100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 57

Breakfast:   Oh, why bother!

Today was, still is a little bit, one of my stomach anxiety days...SAD, fer short.  I just made that up.  Lordy.  They do not happen often, but they are a source of uncertainty for me.  It begins with strong dream images that carry over into the morning.

No breakfast, but not because I am not hungry.  I feel hunger, but I am afraid to eat because it will begin an avalanche of eating.

There will not be any food choices that will sate my hunger.  No matter what I eat, healthy or crappy, substantial or light, there will be no lessening of feeling hungry.

When this happens, I try to eat very little and spread out what I am eating over a long period of time.  I am never successful at appeasing my need for food and the gnawing in my stomach, the growling and all that, but I always hold the hope that if I keep at it, that it will work on one of the SADs.  There is often a significant amount of swearing on SADs.  I make no apologies.

So, Diary, this is what happened and what I ate today.

I awoke and did my best to divest myself of the dream images.  I waited a couple of hours before eating and then I ate.  And ate.  It seemed like I was hungry beyond comfort every hour or so.  And, so I ate something every hour or so.  I managed a couple of two-hour gaps, but it was a struggle.

2 ears of corn, with a little butter and even less salt
3-inch thick slice of a small, seedless watermelon, with a little salt
Some crackers, really nice whole grain ones that are very, very satisfying, well, at least on a normal day
About a dozen cherries  I would have eaten more, but that is all that was left from yesterday.
8 ounce lobster tail, with butter
Sugar-free ice cream bar
Sugar-free ice cream bar
6 ounce steak, rare
More of the Kruncher chips, which really bothered me, so I smashed them up and put them out at the feeding stations for the raccoons and the crows.
In addition, I have been drinking even more water than I usually do, in the vain hope that it would keep me topped off and unable to feel hunger.

At the steak, I was up to 6:00 p.m., and I have managed to not eat anything else, but it has not been easy.  I am looking at that list and I am thinking holy crap.  Even worst is that, here I am at 8:30 and I could easily eat something.  I know that I will want to eat again before I go to bed, and that is just insane, and that I will cave and have something.

And, I have messed-up my meal plans, well, not as though I do any actual meal planning, but I had a generalized plan for the groceries I bought when I was out taking care of a friend yesterday.  The lobster was to be tonight's dinner and the steak was for tomorrow.  I also bought plenty of greens for salads, but none of that would do to satisfy me today, so I left them alone, knowing that I would still eat other stuff.

This has been happening for the past year or so (maybe longer, I really cannot remember), every few months and it is driving me crazy.  It is not so horrible when I am at home, but it has happened twice when I was at work.  The first time I had to go downstairs to the employee lounge and buy a couple of packets of crap from the vending machine.  The second time I was prepared, because I kept a bag of raw almonds in my office stuff just in case it happened again.  A much healthier choice, but just as upsetting.

This is nuts.  I suspect that it might be hormonal, if only because I cannot think of anything else.  How dumb.  For a while I thought that it had something to do with particularly vivid dreams, but I remember many of my dreams, sometimes several each night, and there are plenty of times when disturbing dream images follow me through my day, but there is not the insane hunger problem on those days.  Maybe I have some kind of imbalance or some dumb thing.  I bought some probiotics, bilberry, turmeric and some mixed vitamins for diabetics yesterday and will start with those tomorrow.

It only happens occasionally, and without any warning.  And, I am spending too much time thinking and writing about this.  But, it bugs me because it is such an out of control feeling, desperate and some other stuff that I am unable to define.  Just plain nuts.  As soon as I finished the meat, I felt better, as in much better.  Now I am wondering if I finally ran out of room in my stomach or if it had something to do with the protein.  Nah, if that were so, it would have been like that with the seafood earlier.  Even so, I might try meat or eggs the next time this strikes.  I just wrote a note in my planner.  It might be time to accept that this might happen again and to track it more carefully.

Aside from manifesting my inner Cookie Monster, without the cookies, I fell sort of all right.  I still have this hope thing going and since no one bothered me today, well, it is all good, you know?  I have an inner smile to keep CM company, and here it is:

100 Days toward a healthier life - Days 52 - 53 - 54

I cannot remember what I have been eating for the past three days.

I know that there were, for breakfasts:
some hard-boiled eggs
some instant oatmeal
a tiny poppy seed muffin
lots of coffee
2 bananas
orange juice
more boiled eggs

What the heck did I have for lunches?

Oh:
a six-inch roast beef flatbread thing from Subway at a tollway rest stop, and a couple of apples and another hard-boiled egg for lunch yesterday.

Then, today, it was Perkins, the senior turkey dinner, with fresh broccoli, mashed potatoes and a roll, but the food was cold and I did not eat the dressing or the roll, but did manage to choke down most of the rest.

Dinners were better.  Two fabulous Amish meals, one hosted at a working farm and the other at a nice, family style restaurant last night.

There were plenty of temptations along the way, but I totally resisted most of them, and only partially caved on two others.  One was an amazing donut with the best pastry cream ever, and a piece of pie last night, from which I took two nice bites and a third of just the whipped topping.  It was a thin layer of the best cheesecake I have ever tasted, a layer of freshly made raspberry jam, pastry cream, the whipped topping and a drizzle of more jam.  It was delicious and the pride of eating just a couple of tastes was the most delicious part.  As we were leaving, they gave each of us a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie that was more shortbread than cookie and I left that behind.

Still, even with all of the will power, I know that my calorie intake (even though I am not counting them) must have been in the stratosphere.  Oh, well.

So, anyway, I was in Amish country for the better part of the past three days.  It was nice to be away, but I worried the entire time about the consequences...here...of actually daring to go on this little trip.  And, I am going to share, Dear Diary, that that particular problem resolved itself.  I am not saying that it will not rear it's huge head again at some future time, but, for now, it is a sleeping monster.  And, all I have to say about any of it is that sometimes, doing the right things for the right reasons and being assured that you will still have to pay some insane and unnamed price for some equally insane and unnamed violation will come to naught.  That means that nothing horrible happened when I returned home late this afternoon.  Nothing.

Unfortunately, it is not because I am a decent person, you know, that right-thing/right-reason person.  Nope, it is because someone who is not me tried to betray me and in the process totally and completely messed up on the betrayal thing and ended up messing up his own plans.  Unfortunately, that still turned out to be my fault, and whilst I am not certain exactly how that is supposed to have happened, I am fine with it.

Besides, when I found out about how messed up the other stuff got, like really and truly messed up, like huge issue messed up and financially seriously messed up, it was impossible to take any relief, much less any pleasure in what happened whist I was away.  And, even though I am very relieved about much of it, I have already tried to help remedy it.  There is no doubt in my mind that being supportive and helpful will still come back to bite me, it is what I am going to do.

And, I am going to schedule and pay for more of these little trips.  It was fun going someplace very different and meeting lots of cool people, well, except for the woman who kept trying to push me out of the way all the time.  I had such a wonderful time, that when everyone else went on a whole bunch of shuttle trips and did all kinds of fun shopping and stuff, I stayed at the hotel, had a couple of apples for lunch, read a huge portion of one of the books I took along and fell asleep whilst reading.  Right there on my bed.  Freaking glorious.

When the tour director person (or whatever her job title is) walked around on the coach asking each person what their favorite part of the trip was, my answer was the nap.  No one to bother me, interrupt me or do anything to me.  It was an absolutely heavenly experience and I hope to have at least two more this year...trips and naps!

It will be interesting to see what happens around here over the next few days.  Tomorrow will find me booking two more trips, both longer than this one (3 days), and the consequence chips may fall where they like.  Not worrying my pretty, little head about any of it.

Now I just have to figure out what there is around here for dinner tonight.  Maybe some soup or something.

GP?  Neigh...errrr...yep!

A couple of final thoughts.  One is that, in the interest and service of honestly, I have to admit that I have caught myself smiling a couple of times whilst typing this.  Yeah, I am glad to have avoided the whole promised/threatened consequence thing, but I am a little amused that things turned out the way they have.  I sincerely do not wish anything bad on anyone, not even someone who is not me (SWINM). Really.  That said, I am smiling about some aspects of the stuff that got messed up.  

I know that makes me a bad person, but I seem unable to stop those muscles from making that face, the smiling one.

The other thought is that maybe something changed.  Maybe it is me.  Maybe not, but something did.  It will be interesting to see how this manifests, and if it will help me stay on course here and actually be healthier at the end of this project.  

I feel hopeful. 

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 45

Breakfast:  Eggs
Breakfast:  Bagel, cream cheese, 1 bite of a chocolate donut hole, which I immediately spit out, too icky for even me
Lunch:  Small turkey sub sandwich, chocolate chip cookie
Dinner: Japanese place

I fell and failed at the volunteer thing when I saw that they had bagels and cream cheese from Panera.  That the donut hole was fairly heinous is of small consolation.

I flew home afterwards to do more laundry and then took my friend to her doctor appointment.  She had plans, unshared by the way, of a big, long, late lunch and then shopping.  My compromise (another way of saying that I kind of refused to do the other stuff, but in a nice way) was to drop off her new eyeglass prescription and pick up some fast food for her to take home.  She was hugely disappointed and, I think, a little angry with me.  I felt badly about that, the whole disappointing her part, still do feel some guilt in not just going along with what she wanted, but I have to do this tough love stuff with her.  As it was, just the appointment, dropping the prescription and doing the drive-through at Culvers took more than three hours, mostly because she dawdled and had to talk to every stranger we encountered.  I promised to take her to lunch when we pick up her eyeglasses next week, but did not mention shopping and am hoping to avoid any more of those 8 to 12 hour days.  I simply cannot do those long days anymore, and if that makes me a shitty friend, then, so be it.

I really did not have much time, but it was going to take less time to eat out than to shop and cook something, so I took the easy way and went to the Japanese place.  A quick in, order, eat and I was on my way in barely more than a half hour.  Nice.

I managed to finish the laundry only 25 minutes past deadline and shower and all the rest before anyone else went to bed, but I was unable to find my lost library book.  It is backstock, so I was able to renew it five times before someone else wanted to borrow it, as I kept hoping that I would stumble across it and not have to pay for the darn thing.  I have never lost a library book before, so I guess it was time to add that to my life experiences.  Having to pay the replacement and processing costs is a good lesson in responsibility, but one that I would have preferred not to need.  If I ever find the darn thing, I will donate it back to the library.

So, I ate too much today...huge, freaking surprise...and was not a good friend and did not finish the laundry on time.  Triple fail.  However, the morning's volunteer thing was amazing and one of the organizers told me that since I seem to be doing so much for them, they might as well hire me.  I laughed, but I think that he might have been just a little serious about it.  I am not sure that I am interested in working for the government, but it might be worth considering, especially since I would like to move, sometime before I die.

Gosh, it is late and I have an early and long day tomorrow.  One of my favorite clients has an appointment tomorrow, and whilst she might be trying to scam me, she is so charming that I do not mind. 

'nother heart.  It is broken because I am saying more goodbyes.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 44

Breakfast:  Lean Cuisine dinner, pecan chicken something, I think
Lunch:  3 natural hot dogs, mustard, canned beets
Dinner:  Cashews, 2 crackers with peanut butter on them

I spent today using as few calories as possible.  Both of my legs hurt from all of the walking this weekend.  Swollen and sore, joints and muscles.  So, it seemed to be a good idea to not eat very much.  I am not counting calories, but I have done so for most of my adult life, and I estimate that there were somewhere around 900 of them in today's foods.  That seems close enough.  I could check, but then I would have to use some of those calories to haul myself out of this chair and go look.  Rats.  I just checked and it was 1150 calories.  Too many to even think about having lost any tonnage.  Even though that, the weight, is not supposed to be my focus, it is disheartening to find that today was most likely, at best (a hopeful best), a draw in the in and out department.  F.  (I am trying to not curse.)

Tomorrow is not going to help any.  It is a day of volunteering for the big city near me.  It is part of their summer employment training program for young people.  We did all of the interviewing weeks ago and their training began today with a week's worth of orientation.  I have not any idea what they did today, but tomorrow is like a job fair, if you know what is.  Each of the tables/stations will not be hosted by potential employers, but with information and help related to finances, how to choose a job category (like that is even possible these days, but bless their hearts for building the concept into the program), and all of the expenses that are part of living.  Housing, health care/insurance, vehicles, clothing, household expenses, families, pets, the whole works.  They will have to set up an actual savings and checking accounts with representatives of a local credit union (like a bank), do the paperwork for a 401k account and a lot more.  It should be interesting, especially since they did not notify the volunteers that they were chosen to participate (that would be me and other hapless souls), and aside from arriving a half hour before the participants, there does not seem to be any training that I can tell. 

They are going to give us a light breakfast, whatever the hell that means.  My guess is that it will be coffee and donuts.  My guess is that I will try to get up extra early and make some eggs, or that I will dilly-dally and have to drive-through for some more of those yummy breakfast sandwiches and a big, steaming cup of fairly decent coffee.  Honestly, tomorrow is laundry day, so it is more important to get a load running before I leave home.  There is a lunch offering, but I am guessing that it is more of the same sub sandwiches, chips, cookies, canned soft drinks and other snack things.  So, I will probably be skipping that as well and getting one of those great salads from Wendy's.  I hate to miss that part, though, because sitting around with the other volunteers is a great resource opportunity for me.  Those people are all professionals and I have much to learn from them that could help me with my clients. 

It really is a surreal experience.  There they all are, HR people, executives, radio personalities, and then there is me.  The same thing used to happen to me when I was part of the RIF (Reading is Fundamental) program in the elementary schools in another big city near me.  Doctors, lawyers, police officers, bank officials, veterinarians, businessmen of all kinds.  Then, me.  I am hoping it means that they keep asking me to do these things because they believe that I have something to offer, but it is very humbling to be in the company of such important people.

I should have enough time to come home, toss in more laundry, maybe heat up another of those frozen diet meals and get going to pick up one of my women, who has a doctor's appointment in the afternoon.  Then home again, to shower, wash hair and do one last load of linens, since I am nearly out of clean towels.

On a more personal note, something sad happened today.  The woman who owns the gallery has been expecting some important mail and was not certain if it would come to her place here or the one in another state, which is where she is now.  Something did come last week, and I called her to let her know that it was there and had to leave a message on her voice mail. 

I hate voice mail.  You never know if someone is going to check or if it actually will be there when they do check or some damn thing.  I do not have it, so I always figure that no news is good news, which in my life is pretty much the case.  But, she does have it and she was concerned and I called and left a message.  She did not call back, even though I left my phone on until after midnight.  She knew that I was out of town, but did not call in to ask for more information, which, frankly, I would not have had because I did not open the mail.

This afternoon I heard my phone beeping and when I checked, there were two messages.  Apparently, my friend was not able to reach anyone who could check on the darn mail (there are four of us) and was frantic worrying about what it was.  So, being the good boyfriend that he is, her boyfriend (I digress, but I love that us older babes can still have boyfriends and actually call them that.) called my cell phone and left a stunning message about how upset she was and then made a couple of mild threats.  Yeah, stunning.  I was guessing that the second message was also from him, adding the few things he might have missed saying in the first message, but it was from my friend, who assured me that I had done the right thing and not to worry.  This was later followed by another call from her, where she raged about all kinds of things and the bottom line is that I was the recipient of a whole bunch of frustration about a whole bunch of things. 

I think I have to be finished there, at the gallery.  I am not looking forward to seeing her boyfriend again, although I will miss seeing her.  I have Thursday off and think that I might take the morning to gather my work and leave my keys there.  She is in another state and I am the only person who keeps the gallery open during the week, so I will not risk running into anyone.  This is all too complicated and today was kind of scary.  No, it was a lot scary and I have enough to deal with in my own life, without taking on the pathology of another relationship. 

I am really going to miss going there.  I like welcoming people and talking about the art there and just art in general.  I like having my stuff there and having people like it and sometimes buy some of it.  Yeah, that extra money is nice.  It paid for most of my traveling.  I will miss the other artists and the, gosh, so wonderful discussions we have, and the musicians that drop by to play and I will even miss the street people who stop in to chat a while.  I am going to miss all of it so much.  Even on slow days, there is hardly a more lovely place to sit and knit or read or just sit.  I can still do art stuff, and I still exhibit other places, but this place, this gallery, was special.  It still is special, it is just that I will no longer be a part of it.

Well, you cannot have everything, but it was a little piece of heaven in contrast to much of the rest of my life.  Everything comes to an end of some sort and I have to allow myself to experience this break and be patient for the next thing that might come along.  You know, if I were still busy with the gallery, I might miss that next thing or things.  So, in the end, big picture and all, it is a good thing.  Sad, but ultimately good.  I hope.

So, aside from the food issue, not a bad day.  Well, I guess it sort of was, but I am not going to dwell on it.

What's left?  Ah, GP.  I have a bunch of hearts in the guilty pleasure realm and after the happenings of the past couple of weeks, I need all the hearts I can get, so that is what it will be for the next week or so.  Hearts.  Some of them are on the dark side, but I guess that is appropriate, as well.

What the hell happened to being all light and happy about this?  You know, my intent was to stop complaining all the damn time, but I seem to be stuck on the pain and not able to concentrate on the gain, gaining of better health and a more healthy attitude and outlook.  That is/was my goal, if I actually had goals, I mean.  I kind of suck, yes?  Yes, I do.  I am sorry, I do not mean to be so sucky.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 41

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch: Sushi and a salad
Dinner:  Japanese, what can I say, I am weak

Lunch was actually just the sushi, as the salad had been prepared by an idiot, or a really frugal person, of the jerk variety.  Oh, gods, name calling, but you would too, if you opened your salad, jammed your fork into the container and came up with wilted, oozy, slimy, seriously discolored something that used to be lettuces.  At least I think they used to be lettuces, it was hard to tell, that is how foul that container of muck was.

I cannot say how that happened to be mine, but it sickened my lunch companion at the gallery and did the same to the poor market clerk who had to give me my money back when I returned it on my way home tonight.  I exchanged it for chocolate to enjoy on my weekend away, and the guy behind me said that anyone who had to experience that salad deserved chocolate.  He was right.

Dinner was nice and I am glad that I went, but I have to cut back on going there.  This last time, tonight, I overate and the worst part is that I did not feel the teeniest bit guilty.  It was still healthy, but I ordered too much, intending to take some home, but then sat there and finished when I realized that I would be out of town for the next two days.  Yeah, I know, that is a crappy excuse.  So, sue me for still being a slab and a slob.

Healthy-feeling-wise, I am doing well.  The day was nice and easy and I did not need any extra meds and felt comfortable until I came back home here to the sauna.  I think that viewing this place as a sauna is another healthy step in the right direction.  I get the benefits of sweating toxins out of my body every single day and never have to pay club dues.  It is like a health club membership for free, but without the weight room, pool, smoothie/juice bar, massage therapists or personal trainer.  Other than that, it is the same thing.

So, GP, named, I used to be stars:

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 12

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch: Toast, butter, turkey necks
Dinner: Small thing of yogurt

I sort of crashed today.  Too much stuff on two busy days.  Man, this should not knock the beans out of me like this.  I coughed, gagged and hacked all night.  How anyone got any rest here is a mystery.  My guess is that I got the most, but I am not asking because I do not want to be chided for disturbing everyone.  The cats do not care because it got me up early and they had their breakfast early.

I had just the eggs this morning because I figured that the protein would have more staying power whilst it decayed  digested in my gut.  Lunch rolled around, despite my dozing and resting, and by the time I was hungry enough to get up, I discovered that I had never put the turkey necks on to roast.

Now.  Turkey necks.  One of my all-time comfort foods.  The market chops them into 3-inch lengths, and put in a pan, sprinkled with a little salt, and roasted at 425 degrees for about an hour, they are little hunks of chewy delight.  They are so good.  They are also the kind of food that you never, ever can eat in front of anyone else.  Well, the cats do not mind because they get their own share, but other humans simply do not want to watch another human bite, tear, chew, suck and gnaw on those bony bits of heaven.

Anyway, they did not get bitten, torn, chewed, sucked or any of the rest until 2:30.  I kept my tummy satisfied with a piece of toast, then another piece of toast.  Later, there was one more piece of toast, and then I ate six pieces of neck, with three times that many now in the fridge.  I had the yogurt for dinner and am not hungry.  Mostly.  Either I am actually reducing my appetite with these smaller meals and no snacking, or I am still too sick to care about eating.  I am kind of concerned that this eating less food is so easy because I am so ill and that when (or if) I ever feel better that my old appetites will return.  Man, I hope not; I really, really hope that does not happen.  Would that not be, oh gosh, one of the most wonderful things ever?  That I could be satisfied with something approaching, approximating normal portion sizes?  It could happen.  It could.

Speaking of appetites, I have been thinking of another human one that is not so easily satisfied.  I have been without the benefits of a partner for a very long time.  Like really long.  Like bats in the belfry, cobwebs where there should not be cobwebs long.  Honestly, that long.  Most of the time I never give it a thought.  Sometimes, when my friend, D, the ancient horndog is lusting over some young woman (one whom, by the way, he has not a chance of getting even a tiny taste, although that does absolutely nothing to deter him), I do think about it and have had the occasional yearning for someone nice in my life.  However, I am a realist of the highest order and know that there is not a rat's ass chance of that ever happening.  It makes me sad, right this minute, just to think of how that is never going to happen for me.

Anyway, I am hoping that I can continue to eat less and get healthier when I finally return to more immediate health.  My dentist called to remind me of my appointment on Monday morning and it is a good thing, as I could cancel and not create an empty space that some other patient could use.  And, by the way, she called not because I forget, but to remind me that I was to hang around because we had plans for lunch.  She is an amazing dentist and an even better friend.  She is great.  Me, not so much, because I had completely forgotten. 

Staying home today meant that I did no errands.  I still have not had time to get the things I need from the pharmacy (including some fibery stuff,, which in another day I am going to need more than oxygen), find and buy a window-sized air conditioner, get any fresh vegetables or open that freaking checking account, get a debit card and finally be able to join WW.  This is insane.  You cannot hear this, but I am screaming in my head because this is so much more difficult that anything of this sort should be.  I have thought this before, but I am a bit O.K. with myself at how determined I am to do this.  So, I will get going early tomorrow, do all that and get to the gallery on time, where the ancient mariner horndog will likely show up and tell some damn story that will make my own longings manifest one more, damn time. 

I really suck and have a relatively suckly life right now.  Oh, the work and family and friends aspects are fine, but I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I cannot even add today as one without using my cane because I did not go anywhere, but I can count tomorrow, and I think, in celebration of not using my cane, actually getting dressed and leaving the house, and not being able to take my leftover turkey necks to have for lunch, that I will get a sandwich from Subway.  Hell, if that TV commercial guy can lose weight and get healthier eating those veggie subs, they certainly cannot hurt me.  That will be fun.

Since I did nothing useful, except for roasting the turkey necks, I had plenty of time to play mahjong, take a rest here and there and make some more of my current guilty pleasure/GP.

I made six, I think, with several of them primitive and silly, which is fine because I am primitive and more than a little silly.  I like this one.  A lot.  It is not silly.  It is named Mermother:

Seconds on that responsibility, please

Day two of accountability.

Needed a nap again today.  Just a short one, but, gosh, this tired babe needs to be less tired.  It might be time for another sleep study or some damn thing.  Whatever it needs to be, it is certain to need a chunk of money.  At this rate, the only travel I will be able to afford is back and forth to the medics.

Two corn dogs (the frozen kind) for breakfast.
Microwave popcorn for lunch. 
Three half-strength mugs of instant, sugar-free hot cocoa throughout the afternoon.
A WW frozen meal for dinner.  Followed by a cup of plain yogurt with a cup of frozen raspberries (no sugar), and another mug of the aforementioned hot cocoa.  The yogurt/fruit mix was surprisingly satisfying.  I might consider that as an entire dinner, along with some soothing tea.
Lots of water during the day.  Sure am missing soft drinks, though.

I think that I need to transition to hot, decaffeinated tea, instead of the cocoa mix.  I also need to get some fresh vegetables and more whole grains into the mix.  However, I am trying to use up the food that is already here before buying more.  I have whole wheat pasta, canned beans and tomatoes, canned pumpkin and boxes of stock.  More microwave popcorn.  More hot cocoa mix.  Plenty of tea.  Three apples, mostly because I did not eat an apple on Sunday.

I think that those corn dogs are going to tempt me more than I want.  Why did I buy them and the other frozen meals?  Yeah, I remember.  It is because I am often too tired and in pain from all my body problems, which are not weight related, to actually cook fresh food and it, the fresh foods, eventually get tossed in the compost or trash. What a shameful waste.

There must be an easier way to do this.  I was in enough pain today to keep me from going anywhere, much less the WW meeting.  I have to go out to mentor tomorrow and will try to stop in afterward. 

And, this pain stuff.  I can no longer take some of the over-the-counter analgesics.  That leaves the prescription meds.  I cannot even begin to consider all of that right now.

I know that thing about how we either try or we just do.  Well, just doing does not always work when you cannot walk long or far enough to actually do something.  Some days the best I can do is to try.  Is there not a way to make that work?

So, tomorrow:
Buy some damn vegetables.  Then, eat them.
Find a meeting time and actually go.
First go to the bank and get some damn cash or open a damn checking account to keep the meeting people happy.  When they are happy, all of us are happy.
As long as I am out, I should stop at the mall and try to find some walking shoes to help minimize the foot pain.

I will be less cranky and more everything that I want to be when I am healthier.  I can do this. 

Oh, and I took a single Benadryl tablet before bed last night and did not wake up choking on mucus. 

Not...one...single...time!!!  Wow, a plan, albeit short-term, to make one thing better.