100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 58

Breakfast:  Watermelon, corn
Lunch:  Corn
Dinner:  Cottage cheese, seedy rice crackers
Snack:  8 ounces of canned pineapple in juice, 3 snack-sized packages of dried cranberries...oh, the shame
Snack:  Cottage cheese...and hide the crackers!!

So, anyway, I bought these crackers because they had few ingredients, brown rice flour and a whole bunch of seeds.  I thought that I could eat something healthy and if they were terrible, so much the better.  Not that I wanted terrible tasting crackers, but it would be at least one thing that was reasonable in my cabinet.  Unfortunately, they are really delicious.  I was using the quiet around here today to catch up on refining some resources for my clients.  By the time I got around to the crackers, I was deep into some complicated stuff and before I knew it, the cheese was gone and I had been dipping my hand into the cracker bag and had eaten lots.  Too many, but at least they are healthy, yes?

The second snack is not yet eaten, but that might happen any minute now.

Yesterday's SAD is over it seems.  I am back to what passes for normal here, eating wise, and it feels much better.  I intentionally ate much less today.  Yeah, I know that you cannot make up for overeating like that, just like you cannot really catch up on missed sleep, but it made me feel a bit more virtuous or something.  You know, this whole eating issue is such a burden for me.  I have a freaking lifetime of neglect, lack of resources, guilt and shame to last a dozen lifetimes. 

All I want is to come to some reasonableness, some measure of comfort, a ceasefire, if you will, before I die, which if I am unable to accomplish this might be much sooner than I want.  It is O.K. to not want to die too soon, yes?  To not lose any toes to diabetes or go blind or have a stroke, yes?  Yes.  But, if I continue to be unable to find the courage, some responsibility or strength of character to care enough about myself so that I can embrace health and all of the work that it requires, then I am going to die in the near-ish future, or wish that I would.  I can do this crap for other people, why is it so difficult to do it for myself?  Whatever.

GP

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 42

Breakfast:  Drive-through sandwiches, 2 of them, Diet Rite, 1
Lunch:  Reuben sandwich, inside of a piece of rhubarb custard pie, cole slaw
Dinner:  Huge salad of iceberg, cucumbers, carrots, celery, tomato and a tiny bite of three pasta salads, 1 roll, butter, 3 tiny cup things of the best soup I have had in a long time
Snacks:  See below...somewhere

The day started early, so I was unable to make breakfast at home, thus the two breakfast sandwiches, which I finished whilst waiting for the coach to come to pick up the weekend gamblers.

So, O.K., there were snacks on the coach.  Lots of snacks.  I mistyped it as smacks, and they were pretty much that.  Apparently, the belief of this tour director is to keep everyone eating, munching and playing bingo so as to reduce any spare time for the old folks to fall into mischief.  It worked.  There was a contest to guess how many Tootsie Roll Pops were in the jar.  Only one person won, but everyone got two suckers.  One was pomegranate flavoured, and it was and it was yummy.

Then sweet and salty snacks, like in full sized packages, were passed out.  Then Twizzlers and, gosh, I cannot remember everything.  By the time we arrived at the casino, it was a miracle that everyone was still awake.  I am guessing the bingo helped for those who were playing.

Dinner was at any of the restaurants and, slowly recovering from my blood-sugar coma, I chose the one with the salad bar option.  There was not a huge selection, and the pasta salads were kind of foul and what the hell was that dessert thing that looked like some kind of cinnamon scented school paste?  Everything else was just what you want, fresh, crisp and delicious.  I took some blue cheese dressing and dipped all of the stuff into it.  But, the star was the whitefish chowder.  If I thought that I would not look the fool by going back for a fourth little cup, I would have.  Their cups/bowls held only a half-cup measure, so I really am not such a pig as it might seem.

After that lovely dinner, I went to spend the free playing money they give everyone and then hauled myself to my room, which was fabulous.  I was looking forward to watching television, but it was so confusing that I finally gave up and just went to sleep.

Now, this trip.  Someone who is not me did not want me to go.  That person never wants me to go anywhere, not to work, not to visit our daughter, not to visit with his family, not Saturday morning coffee with my friends, not anywhere.  This would not be such a big deal for me, but promises were made for retirement time.  Every one was broken and now because that someone does not want to go anywhere, the only reasonable extension of that is that no one goes anywhere.  That has been the rule for, well, for always, but it simply is not good enough any more.

Financially, we are in much the same place as most people, perhaps a bit better.  It is with great reluctance that I am allowed to use one of the cars and put gasoline in it.  You know, I am really and truly grateful for being allowed to do that.  We do not have public transportation within four miles of here, and without that car, I would have to stay home or beg rides from other people.  But, really, how often can you do that, the whole expecting other people to haul your sorry ass around.  More importantly, I would not be able to see my daughter and her family very often, nor could I do any volunteer work and that would distress me beyond understanding.  I am also allowed to spend money on groceries, but I suspect that is because I am willing to do the shopping.  Other than that, I pay for everything out of my social security, which I am totally fine doing.

So, dear Diary, I am not going to complain about this anymore, but I am still going to keep planning these small and unbelievably inexpensive trips.  I will still offer to pay for someone who is not me to come along on them, well, at least some of them, but I am not going to stop going and I am not going to be buried by the consequences of being independent about this.  I am willing to pay the cost for keeping on with this.  O.K., I will probably weaken when it is especially bad and complain, although I hope to not do it too often.

One more day of the trip to post about.

Do I have any stockpiled GPs?

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 35

Breakfast:  Eggs, maybe a quarter cup of hash browns, a pancake with margarine and syrup, tons of coffee
Lunch:  Restaurant meal, turkey breast, mashed potatoes, gravy, a tiny bit of cranberry sauce, some really excellent steamed, fresh broccoli, half a small roll, 2 glasses of diet cola, half a piece of french silk pie
Dinner:  Shame and a carton of Häagen-Dazs

I had breakfast with the friends this morning, followed by an extra (and long) session with a client who cannot come during the week, as she does not want her current employer to know that she is pumping up her résumé for a possible new job.  She is not sure she want to make the switch at this time, but has to make a decision by a deadline this week.  She is under the impression that I did great things for her, but the truth is that the most important work that I do with clients is to help them open that part or parts of themselves where the work can be done.  I am just the facilitator, just another tool.

Well, so far so good, yes?  Yes.  Then I picked up the woman that I take to lunch and her appointments and errands.  It was so frustrating that I told her that today's lunch was our last.  Today was the final scene that did me in.  So, no more of her making a huge fuss about money and how much I tip and all the rest.  The fussing she does with sales clerks is also to much of a strain.  I know that it is selfish of me, I do, I am selfish, but being embarrassed by her tirades against me and others when we are out and about is just too, well, embarrassing.  Humiliating to be on the receiving end of that all the time.  It is over.  From now on she gets three hours, door to door, no more meals, only errands and doctor appointments.  I doubt that she is taking this seriously.  And, you know, it is not my problem that she cannot get along well enough with her family to be able to live close to them.  I am willing to be her friend, but not her servant.

So, anyway, by the time the nearly seven hours today was over, I was exhausted and firmly ashamed of myself for not being able to be more patient.  I kept thinking today that I would want someone to be more patient and supportive of me when I am unable to get myself around comfortably, at least more so than I am able to be for her lately.  Seriously, Universe, please help me to be a better person.

Then, I had to stop at the market because there is not much food around here and I was totally dreading it, knowing how likely it was that I would buy all kinds of inappropriate stuff.  I mostly did fine, with lots of supportive self-talk and reminding myself that I will be traveling a bit over the next three weeks and that everything is going to be fine and 'no' I do not need that cake or those chewy rolls or that frozen pizza or even the chocolate covered strawberries in the produce department.  Really, baby, those strawberries need to stay right there, really they do.  It's O.K., put them back, you will be fine.  Really.  You will.

So, I went and got some meat and green peppers, cottage cheese, a few boxes of those low-calorie frozen meal things, eyeliner, cat food, more cat food and on the way to the checkout, I grabbed two cartons of ice cream.  Granted, they are the little 14 ounce-ers, but they are each a freaking 14 ounces!  Lordy.

I put them back.  Then turned back and took three, turned again, put two back, turned once more and took one of them and finally checked-out.  The interesting part, you know, aside from the total lack of self-control part, is that the four people in front of me were buying only alcohol.  Three customers buying cases of beer and the guy right in front of me with a bottle of whiskey.  I had the audacity to think to myself, hey, do you need any booze?  I stayed in line, but just barely.

Dinner was a half-hour ago and it was one of the cartons of ice cream.  I am wallowing in shame, spiralling in waves of shame and then I realize that it is only just a carton of ice cream.  It is dairy and it had lots of fruit in it, and for the moment I am in denial about the sugar, although the eggs could redeem this a bit.  It really could have been worse.  I could have chowed down on so many other things and whilst there is still another ice cream in the freezer, I think that my melty fail just now is not the end of the world, much less the end of me.

I will have my meat, salad and vegetables tomorrow for dinner.  I will choose healthy options when my daughter and I are out for lunch tomorrow.  I will have fun at church and with the babies and this is just a minor setback.

And, I will stay out of the market because I saw that those chips in the can, the salt and vinegar ones, are on sale and, well, I will just stay out of the market.

GP.  Simple, although I think a few more hearts might be in order.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 34

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  Subway, roast beef and a bowl of soup
Dinner:  Tuna salad sandwich, a cup or so of chips, hardboiled egg, cup or so of pineapple

So, this breakfast, the not having any has to stop.  I feel hunger when I awake, but it is gone by the time I am up and moving around, feeding the cats and going you know where.

It is supposed to be the most important meal of the day, breaking the overnight fast and all that.  I just kind of forget about it.  Not good.  Gotta stop.  Make the effort.  Eat something, dammit.

Slow day at the gallery, which was nice, as I was able to finish my library book and can get a new one when I go in tomorrow for a special session with a client.  She does not want her current employer to know that she is looking for a new job, totally understandable, especially if the new position does not work out.  Normally, even this sort of a kinder-gentler sort of subterfuge would bother me and I would be wishing that she had kept that information to herself, but if she had, I would not have been able to suggest a Saturday appointment.

It means that I will have to give up my afternoon with a friend, but this seems more important, particularly since her current work and future plans are with disadvantaged persons.  That speaks to my heart and the work that I do, making this a noble effort for both of us.  Crafting what she needs will be easy, because she has qualifications upon qualifications and those are stacked atop the energy and knowledge she brings to her work.  It is very satisfying to work with someone like her.  Oh yeah, everyone needs a job and deserves to have one worthy of them, but this kind of expansion into the realms of serious public service, even though it brings a paycheck with it, is worth whatever it takes to help someone.

One of my other clients stopped in to visit.  He is of an entirely different type of person, both in the work he would like to do and how he seems to be doing his best to avoid actually getting an actual job.  He showed up with a haircut, of the stunning and wonderful kind and told me that he is serious about making his life better, so it looks like we will be working together again.  The person who cut his hair, however, did a not so great job and when he shows up next week, we will step outside and I will trim and try to fix the small mess the stylist made in the back of his head.  Yeah, we run an all-inclusive-services kind of operation there.

Those two are one of the reasons that I proposed this service to our library and have kept on doing it for two years.  I hope to do it for as long as it is needed, which, Universe willing, will not be forever.

Dear kind and loving Universe, people need jobs, so if there is anything you can do about it, I would be so appreciative.

I have finished three bath wash cloths for the babies.  Two are the half-sized and ribbed ones, and I started a fish-shaped one at knitting club on Wednesday, finished it today at the gallery and an half-way into the second one.  The babies and I will be making bathtub soap paints next week and then they can take a bath with those and their new wash cloths.  I stopped at a tiny variety kind of store on my way home from the city tonight and bought a couple of crochet hooks so that I can make nice, loopy hangers for them, and was looking around at all the lovely yarns and found some more cotton yarn.  Huge surprise, but I bought some, only two balls, in colors that I think the babies might like.

I also found, on-line, patterns for knitting letter and initials into a cloth, and will go back when I have used up the yarns I have now and am feeling more confident about this whole knitting thing and get some solid colors so that I can make some with their initials.  Might make some for mommy and daddy, too.

I used to knit.  It is sort of like the whole shooting thing, I did it long ago, then more recently and am wanting to do it now.  Again.  It is fun.  It keeps me busy when I am feeling too exhausted to do anything else.  I am making cool and useful stuff.  If I start to feel hungry, I pick up the needles and yarn and keep my hands occupied.  And, it is pretty darn cheap.  But, the best part is staying busy and doing something useful when I am unable to do anything else and can at least manage the needles and yarn.  I know that it is stupid, but it helps me to feel like less of a waste of ectoplasm, you know?

I am feeling like a waste where all my crap is concerned.  I have divested myself of so much stuff and yet I still feel burdened.  I have to keep going and become more ruthless with this.  Someone who is not me continues to take things out of the garbage and charity boxes and squirrel it away somewhere, but I am getting more clever.  I have again begun just keeping an eye on things and then packing them in a box and taking it immediately out of the house and to the charity shops when I have the time and energy to do so.  I still have nearly a couple thousand books to get rid of.  Just shameful.

I was thinking, only thinking, about hiring one of those pack-em-up-and-haul-it-out places to come in when I am away and take everything.  I have even thought it through to the part about how I could take the essentials, like some art stuff, my favorite sewing machine, some clothes, my toiletries, and a few books and stuff like that and putting it all in one room and then just letting those guy have their way with everything else.  I would still want my bed and the computer and some furniture left, and suppose I could label those big things or something.

It would be like having some kind of natural disaster coming along and taking everything away and leaving a clean slate.  That is very appealing, especially since I have so much stuff and have been doing this for a freaking year and a half.  Something has to give and I think that it is going to be me just packing shit and releasing it into the ether or something.  

I wonder if anyone else has done something like that and how it worked for her/him. 

Anyway, it is kind of exhilarating to think about and I just might do it or something similar.

Or not.  Cripes.  I am just so sick and tired of this whole stuff stuff.  I mean, am I serious about being healthier or not?

Someone told me that reading about my efforts towards a healthier life was helpful to her, that it inspired and encouraged her.  Frankly, I think that it is more likely that it makes her feel better because she is not nearly as fucked up as I am.  Yeah, I am pretty positive about that.

GP.  Bluebodies.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 15

Breakfast:  Yogurt, blueberries, 4 or 5 ounces of the roasted duck, 2.5 inch round piece of cake
Lunch: Green peppers, yogurt dip (a little powdered ranch dressing mix)
Dinner: 3 ounces of Snapea Crisps, two beers, conversation with two online friends

That freaking cake.  I managed to not finish the yellow cake from yesterday and I tossed the other sweets, but I missed that muffin-shaped one and I ate the damn thing.  Now, just for dinner, awfully late by the way, I started with a beer whilst on-line chatting with a couple of friends, one just across the little pond and the other in Australia.  I like them both so much and our conversations are always funny, and mostly irreverent.  I especially like the sassy parts.

Looking back on the day, I guess that I did not eat a lot of crap, just that cake piece.  It was so good.  It was so satisfying and if there is cake around her again I will eat it without any real guilty feelings.  It just tastes so good.  All of the homemade yogurt, fresh fruit and whole grains simply cannot hope to compete with a nice piece of cake.  Lordy.  Looking back on the day indicates that the only fiber I got was from the berries and peppers, which is not enough to keep my colon happy.  So, more fiber before bed.

It was a long and lazy day.  No energy for getting anything done.  Even a three-hour nap did not help.  Nor did resting.  I do battle with WW tomorrow and I hope I actually get out and do that.  My lungs are loggy or soggy or something.  Breathing hurts, even with using the inhaler.  More decongestants and more rest.  It has been a month since this last bout began and whilst I am slowly getting better, I still feel like crap.  This week has only the basics and I am hoping to visit my daughter and the babies.  Even to myself, I cannot make any promises.

You know, I look at my calendar now, with all of the past-their-usefulness-commitments gone and it looks so empty.  I am glad to have it so, and will be glad for the summer break, as well.  But, it looks so empty!!!  I guess that I am never satisfied.  I am yearning for travel, but the next time is a single day to an adjoining state and it is not for more than a month.  Maybe I will just take the little pond ferry over and then back on Thursday.  I cannot spend a week or even a few days at the place I could stay in town because, well, I shared that already and I do not want to add any sadness to the end of a respectably decent day.

Too tired today to make a new GP, so here is one that makes me laugh.  It is named, "What's up doc?":

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 9

Breakfast:  2 corn dogs, 2 mugs of instant cocoa/no sugar
Lunch: Nothing
Dinner:  2 cans of chicken soup, 2 slices of whole wheat toast, buttered, 2 mugs of decaf green tea, 3 RS sugar-free chocolates

It was a slow day, although it began at 2:00 a.m., when I woke gagging on mucus and then kept up by hunger.  I finally gave in and had the corn dogs and cocoa because they were the most quiet and least scent-creating things to make at that hour.

Went back to bed and slept until eight, back to rest, read and mostly doze at eleven.  Finally got up at 3:00 p.m.  Ate dinner at, around 7:00 and am ready for bed again.  I was not hungry, even after not eating, but made myself heat up the soup.  Then, heat up another one and have toast with it.  On a roll for twos, I guess.  The Russel Stover chocolates were for medicinal purposes only.  Honest.  The sugar alcohols are slightly, ummm, well, they help you, well, I just have to say it, poop, and with so little fiber in my body today, my colon will thank me tomorrow, fersure.

It was nice to sleep so much today.  You just cannot discount the benefits of naps.

I am taking all of my meds.  I have stopped with the antihistamines because I think they are blocking the fluids in my middle ears from draining.  Just popped a couple of generic decongestants, and hope that works.  I really am not fond of waking up with the whole mucus gagging thing.  Enough fun already.

Off to bed.

Oh, og, oog, I called yesterday's friend.  As assertive as I was with her at lunch about making a big freaking deal about who pays, she is just the same old person today again.  We have an agreement that we each pay our own whatever, lunch, snacks, beverages, stuff.  And still she creates a little scene each time, dragging in whatever poor, hapless clerk, waiter, salesperson is stuck taking care of us.

So, yesterday I took a stand, one that I have taken twice before, but she is such a backslider about this stuff.  The stand is that if she fusses about paying for my meal, that the meal (or snack or whatever) about which she is fussing and making a scene will be the last one that we have together.  Today I had to make the same standard for telephone conversations.  Lordy.  It is too much.  My guess is that, from her relating familial things, this is the way they all do business.  Everyone having a long, torturous scene over who pays for whatever.  Same thing for where to go or what to do together.

It is too much.  I cannot have this keep happening.  I just cannot.  And, it is not because I am feeling so crappy.  Hell, even when I am well, this just wears me down all the time, all the long days that she needs for all her stuff.  I am certain that this makes me a selfish, opinionated freaked-out brat.  So be it.  Fuck.

Today's GP (You know, I think that making one of these is the highpoint of each day.  How sad is that.):

100 Days Redux

The 100 days idea worked really well for getting me started in divesting all of my crap and actually doing a significant amount of said divesting.  So, I thought, just this minute when beginning this little posting, hell, why not try that again, babycakes!

Today is Day 3, mostly since I had two great days previous to now.

I am hungry all the time.  I know that this damned appetite of mine will settle down eventually, but if today had not been so busy that I could not fit in everything I wanted to do, well, I would have eaten stuff.

The day began with having an obligation to someone else, so no breakfast.  There was a tiny break in between that and the next thing, so I did what I had to do and used the drive-through at the only restaurant available.  There was a diner or coffee house or something right there, as well, but I did not have enough time to use either of them.  A quarter pound hamburger and a huge diet cola, which I needed as much...if not more...than the sandwich. 

I then did the second thing and moved on to buy the keyboard I need for one of the computers I use at the library, get new socks and, since I needed a flash drive I bought a Hello Kitty one.  I have to say that between socks without holes and that cute, little Kitty and her matching ear buds, I was having a very nice time.  Yes.  I was.

On to the grocery store for cash for WW and as long as I was there, I decided to shop for groceries.  Man, what a concept.  Anyway, fruit was not on the shopping list, vegetables were, but the sales were too good to pass up.  Strawberries, blackberries, avocado and tomatoes.  A huge box of spring greens and a small container of crumbled bleu cheese.  Salad dressing.  Chicken thighs, artichokes and asparagus.  Oh, dear, how did vegetables sneak in there?  More plain yogurt to have with the fruit, some eggs for hard cooking, and a package of those frozen hamburger patties.  I see people buying them all the time, so they must be good, plus they are easy to cook and because they are frozen patties to begin with, they will not rot in the refrigerator before I get around to cooking and eating them.  I threw out a stunning and shameful amount of food-gone-bad today.  Meat, cauliflower, eggs, cheese, salad greens.  Just fucking shameful.  I may not have bought the optimally healthy kinds of foods today, but I think that I did well enough to get by and it is my hope that none of it gets tossed because it is to smelly or oozy to eat.

The best part of shopping was that the drive-through burger gave me a little gastric upset and I had to spend more time in the grocery store restroom that anyone should have to spend.  I am kind of glad that it happened.  It is a nice reminder that that kind of food does not agree with my tummy.  I think that I will keep almonds and walnuts in the car just in case that fierce kind of hunger strikes again and I am not at home to take proper care of it.

Then, my energy broke and I went straight home, skipping the pharmacy and the WW meeting.  Fine.  That sort of thing is going to keep happening, although I am hoping to not dump the meetings any more than necessary.  If their process is going to work for me I have to go to the meetings. 

As I was sitting in the car, waiting to feel well enough to drive home, the radio was on and there was a news item about weight loss programs.  Jenny Craig was on the top of the good results of the study, and Weight Watchers was not.  WW got points for their new plus-something-something, but low marks for the lack of supporting research or something like that.  Whatever.  JC requires that you buy their food, and their membership fee is a whopping $400.00 per year.  Maybe that is why it works, it limits your choices and your ability to do other stuff.  Exactly how does that help me learn to eat in what passes for my real world?

As a bonus for not making everything happen today, when I was off to do the first thing for someone, I had my arms full of stuff for the second obligation.  In the process, I put a huge compartment box of beads on the roof of the car, along with a brand-new tube of jewelry adhesive.  They were the project for the second thing.  It was going to be cool.  Making as many bracelets and/or necklaces as the students could make in the time we have together. 

So, anyway, you have to know where this is going, I get to the school and, wonder of wonders, the huge box of beads is nowhere to be found.  I look everywhere, in every bag.  No beads.  Then, I stand back and stare at the car, like it is going to start talking to me.  And, then I see the space on the roof where the beads no longer reside because they fell off sometime during the early part of driving away from home this morning. 

Wherever they are, they are not going to be part of anything I do.  They were, still are, nice beads, really nice beads and whomever found the box is going to have big fun with them.  Taking them to the school was part of divesting them.  With any luck, most of them would have been gobbled up during the project.  They are still gone, just by a different route.

We were still able to do something, because I had a small ton of ribbons in the car, leftovers from another project.  We made braided key chains and bracelets.  I made a thing to attach my purse/bag to the chair when I go to restaurants.  Will not need it for the drive-through, but nice to have anyway.

I did not get what I needed from the pharmacy, nor was I able to go to a meeting or look for shoes in which I can walk with relative comfort.  I did, however, eat fairly well.

Very late breakfast:  drive-through burger and a large diet cola.
Late lunch a chicken thigh, two ears of corn, a cup of blackberries.
Late dinner was a huge salad, four cups of loosely shaken into the bowl greens, a medium tomato (which tasted divine), half a small avocado, two or three tablespoons crumbled bleu cheese, splash of oil dressing.
Lots of water all day.

Tomorrow is going to be more difficult.  I usually reward myself with dinner out, Asian, for a very busy and stressful workday.  I order mostly vegetables, a little shrimp and a bunch of sushi.  No sauces.  Maybe a soft roll and some rice, but not always.  Almost always fresh fruit for dessert when I actually order dessert.  Lots of lovely tea. 

Man, that choice, whether to go home for a late dinner or go out for a late dinner is slightly less than 24 hours in the future and I am already conflicted about what I am going to do.  I suck.  In my defense, my day is from shortly after 8 a.m. until after 7 p.m., a long, long day, with only a lunch break.  By the time I leave there, the prospect of a nice, mostly healthy dinner is one that is not easy to entertain.

I give up.  Going to bed, to try to find that darn library book that I have to keep renewing because I cannot find the darn thing, take a quick shower, read a bit and hope that I make the right dinner choice tomorrow.

Gosh, only 97 more days of this.  Thud.