ethical interpersonal relationships.
...that I will always feel and express respect, grace, kindness and flat-out love for someone-who-is-not-me, always and most especially when none of that is offered to me, yeah, most especially then.

Anyway, not too badly of the whole eating thing today, although there seems to be a serious lack of vegetables lately, and, seriously, corn does not qualify as a healthy vegetable.  Really.   I guess it has to count for at least eating breakfast, though, yes?

I am planning on concentrating on the remote possibility that some new things will fall into something useful.  Not holding my breath, but still holding the hope.  I am holding and grateful to the Universe that I have my work and friends and stuff, because I am sorely tested here at home and as unsuccessful at making this work that it is possible to be.  Back on the better track tomorrow and the next day and...

GP.  One of my most favorite so far.  Softly.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 21

Breakfast:  Eggs, steak, fruit, freaking bran muffin
Lunch:  Lobster, cauliflower, yogurt dip
Dinner:  Cauliflower, yogurt dip

So, anyway, Saturday is coffee and breakfast with my friends.  It used to be just coffee, but we ran out of just plain coffee shops and started going to places where they serve more than muffins and bagels and stuff like that.  I think that I am quitting the group because two of them are so rude to the wait staff and all complainy and generally being pains in the ass. It is uncomfortable all of the time, and downright embarrassing some of the time.  No one will say anything to either of them, and I am no exception, mostly because I do not want anyone else to call me out on any of my crap.  One of them is late for everything.  Really, everything.  Yet, each week she complains to us and sometimes to a waiter about how long it takes for her to get her food.  This one makes me laugh...a lot...because she groused about how it took ten minutes for her to get her pot of tea, even after the waiter shared with her that it was taking a little longer to be prepared.  Yeah, she is mostly amusing; so is the other woman.  I like them so much, but really, the Universe does not revolve around any of us, particularly in a busy restaurant.  Yes?  Aw, more likely I am being too critical, to judgmental, to much of a bitch.  Either way, staying home will be better for everyone.

I guess that will eliminate the muffin issue I faced today.  The place they chose does not have any à la carte items.  You have to order a whole, pre-designed meal.  You can try to ask to not have some of the items, like fried or hashed potatoes, toast, English muffins and regular muffins, but they sometime bring them to the table anyway.  I am guessing that bringing everything eliminates any fuss from their customers about paying for a whole meal and not ordering all of it's components.  So, they give you everything and you get to decide if you want to eat it.

Yeah, great solution to bartering customers, but there is that toast or some kind of muffin sitting there, a little glossy on top, raisins poking out from the branny and delicious smelling goodness.  My goodness.  I offered the muffin to the table, but because all of them got their whole meal, there were no takers, not even to take it home for later.

I ate my eggs and the tiny, rare, tender steak.  I nibbled at the sliced and diced fruit, then ate most of it.  I drank cup after cup of coffee (easy to do as they leave pots of it at the table), hoping to fill myself up so that there would be no room for muffins.  Man.  There was room for muffins.  I ate nearly half of it.  It was wonderful, nice and crumbly because of all the bran, just enough raisins.  But, it also had sugar in it, and some regular flour to hold it all together.  No bliss there.

Even worse than eating half is that I brought the other half home and ate it mid-afternoon, although I am counting it as breakfast.

Why, after three weeks of this do I have such a ridiculously low amount of self control?  I suck.  Really.

Alrighty, then, the lobster.  I have been tossing out too much food that has gone bad waiting for me to cook it.  I could pack those things away in the freezer, but I have only a small, bottom of the fridge freezer and it is already full of food that I never cooked and have socked away in there so that I would not have to throw it in the garbage.  Now, if I would actually thaw some of that crap and cook it, there would be room for more potential garbage, but I do not thaw and cook for the very same reason that all of that stuff ended up in the freezer in the first place.

I run out of energy to do much actual cooking.  For a while, I was buying frozen meals when they were on sale and eating those.  It was great.  They start off in the freezer and they eventually get eaten and there is no waste.  But, then I decided to eat more healthy food and that is why the freezer is at full capacity.

My solution is to shop for just a couple of days at a time.  So far it is working fine.  I have thrown away only some leftovers and some greens that went all wonky.  It means more stops on the way home from work and stuff, but that is not a problem, except when my energy fails and it is too difficult to stop, shop and haul my sorry behind in and out of the store.  For those days, I have filled a small shelf with canned soup, microwave popcorn and crackers.  There is iceberg lettuce, apples and some kind of hardy vegetable in the refrigerator almost all of the time, just to give the healthy food thing some credibility.

Got all my bases covered.

The  larder here was pretty empty.  Condiments, sugar-free syrups (for making plain water more appealing), pre-cooked bacon, and some cilantro is what was in there.  So, I stopped at a market on the way home from coffee this morning.  They were having a sale on lobster.  You paid $10 for one, about a pound each I guess, they cooked it for you in these huge cauldrons in front of the store, chilled them in ice water and you were set to go.

It was really good, that poor dead creature.  It was perfectly cooked and I ate everything edible, including the coral, which I really like.  It was a late lunch, after 3:00, but so filling and satisfying, juicy and, like, perfect.  So, not hungry much at dinner, and more cauliflower and some yogurt with ranch dressing powder was fine.

I have to take one of my ss women to lunch tomorrow, but for the next few days I am all set.  I have individually portioned, frozen beef patties, a couple of smoked port chops, green beans, the rest of the cauliflower (a bit more than half), peaches for breakfast or dinner tomorrow, 2 dozen eggs (some of which I will hard cook), celery, a tomato, asparagus, lemon juice for making rosewater lemonade, plenty of yogurt, blueberries, and the iceberg lettuce.

You know, I do not want to eliminate all sweets and other pleasurable foods from what I eat.  I do not want to make this about sacrifice so severe that I am afraid to enjoy myself and what I eat.  I have several trips scheduled for next month, August and October, and I want to eat the meals they provide and not get all angsty about what I am eating or not eating.

What I am doing now has to be a way of eating that I can comfortably follow for the rest of my life.  That is supposed to be the path to healthful eating that can last a lifetime.  Anything else will not work, and I have decades of proof that drastically changing to only certain foods is an exercise in failure on a grand scale.  I have already lost enough weight to notice it.  My clothes feel slightly looser and there is a reduction in the bulge-age in a certain area.  My bra is too big and some of my big girl panties are in danger of dropping when I least expect or desire them to do so.

So, this is working, and I would like to keep it that way.  I do not want to deprive myself of yummy and delicious alternatives to the junk and carbs that have been the mainstay of my diet for so long.  I am spending more money on groceries, but the quality of food has dramatically increased.  So, it is all good.  No one knows how much longer they will live, I am no exception to that, and I would very much like to spend the remaining time that I have not being fat.  I would like that very, very much.

Maybe every incidence of slippage in the whole will-power failures has been an opportunity to examine what food means to me beyond something that keeps you alive.  Maybe I need to pay closer attention to those incidents.  Not let them discourage or define me.

There are moments when this seems too difficult.  A month ago I would have sworn that I was not a person who ate in response to emotions.  An emotional eater?  Not me.  Now I know that I eat according to how I feel, particularly when I am feeling frightened, threatened and lonely.  That is such a difficult thing to accept.  Yet, if this is going to work this time, I have to find a way to deal with this, understand and resolve it and then get rid of it, once and for all.  Oh, maybe not completely, I know myself fairly well, but I would dearly love to leave most of that baggage behind me, along with the flab.

That would be so lovely.  Finding a way to care about myself enough to make choices that are truly in my own, best self interest.  I help my clients manifest that in their lives, perhaps I can do it for myself, too.  I had no intention to get all serious about this process. I wanted it to be easier than that, more like, well, just easier.  I am avoiding the scale, which has never been my friend.  I am not measuring and weighing portions, allowing my tummy to alert me when it is full, or at least satisfied.  I am still walking without my cane.  I lost count of how many days, but is is more than a week.  I did too much last Tuesday and took it in to work with me, concerned that a twelve-hour day at two locations might prove more than my knees and hip could handle on their own.  I will admit that I am taking more pain medication, but I think that cane made it possible for me to walk with less energy and certainly much less assurance.  By the end of the day my knees are not too bad, but my hips are, only sometimes, an agony.  This, too, will pass, yes?

All of this, the entire process, just seems right.  I am not stressed about it, well, except for my problems with the damn sweets.  I always believed that I was not a fan of sweet stuff.  Given a choice, I would always choose something salty, crunchy, and if you could put sour cream on it, that was even better.  I am simply going to trust that this works out the way it is supposed to and that this weakness for sweet stuff will pass.

I have three new GPs.  This is one of them.  It is named, Karma-O-Whirl:

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 17

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch:  Japanese restaurant, whole bunch of vegetables, some pork, sushi, two chicken wing parts, fruit, diet cola
Dinner: Sushi, toast

All right.  It is always cheaper to eat at home than it is to eat where you show up, sit down (mostly), and eat food that someone else cooked or otherwise prepared.  Well, if you give them money, of course.

Except, today I spent less on eating out food than I would have for staying home food.  Yep.  Especially when you factor in how much food I throw away because I never get around to cooking the stuff.  Oh, the shame of it all!  Yep.

I kind of wondered if I would have any self control, but I did.  This place has sushi, of course, and they cook your food to order.  So, I gathered together the same, as in nearly, practically, almost exactly the same ingredients that I use at home for dinner many nights.  Cool.  Plus, I had nice fruit.  Plus, I had as much diet cola as I wanted.  Way cool.  Plus, I bought some extra sushi to bring home for dinner.

So, it was not all that bad, but sushi is much better freshly made.  Just saying.  Yep.  I have some left, in anticipation of taking it to work tomorrow for lunch.  Uh, I think not.  Man.  More wasted food for the trash.  Shame redux.  Argh.

Between mentoring, lunch, Walmart and groceries, I walked nearly all day.  But, I refused to take the cane.  I am stupid.  I did redeem myself by buying a decent keyboard...smarter...which I would not have needed if I had not tried to be frugal when buying the other one...back to stupid.

Let's see if Photobucket works tonight.  Named, well, it does not have a name.  Does not need a name.  It is only a pumpkin.  Yep.

Woo-hoo!!!

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 15

Breakfast:  Yogurt, blueberries, 4 or 5 ounces of the roasted duck, 2.5 inch round piece of cake
Lunch: Green peppers, yogurt dip (a little powdered ranch dressing mix)
Dinner: 3 ounces of Snapea Crisps, two beers, conversation with two online friends

That freaking cake.  I managed to not finish the yellow cake from yesterday and I tossed the other sweets, but I missed that muffin-shaped one and I ate the damn thing.  Now, just for dinner, awfully late by the way, I started with a beer whilst on-line chatting with a couple of friends, one just across the little pond and the other in Australia.  I like them both so much and our conversations are always funny, and mostly irreverent.  I especially like the sassy parts.

Looking back on the day, I guess that I did not eat a lot of crap, just that cake piece.  It was so good.  It was so satisfying and if there is cake around her again I will eat it without any real guilty feelings.  It just tastes so good.  All of the homemade yogurt, fresh fruit and whole grains simply cannot hope to compete with a nice piece of cake.  Lordy.  Looking back on the day indicates that the only fiber I got was from the berries and peppers, which is not enough to keep my colon happy.  So, more fiber before bed.

It was a long and lazy day.  No energy for getting anything done.  Even a three-hour nap did not help.  Nor did resting.  I do battle with WW tomorrow and I hope I actually get out and do that.  My lungs are loggy or soggy or something.  Breathing hurts, even with using the inhaler.  More decongestants and more rest.  It has been a month since this last bout began and whilst I am slowly getting better, I still feel like crap.  This week has only the basics and I am hoping to visit my daughter and the babies.  Even to myself, I cannot make any promises.

You know, I look at my calendar now, with all of the past-their-usefulness-commitments gone and it looks so empty.  I am glad to have it so, and will be glad for the summer break, as well.  But, it looks so empty!!!  I guess that I am never satisfied.  I am yearning for travel, but the next time is a single day to an adjoining state and it is not for more than a month.  Maybe I will just take the little pond ferry over and then back on Thursday.  I cannot spend a week or even a few days at the place I could stay in town because, well, I shared that already and I do not want to add any sadness to the end of a respectably decent day.

Too tired today to make a new GP, so here is one that makes me laugh.  It is named, "What's up doc?":

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 5 and Day 6

Thursday, May 12
100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 5

Breakfast:  Yogurt and strawberries
Lunch: Another one of those chicken thighs, roasted asparagus.
Dinner: Cheese crackers, three sugar-free chocolates, the little kinds
Lots of water

Only the fifth day and I am wavering.  Oh, my commitment is fine, but my old body is just not up to the task today.  I dragged out the calendar and figured out that I have been unwell for nearly seven months.  There were several bouts of infection that required 2-3 weeks of antibiotics, but I mostly am just tired and sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

I am sticking with the healthy eating.  Dammit.  I really am.  I expect that my body will take as long to adjust to the lack of refined carbs and other junky kinds of foods at it needs to take.  This stuff takes time.  It must be like detoxing or something.  You try really hard to stop doing some thing and you feel worse for a while.  I know that happens when I have a really bad infection.  I have to keep reminding myself about this so that I do not lose heart and give up.  Because, you know, I really do not want to, well, you know.

It is only that I wish that I had more energy.  I did not do any of the errands and other household stuff that I needed to accomplish today.  I kept taking to my bed, reading and resting.  The new fiction is titled You Believers.  It is good.  Gritty, but good.  The first part had my heart pounding, honest, and by the looks of things, I am not going to read about the resolution of that part until the end of the book.  Good thing I am not inclined to skip to the end.

I did get a half-hour nap, but that kept me alert only for a couple of hours.  The only reason that I am even writing now is that I have to find a way to stay awake until it is closer to bedtime.  A six-hour nap during the daytime does not do anyone any good, no matter what you may think otherwise.  So, I am trying to stay awake for another two hours, at least.

I have another upper-respiratory something.  Dark clouds in and escaping from my upper sinuses, wheezing, coughing and general malaise.  However, I am not going to the doctor because all that happens there is more meds that only depress my system.  Exactly what that system is, I have no idea, but it is there and it is depressed.  Maybe it needs some chocolate to pump up the endorphins or something.

Patience...where are you?  I just need to get through these first few weeks.  On a brighter note, I did not succumb to the siren call of the maraschino cherries.  Score one for the exhausted, ooey-gooey bod.  Snort...hack...leak.

More guilty pleasure...

O.K., so I made the hope cloud image a few days ago.  Then, early this evening (Friday, which is when Blogger would finally allow new posting) I was reading my latest library book and one of the characters was gazing up at the sky and another character said something like she was looking at the sky as though she could read hope in the clouds, or something like that.   How freaking cool is that!!

Friday, May 13

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 6

Breakfast: Nothing.  Shame on me.
Lunch:  Half of a Subway roast beef sandwich, no dressing, lots of vegetables, a little Provolone cheese
Dinner: Stir fry, pork, tons of celery, pea pods, mushrooms, onions, 1 big jalapeno.  Pineapple and a cookie for dessert.  Tea.
Lots of water all day. 

Since this began, I have been drinking at least a gallon of water each day, and will be able to have more when I get the water filter going.  I have a Britta pitcher and finally found filters for it.  They have to soak for a while before you can use them, and I keep forgetting.  Our tap water is icky and I know I can drink more when the pitcher is ready.

So.  Breakfast.  Did not have any today.  I felt so icky yesterday and had no energy.  I took a walk around the block, hoping to get something going in my body, but it did not work and I had a short nap.  It sort of helped, but by the time I went to bed, I was at the point of being overtired and not able to sleep.  So, I read until nearly 4:00 a.m., fell asleep and was up at my usual 6:30-ish waking up time. 

I fed the cats and went back to bed.  When I next woke, it was just after 11:00 a.m. and I had a hour to pull everything together and get to the gallery.  I made it, and stopped at the Subway place for a foot-long roast beef and veggie.  I ate half of it on the way to work and then forgot about the rest.  Oh, well, such a waste, though.

I was just hungry enough to eat well at dinner.  After, a friend stopped by with ice cream and I had a scoop of chocolate and a half-scoop of strawberry.  I made him take the rest home with him, so I am safe for the moment.  I should have been able to say 'no' to it, but I did not.  This is only the sixth day and I had better get more effective control over my appetites and my ability to restrain myself, or this hundred days will seem much longer.  I thought about making myself begin over again, at day 1, at each fall-down, but that means that I would likely being finishing the hundred days sometime next decade.  My health cannot wait that long.

I was sitting in the gallery this afternoon and the day was going so slowly, so I had a lot of time to people watch and think.  Whilst that was happening, the detachments in my left/good eye kept bothering me and I had this notion that it may be too late to save my health, and it was so alarming a thought in that moment I felt afraid that I might really just freaking die.  Then I started to worry about having another heart attack thing and I was spiralling all over the place, shame, anger, fear and a sense of loss that took me beyond tears into such a hopeless state.

I have no one to blame for the sorry state of my health but myself.  I alone am responsible for getting to this point.  Only I can do what needs to be done to get back on that path to health, but I am so afraid that it might be too late.  What if I have done irreparable damage to my body? 

I know that people come back from devastating heart damage or crippling strokes (another concern as per my internist) or horrible accidents.  I find no comfort in any of that, because I may have too many critical health issues at one time. 

You know, I was sitting there and those vision issues were what started the whole spiral thing and I thought, well, maybe I will be lucky and will only lost most or all of my sight.  You know, maybe that would not be so bad, at least it is better than dying. 

But, I do not want any of it to happen.  I want to get healthier, lose weight, take care of my heart, not have strokes or lose any toes or end up with seriously compromised vision or anything.  I want to be strong, dedicated and faithful and fix it all.  I am taking all of my medications and walking and eating well, or as well as my stupid human nature will allow.  I am now, finally, doing what I should have been doing, what I knew all along I should have been doing.  I am doing it.  But, what if it is too late?

I do not have the heart for any guilty pleasure today.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 4

Day 4.  Wow, four whole days without any of the usual suspects in my usual dietary universe.

Breakfast:  Plain yogurt over blackberries.
Lunch:  More greens, medium tomato, the other half of that avocado, some vinaigrette.  Half an apple.  A chicken thigh, no skin.  Five or six of those green pea cracker things. 
Dinner:  Stir fry, with lots of celery (love, love, love celery), white onions, mushrooms, jalapeno peppers (like two whole ones), about a quarter cup each of pork and shrimp.  Steamed/fried in the pan, no sauce, only a little freshly ground pepper and some chili paste.  Diet cola, I am so weak.  About a cup of pineapple.  Three maraschino cherries (they are almost gone and will soon stop tempting me).

Alrighty, then.  Breakfast was nice and filling and absolutely delicious.  Packages of blackberries were a buck at the market the other day.  They are now all gone, but they were lovely whilst they lasted.  So yummy.  However, I was really, really hungry by 10:30 a.m., and it was all I could do to not eat my pencil before lunch.  I might have to add a bit of steel cut oats, steamed in almond milk or something.  I mean, I was really hungry.  Distressingly so.  It kind of makes me laugh right now because I am such a baby.  Yep.

Also, by the time 7:00 p.m. rolled around, I felt tired and hungry.  I cooked only what I wanted to eat, volume-wise, so was not tempted to finish any leftovers.  Now, I am thinking that doing that, cooking just the amount of food that I should properly be eating might help me to rein in my portion sizes, even though I am not paying attention to those, or calories, or the freaking scale.  Although, I have to admit that I am going to quickly become disenchanted with cooking or preparing every single meal with just the ingredients appropriate for each meal.  There is a compromise between preparing just enough for a single meal and making recipes or whatever that can feed me for days and days without all that freaking preparation.

I brushed my teeth right after dinner, in the pathetic hope that it will prevent me from eating any more of anything before bed.  I am not hungry, but I do experience hunger after I settle in for the night, as I read for an hour or so before falling asleep.  I go to sleep hungry and it has not killed me or anything, but my growling stomach is not the tiniest bit placated by my assurances that none of us is going to starve overnight.  My flab has assured my gut that it will keep the energy going until breakfast, but, honestly, no one is very happy about this.  I know that time, probably not more than a week or so, will take care of the extreme hunger pangs, but try to tell that to your tummy.  Really.   See how far you get. 

Besides, if you do not eat dinner until somewhere around 7-8 p.m., there is absolutely no reason to feel any measure of hunger before you go to sleep.  I suspect that the disconnect is in my brain, or my recent habits.  It is a stretch, even I admit that, but perhaps there is a way to blame this on one of the political parties.  You know, like they and their messages are poluting the energy on the planet and that is what is making it so hard for people to lose weight; like our flab is the only thing left on to which we can cling for comfort in an unsettled and wonky world.

Work today was as amazing as always.  I think that my clients are wonderful to trust me and go through the process the way that they do.  I am asking them to think of their lives in a way they have never before considered.  Many of them have few resources, which makes their willingness to take this journey with me all the more remarkable.  They, as a whole, totally, freaking rock. 

The ones who do not rock, well, they will continue to walk their darker paths for as long as it serves them to do so.  There is some quality of or need for suffering that is essential to how they are living.  From my outsiders perspective, it seems to be some kind of martyr complex, as though their suffering makes them better or holier or more sensitive or some damn thing, as opposed to us lesser mortals.  It is a very snobbish, superior self-view; they seem to relish sharing the details of how miserable they are, especially if it is in response to someone else in their lives who is not supportive of them.

Now, please do not misunderstand.  I have been where they are.  It is how I recognize it in them.  And, even with my experiences in moving beyond that ego-driven state, I cannot, do not discuss these aspects with them.  Frankly, it is not any of my business, but even if it were, they have to keep doing that stuff until the payoff in suffering reaches some limit beyond which they can move on to being more productive in their relationships.  And, you know, there is another quality to doing that.  It is that you become addicted or sensitized to the drama.  It is like a feel-good drug to be suffering so.  Pshaw all you like.  If you have been there you know exactly what I am talking about. 

So, tomorrow will be some cooking for the freezer.  Maybe a soup in the slow-cooker.  I have lots of frozen vegetables and a whole chicken that would take beautifully to that.  All those delicious containers of soupy goodness will be perfect for work lunches.  I have to begin making bread again, too.  Got to have healthy carbs to sop up the broth, you know.

A new book, fresh from the publisher, to read tonight.  Fiction.  It looks like a mystery, but with creepy stuff in it, as well.  It also looks like it may take only a week of bedtime reading to finish it.  Oh, and I got that Stephen Somebody's Rodale book about the new American diet.  Something about how we are missing micronutrients in some of the food we eat, ummmm, and bad stuff that gets in the food supply from poluted runoff or some damn thing.  I think he calls that stuff obesogens.  Huh.  Anyway, I tried to read it at lunchtime, but one of the security guards wanted to wax philosophic and it was difficult to read and murmur back at him. 

Off to bed, to read, to sleep, to dream of a body that moves through the world with more grace, more confidence and less stress on my joints.

My new guilty pleasure.

100 Days Redux

The 100 days idea worked really well for getting me started in divesting all of my crap and actually doing a significant amount of said divesting.  So, I thought, just this minute when beginning this little posting, hell, why not try that again, babycakes!

Today is Day 3, mostly since I had two great days previous to now.

I am hungry all the time.  I know that this damned appetite of mine will settle down eventually, but if today had not been so busy that I could not fit in everything I wanted to do, well, I would have eaten stuff.

The day began with having an obligation to someone else, so no breakfast.  There was a tiny break in between that and the next thing, so I did what I had to do and used the drive-through at the only restaurant available.  There was a diner or coffee house or something right there, as well, but I did not have enough time to use either of them.  A quarter pound hamburger and a huge diet cola, which I needed as much...if not more...than the sandwich. 

I then did the second thing and moved on to buy the keyboard I need for one of the computers I use at the library, get new socks and, since I needed a flash drive I bought a Hello Kitty one.  I have to say that between socks without holes and that cute, little Kitty and her matching ear buds, I was having a very nice time.  Yes.  I was.

On to the grocery store for cash for WW and as long as I was there, I decided to shop for groceries.  Man, what a concept.  Anyway, fruit was not on the shopping list, vegetables were, but the sales were too good to pass up.  Strawberries, blackberries, avocado and tomatoes.  A huge box of spring greens and a small container of crumbled bleu cheese.  Salad dressing.  Chicken thighs, artichokes and asparagus.  Oh, dear, how did vegetables sneak in there?  More plain yogurt to have with the fruit, some eggs for hard cooking, and a package of those frozen hamburger patties.  I see people buying them all the time, so they must be good, plus they are easy to cook and because they are frozen patties to begin with, they will not rot in the refrigerator before I get around to cooking and eating them.  I threw out a stunning and shameful amount of food-gone-bad today.  Meat, cauliflower, eggs, cheese, salad greens.  Just fucking shameful.  I may not have bought the optimally healthy kinds of foods today, but I think that I did well enough to get by and it is my hope that none of it gets tossed because it is to smelly or oozy to eat.

The best part of shopping was that the drive-through burger gave me a little gastric upset and I had to spend more time in the grocery store restroom that anyone should have to spend.  I am kind of glad that it happened.  It is a nice reminder that that kind of food does not agree with my tummy.  I think that I will keep almonds and walnuts in the car just in case that fierce kind of hunger strikes again and I am not at home to take proper care of it.

Then, my energy broke and I went straight home, skipping the pharmacy and the WW meeting.  Fine.  That sort of thing is going to keep happening, although I am hoping to not dump the meetings any more than necessary.  If their process is going to work for me I have to go to the meetings. 

As I was sitting in the car, waiting to feel well enough to drive home, the radio was on and there was a news item about weight loss programs.  Jenny Craig was on the top of the good results of the study, and Weight Watchers was not.  WW got points for their new plus-something-something, but low marks for the lack of supporting research or something like that.  Whatever.  JC requires that you buy their food, and their membership fee is a whopping $400.00 per year.  Maybe that is why it works, it limits your choices and your ability to do other stuff.  Exactly how does that help me learn to eat in what passes for my real world?

As a bonus for not making everything happen today, when I was off to do the first thing for someone, I had my arms full of stuff for the second obligation.  In the process, I put a huge compartment box of beads on the roof of the car, along with a brand-new tube of jewelry adhesive.  They were the project for the second thing.  It was going to be cool.  Making as many bracelets and/or necklaces as the students could make in the time we have together. 

So, anyway, you have to know where this is going, I get to the school and, wonder of wonders, the huge box of beads is nowhere to be found.  I look everywhere, in every bag.  No beads.  Then, I stand back and stare at the car, like it is going to start talking to me.  And, then I see the space on the roof where the beads no longer reside because they fell off sometime during the early part of driving away from home this morning. 

Wherever they are, they are not going to be part of anything I do.  They were, still are, nice beads, really nice beads and whomever found the box is going to have big fun with them.  Taking them to the school was part of divesting them.  With any luck, most of them would have been gobbled up during the project.  They are still gone, just by a different route.

We were still able to do something, because I had a small ton of ribbons in the car, leftovers from another project.  We made braided key chains and bracelets.  I made a thing to attach my purse/bag to the chair when I go to restaurants.  Will not need it for the drive-through, but nice to have anyway.

I did not get what I needed from the pharmacy, nor was I able to go to a meeting or look for shoes in which I can walk with relative comfort.  I did, however, eat fairly well.

Very late breakfast:  drive-through burger and a large diet cola.
Late lunch a chicken thigh, two ears of corn, a cup of blackberries.
Late dinner was a huge salad, four cups of loosely shaken into the bowl greens, a medium tomato (which tasted divine), half a small avocado, two or three tablespoons crumbled bleu cheese, splash of oil dressing.
Lots of water all day.

Tomorrow is going to be more difficult.  I usually reward myself with dinner out, Asian, for a very busy and stressful workday.  I order mostly vegetables, a little shrimp and a bunch of sushi.  No sauces.  Maybe a soft roll and some rice, but not always.  Almost always fresh fruit for dessert when I actually order dessert.  Lots of lovely tea. 

Man, that choice, whether to go home for a late dinner or go out for a late dinner is slightly less than 24 hours in the future and I am already conflicted about what I am going to do.  I suck.  In my defense, my day is from shortly after 8 a.m. until after 7 p.m., a long, long day, with only a lunch break.  By the time I leave there, the prospect of a nice, mostly healthy dinner is one that is not easy to entertain.

I give up.  Going to bed, to try to find that darn library book that I have to keep renewing because I cannot find the darn thing, take a quick shower, read a bit and hope that I make the right dinner choice tomorrow.

Gosh, only 97 more days of this.  Thud.