Today was too busy and too full of complicated issues for a simpleton like me.
I had a despair hangover from last evening at the gallery. Just because you are creative, and we invite you to exhibit with us, well, that does not give you free rein to be a cranky bitch. But, you cannot tell someone where they can put their artistic temperament and still run a business that deals exclusively with artsy fartsy types.
I went to a craft fair after this morning's coffee get-together. It is probably the last nice one before the holidays and whilst I rarely buy anything, preferring to make my own crap, they are great fun. Seeing how other people, especially old babes like me, manifest their creativity is a glorious and wondrous experience. I simply cannot get enough of it. One of my never-to-be-manifested-dreams is to provide a safe and supportive place for all of these women to sell their stuff all year round. The talent out there is stunning, and they are some of the nicest people on the whole damn planet. Blessings to them all.
Because my sweet and wonderful daughter and her equally adorable husband left within ten minutes of my arrival at her house today, and then I left a mere five minutes after they arrived back home, there were no adults there to witness and then complain because I do not do everything exactly like the resident adults do things. It is the first visit in a long time where I did not get in trouble for not being a clone, which probably would not have the capability of doing everything exactly like, well...oh, never mind.
The day ended with a small dinner of four of us coffee chickies and two husbands. One of us is fully into her third year of treatment for cancer. She is receiving some kind of hospice care and doing quite well. Tonight she did exceptionally well because she had a big blood transfusion this afternoon. Even so, she pooped out shortly after dinner and had to go home.
But, it was so wonderful seeing her out and about and eating well and having a good time. She even had a nice bowl of ice cream for dessert. It is all so bittersweet. I love seeing her, but it is such a struggle to avoid talking about her health, as she chooses to not have it be a part of our conversations or time together. Her journey, her choices, her rules. It is enough.
No one believes that I am really taking a break from life for a while. You know, I am sorry that this retirement from just about everything is taking place during these fall and winter holidays, but this is the appropriate time to do this. It feels very surreal. Everyone thinks that I will be attending all of the parties, open-houses and actual holidays. Even my lovely daughter's lovely husband asked me this afternoon when we would be getting together for Yule. My simple reply was that I am taking a break from holidays for a while. Whilst no one wants to actually discuss this with me, they keep believing that I am kidding or something.
This is not an avoidance or some kind of rebellion or taking a stand or anything like that. It is simply me taking a break in order to avoid completely breaking.
Nothing is simple. What a shame.
Just a passing hug. "holidays/holy days" at this time of year were, to my mind, a way of providing reassurance that change would happen, the earth would turn and we would get the opportunity to live a little longer. I suspect most people do not consider this aspect in all the family commitments and orgy of present giving. I wish your situation were different and people did not expect you to do the joining but came to you and did everything for you as I am attempting to do for my parents, so you could just sit and smile and hold court as the wise and venerable crone you are. I wish you a successful hibernation and everything which gives you sufficient energy to continue as you wish to continue.
ReplyDeleteYour reminder that the new year began at the end of October, and that we entered this time of introspection and preparation for the return of the sun/son/lord from the Underworld with the knowledge that we need for the coming year is exactly what I need to put all of this back into the proper balance for me.
ReplyDeleteMy guess is that I have been so caught in the sadness of what is happening here that I forgot all of that.
Sarah, is all of what I am feeling, well, is it me saying that I want people to come to me and do for me? I hope not, because I truly do not want to be the center of anything. I certain that I do not want to hold court, just to be left alone, without everyone wanting something from me. All I want is a little peace.
I am also guessing that it is selfish to want that and unlikely to happen. I so need this fallow time, and I need it to be long.
However, I really do appreciate the wise and venerable crone part. Thanks so much for knowing so much and being so willing to share all of it.