Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Mood altering

These are supposed to be jokes, so please do not freak, Diary.

Cross a:

Newfoundland with a Basset Hound
Get a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.

Malamute with a Pointer
Get a Moot Point...oh well, it does not really matter...

Collie with a Malamute
Get a Comute, a dog that travels to work with you.

Deerhound with a Terrier
Get a Derriere, a dog that is true to the end.

Bloodhound with a Labrador
Get a Blabador, a dog that incessantly barks.

So, anyway, picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal stream.

Now, picture yourself with both of your hands dangling in the cool, running water.

Birds are sweetly singing in the lovely mountain air.

No one knows your secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the World.

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is so crystal clear that you can look down and easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

Yeah, a joke, lighten up. :)

QUIETNESS
Rumi
Translated by Coleman Barks

Inside this new love, die.
Your way begins on the other side.
Become the sky.
Take an axe to the prison wall.
Escape.
Walk out like someone suddenly born into color.
Do it now.
You're covered with thick clouds.
Slide out the side. Die,
and be quiet. Quietness is the surest sign
that you've died.
Your old life was a frantic running
from silence.
The speechless full moon
comes out now.
  Yeah.  Blessed are those who are able and willing to love you for what you are instead of despising you for what you are not.  That is from me.

Well, I seem to have the dying part under control and am hoping that I can figure out the rebirth part before it is too late.

All I wanted was to live a decent life, be a good, honest and loving person and to be of service in the world, especially my little part of it.

And, it is not as though I was unaware of the people in my life who were more concerned about what I could do for them than just about anything else.

I saw them.

I see them.

And, I see that keeping them in my life kept me under their control and when I tried to break free, the consequences were greater and more horrible than I could ever envision.

I never saw that.

I see it now.

Just when you think that there are no more tears left, they flow from new wounds and old wounds that never really healed.

What was I thinking?


 In this new, huge divestment (the allegorical conflagration), I have been finding weird things.  The jokes at the beginning of this were two pages that I can now toss.

Another is a pewter Christmas ornament that one of my sisters sent to all of us siblings after another sister killed herself.

It reads:

Merry Christmas from Heaven

I love you all dearly,

Now don't shed a tear;

I'm spending my Christmas

With Jesus this year.

I do not think that I can toss this item, if only because it made me laugh again, just like it did when I first received it the mail.  Besides, it had a small raisin stuck to it...that must mean something, yes?  When I stop laughing, I will probably be going straight to hell, heck, I will probably be driving the bus there.

Monday, July 11, 2011

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 63 - Day 64 - Day 65

Day 63
Breakfast:  Eggs, toast, bacon, hash browns (breakfast with my friends on Saturday)
Lunch:  Made lunch with the babies, kabob sandwiches that they made for themselves, which included all of the prep work.
Dinner:  Pizza, the frozen kind.  I ate mostly just the toppings, which were cheese and pepperoni
Snack:  Shrimp spring roll and six small California roll slices

Day 64
Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  Cornish hen, roasted plain
Dinner:  Other Cornish hen
Snack:  Some jar cheese sauce, jalapenos, corn chips

Day 65
Breakfast:  Jar cheese sauce, jalapenos, corn chips
Lunch:  3 soft tacos, black beans with cheese and hot sauce, at Qdoba
Dinner:  Nothing

I was pondering

the next thing that I need to do tonight and just sort of felt all slumpy and stuck to my chair, so I decided to visit a couple of the blogs that I follow.

This is what I found, and it was that kind of thing when you need something and open yourself to finding it and then, like magic, it is there for you.  Well, for me, actually, but it is worth sharing because maybe someone else might be a little stuck and slumpy, too.

I am referring to today's post, Monday, July 11th.  Everything there is wonderful, by the way, and I learn new stuff there all the time.

http://kitchenherbwife.blogspot.com/

Life as usual

Two days of a wonky computer and a day of betrayal.  Practically the perfect trifecta.

Friday, July 8, 2011

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 62

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  Japanese restaurant, where I was a good and healthy eater, without any icky stuff...health-wise, that is
Dinner:  2 smoked port chops

This might not work because my computer is being all wonky.  It has for the past two days and I am so hoping that it is my connection or something and not the machine.  Fixing this, my sweet baby, is possible, but it will severely cut into my traveling money.  Oh, no!!!

I just ran a full scan and nothing came up, except for a few dozen tracking cookies.  I am hoping that it is all of the research I have been doing here for work.  Lordy.  It might also mean that I cannot upload a GP today.  Frankly, I am still fighting that exhaustion from a few days ago and cannot dredge up the energy to really care.

So, anyway, I had to go out and get stuff for the weekend with the babies and decided to have lunch at my favorite place.  I heard, whilst dining there, that there might be a Chinese buffet place opening up in the near vicinity.  If that happens, and it is a nice place, I am going to have another temptation with which to struggle.  I will worry about that if and when it happens.  It is just that it is wonderful to go there, eat only what I want and have absolutely no waste.  Today was garbage day and I had to toss out too many things again.  There was all that lovely lettuce and greens that the refrigerator froze, which is guess is not exactly my fault, but our crappy appliance.  But, there were berries, a whole bunch of fresh ginger and the turkey that I had frozen a few months ago, taken out to cook yesterday and then forgot about it in the microwave until this morning when I had to heat up the cats' breakfast.  What a freaking waste, and it is usually worse than that.  So, dining out at a cheap place actually saves me money, and, I mean, how messed up is that?

Next was the actual errands, the market, where I bought food for me and for all of the special meals that I want to make for the babies and their parents this weekend.  I have offered take the babies tomorrow and send mommy and daddy out to play and then stay overnight so that they can either stay overnight somewhere else, or sleep in on Sunday whilst I wrangle the babies. 

So, I bought some of their favorite stuff and got home and there is not any of those cooler boxes anywhere.  The largest one I found was the one in which I take my lunch to work.  Clearly, the berries, tomatoes and other vegetables for the lunch kabobs, the thick slices of ham and roast beef, and let me not forget the frozen pizzas they love, well none of that, except for a few of the vegetables, is going to fit in my tiny cooler thing.

Where the heck are those things?  Maybe I got rid of them during the last big divestment, but I doubt it.  Wherever they are, they are in a place where I cannot find them.  That means that I have to stop at another market on the way to their house tomorrow to re-buy all of the fresh stuff, which was most of what I bought today.  Not a huge problem, because I can eat that stuff, and there is always a chance that it will actually be eaten and not tossed in a week.  I guess.  It just seems like a huge waste of money to have to buy that stuff twice.  I will get over it.  Sigh.

This is such a small problem and I am obsessing about it.  What a dork.  Besides, something came back to bite me in the ass today.  I have been keeping a relatively low profile and minding my own business ever since the whole threats from my friend's boyfriend a while back.  You know, even if someone asks for your help with something, they might have some other agenda that prevents them from being nice when you do exactly what they ask you to do, and then their boyfriend calls you and says seriously unkind stuff to you and, well, it is just a mess.  Kind of like that sentence.  Sorry, Diary.

Anyway, I offered help, support and a bit of advice to someone yesterday, prefacing it with apologies about how I hope I did not overstep anything.   I heard back from that person and it seems that I was, despite my cautionary stuff, completely misunderstood and that was shared with me with a huge helping of snark.  So, I apologized again, as sincerely and genuinely as possible, but I think that this whole mess might have irreparably damaged what, to this point, was only a tentative relationship.  Big picture wise, I guess that I took a risk, was rebuffed and no real loss for either of us, but it still bothers me that I upset that person whilst simply trying to be myself.  I think that is the most painful part of this, that being me is enough to make some go all snarkalicious on my ass.  It was a huge 'ouch' and since I rarely have to learn that kind of lesson twice, that person should be pretty darn safe from me from now on. 

It still stings a little, but I guess that is part of the learning process for me.  I just need to mind my own business.  Plain and simple.  Even if someone asks me to get involved (friend/boyfriend/crappy telephone message), I will resist and change the subject by pretending to have a stroke or an aneurysm or rabies.

So, early day tomorrow, and a busy one, too.  'Nighty-nite, Diary.  Maybe I will get lucky and have a dream about how I helped someone and did not make a huge mess of it.  Yeah, like that could happen, even in my dreams.  Lots more sighs.

Location is still broken, so here I am, all scrambled up, which is also part of the name of the GP that is slowly loading.  It is named Scrambled Hearts and, seriously, how appropriate is that!  You probably cannot see it, Diary, but in addition to the wonky heart in the middle, there are smooth places and choppy chopped-up places and part of hearts all over the place.

Well, let me give that GP a try.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 61

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch:  Frozen dinner, enchilada thing, 2 snack bags of cranberries
Dinner:  Last of the roast beef, horseradish/mayonnaise mixture, green beans
Snack:  Cheddar Crackefuls, 2

In the past 24 hours I have slept for more than 14.  I woke early, was up for a few minutes and went back to bed, sleeping until noon.  I have managed to stay up all day, and whilst I do not feel ill, I know that I could have easily gone for a nap or two.  I am headed off in a few minutes, but I only got up at noon because the telephone rang.  I always answer the phone, you just never know when it will be important, although it rarely is.  This is going to be long and it is all the fault of that telephone call.  (Note:  I just re-read this, sort of, and it is long and boring and biased.  Even so, I stand by it, typos, rotten syntax, rambling, confusion, preachiness and all.)

I think that the most important work that we do in our lives is to live the best life that we can, take care of our families, even the members who drive us insane.  So, family first.

Next is our faith community, which does not even have to be the church to which we belong, just a place that does good works.  Even if you are of a different spiritual path, they will be happy to welcome you into their social service work.  I accept that many people will always put God first, but that is not my way.  Whether you believe anything about a higher power or not, the first thing most of us experience is family, and to my mind, even with a God, that God gave us family...and later friends...first, long before we could even begin to come to faith, so that must mean something, yes?

The next step outwards is our neighborhoods.  Over the years I have lost contact with the people who lived nearest to me, as they moved away and other people moved in.  We live in a sort of transitional area, with people stopping here on their way to someplace better.  We are here because it was the only location we could afford and it has served us well for nearly 36 years.  I know and am conversant with only four other families.  That is kind of shameful, because I do not know if there is anyone around here who does not have family or friends that check up on them.  I would just hate to find out that someone needed help and did not know any of us well enough to reach out.  It makes me think of that woman in Australia that died and no one missed her for years.  I mean, how sad and unfortunate is that. 

So, anyway, this is inspired by a telephone call requesting a charitable donation.  When I expressed my inability to help them, the woman was nice enough, though clearly disappointed that I did not hand over my inconsiderable wealth to her.  That, the last part, is not true, but when I asked to be put on their no-call list, because receiving these calls is so distressing to me, she got all snarky and called me selfish before she disconnected.

That reminded me of a similar call, oh, about ten years ago, from our state's public radio system.  I had been a regular contributor for decades, but that time was one of struggle for me and I just could not make even a small donation.  This was around the time of the annual fund drive (they only had one each year then), and the station or a volunteer, most likely, was making cold calls to former contributors, and when I explained that I could not donate anything that year, her response was something like, oh, surely you can't be so cheap that you can't send five dollars or something, and, well, that stung a bit, too. 

An earlier experience, around 35 years ago was a call-center call for the Special Olympics.  The guy who called was really rude and pushy and when I kept trying to explain that we figured out what we could afford to donate each year and then chose a few organizations to whom we would make that donation, and that I was happy to add them to the list for the following year because we have donated to them in the past, he called me a couple of names, ones I am unwilling to share here, mostly because I am trying so hard to not curse any more.

Even though those three incidents were locally based, they did nothing to diminish me desire to do stuff that was not about me.  You know?  And, see, I am all over the place today, Diary, so sorry about that.

Over the years I have participated in tons of local and far-flung charitable programs.  I think that being involved in stuff beyond my own, personal needs is important, maybe even essential for my own well being.  I have volunteered and donated for all of my adult life, and began taking my daughter to things like the community food programs in the city near us, when she was nearly five years old and allowed to participate.  She helped to read the recipes and create a shopping list, do the shopping and the cooking, and come along to the sites.  There she could only help to clean up the tables and bring extras to the participants, but it was one of the things that helped her to become the generous and careful person that she is today.

All of this brings me to where I am on this issue today.   I suspect that few people will agree with me, Diary, but I have some strong feelings about this.

If you are going to be charitable, then do it locally.  It is my belief that the only exception should be for any service, product or other support for our military personnel and their families.  As far as the governments of the world are concerned, if they are going to use military force to solve, ameliorate or defer their issues with other governments or groups, then, as far as I am concerned those creeps are on their own.  Unfortunately, in order to play their little war games, they need bodies to become fodder for their dreams of manifesting on the big stage their own insecurities and shortcomings, aspects they are unable to manage in their personal lives.

Seriously.  All of that filters down to individual people suffering.  I care about that aspect, I really and truly do.  If anyone cares to dispute my dedication to helping wherever help is needed, I am perfectly ready, more than willing, and able, to duke it out with you in person.  I do not consider myself a particularly violent person, nor do I endorse or support violence of any kind, and I am not the teeniest bit comfortable handling up-close-and-personal weapons, much less those of mass destruction, but I am willing to stand up for my beliefs, and this is one of them.  Alrighty, I am being ironical about the whole duking it out part.  I would not hit anyone or even have an argument because I do not do conflict of any kind, but just because I am a pacifist, it does not mean that I am a doormat.

The keep it local thing extends to adoptions, disaster relief, world-wide relief efforts and anything else of which you can think or find an organization willing to lend a helping hand.  Seriously.  I feel that strictly and that strongly about this.  I empathize as much as anyone when the call comes for assistance to a far-flung country experiencing a natural disaster or governmental screw-up or, well, anything.  I used to do that, too, jump to put in my pittance so that it would join all of the other pittances to make enough to feed the hungry, support medical aid, send blankets, baby clothes, clean drinking water, encourage and support local-based enterprises and the entrepreneurial spirit, animal husbandry and all the rest.  I used to financially support the efforts of a whole bunch of organizations, both local and all over the planet.

I know that giving is essential to living for me.  I need to share what I have with other people and organizations that help those who have even less than I do.  Were I lucky enough to have more money than I knew what to do with, I would be even more generous.  Frankly, I am more prosperous than many of the people on the planet, but whilst that is not an entirely separate issue, this is already too long and even I am losing interest in this, so much the worse for you, Diary.

However, during all of that donating, there were always situations, circumstances or conditions in my own community that went begging for funds.  I have always supported local needs, whatever they might be, but not to the extent that I could have, because my efforts were diluted by all of the other stuff I was supporting.  The truth is that even when you know about something or a lot of somethings, you simply cannot help everyone.

As for the arguments that there will always be countries who simply cannot help their own people, that is certainly true, but it is often the consequence of poorly designed or implemented efforts, and way too often corrupt officials and governments.  Frankly, the keep sending aid to those places means that you are actually supporting the local despots and that little, if any, of the money and supplies sent to those places ever filters down to the people who really need it.  Any doubts about that can quickly be shattered by a little research.  And, the plain and simple truth is that corrupt or clueless officials never seem to be educated and encouraged, much less censured or punished in an effort to change their ways, meaning that the people will always be suffering with no end possible or in sight.  

I know that makes me sound supremely selfish, but it is not possible to do everything and I decided to have more focus and immediacy in how I donate and volunteer.  I honor whatever and however other people choose to use their resources, but this is what works for me; my preference is to be as up close and personal with my giving as I am with everything else in my life.  Whatever you do, great, and there are sufficient personal opportunities for you to help someone, because your own community is full of volunteer opportunities just waiting to be filled.  Some of the more easily found are your faith community, veteran's organizations (even our tiny village has one), schools, hospitals, your local volunteer center, correctional facility, and so much more.

I care about people first, but just as important is your local humane society/organization, and whilst this is an issue that deserves it's own conversation, I am going to share a bit of what I have learned from 28 years of rescue work.  One of the more important things I learned from all of those years is that if it is possible to influence and teach children about humane treatment of animals, it often filters into the home, and through that child's life, how essential it is to be a good caretaker and steward of every living thing.  If you fall under the thrall of a group that claims to be a non-kill shelter/group, it is certainly better than nothing, because even a group that claims to be no-kill, well, the first time they turn away any animal (any condition, temperament, health) and even if that is related to the limits of their resources, that animal has to go to a municipal shelter or organization, which takes in every animal that comes to their door.  No-kill groups/shelters have the luxury of taking only the animals for which they have a decent chance of finding permanent homes, but that means that they are simply passing the burden to a facility that often has no alternative but the euthanize animals who are not lucky enough to find decent homes.  Municipal shelters have limited resources, as well, but they never turn anyone or any animal away from their doors.  If a no-kill organization passes on a single animal, for whatever reason, then they, and everyone who works or volunteers with them, hold the same responsibility for the eventual death of that animal, just the same as if you had been there, held the animal and used the drugs to end it's life.  No different.  Clearly this holds a large amount of energy for me, but right is right, no matter how one tries to nuance it.

So.

There are local volunteer centers all over the world.  Just go to Google and type in

volunteer center (then add your city, town, county, whatever)

You will find links to your center and they are wonderful at matching the interests and skills of volunteers to the needs in your own community.

Here are some links to find local places that could really use your help and/or donations.

Big Brothers Big Sisters
http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.9iILI3NGKhK6F/b.5962335/k.BE16/Home.htm

Habitat for Humanity
One of the many great things about Habitat is their ReStores, where they sell materials that were left over from projects and/or donated materials that they cannot use in their projects.  This is a great opportunity for volunteering, as well as finding home building and repair materials for your own projects, whilst support some seriously wonderful work.
http://www.habitat.org/default.aspx

American Red Cross (There is likely to be a similar organization where you live.)
http://www.redcross.org/

Volunteer Match
http://www.volunteermatch.org/

Corporation for National and Community Service
This includes:
  •     AmeriCorps
  •     Citizen Corps
  •     Learn and Serve America
  •     National Conference on Volunteering and Service
  •     Peace Corps
  •     Senior Corps
  •     Volunteers for Prosperity
  •     Federal Civil Service
  •     Foreign Service
  •     Military
  •     State and Local Government
  •     U. S. Public Health Service
  •     Veterans Affairs
  •     Volunteer.gov/gov
http://www.serve.gov/

This kind of mess is what happens when you are not getting the right amount of sleep.  Just saying.


Location still broken.  Alas.  How will I know where I am? 

GP
Bloom where you are planted.
Oh, I like this one

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 60

Breakfast:  Eggs
Lunch:  Frozen chicken pecan thing, 8 ounce can of pineapple, cuppy thing of applesauce
Dinner:  Japanese

Busy day at work, and less time than usual for lunch, so that was wolfed down posthaste.  Two less than sane clients, but both are harmless.  It is just so frustrating to know that there are always going to be people that I am unable to help.  One of them is now convinced that she can get a job that requires specific certification without having to actually take the training and pass the certification testing.  I did not even try to disavow her of that notion.  It would have made absolutely no difference, and so I saved myself the heartbreak of trying to help her with this hurdle.  I know that she will be back and I know how unlikely it is that I will be able to help her then. 

I was able to go to fiber club after and finally finished the tiny sweater.  I crocheted a nice collar on it and finally gave up with half of the top row to do because I simply could not see those teeny stitches.  I left early to get home and detoured to my favorite place and had a quick and satisfying dinner.  No extras, no fruit for dessert, no tea, nothing, just an entree and I was out of there.  I wanted to stop at the pharmacy on the way home, but sort of crashed and by the time I got here I was done, and well done at that. 

Straight to bed.  And, just my luck at trying to post during the changes.  Not sure I like all of them, but it is pointless to worry about something over which I have no control...just like everything else.  Rats, the location thingy is broken.  Great.

There must be a GP in here someplace.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 60

I got nothing left.

I am exhausted.  Five minutes before I arrived home, which was just fifteen or so minutes ago, I was more tired than I can remember being, like for ages.  I am going to bed, even though this is the 3/5's way through this process. 

See ya tomorrow, Diary.  No time for pleasures, either, guilty or otherwise.

Thud.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 59

Breakfast:  Nothing
Lunch: Beefsteak, watermelon
Dinner:  Nothing, just not hungry yet. Need to add that I just had a cup of tomato soup, one of those little applesauce things, some probiotic chocolate and another cranberry snack pack thingy.  The chocolate is just plain weird.
Snack:  Cottage cheese

Lunch was more steak, with half left for lunch at work tomorrow.  I had bought bagged salad, but the produce bin must be all wonky, because it froze the stuff.  Very disappointing, as I really wanted to take a big salad tomorrow.  Rats.  I really should eat something soon, or else I will wake up and have to make something, not a fun thing to do.  I do not know how it happened, but we seem to be out of canned soup, which is what I wanted tonight.  And, some more of those rice/seeds crackers.

Tomorrow is my long day at work and I was finishing up some resource stuff and it got me to thinking about what I do and how I do it.  Truth is that I am really good at this work.  I have said this before, but everything that I have experienced in my life has brought me to do this work.  I am a tiny fish in a big pond, living in a village, but with two large cities on either side of me.  I work in the smaller of those.  Whilst I am valued at work, I am relatively unknown as the person who provides these services.

That said, our local workforce center, the literacy council and one of the nearby prisons refer people to me as someone who can help them craft the documents they need, especially when there is scant previous work experience.  They often send people with special needs and challenges, people that they simply do not have the staff or resources to help.  I have to say that that aspect of what I do, the trust that those organizations have in me is sometimes a bit overwhelming.  I am so aware of the great responsibility that I have to everyone who comes to me, high school students preparing for their first jobs and right on up to upper management people who need only a bit of fine-tuning on their résumés.  Oh, I should mention that I help people craft résumés, CVs and other job seeking documents, as well as honing their interviewing skills.

I help them find local resources, including social services, educational opportunities, literacy help and lots more.  I teach basic computer skills and how to navigate the Internet and use that to search for jobs and other information.  O have helped clients with tax and governmental, legal and other issues.  Clients have needed help creating their own businesses and marketing the products of their hobbies.  I am currently working with a client on patents.  Anything that has to do with creating and supporting income, well, that is what I do.  It is all about investing in the future and supporting people in finding and manifesting the work they are called to do. 

It can be difficult for people to do the deeper work involved, but only because no one has ever suggested that they should.  I and the work have made several people sweat, a few literally.  One woman is a semi-regular, as she struggles with a particular aspect, and she cries sometimes, but I suspect that she is a tender person who is inclined to shed more than the occasional tear.

There are days when I do more counseling than anything else, and although that is a natural extension of the main body of work, it is an area in which I wish I had more experience and training.  I am looking into the possibility of returning to school in the next semester, or the one following.  It is a huge commitment and I am not sure that I am up to meeting it.  Anyway, I do not have to decide until the last minute, as the classes with which I need to begin are never full.

So, anyway, I was thinking about what a job is, what it means to have a job and all that jazz.  For me it is the work I have done and what I am doing now.  It is about how I work a few days each week to improve my skills and move closer to being the really good resource that I want to be for my clients.  It is also about managing on the money I have, because I do this work, and a couple other jobs as a volunteer.  That is wonderful and all, but it means that I spend most of my time working for no wage.  No money.

I am, at least for now, content to do it this way.  If I decide to go back to school, things may have to change, and that is a huge part of the decisions I have to make.  This is truly huge, big picture stuff, even though we never use "big picture" anymore. smiley: smile

I have to figure out how the quality of what I do will be improved by taking those classes and how the quality of my life will change if I make this commitment, particularly where my family is concerned.

I was reading something this afternoon about the experiences of store staff who sell lottery tickets.  It was pretty compelling stuff, and whilst I am too conservative to participate in the state lottery, it is nice to entertain dreams about winning a whole shitload of money and making my life easier and making some other dreams come true.  But, I will never have that experience because I will never play the lottery.  However, if the Universe would like to drop that same pile of money on me, I promise to be an excellent steward of said fortune and would make it count, not just for myself and my current, personal, problematic issues, but for the world around me, most especially my community.

I have so many thoughts about what a job means and could mean to my clients, but that will have to wait for another time, because I absolutely have to go and search for some soup or something.

I made some new guilty pleasures today, but I cannot remember what any of them are.  Oh, a surprise.

Monday, July 4, 2011

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 58

Breakfast:  Watermelon, corn
Lunch:  Corn
Dinner:  Cottage cheese, seedy rice crackers
Snack:  8 ounces of canned pineapple in juice, 3 snack-sized packages of dried cranberries...oh, the shame
Snack:  Cottage cheese...and hide the crackers!!

So, anyway, I bought these crackers because they had few ingredients, brown rice flour and a whole bunch of seeds.  I thought that I could eat something healthy and if they were terrible, so much the better.  Not that I wanted terrible tasting crackers, but it would be at least one thing that was reasonable in my cabinet.  Unfortunately, they are really delicious.  I was using the quiet around here today to catch up on refining some resources for my clients.  By the time I got around to the crackers, I was deep into some complicated stuff and before I knew it, the cheese was gone and I had been dipping my hand into the cracker bag and had eaten lots.  Too many, but at least they are healthy, yes?

The second snack is not yet eaten, but that might happen any minute now.

Yesterday's SAD is over it seems.  I am back to what passes for normal here, eating wise, and it feels much better.  I intentionally ate much less today.  Yeah, I know that you cannot make up for overeating like that, just like you cannot really catch up on missed sleep, but it made me feel a bit more virtuous or something.  You know, this whole eating issue is such a burden for me.  I have a freaking lifetime of neglect, lack of resources, guilt and shame to last a dozen lifetimes. 

All I want is to come to some reasonableness, some measure of comfort, a ceasefire, if you will, before I die, which if I am unable to accomplish this might be much sooner than I want.  It is O.K. to not want to die too soon, yes?  To not lose any toes to diabetes or go blind or have a stroke, yes?  Yes.  But, if I continue to be unable to find the courage, some responsibility or strength of character to care enough about myself so that I can embrace health and all of the work that it requires, then I am going to die in the near-ish future, or wish that I would.  I can do this crap for other people, why is it so difficult to do it for myself?  Whatever.

GP

Sunday, July 3, 2011

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 57

Breakfast:   Oh, why bother!

Today was, still is a little bit, one of my stomach anxiety days...SAD, fer short.  I just made that up.  Lordy.  They do not happen often, but they are a source of uncertainty for me.  It begins with strong dream images that carry over into the morning.

No breakfast, but not because I am not hungry.  I feel hunger, but I am afraid to eat because it will begin an avalanche of eating.

There will not be any food choices that will sate my hunger.  No matter what I eat, healthy or crappy, substantial or light, there will be no lessening of feeling hungry.

When this happens, I try to eat very little and spread out what I am eating over a long period of time.  I am never successful at appeasing my need for food and the gnawing in my stomach, the growling and all that, but I always hold the hope that if I keep at it, that it will work on one of the SADs.  There is often a significant amount of swearing on SADs.  I make no apologies.

So, Diary, this is what happened and what I ate today.

I awoke and did my best to divest myself of the dream images.  I waited a couple of hours before eating and then I ate.  And ate.  It seemed like I was hungry beyond comfort every hour or so.  And, so I ate something every hour or so.  I managed a couple of two-hour gaps, but it was a struggle.

2 ears of corn, with a little butter and even less salt
3-inch thick slice of a small, seedless watermelon, with a little salt
Some crackers, really nice whole grain ones that are very, very satisfying, well, at least on a normal day
About a dozen cherries  I would have eaten more, but that is all that was left from yesterday.
8 ounce lobster tail, with butter
Sugar-free ice cream bar
Sugar-free ice cream bar
6 ounce steak, rare
More of the Kruncher chips, which really bothered me, so I smashed them up and put them out at the feeding stations for the raccoons and the crows.
In addition, I have been drinking even more water than I usually do, in the vain hope that it would keep me topped off and unable to feel hunger.

At the steak, I was up to 6:00 p.m., and I have managed to not eat anything else, but it has not been easy.  I am looking at that list and I am thinking holy crap.  Even worst is that, here I am at 8:30 and I could easily eat something.  I know that I will want to eat again before I go to bed, and that is just insane, and that I will cave and have something.

And, I have messed-up my meal plans, well, not as though I do any actual meal planning, but I had a generalized plan for the groceries I bought when I was out taking care of a friend yesterday.  The lobster was to be tonight's dinner and the steak was for tomorrow.  I also bought plenty of greens for salads, but none of that would do to satisfy me today, so I left them alone, knowing that I would still eat other stuff.

This has been happening for the past year or so (maybe longer, I really cannot remember), every few months and it is driving me crazy.  It is not so horrible when I am at home, but it has happened twice when I was at work.  The first time I had to go downstairs to the employee lounge and buy a couple of packets of crap from the vending machine.  The second time I was prepared, because I kept a bag of raw almonds in my office stuff just in case it happened again.  A much healthier choice, but just as upsetting.

This is nuts.  I suspect that it might be hormonal, if only because I cannot think of anything else.  How dumb.  For a while I thought that it had something to do with particularly vivid dreams, but I remember many of my dreams, sometimes several each night, and there are plenty of times when disturbing dream images follow me through my day, but there is not the insane hunger problem on those days.  Maybe I have some kind of imbalance or some dumb thing.  I bought some probiotics, bilberry, turmeric and some mixed vitamins for diabetics yesterday and will start with those tomorrow.

It only happens occasionally, and without any warning.  And, I am spending too much time thinking and writing about this.  But, it bugs me because it is such an out of control feeling, desperate and some other stuff that I am unable to define.  Just plain nuts.  As soon as I finished the meat, I felt better, as in much better.  Now I am wondering if I finally ran out of room in my stomach or if it had something to do with the protein.  Nah, if that were so, it would have been like that with the seafood earlier.  Even so, I might try meat or eggs the next time this strikes.  I just wrote a note in my planner.  It might be time to accept that this might happen again and to track it more carefully.

Aside from manifesting my inner Cookie Monster, without the cookies, I fell sort of all right.  I still have this hope thing going and since no one bothered me today, well, it is all good, you know?  I have an inner smile to keep CM company, and here it is:

Saturday, July 2, 2011

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 56

Breakfast:  Eggs, bacon, hash browns
Lunch:  Taco Taco, small burrito, two crunchy tacos, huge soda
Dinner:  Crappy, limp salad, a couple of spoons/tastes of some truly heinous clam chowder, some oyster crackers and three lemon wedges
Snack:  The better part of a pound of cherries on the way home from my crappy day, some Kruncher chips

Breakfast with my friends, great coffee, lousy and surly service.  What the hell is wrong with people?  Seriously, the world seems to be full of seriously cranky people, which is somewhat comforting because I can be very cranky and cranked-up, although I keep it to myself, well, most of the time. 

I ate out three times today and accept how messed-up that is.  The lunch one was a place where you are not allowed to give tips, and the counter guy there left his counter during a lull and went around asking everyone if their food was O.K., and if they needed anything, which is totally not the kind of sweet service one would expect in such a humble place, but there it was and the guy was so nice.  When I had ordered and paid for my food, I saw a sign for a lemonade drink that had fruit, as in actual fruit and juice, in it and asked if it had been sweetened, and when the counter guy confirmed that, I mentioned that it looked really great, but that I had to avoid sugar and his reply was, "Well, in that case, just to help you feel better, that stuff is nasty, nasty, nasty!"  He referenced it again when he wandered by to ask if we needed anything.  Such a nice touch.  It happened again later at the drug store when a young guy came up to me and asked if he could help me find anything, which he could and which he did, telling me a couple of cool stories about rock climbing in the process of being super-duper helpful. 

The world is full of nice people like that, which makes the perpetual corps of doofuses (or, is it doofi?) just that much more noticeable.  Dinner with the friend that needs hauling everywhere had the same kind of person.  Sad service and really bad soup.  And, you know, when it comes to receiving service, I am a very low maintenance diner/customer/client/ordinary person.  I never send stuff back when dining.  I am a good consumer so that I never, ever, ever have to return anything to a store.  I do not request any kind of special attention and just go with the flow as much as possible so as to avoid even the merest suggestion of any problem.  I am just as non-confrontational in public as I am in the more private parts of my life.  That makes me sound like a doormat, and I guess that I mostly am that.

Whatever.  You know, I get to where I can stand up and then it just drifts away, that feeling that I have the ability and self-responsibility to do it.  Just...drifts...away...poof...there it goes.

And, it is not helping that I was clearing out some of the junk that I never revisit from my computer files and stumbled into the writings of a friend who lost her son a few years ago.  I read and then went back in time and read from the beginning of that loss, the tragedy and pain of losing that lovely boy.  Then, I was no longer weeping for my own losses and problems, but for the absence of that sweet and wonderful boy and all of the people and places and things that we no longer have in our lives, individually and collectively, all that stuff that makes life worth the struggle, at least it did before it came up missing. 

I know that my sorrow is not unique, at least in the larger aspect of a life, mine, yours, the lives of everyone.   You know that saying about how happy families are alike in their happiness, but unhappy families are unique in their unhappiness.  Yeah, like that.  But, even though our individual pain is specific to the qualities and experiences of each of our lives, the entirety of sadness connects us because we all feel loss and sorrow and pain pretty much the same, as only human bodies and minds and hearts can...that is what connects us.

So, my friend's pain at losing her son is sort of my pain, too, because I knew and loved him in my own way, but it mirrors all of the suffering of my own life.  I feel the same qualities of pain for her loss as I do for my own. 

It is like this stupid visual disorder that I have and that other people, not many, but more than enough, have and when someone reads about what another person's symptoms are like and how it fucks up their life, someone else might say that they really do not have anything to complain about because they view their own symptoms as being less somehow, and that is total bullshit.  The difficulty each person has is equal in significance to that of another person and to compare them is pointless.  We all suffer at our own level of discomfort, pain.  And, it is, it is how we are connected.  

So, I am feeling sad about all of this stuff again, and instead of trying to get rid of it, I think that I might want to, might actually honor it a bit tonight.  I do not intend to wallow, but I am going to allow myself to feel it as fully as possible, immerse myself in the experience, re-experience it as completely as I can, acknowledge it and then let it pass through me, fall away from my physical body and into the earth, my planet, our Mother, where it can be honored and transformed into something good, something wonderful, something life-affirming.  I can do that.

I did not draw this GP, but I did pay for it in a collection of clip art and it (and the slight alteration I made to it) perfectly suits my general lack of understanding and intelligence today.  Yep.  It does.  But, I can transcend it, yes? 

Yes.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Just more

I rarely re-read what I write here.  Diary does not care about any of this, and neither do I.  Once in a while I check for comments, but the actual writing is done and gone as soon as I am finished, and I have no idea why I was inclined to read tonight's crap.

But, I did.  I made me feel sad, which is what I was feeling when I wrote it.  I would have been more sad, except that I stumbled across a blog that I created just for complaining.  I want very much to stop doing all of that whining and moaning and groaning and I thought, earlier this year, that if I had a place dedicated to my less supportive and productive aspects and inclinations that I would be a happier person, or that I would, at least, stop being such a freaking cry baby about everything.

So, I did that earlier this evening.  I went to that blog and I vented.  I wrote out many of the specifics of what happened yesterday and today and the terrible things that preceded them.  It felt wonderful to divest myself of that energy and spew out all the crap.  No filters.  No checking how or what I wrote or even if it made any sense.  And, I have no intention to going there to read any of it.  But, I read this nonsense just now and I guess that I really am reasonably sad.  I am trying to not express it, but it is what it is and right now I am feeling alone and not so wonderful.

And, that is fine, it is only that I want to stop doing the spewing here, on this blog, which is my diary.  And, you know, part of the process is getting rid of that stuff and the result is that I do feel better having done so.  So, I do feel not so horrible right now.

I think that my problem is that I am missing all of the stuff that is supposed to be part of a marriage, even a half-assed one.  I do not have a partner, I have a rule maker and enforcer, a judge, jury and jailer.  Were I so inclined, and if I had an actual backbone, I would already be out of here.  I stayed all of this time in the faint, although sincere and fierce hope that by sticking around, that I would be here to facilitate a relationship between someone who is not me and the one person in my life whom I love above all others, and that includes her own children and her wonderful husband.

I am coming to the realization that that is never going to happen.  I hate it, but I am hating myself for being so stuck here now.  I suppose that is why I am taking all of these inexpensive, like really cheap, trips.  Just to get out of Dodge.    I should move on, but I am not.  I am stuck here, chronicling this, probably last, part of this journey.  And, as I write to my Diary here I am releasing much of the energy that binds me here. 

I know that I will eventually leave, most likely with the clothes on my back, but hopefully with a few more resources than that.  And, I will leave with much less sadness.  Well, except for today, which seems especially sad since I figured out a few things today, things that I did not mention earlier.

I learned some stuff.  I learned that even though SWINM made a mess of things, that person still will not share essential information with me, is never going to do so.  Through the years I never noticed that he did that, but it is not a recent development.  I just, well, I just ignored it.  Maybe I was always hoping for the best, that things would improve or some damn thing.  But, it is never going to happen.  Not ever.  I think that is the source of my greatest sadness and unhappiness.  The realization that I never was important enough to be included in anything. 

I feel stupid for not recognizing that, or maybe seeing some part of that behavior and finding a way to live with it.  That is kind of sad, too, the thinking that living with so little from someone is acceptable in some way, that it is, was, fine and that it was all I was entitled to receive.  Perhaps the worst part is that I have invested the majority of my life, time, energy, heart and belief in someone who does not care about me at all, and that he mostly likely stayed all of these decades because I did what he wanted and never asked for, or expected, anything in return.  I mean, how stupid is it possible for one person to be?  I guess it is not so bad to be sad about that.

I am fortunate to have so many other people and work and experiences to help balance that.  I really am.  So, I guess that it is all right to be sad about this one thing.  What a mess.

100 Days toward a healthier life - Day 55

Breakfast:  Frozen dinner thing, turkey I think, with potatoes and green beans
Lunch:  Small can of pineapple rings, can of soup
Dinner:  Leftover cheese popcorn, microwave popcorn, half a chocolate bar

I also had lots of diet soft drinks.  Water just seemed too icky today.  I also forgot to go and gallery sit.  I am not sure how that happened, but it did.  I should probably rummage around for more soup or have crackers and peanut butter or something reasonable, but I think that I am going to pop some more corn and have a whiskey with it.  I am making all sorts of bad decisions, so what, really, is one more.

It just was not such a great day.  That happens and tomorrow might be better, I am guessing.  Right now it seems like too much trouble to meet my friends for coffee, but I am not making that decision until the morning.  I contacted my friend, for whom I run errands and take her out for meals and we are going to check her frozen and refrigerated stuff to see if any of it was ruined by last night's storms, although I am not sure how successful that will be now that the electric power has been restored.  What a mess.

I have a new GP, made earlier today in some dumb effort to be more hopeful in a world that does not  hold much hope lately.  It is so disheartening to have a couple of nice days, begin to feel better and then come back to more of the same crap.  I need hearts.  You know, you should be able to feel safe in your own house.  It is not like I am asking for happy or anything, I know that is never going to happen, but safe would be nice, like really nice.