So, anyway, it has been an interesting day here at work. I am leaving in a few minutes and am not sure what I think about this job or myself, for that matter.
The day began with an unexpected and tricky legal issue. It involves state government, so no problem with accepting that it was over my head and experience. However, with a half-dozen telephone calls and meeting some truly kick-ass civil servants along the way, we ended up with personal legal attention for my client. I love happy endings.
Two no-shows and two walk-ins, back in business, both with very challenging issues. Cool.
Then, my final client of the day came in. I was out and waiting for her and I knew, as soon as I saw her looking at me, seeing me, that she was hugely disappointed. Here I am, the person that her human resources consulting firm mother said that she has to see and all she gets is me. Old, fat, dumpy, felt valentine (the ones in Joybelle's link, yeah, they are still uber cool and groovy) in my hair (which refused to stay up and out of the way today), walking, barely, with my cane and then we go into one of the study rooms, not even an actual, official office. Ummm, I know that was what she was expecting because she mentioned it.
We did some work, and we made changes that pleased her, but her heart was not in it. This sort of thing should not bother me. I know that I do excellent work here. I know that other community programs are being modeled on what I do and how I do it. I receive lots of feedback from my clients and the director here.
I think that what bothers me, and yes, I can intellectualize the crap out of this, is that she could not get past my appearance. You know, I do not make children run, weeping in fear and my friends think that I am great. I have lived long enough to get over myself and accept how I look, my body type, my features, my disabilities, everything.
But, the way I am feeling right now, gosh. I know that I am being superficial. Stupid. Vain. I have known all of my life that I am not a beauty, not attractive. So, I am always clean and shiny. Well-groomed. I try to have nice posture and walk with as much confidence as it is possible to do with a cane or two.
Well, I will get over this. Scarlet and I will have a better day tomorrow. I cannot please everyone, particularly for those aspects of myself over which I have absolutely no control. I guess there are some days when you just feel like your existence is a waste of planetary resources. I think the worst part is actually caring what someone else thinks about how I look. I think, hell, I do not know what I think.