Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Being a simpleton, I have simple thoughts. I like to think of my self as complicated, but most of the time I am as complex as a box of rocks, and that is on a good day.
But, that does not stop me from having random ideas, notions and crackpot musings. If nothing else, it keeps it interesting on this end.
So, anyway, one day last weekend was particularly challenging in the whole self-esteem departments. My daughter is having a challenging time of her own and is using me as her safe place to let off steam. No problem, because that is what mother's are designed to be for their children, the ultimate safe place. Unfortunately, this has been going on for a considerable while now and I think that it has become more habit than genuine release for her. I think that I might be at the end of my endurance for this. Like seriously not able to continue to hold up my end of the dynamic. It has gotten to the point where I am reluctant to visit her or talk on the telephone. How fucking sad is that?
Which brings up another thing...I am trying to stop cursing. I came to profanity late in life, as in only fifteen years ago, or so. Factor in that I really, really and truly like swearing and I now have another serious dilemma. I never curse in front of family members, but my friends and my writing are fair game. Add in the continuing drama in my personal environment, and by Saturday evening I was at the end of something, maybe my rope or my thread or something tenuous like that, hard to hold on to and, well, like that.
It is difficult to have any reasonable life if you think that you are letting down everyone around you and I was feeling worse than I have in a very long time. Seriously worse.
Then I decided that as long as I was feeling so depressed that I might as well work on my budget, such as it is. Turns out that I am not in as sad a financial shape as I thought. Because I am old now and have accumulated a lot of crap stuff, I rarely have to buy anything. Lye and oils for disastrous soap experiments, groceries and gasoline for the car that I use are my major expenses and do not have to be included in the not-buying crap stuff issue. I am managing to put a little away each month for future traveling, as well. I am keeping up with my medical costs and can continue to do that as long as I stop getting so sick. I can still afford to have Saturday Morning Coffee with my friends. I can still afford to volunteer instead of trying to find a real job that pays real money. Makes me shudder just considering that possible task.
And, when I added it all up, I can manage very well, am managing very well indeed. Who woulda thunk it. Not me, and the simple act of doing that budget work made me feel better. A lot better.
I also took a look at my other relationships and I am doing outstanding in that area. Yay for me. Work is great and so is my other volunteering jobs. Double-yay. I have been asked to curate an exhibit early next year and the yay-for-mes add up nicely.
I guess I have to remember that even though I will never be able to fix some things in my life, I can still do the best of which I am capable, in each moment and just move on. I have to remember that being dangerously depressed is not so much fun, but it is temporary, despite how unyielding it may seem in the moments that it holds dear. There is always tomorrow and new opportunities. It is enough.
One more thing. I am not spell-checking this writing here. Let the errors fall where they may.
Stupid "location" will not work, so I am in the moment.